i have always been in control of things and never thought i could ever find myself in the situation am in right now.

i have been dating a girl for over 7years now and in between,we've had our share of good times and bad times over the course of the relationship.the relationship became stronger over the last 4 years as that was when i got serious with her since i had finished school.i have this problem of not being able to stay with her for more than 4 days when ever she comes visiting cos we live in separate states( i would always find a reason to pick up quarrels with her)even when i don't intentionally set out to cos i feel she's choking me and i need my space.she's the most loving,forgiving and generous person i have ever known

i decided to try out another relationship with somebody else to see if i would feel the same way about them(not being able to stand them for more than some couple of days).i met this very gorgeous girl and i initially didn't want it to be something serious,but along the line,i fell so in love with her.(i still felt she was encroaching in my space and needed space when she's with me but she very lively and playful that she just turn our quarrels into plays and douse the situation before it starts)

the first girl has made a lot of sacrifice for me and am highly indebted to her.despite the fact that i don't feel strongly about her like i feel about the second girl,i just feel like i owe her a lot and i could start loving her back the way i used to.the first girl is well known by my family and everyone around me but am not well known to her folks until when i went for her elder brother's marriage some months ago. i was asked when am gona make the relationship official and i said December(that was a grave mistake i made as i was given a list).Last month,i started developing cold feet and i told my girl i don't think i wana come for the introduction again.she was devastated to say the least.she is Igbo and am Yoruba and she had to fight for me and she stood her ground just for her people to accept that she marries a yoruba guy(now it's like i have disgraced her and ridiculed her before her family).

i told my mom about the 2 of them and how i feel about both of them so she asked i send their names to her so she could pray over it which i did.the amazing thing now is i got a call from my mom that i should leave both of them as they are not my wife,that God has provided someone for me and i'll meet the person soon.my mum being very spiritual has said she's not gona have anything to do with any of them(after i called off the introduction with the first girl,she called my mum and she was crying.my mum told her not to worry that she would talk to me.my mum called me thereafter and told me we would go do the introduction on 27th of December even if it's against my wish).the first girl is known and loved by my mom that she calls her often to pray for her before now.

both ladies are one of the best lady any man could ever meet but they are very different in their own ways..one is taciturn and the other is Sanguine

i have had sleepless nights and day since she told me last week.i have only loved these 2 ladies my whole adult life

Now my confusion is do i break up with both of them and wait" for the lady God has provided for me" or just stick to the first girl and ride it out with her since she stuck to me too when her folks were against it and damn whatever the pastor has seen?
pls i want reasonable contribution from people who have been in situations like this before
.
please note that am from a close knit family as am like the father of the house now since my dad is late.

How Old are you

All I see is my mum this and pastor that. Grow up and be an adult cos until you are able to start making your decisions, you should not marry or even have a serious relationship

Simple Qxn. Who do you want to marry. If you don't know this then you are not ready for marriage. You need to grow up some more and have a mind of your own. You seem unwilling to take respnsibility for a life changing decision. You want your mum to make up your mind for you. You want the girls to make up your mind for you. You are not grown up.

Firstly let me correct one belief most people have dat u also mentioned in ur story. God does not keep a particular lady for a particular guy. The book of proverb says 'He who finds a wife find a good thing and obtain favor from the lord' u have to find ur wife urself u only pray to God dat the holy spirit should guide u. U hv 2 women in ur life its up to u to determine which one u will be happy with for d rest of ur life. I understand dat kind of "choking" u r talking about I do feel it too even nw with my wife but I always remind myself hw much I luv her and hw much she means to me. Like I said its up to u. U can't marry a girl cos u owe her and u can't also marry a girl cos she is funny n lively. What u consider is her character, is she God fearing and most importantly are u in love.

olamideayodeji1: Firstly let me correct one belief most people have dat u also mentioned in ur story. God does not keep a particular lady for a particular guy. The book of proverb says 'He who finds a wife find a good thing and obtain favor from the lord' u have to find ur wife urself u only pray to God dat the holy spirit should guide u. U hv 2 women in ur life its up to u to determine which one u will be happy with for d rest of ur life. I understand dat kind of "choking" u r talking about I do feel it too even nw with my wife but I always remind myself hw much I luv her and hw much she means to me. Like I said its up to u. U can't marry a girl cos u owe her and u can't also marry a girl cos she is funny n lively. What u consider is her character, is she God fearing and most importantly are u in love.

This person has said it all.....who are you more compatible with. Don't marry somebody because you feel you owe them. U dnt want to be in a miserable marriage and be cheating. And don't marry because somebody makes things lively. Who do you rather spend your life with. Let me add just go and fast and pray your own self.its better you let this girl go now the first one especially because you are not inlove with her. You may love her because of your history.if you want a peaceful happy family I can tell u right now dnt marry out of pity. And don't string girl 2 along either if you are not sure about her. Better go to GOD on your knees and ask him who is for you.

Am becoming addicted to nairaland romance. I hope my advice is helping ppl sha

amdrowning: i have always been in control of things and never thought i could ever find myself in the situation am in right now.

i have been dating a girl for over 7years now and in between,we've had our share of good times and bad times over the course of the relationship.the relationship became stronger over the last 4 years as that was when i got serious with her since i had finished school.i have this problem of not being able to stay with her for more than 4 days when ever she comes visiting cos we live in separate states( i would always find a reason to pick up quarrels with her)even when i don't intentionally set out to cos i feel she's choking me and i need my space.she's the most loving,forgiving and generous person i have ever known

i decided to try out another relationship with somebody else to see if i would feel the same way about them(not being able to stand them for more than some couple of days).i met this very gorgeous girl and i initially didn't want it to be something serious,but along the line,i fell so in love with her.(i still felt she was encroaching in my space and needed space when she's with me but she very lively and playful that she just turn our quarrels into plays and douse the situation before it starts)

the first girl has made a lot of sacrifice for me and am highly indebted to her.despite the fact that i don't feel strongly about her like i feel about the second girl,i just feel like i owe her a lot and i could start loving her back the way i used to.the first girl is well known by my family and everyone around me but am not well known to her folks until when i went for her elder brother's marriage some months ago. i was asked when am gona make the relationship official and i said December(that was a grave mistake i made as i was given a list).Last month,i started developing cold feet and i told my girl i don't think i wana come for the introduction again.she was devastated to say the least.she is Igbo and am Yoruba and she had to fight for me and she stood her ground just for her people to accept that she marries a yoruba guy(now it's like i have disgraced her and ridiculed her before her family).

i told my mom about the 2 of them and how i feel about both of them so she asked i send their names to her so she could pray over it which i did.the amazing thing now is i got a call from my mom that i should leave both of them as they are not my wife,that God has provided someone for me and i'll meet the person soon.my mum being very spiritual has said she's not gona have anything to do with any of them(after i called off the introduction with the first girl,she called my mum and she was crying.my mum told her not to worry that she would talk to me.my mum called me thereafter and told me we would go do the introduction on 27th of December even if it's against my wish).the first girl is known and loved by my mom that she calls her often to pray for her before now.

both ladies are one of the best lady any man could ever meet but they are very different in their own ways..one is taciturn and the other is Sanguine

i have had sleepless nights and day since she told me last week.i have only loved these 2 ladies my whole adult life

Now my confusion is do i break up with both of them and wait" for the lady God has provided for me" or just stick to the first girl and ride it out with her since she stuck to me too when her folks were against it and damn whatever the pastor has seen?
pls i want reasonable contribution from people who have been in situations like this before
.
please note that am from a close knit family as am like the father of the house now since my dad is late.

Wait I just read this thing again. Abeg your mum is not marrying her ohh better listen carefully.the fact that u have second thoughts about the first girl like this is a big redflag, free her dnt put u and her in misery she will pick herself up the earlier u let her go. From ur write up u are not inlove with her. As for girl number 2 ur conclusion really is pastor said she is not ur wife. Read what u wrote again. Girl number one u gave us a few reasons why u dnt want her, plus pastor girl number 2 is becos of just pastor. U go to ur maker by urself and ask for confirmation if it is someone else you are meant to be with.besides from ur story ur mum seems biased because she knows girl 1. (It could have been her plan that u must marry girl 1 .like u said she loves her.) Doesn't make sense that she will say she won't have anything to do with them only to say by force you must do introduction if you like it or not. Don't end up with somebody that will irritate you marriage is for life.

My guy, I have lived long enough on earth to understand that most pastors are wrong and most mothers are wrong too concirning the issue of marriage. Go find ur wife ursef. We have people who were told not to marry by their pastors, and many yrs later, their marriages are still going stronger. Btw, do not b surprised when u see same pastors who advised u on marriage going thru divorce.

thanks all for the advice...LadyTC,olamideAyodeji,tpacalipse...thanks a bunch
i don't have a problem with the other girl other than what the pastor said in church..i've been praying over it too..i know marriage is a union you end up in for the rest of your life and i dont wana make the first girl miserable thereby making myself miserable in the process which would eventually affect our kids.i've told the first girl i cant continue with the relationship and it's not been easy for both of us.i dont wana marry out of pity but i have conscience too..she stuck with me through thick and thin and made too much sacrifice for me..how i stopped loving her like i used to,i don't know.

please i would appreciate advice form people that heard one or two negative prophecy about their union.how they were able to turn it around and carry their family along into accepting their their partner..thanks once again y'all

Op am really trying nt to be judgmental but I ll.U were with d first lady 4 more than 7 yrs and u didn't realise she was nt good enough 4 u.But nw u re ok and u ve seen some1 better than her,u re nw opening thread to justify why u re leaving her.
That's why I don't blame ladies that says they can't suffer with a guy.END OF RANT

Whatever you decide you would break a very nice girl's heart. And prally many more if you decide to dump both and find your eldorado.

Why have two relationships in the first place?

It's ppl like you than end up wi nasty wives because you hurt nice girls and you have no conscience about it.

Do not promise marriage when you are not sure.

luvmijeje...where did you see from my narration that am now better?(she is successful in her own right and from a wealthy family.the type some guys would want to hang on to if not for love,but for the money) i guess you concluded within you maybe cos you had seen such things before..did you see where i said i cant really tell how i fell out of love with her?
good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people..people get married and divorce for reasons best known to them

[b][/b]please i would appreciate advice form people that heard one or two negative prophecy about their union.how they were able to turn it around and carry their family along into accepting their their partner..thanks once again y'all


Take it to the famil section also you might get more help there.

Very selfish man. Have you considered the hurt you would cause because you have to dump one or both girls that you agree are nice girls.

You are considering breaking up wi someone that introduced you formally to her family when she did nothing wrong. Why promise her marriage in the first place?

Why didnt u and ure mum pray during those 7 years. Or even before you went to meet her family formally?

And am sure you have sisters.

Osareime: Whatever you decide you would break a very nice girl's heart. And prally many more if you decide to dump both and find your eldorado.

Why have two relationships in the first place?

It's ppl like you than end up wi nasty wives because you hurt nice girls and you have no conscience about it.

Do not promise marriage when you are not sure.

He has a conscience he has said that already, he is looking for help not judgement why are people so judgemental. At least he is not being a coward like some men. U know u r not inlove with someone u end up marrying. Some end up comitting murder, cheating without remorse. Its better to be sure about marriage when u go into it. Let's hope he does not end up with a nasty wife sha...cos from what he said he seems to have to nice girls. But its true OP you should have ended one relationship before u started the new on.

I have the feeling that you'e not ready for marriage, yet.
Take your time. Don't rush into marriage because people are putting pressure on you.
Only you know the right answer but I guess that you'll need time to find what is best for you.

Op what happen 1st,2nd and d 3rd year,why didn't u tell u re nt interested.U even ve d effrontery to go to her family's house and u allowed urself to be introduced.U re wicked and greedy.

for those that want to be judgmental,please feel free to be..i have read on nairaland severally where a lady writes of a guy jilting her after all she's done for him and i felt such guys were mean and douche-bags

luvmijeje...from your attack,seems you've been in same shoes before..let me clarify some few things
people get married and divorce..can you seriously tell me that they were never in love? people love and fallout of love..it's a reality in life everyone has to deal with
i didn't originally set out to go meet her folks,i went for her elder's brother wedding cos she wouldn't have forgiven me if i didn't and that was when i met her people and they kept asking when am coming for introduction..don't know what came over me and i said December.i originally didn't go there with a date in mind.

it's not like i didn't contribute anything to the relationship too like some of you make it seem..we are both hurting right now cos i didn't believe i could ever give settling down with her a second thought

please note that if i had all the answers,i wouldn't be here on nairaland writing this for everybody to read and judge me.my conscience is slowly killing me and driving me insane

eeeyah,op sorry 4 dat rant.Is just dat am feeling 4 dat lady.
Since is like this,u just ve to followed ur heart and op u need her 4giveness.

luvmijeje: eeeyah,op sorry 4 dat rant.Is just dat am feeling 4 dat lady.
Since is like this,u just ve to followed ur heart and op u need her 4giveness.

See how you two just made up oya make I join the hug too naa. Me too I feel sorry for all 3 of them sef. Esp the girl1 sha but the truth is she will meet someone who actually is inlove with her, after this heartbreak God won't leave her. Am talking from experience. I have been seriously heartbroken before. That is why I believe the earlier he let's her or them go the better.time heals wounds and it would let them meet whoever they are destined to be with if not him.

I met a man at the Barber's shop this morning, and he gave me an advice I will share with you here, he said when it comes to making a choice in marriage, one needs to investigate as much as possible ( fi imu fin le dada). You can do that practically by praying on your own if you have the holy spirit, assuming you are a Christian, but if you do not have the spirit of God and you are not used to hearing from God on other areas of your life, it may not be reasonable to expect to start hearing him loud and clear right now, moreover, emotions are involved now and that can really create a lot of confusion.

If you want to follow logic on this one, well, just make sure your analysis is right, but wait, how can you really make a valid analysis when you are only able to consider factors that are in existence now, like the characters that have been displayed, how can you tell if either of them will give you children? or whether either of them will live long and well? how can you tell the one marriage to whom will bring you prosperity and fulfilment? You need to make up your mind, but you may be able to make a better decision if this hidden information is available to you. I believe there are still spirit-filled, gifted individuals who may be able to offer guidance in this regard, and you are old enough to find them yourself ( try more than one pls), if you are convinced about other revelations you hear from them ( i.e. if it they agree with some of your personal revelations from your prayers and fastings), their guidance in addition to the facts within your personal knowledge will help you make a more informed decision. DO NOT DESPISE PROPHECIES, those who have done that got their fingers so burnt that they cannot come on here to admit they were wrong, plus, you can only say a prophecy is wrong about 40- 50 years into the marriage and it was all good and perfect, not when the marriage is still young and you have no idea what tomorrow holds. I sincerely wish you God's guidance on this one... at the end of the day, it is your decision, you will live or die by it

@Op. Being in love with someone is quite different from loving someone.

Whether or not you'd admit it to yourself, you still love the first girl even though you no longer feel that particular emotion we all associate with being in love. You still love her that's why you feel shitty about it all, that's why you're seeking an advice here. The guilt and the bad feeling you have just has to do with you still feeling protective towards and knowing subconsciously that you may marry another person and it'll end terribly for you.

Being in love (as we all know it) is fueled by an unknown emotion, that's why this particular type of love does not stand the test of time, that's why it fades. Whoever you meet now, fall in love with and get married to, it'll be wise for you to bear it at the back your mind that it'll still fade in time. Genuine love is matured and simple and lacks youthful passion.

Don't be in hurry to ditch this girl because of 'lost feelings' you may never find someone like her again. Give one it more try. Try to revive those feelings the way you'll revive a loveless marriage.

Love is important in marriage, but the most important things are also compatibility, faithfulness, trust and most important of all, friendship.

Think twice before you throw this all away.

Why do people think God is so small or impossible. According to christainity my bible, tells me to seek him with all my heart and I will find him. Truth is we don't need a middle man to hear from God we all have the holy Spirit. Believe pray u will get ur answer. If JESUS says we will do greater works than he did and even gave us authority to cast out demons and gave us the Holy spirit to guide us then what are we going to middle men for. Am just saying God is bigger than that please don't make him small in your eyes he is above that. That being said if OP wants to go to other pastors he thinks are strong men of God for confirmation then I think he should also. But marriage also requires work whoever your wife is life is not without trials. So that's is why I always tell people if you are having doubts there is a reason. Even wen I think abt it 7years u did nt marry her this whole time. If her parents had to kip poking u 4 date it means u ave had doubts 4awhile.its unfortunate it took this long.but men are d worst wen it comes to change they are complacent beings she was ur comfort zone. And really you should also let the second girl go also if you have no intention of being serious with her. Start afresh don't force anything because of pity or who is funny. It is about when u are stressed out who is ur safe haven you want to be at peace in you marriage becos when the bad times come you will need it(I suspect ur quarrels u pick with girl1 is not doused as u put it might be one of ur many reason for falling out of love at least there is no violence that is another topic). Am saying seek God too u can hear from him.God is bigger than what @baldman is saying. If in doubt you can seek 2 or 10 more pastors from different churches for confirmation(you don't have to tell them ur story just tell them there are two girls and you need confirmation you don't even need to give names sef if they are that strong they can call the name for you or tell you none of them. Just make sure these pastors you go to don't know you or your family.my opinion sha is you can hear from God on your own through Jesus Christ you don't need a middle man.


@baldman so you are saying if God says that he should marry girl1 and a pastor tells him she can't have children for him then he should make his decision based on that and not marry her. Then goes for girl2 and then they are not compatible and one day she kills him or he kills her I know dis is extreme.but we have to be careful. I know somebody that married his young love and after years of marriage and 2children she cheated and committed suicide. Why? Because they ended up together for the wrong reasons. They had dated for long e.t.c even though they where both christains. Marriage is not beans so OP be careful u don't marry for the wrong reason seek God urself u will find him. If in doubt I guess u can ask for confirmation.

u av dated 1 for 7yrs..al of a sudden,u sim to lov d 1 u jst met mor dan d former 1..wel dats normal,cos we tend to lov a new car mor dan d old...u alwaz pick up quarel wit d former afta somdays cos u felt she's chokin u but not wit d oda gal..dats also normal,cos u avnt inventd new trends into ur relatnshp of 7yrs...dat ur mum prayd abt d 2 is also normal..n dat she hates d ibo gal is also normal..but wat i find abnormal is dat u claimed to b ahead of d game,yet u culdnt solve dis litle confusion u brought on yasef by ur act of fornicatn..wel,for ur info..a bro of mine is hapily maried to an edo woman despite dat d relatnshp was oposd by our mum n som pastors,but my bro stood is ground..let me stop here

carefreewannabe: I have the feeling that you'e not ready for marriage, yet.
Take your time. Don't rush into marriage because people are putting pressure on you.
Only you know the right answer but I guess that you'll need time to find what is best for you.

same ere..

@baldman so you are saying if God says that he should marry girl1 and a pastor tells him she can't have children for him then he should make his decision based on that and not marry her. Then goes for girl2 and then they are not compatible and one day she kills him or he kills her I know dis is extreme.but we have to be careful. I know somebody that married his young love and after years of marriage and 2children she cheated and committed suicide. Why? Because they ended up together for the wrong reasons. They had dated for long e.t.c even though they where both christains. Marriage is not beans so OP be careful u don't marry for the wrong reason seek God urself u will find him. If in doubt I guess u can ask for confirmation.[/quote

Lady TC: You will observe from my post that I indicated that if the OP wants to base his decision on logic ( meaning not just on what the will of God his) he can obtain the information that is not readily available in the physical through the ministration of genuine ministers of God, the advisable option is always to go God's way no matter what, but even you will agree with me that God does not impose His will on people, so he may choose not to marry the one that God chooses if for instance it is mentioned ( and he is convinced) that the one chosen may not be able to bear children. It is wiser however to seek and follow the will of God in everything, especially when it comes to the choice of life partner. Every good and perfect gift comes from God, if God is leading you to a woman and you are dead sure it is God, just trust and obey

@baldman so you are saying if God says that he should marry girl1 and a pastor tells him she can't have children for him then he should make his decision based on that and not marry her. Then goes for girl2 and then they are not compatible and one day she kills him or he kills her I know dis is extreme.but we have to be careful. I know somebody that married his young love and after years of marriage and 2children she cheated and committed suicide. Why? Because they ended up together for the wrong reasons. They had dated for long e.t.c even though they where both christains. Marriage is not beans so OP be careful u don't marry for the wrong reason seek God urself u will find him. If in doubt I guess u can ask for confirmation.[/quote

Lady TC: You will observe from my post that I indicated that if the OP wants to base his decision on logic ( meaning not just on what the will of God his) he can obtain the information that is not readily available in the physical through the ministration of genuine ministers of God, the advisable option is always to go God's way no matter what, but even you will agree with me that God does not impose His will on people, so he may choose not to marry the one that God chooses if for instance it is mentioned ( and he is convinced) that the one chosen may not be able to bear children. It is wiser however to seek and follow the will of God in everything, especially when it comes to the choice of life partner. Every good and perfect gift comes from God, if God is leading you to a woman and you are dead sure it is God, just trust and obey

thanks all for your detailed responses..Amya was spot on with some of the things she said..a happy and successful marriage goes beyond being in love

i sat the first girl down a while back and asked if she was consciously aware i get tired of seeing her after some few days that i want her to leave and she replied yes.she said she had weighed it in her mind seriously and concluded that if we get married,she would live in a different city and i in a different city and we'll keep visiting eachother.

married couples are supposed to stay together especially newly weds and not apart so you dont leave a gaping wall for lizards to crawl in.that she loves me so much is not in doubt but i feel she deserves more than she's asking for and more than i would give her.she is my best friend an it would kill me to see her suffer especially if i am the cause of the suffering and pain after marriage.

i have weighed a lot of things in my mind and i know am more connected to the 2nd girl than i am with the first but i think right now,i need to stop seeing this from just my point of view.i need to seek God and that is what am doing right now.i put both of them in my prayers everyday.
thanks baldman and LadyTC as i got a lot of inspiration from you guys.like you said,i am from a Good christian home but i have neglected a lot of Godly things for some time now so i might not be able to hear him.this was the same thing a close female friend of mine told me yesterday but am finding my way back to him and i have a conviction within me,everything is gona be alright.

like someone said, when it comes to marriage, no one knows who ll be a good wife(people do change) or who ll live long or who ll bring you more happiness and fulfillment. poster you just have to seek Gods guidance yourself. if you just hang on to your logic you just might get it wrong.

After seven years it is now u want to hear from God.I wonder the number of abortions she must have done for u.I am not saying u should marry her out of pity. make your choice but just know some how u gonna pay for wasting her time.