I have promised myself that for the next six months, I’m not buying any aso-ebi, it doesn’t matter who is getting married (God help me). Sometimes I wonder what the brides were thinking. Electric blue? I mean is that a colour or a type of fish? Where am I supposed to wear the dress to after the wedding?

On the d-day the bride looks like a painting, with her gelled hair and impeccable make up, grinning from molar to molar and making me wish my wedding could take place sooner.

And then not even two months after, the picture perfect couple are at each other’s throats, their solemn vow of for better for worse thrown out the window.

The battle of the sexes begins.

To my married friends, I have come up with a 10 point agenda to help you navigate the confusing maze called marriage. Ignore it to your detriment. lol

1. Get rid of false expectations
Before the wedding you had it all figured out-3 kids, a 3 bedroom in suburbia, relatives that inform you two months before coming for a visit, a husband who finds every other female unattractive, comes home by 6pm and makes dinner when you are too tired. When he gets home 5 hours before you do and waits for you to come back and fix dinner, don’t say he’s changed. You know what happened? You got married.

2. Birds of the same feather should flock together!
When you were dating, did he play golf on Sunday mornings while you went to church? Does he see Tafa Balogun as a hero for securing the future of his offsprings at the expense of those poor policemen? If it bothered you then but you went ahead with the wedding anyway, it’s a tad too late to be complaining about his lack of integrity, don’t you think?

3. Trust and Fidelity
It is the bedrock on which every relationship is formed. Stop stalking him. If he says he’s at the bank, believe that’s where he is. If he comes home late and says he had a flat tyre, then that’s what happened. Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Except if you snatched him from your best friend, in which case your maid might most likely bear him a son. It’s called the law of seed time and harvest time. And sometimes it comes pressed down, shaken together and running over too.

4. Get a grip on yourself
You know at first it’s really cute when he hurts you and you cry but let’s face it, after a while, he just gets irritated and equates your tears to blackmail. Besides, if he has sadistic tendencies, he might make you cry just for the fun of it, and probably watch Supersport while you empty your tear ducts.

5. What a man can do, a woman shouldn’t bother doing
Sometimes I get put off by women trying to assert themselves. He asks you on a date, you foot the bill. He takes you shopping; you tell him you can handle it. He wants to pay for your hair, you say you got it covered, thinking, I want him to know I can take care of myself. Are you surprised that now you are married, he tells the landlord to see you when the rent is due?

6. The game is in the chase
Remember how far he went to get you? Remember when he stood on Akpongbon Bridge begging you to marry him or else he’ll kill himself? (Well maybe that was taking it too far) And now he treats you like household furniture? It’s because he’s got you and he knows you ain’t going nowhere; I think? Advice no 7 & 8 should fix this problem.

7. Give him a reason to come back home
Now you are married you’ve let yourself go. You wear corn rows for one month and tie a wrapper on your chest on Saturdays. You eat everything labelled edible and don’t know where your make up kit is. You have a pile of dirty clothes on the living room couch and a bathroom that hasn’t been washed since you got married. And you complain that he never stays at home? Why should he? He may be disorganised but he doesn't expect you to be.

8. Live with Purpose
Beyond getting married, having children and taking care of the home, I honestly believe there is a greater purpose for which you were born. Aspire. Dream. Achieve! It makes you more attractive. Find your purpose and enlist your husband’s support to make it happen. I mean, Okonjo Iweala’s husband must be very proud wherever he is.

9. Money Matters
Never, ever lose your financial independence. There’s nothing wrong with having your own cash. He said he doesn’t want you to work? Well sell ice-block or something. There should be other words in your vocabulary beyond I want, I need, I’ve got to have, give me. He will lose respect for you when he has to support the family all by himself. And God help you if anything happens to him and you are left with children, a greedy set of in-laws and no job.

10. Speak his language
There’s something about familiarity that will make you take him for granted. Then he spoke you listened, now before he gets a word out, you say twenty. Stop wondering why he’ll rather drink with the guys than hang out with you. If he’s acting funny, it’s because you stopped speaking his language. Rediscover what it was that attracted him to you, and live it up.

There it is. I hope it helps.

But then again maybe you shouldn’t take me too seriously, remember, I’m just a single lady

© Naomi Lucas

http://naomilucas..com/2011/05/single-ladys-advice-to-married-women.html

I think you should keep your advice to yourself,it will be useful for you when you get married.

This is good stuff, actually. I would applaud you more, if I hadn't seen the link.
Kudos anyhoo!

Very nice piece...I don't why single peeps have more knowledge about r/ship matters than those in a r/ship *wondering*...talk about Oprah giving Beyonce marriage tips!

omiobo: I think you should keep your advice to yourself,it will be useful for you when you get married.

haba,this seems rude na

binger: Very nice piece...I don't why single peeps have more knowledge about r/ship matters than those in a r/ship *wondering*...talk about Oprah giving Beyonce marriage tips!

theres nobody with a monopoly of knowledge,we all learn from each other regardless of marital status and as long as the person is saying something reasonable.nigerians should stop being sterotyped,so because a lady is single it means she knows nothing when it comes to marital issues

kulyie: haba,this seems rude na

I was told that the best way to know where a road leads to,is to ask those who are coming.

kulyie: theres nobody with a monopoly of knowledge,we all learn from each other regardless of marital status and as long as the person is saying something reasonable.

Very true...

This is some really good stuff. Very informative.

Nice one @OP

Lol

@ Naomi Lucas: It's been quite a while girl;where've you been? By the way,you're still single?... Anyways,nice post you got there. Keep it up.

chronique: @ Naomi Lucas: It's been quite a while girl;where've you been? By the way,you're still single?... Anyways,nice post you got there. Keep it up.

If only I knew who Chronique was

Mbechun007:

If only I knew who Chronique was

Hehehehe.... You certainly do not know me as chronique. Remember d modelling thingy from way back? Finicky restaurant @ jibowu? I'm not donald though. Just the other guy you guys spoke with. Dnt wanna call my name here n pls dnt(if u remember)...lol.

After 7 years in marriage and still counting... I really endorse this post. The only thing missing 4 me is making God ur Bedrock.

dis simply luks lyk a virgin teachin a prostitute on how to giv gud sex

If u no won marry then u remain single because me no understand all dis gramer..abi ur boyfriend don dump u..u won con use style discourage girls way don marry so dat una go pleanty abi

Story story

This is the kind of article an unmarried person, especially a female, would write.

Maybe you should get married, then you will drop these stereotyped oyibo bullshhit.

Those of you criticising it should read it first, you just might learn something. I've picked a thing or two.

olumaxi: dis simply luks lyk a virgin teachin a prostitute on how to giv gud sex

LOL!!!

We don hear,no two marriage are the same. Thank you sha.

My opinion? You can never understand marriage until you're married!

Some part are right.

kulyie: haba,this seems rude na

RUDE.

It's all right but why are you in a haste.putting the cart before the horse.
You need the 10 points advice for single ladies first.

omiobo:

I was told that the best way to know where a road leads to,is to ask those who are coming.

nobody knows it all.looking down on a person because of his or her marital status in this part of the world is sickening.we all know what we know today and at every stage of our lives through various means

Ada Nri1: Those of you criticising it should read it first, you just might learn something. I've picked a thing or two.

i've never seen a thread in nairaland where nairalanders will not criticize,even when there is no reason to criticize.just learn and ignore those with loose mouths

Ihailedthee:

RUDE.

yes,rude

omiobo: I think you should keep your advice to yourself,it will be useful for you when you get married.

sorry she is smarter than u and u are jealous. Its not her fault. Bear it and keep ur rudeness to ur self

pDude: This is the kind of article an unmarried person, especially a female, would write.

Maybe you should get married, then you will drop these stereotyped oyibo bullshhit.

that you dont believe in it doesn't make it bull sh1t.please learn to respect other peoples opinions even if its contrary to your personal principles or opinions. We all learn,that is why we are humans.as long as you are one,you learn even if you dont think you need it or would apply it. No knowledge is a waste so be open minded and quit the attitude that your opinion is the best and others are wrong