DIARY OF THE STUBBORN FART


I was woken up by the sound of my phone’s alarm. I had set the alarm to 6:30 A.M the night before. It was imperative I wake up early in order to have enough time to prepare for the 8 o’ clock lecture I had that morning. I hurriedly did my morning devotion, rushed to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and did a 3-minute body wash.

I put on a white-black strip shirt and my favourite black trouser. They were looking crisp because I had ironed them with a spray starch the night before. I stood in front of my big height mirror stationed at the extreme right corner of my room, admiring my look and perfecting one or two “dress errors”. I applied a little powder on my face and rubbed the shear butter (popularly called Ori) on my arms and feet in order to cushion the whitening effect of the harmattan.

I was about rushing out of the room when I noticed I had not taken my breakfast. I quickly picked a spoon from the shelf and speedily consumed the left over beans I had cooked the night before. The bean was cold because I had forgotten to warm it. Eating it cold wasn’t pleasant but I needed to eat that morning because of the task of 8-5pm lecture ahead. I rushed out of the room, locked my door and walked swiftly to the junction.

“Campus!” I shouted when I saw a taxi. The Taxi stopped then I hopped in. I checked my wrist watch; it was 7:50A.M. I needed to get to school before 8 so as not miss the class attendance for that lecture. “How will they be marking class attendance for university student” I spoke softly to myself. I begged the Oga driver to drive a little faster so as to avoid the unpleasant scold of Aunty Latifah. Aunty Latifah is the lecturer of the course I was having that morning and she is a strict adherence to time and a proponent of punctuality.

We got to the school park and I paid the driver. I hastily entered Keke NAPEP- a popular tricycle on campus. I alighted at Block 8 and rushed to my department. As I was about entering the lecture room, I heard a prolonged noise like that of a thunderous storm emanating from my stomach. I held my breath for few seconds in order to cease the sound. I entered the lecture room, greeted my course mates and went to sit in my favourite position.

Aunty Latifah came in few seconds afterward and the lecture began immediately. Few minutes after the commencement of the lecture, the thunderous sound reoccurred. This time around, it was prolonged, musical and melodious. The kind of sound that will easily serve as beat to an award winning song. I was feeling uncomfortable. I looked at Jumoke who was sitting beside me, thinking she heard the sound but she didn’t. All thanks to the” faka fiki” sound of the ceiling fans. I wondered why the thunderous sound. Then I remembered the beans!

The Chemical Reaction Engineering class was interesting that morning. Aunty Latifah for the first time was solving some application questions. What I had known Chemical Reaction Engineering class for prior to now was proving. We prove all sought of mathematical relations which applications more than half of the class don’t know. Everyone in class was excited because of the examples she was solving.

Suddenly, I felt uneasy. A rumbling sound was building up in my stomach. I knew what was about happening. I was about to fart! I looked at Jumoke to my left, turned to Segun to my right; I noticed they were engrossed with what Aunty Latifah was solving on the board. I knew I couldn’t hold the fart, I just had to let go. I shifted a little to the edge of the chair, raised slightly my right thigh and released my anus’ muscles, tensioning the muscles intermittently. The gas came out noiseless and I felt relieved. The class ended and we await the arrival of the next course lecturer.

Three different lectures were received afterward. During the lectures, series of farts were released-smelly and non smelly. All the farts were noiseless; thanks to the gimmick of farting-intermittent tensioning and releasing of the anus’ muscles I had mastered during the chemical reaction class. The smelly farts were so nasty; they smelled like rotten egg. The class was nearly put into disarray because of one of the smelly noiseless farts. Lekan, one of my course mates, was accused of being the source of the smelly gas. The wrong accusation nearly caused a fight. I was just beaming with mischievous smile during the accusations and counter accusations.

The last lecture of the day ended 5:00PM. I was so tired and weak. I needed to defecate because the beans were still performing their unwanted activities. I packed my stationery inside my bag, inserted my Dr Dre earpiece inside my IPod and gently walked out of the class to the school park after bidding my mates goodbye. On my way to the park, I placed the earpiece on my ears .The sound emanating into my ear was soothing; the beat of the sound was distinct. “No wonder” I thought “Dr Dre made a lot of money last year. He would have sold thousands of this high-quality earpiece”. I was feeling good because of the Boyz II Men’s “Color of love” song I was listening, singing and shaking my head to. I had no premonition of what laid ahead! I boarded “Korope”- a seven sitter mini bus. The “seven sitter” is the ideal description of the bus but the real situation is far from being ideal. The bus carries ten students per trip.

I sat in the middle seat of the bus. The bus was filled with exhausted looking student. Some female Law students in their white-black uniform were sitting with me in the middle seat. They were looking attractive. I tried chatting them up but their response wasn’t encouraging. I gave up on my attempt and stayed focus on my IPod. I increased the volume and changed the equalizer sound setting to bass. I was enjoying the songs emanating from the earpiece into my ear when unexpectedly I felt uneasy. My stomach was rumbling and I knew the fart has come again!

“Save my soul oh Lord” I prayed. I tried to stop the fart from exiting from my anus until I alighted from the bus but I was unable to. It was so pressing that I was feeling so obviously uncomfortable. I looked around, pretending to be shaking my head to the song I was listening to. The ladies sitting with me were busy with their phones. I shifted to the edge of the seat, slightly raised the right half of my buttock, close my eyes and gradually released my anus’ muscles. The fart came out “noiselessly” and I felt so relieved.

Lo and behold as I opened my eyes, all the occupants of the bus including the driver were staring at me. They closed their nostrils with their hands, giggling and talking (I am sure about me) silently. I never knew the fart hadn't been noiseless. It came out with a loud pop sound like that of a mini Boko haram bomb and the smell was disgusting. I didn't hear the sound because of the ear piece on my ears. I frowned my face and was busy handling my IPod.

When I couldn't face the embarrassment any longer, I paid the driver and alighted from the bus few miles before my bus stop. Loud laughter erupted from inside the bus as the driver continued his trip after I had alighted. I trekked home hoping the occupants of the bus won’t recognise me when next they see me.

I wish I had not eaten the beans!

Source:http://www.facebook.com/victor.akindipe/posts/3750056169531?comment_id=3841832&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment

Guys,let us make fun of our embarrassing moment. Have you been embarrassed by a stubborn fart before? I will be glad if you could share the embarrassing moment with us. Let keep the fun kicking.