........ Problem solved. Case closed. We mooooove

Look for the real culprit behind all these. Who are his mentors and friends? Just look well. Maybe they have advised him that that is the best way to be a married man and rule your home. I am talking from experience here. Please, dont ask me what i did. It may not work for you. Marrying a fickle man is very dangerous (mine was in a relationship, thank God.).lol. - I am talking about the change in attitude. So many people think they know more about you guys than you do, not knowing every relationship is unique. So whether with good or bad intentions, they keep giving crazy advise. if your man does not have a mind of his own, you are in trouble. Amebo people will not shutup till they are embarrassed.

Also, get your own life and tell your siblings to get a job. How will your spouse respect you if you put all your family problems on his head. Where are your parents and what are they doing? Let your siblings take care of themselves or you use your money and take care of them. The guy may not have signed up for that.

Just get something doing to earn a bit of extra income and he'll respect you over time.
There are lots of other things you can do besides getting paid employment. Trading in women accessories, make-up, hair extensions and weave on, clothing, jewellery, day care and creche,the list is endless. Just start something lucrative if you can get a job that pays well enough.

eeeeeyah soorry i feel your pain. DOnt relent in finding a better job, he has a stubborn heart he is like my father.

I feel 4u sis.d advices given have all checked right cept with luking 4whose behind wat?if u want things 2get betr it has 2do with U.keep being a gud wife and mother,try to be independent and PRAY!seriously datz d key 2evrythg,gud/bad.it is well!

baby_123: Look for the real culprit behind all these. Who are his mentors and friends? Just look well. Maybe they have advised him that that is the best way to be a married man and rule your home. I am talking from experience here. Please, dont ask me what i did. It may not work for you. Marrying a fickle man is very dangerous (mine was in a relationship, thank God.).lol. - I am talking about the change in attitude. So many people think they know more about you guys than you do, not knowing every relationship is unique. So whether with good or bad intentions, they keep giving crazy advise. if your man does not have a mind of his own, you are in trouble. Amebo people will not shutup till they are embarrassed.

Also, get your own life and tell your siblings to get a job. How will your spouse respect you if you put all your family problems on his head. Where are your parents and what are they doing? Let your siblings take care of themselves or you use your money and take care of them. The guy may not have signed up for that.

Thank you my sister. Madaam, incase you don't know, your worth to your decreases as you continue to burden him with your family's reponsibility. It could even be the genesis of his disrespect to you. I know its expected of you to be there for your sibblings try not to involve your husband directly. As to how he talks to you, have you reported him to a family member you feel he respects most? Don't, most men get irritated by women involving thrid, fourth parties in their personal affairs. bear your heart out (much preferably in tears) except he's one stone heart morafucka that it won't get to him.

Have you asked God which way to go? Cast your burden upon Him and He shall sustain you. I'm not married but one day I hope to be. Look beyond the man that you see as your husband. He may not even be aware that he doing anything wrong. Also have you considered what you maybe doing wrong? When did things change. What is it that he's complained overr and over about to you. It's possible that he's reacting to pressure from. Somewhere and he's finding it hard to talk about it. Sit down with him and apologise sincerely (even if you are not wrong). People would advise you to
1. Confront him

2. Hate his siblings

3. Native way

4. Allllll manner of talk.

The truth is NO union is perfect. From what you have said here, you love this guy very much. That is a good thing because the ONLY thing that will get. Rid of that burning anger u feel right this moment, is LOVE. Love will conquer it all at the end. No need to resent him. Be a friend, not just a wife. He nedds more than a. Wife. Now. Show the love and let him see that even in the face of all this, u still love and respect him

Above all, there's nothing prayer can't fix.

Sorry to read what you re going through
I think you should get a job or start a business
Good luck with that dear

Do you have kids?

Eeya ,,,,,,,, Sorry Sis we feel ur pain,try nd Talk To God...... The most important Tin U re forgetting is tht Never Capitalize On the Issue "I ve sacrifice a lot 4 the marriage" because the more U do the more U keep seeing fault.... Nd tht will nt help . Jt get a Job nd it sha bi well

I do not feel your pain cos I am not you, but the simple solution to your little problem is to get a job, any job, no matter how little the pay. The job will serve 3 purposes:

1. Gain respect by absenteeism from the house.
2. A little income to take care of your basic of needs so you wont have to depend on him for 'Always'
3. To meet other ladies and guys and see the world in a different light. This is double blessing, cos those corporate dressing will augment yourr confidence and conjour his respect.

I feel for you. If you want to stay in this marriage then you got to make some changes in yourself, so you can maintain your sanity and rebuild your self worth. It seems like you have lost yourself to an extent because everything in teh marriage is all about your hubby and revolves around him which is wrong and it should be about the two of you as a married couple, You need to start by empowering yourself, do you have any skills, you seem educated so its possible to get a reasonable job or start your own business and become more self reliant, that is the start of course. That way you can give to your family without hubby being directly involved. From getting your own income you can begin to do other things that bring joy in your life. Do you have any children? Its not doing you any good being depressed about this husband daily, regain your own happiness, work on becoming the sourse of your own true happiness and not hubby, so that way if he does good or bad it wont matter because you are your own true source of happiness. Truthfully op if i where you i would get hubby to assist in starting a business for me and begin to have some savings incase of anything that may come along in the future.

This is obviously the first step to take....Get a job, irrespective of the pay for now! a whole lot of things might be wrong which you yourself might not be aware of, and the bad thing here is your husband is just like me! men who are egocentric needs to be well understood as they tend to talk less, so the solution to that is prayer!

Please, please dont but your family burden on him, please dont let him do as he wishes......dont let your siblings come visiting regularly or disturbing him for favors....personally such things can piss me off real bad.

Also be very caring but dont start acting inferior thats also a turn off, i mean dont start acting like he is a "god"!! be his best friend.

A very important question is: Do you have kids? or how long have you guys been married?

First of all, that title is not good, how can you say....you will soon go mad? Over what? For your information, everyone has one problem or the other to battle with and your approach towards the problem determines how far you stay inside the problem, dont be so overwhelmed in a problem to the extent of confessing negativities to yourself, the brave ones tackle and find solutions to their problems, not gathering pity-parties around themselves.
Secondly, talking about respect from your hubby, see, lets be realistic here, he who plays the pipe dictates the tune, its because he sees you more as a liability, and not a helper/contributor, engage yourself, find something to do to earn your own money to reduce the rate at which you depend on him financially, as for me, i will say, when any of your siblings need any financial assistance,do not involve him directly, just inform him, even, if need be, by that, he will no longer be feeling that hes your money machine, the truth is that, many men do not want to be bombarded with too much financial burden, especially, from non-immediate family members.
Also, to earn respect from your man, do not always be a receiver, sometimes, be also a giver........sometimes, you can buy something and give him, ....e.g
you:.......honey, i saw this in the store i visited today, and i think you will like it.
Him:.....oh!. Thank you, how much is it?
You:.....never mind, its a gift from me to you.....etc
something like the above can earn you respect.
As for me, i do adopt one method, which i can borrow you, i dont know if its right sha o, but it works for me;........when i want to assist any of my siblings financially, i get the money and give it to him to give them, initially, i will not tell him, but because of the high respectful pedal i place him on, most of the times, he usually refund the money to me.
Another thing is that, if your siblings are the type that do visit often and often, let them reduce the rate at which they visit, it goes a long way to earn respect from man, and good for them too.
And finally, communicate, cummunicate and communicate, do not just talk, pass messages, pass message about what you want and what you dont want, if it has to be by begging or mailing, always pass messages, just last week, my hubby said something to me, while he was going to drop me at work, which didnt go well with me, i couldnt bottle it in until we are closed for the day, i sent a comprehensive e-mail to him while at work, pouring out my mind, and by the time he would be back, it was with apologetic faces, and that was how it ended, many of us do not really know how to really pass message, many women only know how to talk, which to men, is nagging, so, find a way of passing your heartfelt messages to him.
Above all, invite God into your relationship, ask God for guidance, peace and wisdom to administer things in your matrimonial home. Commit him also always in God's hand.(if you dont mind, you can get a copy of the book"the power of a praying wife", it will help)
May God help us all.

Good suggestions @greatGod. Learnt a lot from that.
In addition, I want people to de emphasise the idea of getting a job because it's no use getting employed if it's not gainful. She could engage in several other things that can earn her a good income as well.
I really don't like the job seeking approach to solving financial problems. Just look around you @OP there are many opportunities disguised as problems you can make money from if you're not lazy.

God be with you. Remember, Heaven helps those who helps themselves. You alone are responsible for your own happiness.

You need to get it out of your belief system that it is your husband's responsibilities to take care of your siblings. May be when you do, it won't hurt much that he is reluctant to do it and you can get to appreciate it if he makes any effort at that. Marrying you doesn't mean that he has to pay the bill for your siblings. See how you can organize for something to do or sell. Your not having a job may be the greatest cause of your unhappiness and if you project an unhappy aura it might affect the people around you and beget more unhappiness. If your husband is belittling and abusing you emotionally find another way to get him down to discuss it out with you if he refuses to talk. You can speak to him thru a mail or letter and raise a point so important to him in the mail or letter that he can't help but want to discuss immediately. A friend or family member (that is very close to both of you who have always stood by both of you and who you are not ashamed to share with) can stir up a conversation in the direction of things when they appear in your family home.

The communications may help but if it doesn't and he continues, you can talk him into going counselling with you hoping that that may help too.

Note* If he lays his hand on you/beats you (in case you were uncomfortable to open up on that here) please FLEE before you get killed.

agiboma: I feel for you. If you want to stay in this marriage then you got to make some changes in yourself, so you can maintain your sanity and rebuild your self worth. It seems like you have lost yourself to an extent because everything in teh marriage is all about your hubby and revolves around him which is wrong and it should be about the two of you as a married couple, You need to start by empowering yourself, do you have any skills, you seem educated so its possible to get a reasonable job or start your own business and become more self reliant, that is the start of course. That way you can give to your family without hubby being directly involved. From getting your own income you can begin to do other things that bring joy in your life. Do you have any children? Its not doing you any good being depressed about this husband daily, regain your own happiness, work on becoming the sourse of your own true happiness and not hubby, so that way if he does good or bad it wont matter because you are your own true source of happiness. Truthfully op if i where you i would get hubby to assist in starting a business for me and begin to have some savings incase of anything that may come along in the future.

Aw-aw-aw-aw. Nice advice there.

Sorry sis but first things first you need to get busy if its a job get one if its business selling clothes and all start just get busy profitable so you don't dwell much on your problems and you can help your own family members

Secondly looking at it from another angle are you really sure your hubby does not want to take care of your siblings or you ask him for money during the period he is broke?

Thirdly for a man that does not know how to talk its a man that does not know how to talk that will handle him. Talk to him exactly how he talks to you. Especially in similar situation, check out his reaction and explain that that's the way you equally feels when he talks anyhow to you. However guage his mood and atmosphere before you proceed.

In all pray. Its the best medicine in marriage

CuteXclaim: Am really at a crossroad in my marriage. There are countless things I found so annoying in my husband. First, he talks to me anyhow, no atom of respect from husband to his wife. The manner at which he talks to me is so annoying and it has really drained my esteem somehow. I hav 2 tell u dat during our years of courtship such did nt happen. Ofcourse I know that u earn respect, I av done everything I cld 2 earn his respect, but it's nt working because it seems as if there is no way I can get it right wen it comes to my husband.Av discussed it wit him in a subtle way I could, but he's so egocentric to the xtent of not listening rather he will tell me I dn't know how to talk. This has killed communication in my marriage. But the worst is that I resent him somehow, because I see it that he's no where near understanding me. Second, he's selfish, everything in the family is him first, though he gives me money wen I askd. When his family askd for something, it's their right to ask, it's his right to do it as a son to his parent or brother to his sibblings, honestly am nt against it I go extra miles at times to do my right as a dAughter in-law. But when it's my family' turn it's nt convenient, or I beg on theIr bhalf and still is as if he doin them unmerited favor.This is a man I sacrifice everything 4 to make d marriage happend. Dn't think I did it in desperation to marry him, dat is Quite far from the truth. NL I nid a matured advice, it's more or less my life revolves round him. Av tried getting a job to be independent of him, but d pay is nt attractive nd I av sibblings looking up to me. Honestly, I feel frustrated wen responsibilities Come from my family and I can't attend to them. Am just confused, disturbed, nd angry.

Did your husband agree to take care of your family along side you when he was marrying you? I'm sure you know the answer to that. Your family is your responsibilty and not your husband's. I bet that is the root of the disrespect and resentment.

It's not your hubby's responsibility to cater for your family. Don't resent him for not doing it.

Find a source of income for yourself. Very important.

Talk to him, let him know you don't like the way he talks to you. If after several polite attempts he still persists, begin to talk to him in like manner. If he complains tell him you learnt from the best teacher, you learnt from him.

zayhal: It's not your hubby's responsibility to cater for your family. Don't resent him for not doing it.

Find a source of income for yourself. Very important.

Talk to him, let him know you don't like the way he talks to you. If after several polite attempts he still persists, begin to talk to him in like manner. If he complains tell him you learnt from the best teacher, you learnt from him.

Kai! See advice! Homebreakers association nairaland chapter.
@op,
If you're in the habit of asking for money to help out ur family, chances are he'll despise you for that.

greatgod2012: First of all, that title is not good, how can you say....you will soon go mad? Over what? For your information, everyone has one problem or the other to battle with and your approach towards the problem determines how far you stay inside the problem, dont be so overwhelmed in a problem to the extent of confessing negativities to yourself, the brave ones tackle and find solutions to their problems, not gathering pity-parties around themselves.
Secondly, talking about respect from your hubby, see, lets be realistic here, he who plays the pipe dictates the tune, its because he sees you more as a liability, and not a helper/contributor, engage yourself, find something to do to earn your own money to reduce the rate at which you depend on him financially, as for me, i will say, when any of your siblings need any financial assistance,do not involve him directly, just inform him, even, if need be, by that, he will no longer be feeling that hes your money machine, the truth is that, many men do not want to be bombarded with too much financial burden, especially, from non-immediate family members.
Also, to earn respect from your man, do not always be a receiver, sometimes, be also a giver........sometimes, you can buy something and give him, ....e.g
you:.......honey, i saw this in the store i visited today, and i think you will like it.
Him:.....oh!. Thank you, how much is it?
You:.....never mind, its a gift from me to you.....etc
something like the above can earn you respect.


As for me, i do adopt one method, which i can borrow you, i dont know if its right sha o, but it works for me;........when i want to assist any of my siblings financially, i get the money and give it to him to give them, initially, i will not tell him, but because of the high respectful pedal i place him on, most of the times, he usually refund the money to me.
Another thing is that, if your siblings are the type that do visit often and often, let them reduce the rate at which they visit, it goes a long way to earn respect from man, and good for them too.
And finally, communicate, cummunicate and communicate, do not just talk, pass messages, pass message about what you want and what you dont want, if it has to be by begging or mailing, always pass messages, just last week, my hubby said something to me, while he was going to drop me at work, which didnt go well with me, i couldnt bottle it in until we are closed for the day, i sent a comprehensive e-mail to him while at work, pouring out my mind, and by the time he would be back, it was with apologetic faces, and that was how it ended, many of us do not really know how to really pass message, many women only know how to talk, which to men, is nagging, so, find a way of passing your heartfelt messages to him.
Above all, invite God into your relationship, ask God for guidance, peace and wisdom to administer things in your matrimonial home. Commit him also always in God's hand.(if you dont mind, you can get a copy of the book"the power of a praying wife", it will help)
May God help us all.

greatgod,that was a masterpiece solution you just gave the OP! In addition, remember that with God,all things are possible and pray fervently.

israel007: Have you asked God which way to go? Cast your burden upon Him and He shall sustain you. I'm not married but one day I hope to be. Look beyond the man that you see as your husband. He may not even be aware that he doing anything wrong. Also have you considered what you maybe doing wrong? When did things change. What is it that he's complained overr and over about to you. It's possible that he's reacting to pressure from. Somewhere and he's finding it hard to talk about it. Sit down with him and apologise sincerely (even if you are not wrong). People would advise you to
1. Confront him

2. Hate his siblings

3. Native way

4. Allllll manner of talk.

The truth is NO union is perfect. From what you have said here, you love this guy very much. That is a good thing because the ONLY thing that will get. Rid of that burning anger u feel right this moment, is LOVE. Love will conquer it all at the end. No need to resent him. Be a friend, not just a wife. He nedds more than a. Wife. Now. Show the love and let him see that even in the face of all this, u still love and respect him

Above all, there's nothing prayer can't fix.

Good advise

Hm, why is it that when the woman's money goes into the man's family, no problem arises but when the man has to spend on any of the woman's relatives, it becomes a problem. It's not fair o, in as much as I support the lady getting a job for herself I still see nothing wrong in her man helping her siblings after all we are made to understand the both families become one.

toofine765: Hm, why is it that when the woman's money goes into the man's family, no problem arises but when the man has to spend on any of the woman's relatives, it becomes a problem. It's not fair o, in as much as I support the lady getting a job for herself I still see nothing wrong in her man helping her siblings after all we are made to understand the both families become one.

You are right but not all in all cases
Some men feel they paid a small fortune to acquire their wife and thus they dont want to have anything to do with their family
Also if the man's side is struggling, he may resist the double burden as he is used only to his own side

If people really looked at the big picture, they will understand that helping relatives to stand on their own feet so you can rest is the best strategy
If you dont na your house dem go come camp
If you reject them, serious envy and bad blood could result


However the fact is this woman must get a job in case she is left out in the lurch

I agree there is nothing wrong in helping as they are now one

toofine765: Hm, why is it that when the woman's money goes into the man's family, no problem arises but when the man has to spend on any of the woman's relatives, it becomes a problem. It's not fair o, in as much as I support the lady getting a job for herself I still see nothing wrong in her man helping her siblings after all we are made to understand the both families become one.

We all know the economic climate its hard enough to help your own siblings let alone carrying the burden of your wife’s. Lets face reality nothing goes for nothing if the situation be reversed can I really count on my wife’s family to be there for me? Most likely not!! Na them go first tell her to pack comot the useless broke man house. I understand if the man is rich like Abramovich but for a struggling man that extra burden is not needed. The only thing a man owes his wife is to take care of her and the kids’ needs. Every other person on her side is jara and not part of the contract.

toofine765: Hm, why is it that when the woman's money goes into the man's family, no problem arises but when the man has to spend on any of the woman's relatives, it becomes a problem. It's not fair o, in as much as I support the lady getting a job for herself I still see nothing wrong in her man helping her siblings after all we are made to understand the both families become one.

How many times does a womans money go to a mans family? How many times have you as a person given money to your husbands family

How many men would even take money from their wife not to talk of his family. We know how most women are with money

Lets be realistic here. Some women come into marriage thinking their families responsibilities is on the guy.

Most men would react when in that position.

How can he have 30k that he has planned for and your brothers come to ask for 20k

i believe the contention here is respect and money but wait! the op did not say her husband disrespect her cos of her sibling. well, it may contribute.
the problem here is you (op) why not take your mind off this respect stuff and channel your energy to productive issues.
i dont know what is wrong with some women, they dont see their problem but that of their partner is the one always glaring on their face.
a man can earn your respect in many ways not just you working.
it could be your cooking, laundry and neatness, sense of dressing, ability to manage your emotion, communication style, self over priced, arrogant, stubbornness (most men dont like arrogant and stubborn woman), unteachable character etc
you have to look inward or better still plead with him to tell you where you are wrong and focus on change. i dont think getting a job will really solve your problem (i no talk say make you no go find job ooo...)

for everyone dat CommEnted on this thread, thank you. But I must tell u dat I av considerD all the pieces of advise given, and carefully folloW Some. I av a job, though d pay is nt too attractive, I also engaged myself in some other decent activities that earn me money. I am juSt too busy to notice my husband's act. Though, I perform my right @ home,and I devote the little time I av for my child, and also to rest. Thanks once agAin for opening my eyes. You just saveD a soul.