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|My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 1:43pm On Mar 31, 2013|
Hello. I just drafted this 'insane' short film script and would love to be constructively criticised.
It's just a 6-page script, so don't be bothered about it taaking too much of your time. It's entitled 'paranoia'.
Please, find the attached document and see it below:
A young man becomes deranged after losing his job. He starts seeing his new neighbour as his greatest enemy as a result of self-deception. On getting to know his‘neighbour’s wife’, he discovers real paranoia.
Thompson- A plain man in his early 30s, with moustache and a sparkle in his eyes
Funmi- A pretty lady in her late 20s, with a slightly unkempt hairdo and a quirky smile
Mrs Eze- A woman in her early 40s, well-dressed in a corporate sense
(Thompson’s) image- Same as Thompson
(Thompson, wearing a short and t-shirt, is in deep thoughts on his mattress. He rolls from one side of the bed to another with tears rolling down his eyes. He flashes back:
MRS.EZE: So, where do you see yourself in the next…say five years?
THOMPSON: I can’t really say. Five years is not that long. My personal target is to have achieved some things by age 30.
MRS. EZE: May I know those things?
THOMPSON: Well, I see myself…you know…having a beautiful wife with two lovely kids, a house that’s mine, doing a lucrative job I love and…and…that’s it.
MRS. EZE: That’s it?
THOMPSON: yes, that’s it.
(He stands up weakly from the bed, staring at his image in the mirror. He then picks a paper and pen and writes down some things. He stares at the mirror again.)
THOMPSON: All my dreams are just…dreams that they are. They are not real…
IMAGE: Who told you so? Thompson! When did you become this faint-hearted? The fact that you are a little above thirty doesn’t mean you can’t achieve all your dreams. It’s never too late. Don’t give up.
THOMPSON: (sobs) I sincerely think it is too late.
IMAGE: It isn’t! Stop that! You can start achieving your dreams…starting from now.
THOMPSON: How is that possible? I just got laid off from work last…
IMAGE: (interrupts) so? Remember the pretty lady you saw during yesterday’s morning exercise…
(Thompson is seen jogging and suddenly stops. He fixes his gaze at a woman who is on her way to work and then smiles to himself.)
IMAGE: What stops her from being your wife? The mistake people make in life is to be rigid about everything. Don’t! You don’t have to start with a well-paid job before you start doing other things that matter. Go for it! Go for it!
THOMPSON: Okay…okay, I will go for it. (His image smiles)
(Thompson, wearing a trouser and a jersey, is seen jogging and stops in front of a house. A woman comes out of the house, holding her handbag and busy with her cell phone. He clears his throat and quickly walks up to her)
THOMPSON: Em…hello. Good morning.
FUNMI: Morning. (There is a brief and awkward silence.)
THOMPSON: I’m Thompson. Nice meeting you. (They shake hands.)
FUNMI: I’m Funmi. Oh...are you the new neighbour that just moved into our street?
FUNMI: You are welcome.
THOMPSON: Thanks. You really look beautiful. I mean you are every man’s…
FUNMI: Em…thank you. I’m already late to work…
THOMPSON:I guess you are single, right?
FUNMI: I beg your pardon. That sounds rude for someone you are just meeting for the first time.
THOMPSON: Nothing new under the sun. That’s why people say love at first sight.
FUNMI: I’m sorry but I am happily married with two lovely kids. (She shows him her ring finger.) I would like you to respect that.
THOMPSON: (Shocked) Two…two lovely kids? That’s…that’s…and this is your husband’s house?
FUNMI: (scoffs) You sound scary. I would love you to excuse me. (Looks at her wristwatch and leaves for work)
(Thompson, in his short and t-shirt, washes his face into a bowl and sits in front of his mirror, staring at his image.)
THOMPSON: I can’t believe she is married…
IMAGE: Thompson! I hope you see what I’m seeing. That is your dream!
THOMPSON: I don’t understand.
IMAGE: Don’t sound dumb. All you’ve ever wanted is what her husband has! You name it- a beautiful wife, two lovely kids, a house of your own and…he probably has a nice job for him to have that house. And you know what; he should be in your age range. Your next door neighbour is living out your dream!
THOMPSON: So…so what can I do? What should I do?
IMAGE: You don’t deserve your present state, Thompson. Have you asked too much from life? Many want to become the President, the governor, the CEO of a bank, a world-class surgeon and so on; but all you asked for is a comfortable life. But life was unfair to you; it made you very plain, not that intelligent and presently jobless. It made your friends run away from you thinking you are crazy. Your dream life is just a stone throw from you. What matters is if you are brave enough to get it.
THOMPSON: (Taps the table) I am brave enough. What can I do?
IMAGE: That man is basically sleeping with your wife, fathering your children and staying in your house! You need to get him out of there…you need to take him out…
THOMPSON: how do I take him out?
IMAGE: Are you asking me?
(It’s 5.30 pm. There is a knock at the door. Funmi, now wearing an evening gown, opens it and finds Thompson by the door. He quickly hides the sharp knife in his hand in a small bag)
THOMPSON: Good evening. I am here to apologise for…for yesterday’s episode. I guess we didn’t meet on a good note.
FUNMI: (smiles) No problem. Apology accepted.
THOMPSON: is your husband home? I would like to say hello to him.
FUNMI: He is not yet back from work but you can wait for him.
THOMPSON: That’s a good idea.
(Thompson is seated in the well-furnished living room, sipping a drink.)
THOMPSON: What of the children?
FUNMI: they are back from school. They should be in their room busy with their assignments.
THOMPSON: Nice. A boy and a girl?
FUNMI: Yeah I know…lucky me. Or…would you like to meet them?
THOMPSON: of course. (She goes inside and comes back with two dolls! She places them gently on the sofa.)
FUNMI: Here they are. That’s Tade; he is in primary four by now. The girl is Titi; she is about to leave primary school. So…
THOMPSON: (shocked) What the…? I asked for your…your children…not…not
FUNMI: Well, I’m happy you’ve met them. My husband always comes around six. I hope you can wait till then.
THOMPSON: (confused) I…I will try.
FUNMI: By the way, you scared me yesterday when you walked up to me. You kind of sounded crazy…but you know…I just had to maintain my cool.
THOMPSON: Oh really?
FUNMI: Yes. Welcome to AyedaadeStreet. You see, people here are strange. They just kind of avoid me and my family as if something is wrong with us but who cares? It’s not like I beg people to make a living. (Checks her wristwatch) Oh…it’s almost time. My darling should be around by now.
THOMPSON: Doesn’t he have a car because I can’t hear any sound of…?
FUNMI: (interrupts) Don’t worry; I always know when he is around. Tade and Titi, daddy is back. (She goes to open the door, and a dog runs inside barking. She closes the door gently and sits down.)
THOMPSON: Don’t tell me…
FUNMI: (cuts in) I think he is very tired and hungry now. I have to get him his food. You may have to come back tomorrow. I’m very sorry.
THOMPSON: Em…I see. (Swallows saliva and stands up, with his leg shaking) Thanks for the…the hospitality…and introduction to your family.
FUNMI: (smiling) it’s my pleasure. I am very happy to finally have a friend on this street. I think we are like minds.
THOMPSON: Oh…indeed. (He walks briskly out of the house.)
FUNMI: We would be expecting you some other time. Bye! The children are also greeting you…
THOMPSON:Yeah…bye. (Starts walking towards his house quickly; talks silently) oh my God! Am I dreaming? That’s one hell of a classic mad woman!
‘I complained I had no shoes, not until I saw someone without legs’.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 7:11pm On Mar 31, 2013|
Pls, sum1 shud respond. Hasn't any1 read it?
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by VillageBoi(m): 8:02pm On Mar 31, 2013|
Hahaha, that was pretty nice. I liked it a lot... totally abstract. The one thing missing is character descriptions so we can sort of make an image of what your characters look like - apart from that I don't see anything wrong with it.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 8:10pm On Mar 31, 2013|
VillageBoi:E se gan sir. I will include that as you've said.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by VillageBoi(m): 8:40pm On Mar 31, 2013|
You don't even have to; just go ahead and shoot it. It will make a good quirky little film, I'd totally want to watch the film.
This an excerpt of something I wrote to someone else on the topic of adding 'descriptions' (a rough example) -
"You already have their pictures in YOUR head but we readers have nothing. So if you asked a casting director to cast your film he or she would not have a clue as to what any of the characters are meant to really be.
Eg – Okoro, a pot-bellied man in his late 40’s wears jeans and a t-shirt that is far too tight for his flabby body, he is greying at the temples yet has a good looking wry smile and a sparkle in his eyes blah, blah, blah – (visually we immediately build a picture of him in our mind - looks, character, traits and they may just be assumptions) from this little bit we can pick out that his character is probably one of a man that is always young at heart and is ‘actually nice’ the ‘good looking’ wry smile and sparkle in his eyes tells us that. (or hints at such)
You’d write his description differently if he were a pervert preying on much younger girls (as per his teenage style dressing). Note – I said he ‘probably is' – he could be a nasty person that ‘looks’ out of character… something that shocks us later. (As you continue writing you'll learn more rules)... then you will learn how to break them to build even better characters – the ones we love, the ones we hate, the ones we love to hate and the ones we hate but love. (Dexter in the same-named TV series is a serial killer but we love him so much)."
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 9:13pm On Mar 31, 2013|
VillageBoi:Thanks! Well noted. Jah bless.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by jotti: 9:39pm On Mar 31, 2013|
Totally love it aswell
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 9:49pm On Mar 31, 2013|
jotti: Totally love it aswellThanks.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by semid4lyfe(m): 12:38pm On Apr 04, 2013|
Na real paranoia
Classic! Short, Concise, Precise, no wasted words and scenes, I absolutely loved it. . . .
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 6:04pm On Apr 04, 2013|
semid4lyfe: Na real paranoiaThanks.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by prof800(m): 4:45pm On Apr 05, 2013|
nice write up..u can do better.
i hope u are going to shoot it ooo...because i really liked it.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 9:07pm On Apr 05, 2013|
prof800: nice write up..u can do better.Thanks. But I dnt currently have the resources and skill to shoot nw. I am a scriptwriter and an actor.
But I dnt mind Villageboi working with it...
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by VillageBoi(m): 10:53pm On Apr 05, 2013|
sholay2011: But I dnt mind Villageboi working with it...
Cool. When next I enta na something we fit shoot in a day.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 11:21pm On Apr 05, 2013|
VillageBoi:That's good to hear. It's my pleasure if you work with it. Wud be looking forward to that bro.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by kunlefox(m): 10:28pm On Apr 07, 2013|
This is cool! i was with it from the beginning(though it's not much)....hahaha i was telling myself that Funmi is so open which i thought was dumb at first but then when it got to the introduction of the family members..i totally got it.
it can be related to so well that what you want sometimes are weird and definitely not what they seem to be...loool!
Do i need to say i love the concept of the dialogue with his image....it's good!
i agree with Villageboi that the touches should be done to the character description bits.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 12:07am On Apr 08, 2013|
kunle fox: This is cool! i was with it from the beginning(though it's not much)....hahaha i was telling myself that Funmi is so open which i thought was dumb at first but then when it got to the introduction of the family members..i totally got it.Tanks very much. I tot I had modified the file by adding the character descriptions...wud do that again.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by kunlefox(m): 8:42am On Apr 08, 2013|
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by Nobody: 1:39pm On Apr 08, 2013|
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by KingPradas(m): 1:42pm On Apr 08, 2013|
the ending is confusing.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 1:56pm On Apr 08, 2013|
KingPradas: the ending is confusing.Really? *clears throat*
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by ichommy(m): 2:00pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Great Job, Shola
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by semid4lyfe(m): 2:01pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Watching all those Idumota-Pound Road-Upper Iweka etc mass produced home videos has dumbed down the intelligence of
Are you surprised?
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by MrToy: 2:20pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Its cool, really and I did like to be part of the shooting, my directorship attribute can do something. I believe. GOod work.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by alkalineak: 2:30pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Nice piece of work @OP whats your location?
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by sholay2011(m): 2:53pm On Apr 08, 2013|
alkaline.ak:Thanks. I'm in Akure.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by KingPradas(m): 2:53pm On Apr 08, 2013|
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by Jerryjat(m): 3:17pm On Apr 08, 2013|
wow... i tink ur needs more editing.... it nice duo....
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by Nobody: 3:22pm On Apr 08, 2013|
OP, pls shoot d video 2 save me d all stress of reading. Hope nice n comment reactions are gud.
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by everyday: 3:23pm On Apr 08, 2013|
I do not understand
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by Caracta(f): 3:28pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Wow! Excellent! Creative! Gosh, that woman must be a 'mental case'. Rotflol...I can imagine the look on the guy's face. Na to run comot na. Good job OP. Good job!
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by barman: 3:35pm On Apr 08, 2013|
I have a song dat suit dis film, all d boys dem dey para para
|Re: My Short Film Script- PARANOIA by baby124: 3:37pm On Apr 08, 2013|
Wow, so scary. I never understood it. But this short story really tells how crazy people can rationalize their actions perfectly. Look at him coming there with the intention of killing her husband and replacing him as the father in the family. Was he planning on doing that in front of the kids? Well he met his match. hehe.
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