"Come o, make una come see wetin this boy dey do for backyard o, him don shit full everywhere"

Na so my head turn upside down, my eyes roll inside come waka come out as I just stand hook, my hand for trouser bur I no fit pull am come up because shit still dey comot from my nyash. If to say I know say na so e go be I for just ask my friend where their toilet dey but how I even wan carry do am self. That na question wey only boys go fit answer if the friend wey dem visit ma like me na girl.

**Code switching tinz**

I prayed deeply in my heart for the heavens to open and a great white Angel flying around holding a giant golden trumpet in his hand blowing it with all his strength. At least I will know how to explain to Apostle Peter that I was caught shitting and could not wash my ar.se on time so was late for flying towards heaven. **God forgive me**

Well, wishes are not horses and God answers prayers His own way so I just stood/squat there waiting for a miracle which I knew deep within me like Jonah knew he had effed when trying to runaway inside the belly of the fish, that there was no way my prayers would be answered.

A mini-crowd had formed round, angry faces holding their hands over their noses and cursing me in every dialect they could think of. From

"Dan banza" to "Omo olori buruku ni" to "Onyiara"

Chei only me with all this insults and curses but then the curse should have been directed at my bowels for failing me at that crucial moment. If only it had held a little while after Juliet excused herself to go and dish the food she was preparing for me, I would have been at home by now doing the stuffs. Hunger too should be blamed because there was no way I was going to return to my room at Shagari Quarters after visiting Kanti (both in Kazaure in Jigawa State) purposely to eat this food.

If only I had not visited George the previous day this stuff wouldn't have happened so their curses should also be directed at him. Afterall freely I had received so freely I had given. I had visited George at the unholy hour of 11:00pm when I could no longer control the hunger, Monday was far and the tendency of my phone vibrating after receiving an alert was very slim. At that unholy hour I had met George cooking beans on an almost dying stove. He too was going through the same financial meltdown as me but he could still boast of beans and a little kerosine while I could boast of nothing.

"George, George!!! George in my house"

I had greeted him that night. He looked up momentarily from the food he was cooking to flash me a scowl with the unspoken message.

"You no dey sleep for house neh abi na here your winch send you come"

Since it was an unspoken word I had no reason to answer than to walk up to him and pat him playfully on his back. This brought out the demon in him.

"Guy, stop to dey touch me like that... Which kind nonsense be this, visiting me this kind time never do you, you wan gay me join"

He said between clenched teeth.

I would have replied in the same venom but looking at the beans that was floating in a pond of palm-oil I changed my mind and swallowed saliva.

"Ehn George, me and you na paddy na, I no fit gay you, in fact our love dey like David and Jonathan own for olden days"

I replied his voice with a calm one. This seemed to piss him off the more:

"Guy stop to dey use bedroom voice for me before I scream RA.PE!!! here."

He threatened. This made me enter into an uncontrolable fit of laughter as I walked into his room to pick a spoon and joined him immediately outside in keeping a vigil over the cooking beans. If he was angry, he showed it, if he was going to murder me to eat the beans alone he also showed by constantly hissing.

"See, them no send me come feed you for school na, you know say this na lock up period but you still dey show. Na because of you I dey prepare this food by this time"

He finally said.

"Haba George, you know say I never chop since morning but since you say na because of me you dey cook by this time I dey happy na. At least na me and you go chop this food finish o."

I replied him.

"Your dad men"

He abused.

"Na you mum boyfriend"

I replied him.

Moments later...

"Chei!!! Kerosine don finish oooo!!!"

I screamed before George even noticed. Some of the beans had already drowned but a few still swam in the surface of the oily pond.

"See, make me allow am soak for 10 minutes then make me chop am, man no die, man no rotty"

George suggested.

Who am I to refuse the free food, I nodded my head like an agama lizard, the saliva in my mouth changing from drip-drop to a stream. Eating beans at such an hour was bad but eating it half-done was suicide mission which I willingly took because of the hunger biting my stomach to bits.

"O boy, this beans make sense wella o"

I said minutes later as I made a sucking sound on the water filled, half-done beans.

"Na true o, thank God say I put that Ajino-moto wey we make during practical last week o".

Immediately I knew my world or probably the world of my stomach had crashed from that moment, in fact, multiple engine failure had already occured, it is just the total shut-down of the system that was waiting. Why had I decided to allow my hunger push me to George's place in the first instance. Well, some questions don't have answers.


*************************************************************************************************

"Juliet, I am sorry, I never meant for it to happen that way"

I was pleading with Juliet the next day when I met her going towards her department. She just stop to look at me disgustingly before proceeding leaving me standing with my hands and palms opened in supplication, a prayer that was answered the moment female students started tripping out of their hostel passing through my direction.

"Na him be that na... Attai, na him sh.it for backyard wey everybody see"

I fainted!!!

Omo cum kwontinue dx ya farcical writeup

Hmm...juz lyk that

valboy20: Hmm...juz lyk that

Just like what?

Lwkmd. Your own don finish for d skul be dat o.

Lol.

Foxy_Ultimate: Thank you Oga Sir....

I swear, I no go do am again

Owk... Dear readers... Tori don finish na, person wey faint no dey type story jor

Abeg wake up before i wake u up.

Thumbs up Foxy ma nigga.

But why the duplicating identity na. Use one

U try, keep it up! Nxt update!

The end? No o. The story must not end like this. Foxy come and continue o.

Marian17: The end? No o. The story must not end like this. Foxy come and continue o.

Ehm... Because of you I will continue o... Though I hav no plan to write about my life in school...

Foxy_Ultimate:


Ehm... Because of you I will continue o... Though I hav no plan to write about my life in school...

Thanks

For Marian17 ..... the 17 na your age?


I walked into the silence of the class as the lecturer practically stopped teaching as she saw me entered. I avoided glances until I got to the space reserved for me by my darling coursemate Amaka. I lowered myself to the chair without looking up expecting the lecturer to continue with her lectures but I was wrong. The silence that had greeted my entrance had increased to an unbearable degree that I had to look up only to see the whole class and the lecturer staring closely at me.

I did the sign of the cross in my heart and looked at the accusing eyes. This seemed to send them the message as they all turned to the teacher who resumed her lectures. I kept looking at them but the moment I tried picking my pen which dropped, the same pin-drop silence followed again. I looked up to see them preparing to cover their noses. It was quite embarrassing that I stood up and walked out of the class counting my steps.

"Puuuuuuuututtututututut"

I froze, someone was making jest of me. I picked my leg and fled the class only to hear cheering chasing behind me.

"Haba Albino, na here you come stay, no lectures abi wetin?"

Paparazi asked me. He had used that name as a yab one night and it had stucked invariably because nothing I did changed people mind from calling me that name. I looked up to see him smiling mischievously at me.

"Why you talk like say you no hear wetin happen na"

I queried burying my head again in the book I was reading. A book by "Brian Tracy ---- The Power of Self Discipline **No Excuses". Maybe I need to discipline my love for food even when hunger stared me in the face.

"Wetin happen na, you wey shit for backyard no be new thing na. If na me I go do worse"

Paparazi voiced his opinion. The dude could be clownish some times that I could not help but laugh at what he just said.

"You no get that liver na, you wey dey fear AU (Dean of Student Affairs) die neh."
I retorted.

"I agree but for money I go do anything"

He said meaning every single word. One thing I had come to discover as my weakness back in school was my inability from backing out of anything thing that had to do with betting. I don't play gamble but I could bet my balls in order to win an argument. I had always won but was still considered the greatest loser in the history of gambling in school. (story for another day).

"Owk, na front of female hostel I want make you shit if you get liver"

I told him my eyes I believed shining from the 1 million dollars idea I felt I had just conceived.

"No problem, how much how much" (typical naija language)

He asked.

"See, you know say me dey experience meltdown and no hope of them sending me money today. I dey even feel say make I borrow money from your place self but I get one idea like that. Make we go room 26, their Charzy room."

I told him.

"You know say I no like that room na"

He replied.

"No worry, the money dey important pass your personality. Everybody go wan bet with you"

I told him, albeit pleadingly when I thought of how I was going to feed for that day.

"Owk, no problem, make we go, da ma, everybody go don come back from lectures because this Muslim students go wan come pray"

He said.

I jumped up and down in my mind as we both walked towards the hostel, lectures for the rest of the day far from my mind. I would face those shit-haters some other day, not today. I was too hungry for that.

*******************************************************************************************

"See, I swear Paparazzi you no fit do am jor"

Ceasar countered heatedly.

"See, una dey underestimate me abi. Make we bet am now, una go hear the story tomorrow if una come school in the morning."

Paparazzi said heatedly. That was the cue I needed, I jumped up and lent my voice into helping Paparazzi gather enough opposition for the bet.

"Make una go N1,000 if una no dey fear"

I said, thinking of my share in the booty.

"We agree".

Deal signed, food was assured for one week straight, I just went straight to the shopping complex to collect a carton of indomie. I knew the money would come for it as everybody had dipped their hands into their pocket and provided their part of the bet. A total of N8,000. Me was the judge and a very old student (by age) was the banker.


************************************************************************

I ate well that week as we won the bet. The females in their hostel had woken up that morning to find a mountain like looking shit in front of their door. It was an eyesore all thanks to Paparazzi. How about me?

I was taken to the security office to write a statement and swear I wasn't responsible for the shit discovered. I only had the argument that I stay off campus. Well, it made me more popular among the female students on campus though in the negative sha.

I ended up not being able to friend any female student that stayed on campus for like......





A month (still on top of my game sha)

Wow!!! This is interesting o, Thanks. Btw my age is not 17, I'm a lil' older.

Marian17: Wow!!! This is interesting o, Thanks. Btw my age is not 17, I'm a lil' older.

Welcome dear....

U travel?

Foxy_Ultimate:

Welcome dear....

U travel?

.
No now. Why d'you ask?

see the time, i suppose dey sleep but i dey, dey shine teeth dey smile for this your tory, abeg chop knuckle jó

Waiting for more update

''Phhhhhhhssshhhhhh''

It was silent but being the owner, I felt it, heard it and mentally saw it leave the contours of the crack of my a.r.s.e. I maintained a straight face, youy don't wince in this kind of situation. It could be disastrous especially when the Dean of Student affairs was involved.

He had called us to the office when he heard of the things we had done, breaking laws that had been set for a long time and feeling no remorse about it. Well, I just a law and I hope I feel no remorse about it.

We had all come with the high expectation of entering into a higher institution where we would court freedom. Freedom to do as we please, organize parties, catch babes and most probably run some stuffs in the class at night as we had heard from our elder brothers but this happened not to be the case. Instead wee found ourselves in a glorified secondary school.

The laws were so much that the only thing that keeps reminding me that I was in the Polytechnic was the fact that I wore no uniforms to lectures and the lecturers don't hold canes in their hands but the security did though they never used it. We lived in perpetual fears because of what the older students had told us, how students were withdrawn at the slightest provocation.

Even a kids birthday party rocked more than our matriculation night party. It was filled with speech and laws on the dos and don'ts. Men, we had been promoted to SSS4 walai.

I initiated it on the 6th week of my stay in the boring school. I walked up to the female hostel to inquire of a babe that was giving me tough time. No reports was made on me as people had anticipated that from that day boys walked boldly to escort their girlfriends from the hostel. We also nicknamed the front of the female hostel ''Shadow'' as we practically spoiled the lights there so darkness could cover our stolen kisses and caresses.

The last straw was a guy that went all the way into the hostel in broad daylight to see his girlfriend who was sick. Well.... It generated commotions that we the initiators found ourselves in the Dean's office the 3rd day after seeing our names on the notice board.

The fear that was instilled in me when I saw my name freezed my bowels. I was eating but was not shitting but it meant nothing, the fear of being sent home marked my begining of wisdom. Do not overstretch authority.

********************************************

''Ignoring what you boys were doing is not a weakness on the part of the school, we just want you to enjor your stay for the mean time till after you see your first semester result. That's when you will understand the authority of the school. All your files had been on my table for........''

That line alone... Just that sentence loosened my bowel. I knew I needed a divine intervention to see ND2. Just when I thought I had felt all would be well, I felt the farmilar pressure on the opening of my anus. God, the AC was high but then it felt hot in my position. I looked at the Dean in the face, the way his mouth was moving up and down and a devilish thought crossed my mind.

I relaxed the holding force on my anus with a sigh and listened attentively as the air made its way out. I was the first to be enveloped in its ambience, all channels to oxygen was cut off, my eyes bulged out that I felt I would pass out but then, the fart belonged to me so it can't kill me.

If others perceived the smell they did not show it, they just stood their ground listening to the endless sermon none of them showing the least act of discomfort. Kai.... Aluta Continua!!! Solidarity forever!!!

''You would be rusticated from this!!!...... Hiaaannnn... Skrrruuurrr.... Tuuweeeeeyyyyy.... All of you gerroutttttt froooommmm myyyyy offfiiiiccceeee.....''

He ran away from his office before we did, we just turned and walked away as one body from the Dean's office. Our names disappeared from the notice board the next day.

I became a hero and my fart became a legend. It is still being discussed behind closed doors in the Polytechnic. You can confirm it yourself if you know the school I am talking about.



Solidarity Forever!!!

Aluta Continua...!!!

Victoria Assata...!!!

you must have been so notorious in school.

if you want 'glorified' come to my school too...... but it seems you guyz are more having fun





#do u have a grudge against me?#

princesa: you must have been so notorious in school.

if you want 'glorified' come to my school too...... but it seems you guyz are more having fun





#do u have a grudge against me?#

Technically NO... Since we got to know ourselves outside NL there's been this cold shoulder you gave to me that made me had the feeling... You know that kind feeling na.


Apart from that I'm cool with you. I made the last update (though the error was terrible) because of you and I am glad you like it. Send me a mail.... Explain the reasons for your outbursts....


**looks around**

Before una start to dey think something, no be wetin think ooooo....

my shoulders are hot na, how come they suddenly became cold



me i was just bein myself na
oya come let's make up


*looks around*
its with a handshake oh, what else?

If farts could be counted as talents, then I sure I'm one of the most talented peeps on earth. If farts could take peeps places, I should have toured the world farting for audiences, might even have farted during the swearing-in ceremony of GEJ to add a little substance to the event of the day. Or better still, I would have been invited by Obama during his inauguration ceremony to fart-sing the national anthem. Damn, my bowels are sure my greatest treasure, saving me when I find myself in a tight corner.

''Me I dey go house this weekend o, I don tire to stay here with no money and my foodstuff don dey finish.''

I announced to my room mate that morning. He looked at me with this 'are you effing serious' kinda look.

''No be just last week you go house and your foodstuff still plenty sef''

He replied me.

''Yes na but my brother no gimme anything, na now be im time to contribute to my education''

I answered him.

Truly I've gotten people that contribute each week to my schooling. Brothers and sisters who were done with their schooling and were working. To avoid complicating issues, I meet each of them on a different week.

Week - 1.... Papa

Week - 2.... Mama

Week - 3... My elder bro

Week - 4... My elder sis

So the cycle continues.

''Owk na, me go make sure say I flex this weekend like say you no dey.''

Roomie replied.

''No problem, just make sure say you no fry my egg finish and remain custard for me. No carry you babe wey like tea and biscuit come o, if I count say she chop pass 2 rows from this cabin, na your own I go chop o''.

I replied him. He just looked at me like I spewed poo and continued tapping on his phone. Very typical of Okoloba, my very brief abi na short room mate.

''Me don tell you o, if you try sef, I fit buy both of us that All Stars wey I talk.''

This got his attention.

''O boy, come dey go o, in fact na now your weekend go start.''

He said happily standing up and shoving me towards the door.

''O boy relax na, na evening thingz o, who wan enter this Kazaure sun by this time.''

I said to him after he succeeded in pushing me out and bolting the door from within. My room mate, both a pain in the balls and a very good friend.



*************************************

''Kano Busssss''

One of them conductors on a bus said. It was the eleventh bus to pass which I ignored, I was waiting for a Golf car.

''See, enter the next one wey you see o, you know say night don dey reach.''

Okoloba said. I made up my mind too.

''Na wa ne kudin mota''

I asked a conductor moments later.

''Darin biyu dan hamsin''

He replied.

''Ah ah... Kudin dari biyu ne''

I answered him back.

''To shiga, kana da canji ko''

He asked.

''E dama''

I replied him.

''No forget to buy am o''

My room mate said as the car zoomed off while I was wedged in between the conductor and some desert looking men. No word was exchanged and no other passenger was carried. We were just 6 in the car, me being the youngest and only student. I kept looking at the driver who concentrated on his driving while the conductor just sat inside the car not minding to call passengers who were scattered on the road.

I held myself firmly to the seat when I allowed my eyes to look at my legs, just between my neighbour's leg right on the floor of the car were sheated swords. Damn, I had entered some unlucky car, I was unsafe both ways cos I don't even know the intent of the men in the car.

Same moment, my bowel came to the rescue, no force, nothing, just fear was enough to activate a fart from the innerchambers of my system where sh:t are being stored.

My conscience was as clean as a slate as I started dishing out the farts in large silent quantities not minding the men glancing at me each time a new wave of smell hits them. They opened the window for the first time since the journey began, some of them sticking their face to the wind. I was undeterred, you don't get comfortable with wind hitting your face in a car driving at 120km/hr, I just upped my game. I started dishing out the ones that made annoying sound with the stench like a filled latrine.

''don't worry about the money''

The conductor screamed as the car zoomed off, I had been abandoned in the middle of nowhere. I boarded another car going to kano for a higher fee but I cared not, the day abi my life had been saved by my farts.


Farts could be medicinal and heroic in nature!!!!

Fart really saved the day, when would you teach me that fart trade of your



#how do you expect me to understannd hausa#

Foxy my Man. Ride on.

Wen wud u update na

Foxy,infact da way u analyse ur mess no differ from a junior bro who is a roomate....mehn dat guy dey mess!!!!.I do tell him if am in a 10000 conference hall and I am unaware he is present in that. Hall and I just. Smell his mess...I wil know cos na only one odour...keep it coming and FLOW werin dey now? Longest time

skoloppy31: Foxy,infact da way u analyse ur mess no differ from a junior bro who is a roomate....mehn dat guy dey mess!!!!.I do tell him if am in a 10000 conference hall and I am unaware he is present in that. Hall and I just. Smell his mess...I wil know cos na only one odour...keep it coming and FLOW werin dey now? Longest time

I dey oh, I no lost.

Na you i suppose ask where you dey since?

Foxy_Vista cum finish your work