David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless self-servicer, "

There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert
- Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. They have
been there for one week when they finally come across
a dead camel. The Man United players say 'As we're
ManCHESTer United, we'll have the chest.' The Liverpool
players say 'As we're LIVERpool, we'll have the liver.'
'We're not hungry,' say the Arsenal players.

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

It's hard to find quality field-goal kickers for the Islamic Football League, because league rules allow for kickers who miss from inside 30 yards to have their feet amputated.