Pls, I need honest opinions on this script...read and tell me what you think. I am writing it for a festival.
Thanks.

okay..i've read but i don't even know where to start...

wait oo... guy u be americana.?!! This one wey i dey see Ian, Stanley, Dora...No 'bushnames' na...

prof800: okay..i've read but i don't even know where to start...

wait oo... guy be americana.?!! This one wey i dey see Ian, Stanley, Dora...No 'bushnames' na...

I am half cast...and I am writing it for an american short play festival, bro.

prof800: is the script okay?

^^^^^
Yes, the script is okay as a 'STAGEPLAY'.
Did you use finaldraft to write this.?

OK.
Along the line, I saw something like "an awkward pause". I think you might want to change that. (depends on you tho). 'awkward pause, awkward silence, awkward moment' are all being 'overused' so Playwrights usually try to avoid them. Just like Screenwriters avoid 'a wry smile', 'wryly' etc. You want to make your work unique.

TWO.
In the 'last fight', three Policemen entered the stage, but only one of them was 'functionally visible'. This may not be noticed in the script but when it comes on stage, one can notice a 'floppy acting' caused by passivity of the other characters. So you might want to do something about the other two Policemen.

THREE.
You might want to change the character name, INSPECTOR #1 to INSPECTOR ANTHONY.
He is the only inspector speaking. He is NOT a 'waka-pass' but an active character. Moreso, characters like to be given definitive names rather than #1, #2 etc.


You'll hear the rest from our big big Ogas here.

I wish you goodluck in the competition.

thanks, bro

I used final draft to write it.

@ mufex...

I just opened this... not read it yet but checked how long it is and saw 'Curtain falls' at the end... so I checked page 1...

Is this a stage play? If so the formatting is wrong... they are not written in screenplay format... and if it is a screenplay the readers will most probably not go past the 1st paragraph once they read the first sentence - "MRS. DORA LARRY enters the stage. No one 'enters the stage' in a screenplay.

Since you have said it is a 'play' do use the right format for stage writing or you will probably face the same 'bin it immediately ' treatment from the readers for using a screenplay format.

Remeber in competitions/festivals they have hundreds if not thousands of others to read. You're asking for it to be put in the trash immediately. Don't give them an instant reason to drop yours for wrong formatting... they won't know it could be a brilliant story.

So have to make your mind up what this actually is and use the right format and terminology.

Also from something Prof said; 'wry smile' won't cut it in a stage play - people seated at the back of the theatre will never see it. In a screenplay it's ok to use as the lens is the eye that will definitely pick up on such small details.

I could be wrong about the format (no idea if it's changed in the last few years) as I don't write stage plays but I'm pretty certain almost everything goes on the right handside of the page; not all the way across as a screenplay.

I'll read it when I get back home and comment; not that I'm into stage plays.

And since you use Final Draft... select the right format when writing anything.

VillageBoi: @ mufex...

I just opened this... not read it yet but checked how long it is and saw 'Curtain falls' at the end... so I checked page 1...

Is this a stage play? If so the formatting is wrong... they are not written in screenplay format... and if it is a screenplay the readers will most probably not go past the 1st paragraph once they read the first sentence - "MRS. DORA LARRY enters the stage. No one 'enters the stage' in a screenplay.

Since you have said it is a 'play' do use the right format for stage writing or you will probably face the same 'bin it immediately ' treatment from the readers for using a screenplay format.

Remeber in competitions/festivals they have hundreds if not thousands of others to read. You're asking for it to be put in the trash immediately. Don't give them an instant reason to drop yours for wrong formatting... they won't know it could be a brilliant story.

So have to make your mind up what this actually is and use the right format and terminology.

Also from something Prof said; 'wry smile' won't cut it in a stage play - people seated at the back of the theatre will never see it. In a screenplay it's ok to use as the lens is the eye that will definitely pick up on such small details.

I could be wrong about the format (no idea if it's changed in the last few years) as I don't write stage plays but I'm pretty certain almost everything goes on the right handside of the page; not all the way across as a screenplay.

I'll read it when I get back home and comment; not that I'm into stage plays.

And since you use Final Draft... select the right format when writing anything.

Thanks a lot, village boy. I will go through the guidelines again and i will be very glad to see your opinion on the script.

@OP....VillageBoi and Prof have said the most basic but important things. Nevertheless, I would read and give you a feedback later.

Btw, I am a fellow up-and-coming script writer lyk you bro. I had been writing since primary school dayz..in drama-like form but my dream had always been for it to be made into movies...not published as dramatic novels. I later got to know about movie scripts and screenplay and how it differs from writing stage drama. I am still getting to know sha oh. But these ppl here on NL (VillageBoi, prof, speedyboi, anonimus et al.) have been of great help. I'm sure you wud benefit from them...especially if u re for movies, not stage. Nevertheless, find your niche.

I have gone through the first 5 pages and I liked the dialogue. I had issues with:

*When Stanley was speaking with someone on phone...it was written like a one-sided conversation and not even a pause that could depict him 'listening to the other person'. Pls, rectify that.

*I also found Stanley and his wife (Dora) to be unnecessarily covering a wide range of topics in their dialogue. I don't know if that's how dialogue ensues in your place (since you said the script is an American stuff which I assume you stay overseas) but I just didn't enjoy them shifting the topic of discussion without going kinda deep, from the client/defendant saga to seeing Doctor Martin (fertility doctor) to what the newspaper says about a man killing a python etc. Though, I may be wrong sha and btw, the change of topic of discussion is no biggie IMO for stage dramas.

You can always do better.

Thanks, sholay 2011. Thanks for your suggestions.

Ok I'm reading the play and and writing this response at the same time lol. Not that much to say. I do actually love the fact that they are changing topic every page or two - that does work on a stage especially with very few characters.

A few observations - This is not in any order, I'll try to write page numbers -

Do be careful to double check what you write especially when submitting to a festival - Your character 'Stanley' (page 2) seems eloquent enought to not make the mistake of saying "The one who lost one of his EYE to a goat" - That should be 'eyes' with an 's' - plural! There are more instances of such that you should change.
Also on page 2 - is there a reason she offered coffee when he hadn't slept all night - normally coffee is for staying awake; but in this case she wants him to rest. (minor observation).

Page 5 - Don't waste time with certain things - Dora can just say to Ian "Of course" and nothing more as she already knows that Ian knows where the washroom is, however, his line is ok as he's telling the audience where it is.
Also no need for Ian to greet Dora like a million times. He did it at the door and that is that.

Ok I got to page 8 and found out the characters are not Nigerian - they speak as Nigerians speak - They do not speak like caucasians or even Jewish people. (but before that pgs 6-7 didn't have a flow; I had to ping-pong read it)

Pg 10 Dora responds "... That's queer" to what Ian said about his experience in Iraq - a very odd response from her. Though I know you were trying to link it to what comes next. That's an 'I've-tried-too-hard' glaring link; it doesn't work, you don't even have to link it. She could just exclaim "Oh!"

Oh man; 9pm and I've just got a call to pop out as I'm writing this...

I will return to this jumbled up post in about an hour.

CONTINUATION

Not much more to say, I've read the rest of it.

Just get it proof read to get the few things mentioned corrected. I really liked the introduction of the baby into the play. The 'Police' bit was a bit 'meh'.
Another observation is at various times the characters are saying things each other that they already know but as if they don't. Similar to the 'the loo is on the left' thing. Unless it's conveying ionformation that the audience has to know then let the dialogue be tighter.

The dialogue is good in some parts and ok in others; I think you can work on it to make it even better. Oh on pg 5 (about 2/3rds down the page)- A place where Ian (pauses); the parenthesis is on the same line as the dialogue.

Too tired now and brain dead, can't think straight anymore... I'm off to bed.

Not bad at all; good luck with it.

All in all, I think it's a pretty good short play.

thanks, bro. I am so grateful.....but i am still hopin and waiting for ur full opinion, before i start the second draft.

Prof, Sholay, Village boy....I am so grateful. I really liked your suggestions. You guys were so critical and your suggestions were all on point. Thanks a lot.