Logicboy03: So, I decided to go for a confession because of some douchebag client that has taken a liking to my business acumen and my "church going"!

For those that do not know me
- I am an atheist who doesnt believe in God and hates going to church.
- I am an ex-catholic who still goes to church because of one of my biggest clients.

For the non-catholics
- A confession is what catholics do so that they can be in a "state of grace" for Holy Communion.
- You confess your sins to a reverend father who then "absolves" you of your sins while you say the "act of contrition"
- The absolution is not complete unless you carry out the penance(prayers + actions of repentance eg- saying sorry to those whom you have wronged) that the reverend father gives you at the end of the confession.



So, back to my story....

So, I went along with my business client to the church for our confessions. During the walk to the church premises, I made up my mind to tell bogus sins. The reason is that I find confession very silly- telling a total stranger all your deep secrets. So, I made up my mind to tell the most obnoxious sins possible to the reverend father. If I was going through the pain of a confession, why not suffer with fun and trolling?

Seated on the queue for the confession inside the church building, I couldnt help but notice the huge crucifix (crucifix is a statue of Jesus on the cross) on the wall. It was a freaking white Jesus with tears of blood from his eyes and a battered body. Then something magical happened- Jesus on the crucifix looked as if he was trying to talk to me- it was as if he was saying "Logicboy, Logicboy, why are you persecuting me with your sins?" , and then, I replied "F4CK you, white Jesus, you Jewish douchebag! You cant make me feel guilty for being human!". I shook off my powerful imagination as it was my turn to enter the confession booth.

The reverend father was an old man in his forties. I smiled and proceeded to start the confession....

Logicboy; Good evening, father.

Reverend; Good evening, young man.

Logicboy; Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Reverend; How long was your last confession?

Logicboy; almost 4 years, father

*Reverend father gives me a stare depicting surprise and disappoinment*

Reverend; Carry on...

Logicboy; After moving to the UK, I lost my faith, I started doing evil things...I joined a wizards group, I had all kinds of sex. I urinated in the wine for holy communion. I even became an atheist!

*Reverend father lets out a gasp*

Reverend; Mother of God...you're such a young man! Carry on!

Logicboy; I even had a party with two nuns. You see, I was working for a catholic church that was dying in a small town outside london and I was bringing the black/asian youth to church. This made me money and gave me some power in the church. I was the youth director.

Reverend; I see

Logicboy; I had constant sex with these nuns and they are still nuns today. I even orchestrated the meeting of a reverend father with his ex-gay lover. I had sex with many of the young girls as the youth director. I even hosted marijuana parties! Father, I am hardcore sinner.

Reverend; Young man, God forgives. There is salvation for all.......

Logicboy; wait, there is more to confess....

Reverend; (*shocked with mouth dropping*) there is more?

Logicboy; Remember that I said that I became an atheist? I stopped believing in God and started taking sacrilegious actions; I smoked weed with the bible, had sex in church and destroyed church property for fun. I even put some pills in the reverend father's coffee before he celebrated a mass. He was preaching nonsense to the congregation during the mass because he was high on the pills.


*Reverend father is sweating* Reverend father takes a swift look at the tea cup and then, back to my face*

Logicboy; during all these years of sinning, the worst sin was the one where I put porn on the large screen at the pulpit in the church. The congregation watched in shock as the reverend father fumbled to switch it off.

Reverend; excuse me while I drink a glass of water!

Logicboy; please do

*Reverend drinks water and wipes sweat from his face*

Reverend; ehem, young man, see what happens when you leave christ? However, I am happy that you are now desperate to live a good life. Please, abstinence is the answer. The church too is the body of christ. Do not engage in abusing the church. I am old enough to be your father. I wouldnt like such a life for my son. please repent and ask for forgiveness from the church you almost destroyed. Also, you can find may ways to solve your drug problem. Please say the act of contrition

*Reverend father prays a little while I say the act of contrition*


Reverend father; Say five decades of the rosary, fifteen "our fathers" and ten "hail marys"!

Logicboy; Thank you, father.


*Reverend father gets up and announces to the remaining people on the queue that there will be no more confessions because he is feeling ill due to his heart condition*

Alfa Seltzer: When has a forty something year old become an old man?

Logicboy03:



Dont tell me you're in your forties

plaetton:

Do you have anything against people in their 40s?

tobechi74: Is this imagenary story or true life........?


If the priest were me, would have giving you a slap , for penance, do a frog jump for 3hrs .....carry a big stone ,about 4okg round the church ten times and say 10o decade of the rosary

wiegraf: Tsk, tsk. That's bad. What would abdulsleek do in such a situation?

musKeeto: Seems the Catholic Church is a bit more lenient than its Pentecostal Counterpart. I wonder -- I hope someone here is willing to try this -- what would happen if someone .... MFM.... maybe.... die by fire.... lynched...

Smartie gurl: So your confession was not real? You only went to mock God?

Logicboy03:

Nothing special....mocking your belief in God is a piece of cake

Logicboy03: The catholic church has too much money and a solid foundation to care about such trolling.

Pentecostals are just new churches (like criminals who have just gotten money) and are excessively paranoid.


I remember a repoter being beaten and detained at mountain of fire camp and another at Christ embassy

CrazyMan:
You were lucky you didn't go for your confession in any of the garment churches...they would have beaten you to a pulp.

"Somebody bring the holy cane and the holy plank" let's flog those stubborn demons out of life of this promising young man.

And by the time they're through, with your mouth you would acknowledge that jesus is lord, with your heart you would accept him, with your lips you would testify of his greatness.

The demons that held you captive would set you free after severe beatings cos satan sef de fear cane.

CrazyMan:
You were lucky you didn't go for your confession in any of the garment churches...they would have beaten you to a pulp.

"Somebody bring the holy cane and the holy plank" let's flog those stubborn demons out of life of this promising young man.

And by the time they're through, with your mouth you would acknowledge that jesus is lord, with your heart you would accept him, with your lips you would testify of his greatness.

The demons that held you captive would set you free after severe beatings cos satan sef de fear cane.

CrazyMan:
You were lucky you didn't go for your confession in any of the garment churches...they would have beaten you to a pulp.

"Somebody bring the holy cane and the holy plank" let's flog those stubborn demons out of life of this promising young man.

And by the time they're through, with your mouth you would acknowledge that jesus is lord, with your heart you would accept him, with your lips you would testify of his greatness.

The demons that held you captive would set you free after severe beatings cos satan sef de fear cane.

Odunharry:

moni eleyi gidi gan=i say ds 1 is strong...

*tells Crazyman,Bring d holy cane*

Sal C: Holy cane can't do this . There is need for the holy plank.

Uyi Iredia: Of course, the OP's account is fictitious. Now he says he goes to church because of a client, if I recall rightly, he said earlier his parents force him to attend church. Which account should I believe ?

Uyi Iredia: Of course, the OP's account is fictitious. Now he says he goes to church because of a client, if I recall rightly, he said earlier his parents force him to attend church. Which account should I believe ?

Ubenedictus: lb i hope this is just a really funny story, i know you don't believe in God or any deity but you should respect the belief of others.
If this is real then its not really good, apart for making mockery of other peoples beliefs you scared an old man.

Logicboy03:



Nothing. It is just that it would surprise me if Alfa was in his forties.


I am in my twenties and so, someone in hisforties is old to me. Just a matter of perception. Some even say that life begins at forty