A lady was walking pass a store where Akpos was working when Akpos said,
''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the store again and Akpos once more said,
"Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the
store and get Akpos arrested.

The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure Akpos didn't
say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test Akpos.
"Hey, lady!" Akpos said.
"Yes?"She replied
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YOU KNOW, SAME OLD STORY".

A Pakistani boy was admitted in an American school.

Teacher: What's your name?

Boy: Azeez.

Teacher: No, you're in America. From today, your name is Johnny.

Boy went home.

Mom: How was your day, Azeez?

Boy: Mama, i'm an American, call me Johnny.

Mom and Dad got offended and beats him up.

The next day he is back to school-bruised.

Teacher: What happened Johnny?

Boy: Just 4 hours after i became an American, i was attacked by 2 Pakistanis.

THIS IS STOCK MARKET AND 419.
There was a time in my village, a man
appeared and announced to the villagers
that he would buy
monkeys for N5,000.
The villagers seeing that there
were many monkeys around, went out to
the
forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at N5,000 and
as
supply started to diminish, the villagers
stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now
buy at N8,000.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and
they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further
and
people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to N20,000 and the
supply of monkeys became so little that it
was an effort to even see a
monkey, let alone catch it!.
The man then announced that he would
buy
monkeys at N100,000!.
However, since he had to go to the city on
some business, his assistant would now
buy
on
behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the
assistant told the villagers;
Look at all these monkeys in
the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at N75,000 and when
the man returns from the city, you can sell it
to him for N100,000."
The villagers squeezed up with all their
savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his
assistant, only monkeys
everywhere!.
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!.

I walked into a bank and saw Akpos causing comotion in the bank.

I asked; What is his problem?.

He replied; I came here trying to see the Manager but this bitches won't let me.

Alas! The Manager walks in and said; Here i am, what can i do for you?.

Akpos said; Ok, due to the insecurity, armed robbery and kidnapping in this country, i am
here to deposit myself in the bank so that i will be safe.

Akpos got admitted into my village school,
Atanatene
Grammar School. The best school in my
village.
It was his first day in the school and an
inspector of Education came visiting.
The CRS teacher was in class telling us the
story of DANIEL
IN THE LION'S DEN when he sighted the
principal and the inspector heading
towards
the class.
The old and forgetful CRS teacher wrote
GENESIS as the topic on the board without
thinking.
Class: Good mooooooorning sir,
we are happy to see you sir.
Inspector: Good morning class, i can see
your teacher is telling
you what happened in the book of
genesis?.
Class: Yeeeeeeeees sir!.
Inspector (pointing to Akpos): Ok,
you there, who killed Abel?.
Akpos: Sir i don't know, i have been in the
class since 8am, ask my friend Ofego, i
didn't
kill Abel sir.
Inspector (angry): I said who killed Abel?
Akpos: I am a christian, i don't kill. I don't
even know this Abel you are talking about,
is he in our class?.
Inspector (Turning to the Teacher): Ok
Teacher can you
tell the class who killed Abel?
Teacher (Knees down and open his hands
wide): My son, How can you expect me to
kill, what example will i be showing to my
students if i kill a person?.
Inspector (disappointed and turns to the
principal): Ok class the principal will help to
tell us who killed Abel. Mr principal, who
killed Abel?.
Principal: When you came to my office,
didn't you see me there?.
Inspector: Yes, i did!.
Principal: Did you see blood stains in my
hands?.
Inspector: No!.
Principal: How could i have killed Abel?
Where is the proof that i
did?.
The whole class clapped for the principal.

A fat man saw an advertisement,

"Lose 5kg In A Week."

He called and said, "I would like to join!"

Lady: Ok! Be ready tomorrow at 6
am.

Next morning, he gets to the office and was taken to a room.

He opens the door and finds a hot babe in only a shirt and underpants. She said,
"if u catch me u can sleep with me!"

The girl starts running.

The man starts running after her but couldn't catch her.

During the whole week, he
tried to catch her but couldn't and lost 5kg.

He then ask for the 10kg program.

Next morning at 6am, he opens the door and finds a hotter
babe in a bikini who said,
"if you catch me, you sleep will with me."

He lost 10kg that week.

So, he thought this programme is awesome.

He then requested a 25kg program.

The lady said, "Are you sure? It's really tough!! "Why not!"..Said d man.

The next day at 6am, he opens the
door expecting to see a naked girl but finds a Naked MAD MAN
who said;
"If I Catch U, I Will Sleep With You!!!!"

That week, the man lost 40 kg.

Husband sent a text to his wife at night, “Hi I will get back home late, please try and wash all my
dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite food before i return.”

But there is no reply…..

He then sent another text,
“And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”

This time,
She text back, “Oh My God, really?”

Husband replied, :
“No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

There was a guy who was so tired of reading his girlfriend's message because they are always I love you, I miss you or have you eaten?

One night while lying on the bed, he received a text message from her.

He didn't read it, instead he ignored it and slept off.

In the morning, he got a call from his girlfriend's mom. She was crying while telling him that his girlfriend was killed that night she sent the text to him.

He remembered the message and
he read it... "Honey please come and help me, Someone is following me, I'm close to your
street...please "

MORAL : Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realise you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

One Sunday morning, my Pastor came and announced to the congregation:
"Praise the Lord church.
Today I have good news and bad news.
The good news is we have enough money to build a new church."
The congregation cheered, applauded and broke into a worship song.
After everybody had calmed down, my Pastor continued:
"The bad news however, is that
the money is still in your pockets."

There was deafening silence.

Akpos' next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Akpos' family to come over and see their new baby. Akpos' parents were very afraid their son would have a silly words to say about the baby. So, Akpos' dad had a long talk with Akpos before going to the neighbours house. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to beat you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Akpos. At the neighbour's house, Akpos leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at his mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Akpos' comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Akpos." Akpos then continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see clearly?" The mother who was a bit surprised, replied; "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has a good vision, why do you ask?" Akpos said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause i'm very sure he can't wear glasses.

A Jamaican man was making love to his wife for the 1st time.

He screamed out suddenly; ''Ye man, Jah bless!'' And ran out of the room.

He came back with a giant bucket of water and poured it on his
wife's pussy.

His frightened wife shouted; ''Watta gwan, rasta man, what u do that for?.''

The man replied; Bomboclat
woman, this thing too sweet, me gwan dilute it, remember me diabetic and sweet thing no
good for me rasta man.

One day, Akpos complained to me;
"Ofego, my elbow really hurts. I guess i
should see a doctor."
I told him; "Don't do that. There's a
computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper
than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the
computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you will do about
it.
It will only cost you N5,000.
Akpos figured he had nothing to
lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the
sample and deposited N5,000.
The computer started making some noises
and various lights
started flashing.
After a brief pause, it popped
out a small slip of paper
which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm
water, avoid heavy
labour. It will be better in
two weeks.
That evening while thinking how
amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical
science forever, he began to wonder if this
could be fooled. He
decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction, went back
to the drug store,
located the computer,
poured in the sample
and deposited N5,000.
The machine again made the usual noises,
flashed lights, and
printed out the following
analysis:
Your tap water is too
hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-
fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using
cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . .
twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
your elbow will never get better.

"Daddy," said Akpos, "I'd like to
get married."

"Sure, son." said his father.
"Anyone special in mind?"

"Yes," answered Akpos. "Grandma. She’s nice"

"Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd
let you marry my mother, do you!!"

"Why not?" Akpos asked. "Did'nt You married mine?."

my friend is confused pls help...
Many years ago when he was 23,he was married to a widow who was prety as could be,this widow had a grown up daughter and his father fell i luv wit her nd soon they also got married..........
...................................:...........................
This made his dad his son-inlaw and his daughter became his mother cos she became his father's wife
..............................................................
He Soon had a son,the little baby became brother in-law to his dad cos his dad was married to its elder sister,,nd that made his baby his uncle nd it made him very sad..
....................................................
His father's wife then had a baby boy,the baby became his grand child cos it was his daughter's child,his wife became his step mother's mother,which made her his grand mother............
................................................
If his wife is his grand mother,then he is her grand child,,..bt he is married to his grand mother that means he is his own grand pa..........now a thought of this drives him wild,what can he do

A Chinese man took a prostitute
to his home and they started having sex.

Once he was done, he jumped out of the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath then went under the bed and came out through the other side and started having sex with the girl again.

When he finished the 2nd
time, he jumped off the
bed went to the window, took a deep breath, went under the
bed and came out from the other side then started having sex
again.

He did these until the 8th time.

The girl was really impressed by
his stamina.

After the 10ths round she decided to try it for herself.

So she jumped off the bed, went
to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and
saw 10 more chinese men naked.

A man was sentenced 5 years in jail.

After the jail term he went home and pleaded with the village
head to call all villagers as he had
something to say to them.

The village head did likewise and the villagers gathered at an open space.

The ex-convict then stood up with an axe in his hand and
said; As you all know that l was in jail for 5 years, during my absence there is a man who took advantage of this situation and had a love affair with my wife. I have decided to go back to jail
after l have killed this man" He said these words as he approached the crowd.

Seven men stood up and started to run away.

The man fainted upon
seeing that among those running away was his father, younger brother, his two friends and the
village head.

Akpos: I'm Hungary,

Ofego: Why don't you Czech the
fridge.

Akpos: Ok Ofego, i'm Russian to the kitchen.

Ofego: Hmmm! Maybe you'll find
some Turkey.

Akpos: Yeah! but it's all
covered in Greece. yuck!.

Ofego: There is Norway you can
eat that.

Akpos: I know, I guess i'll just have a can of Chile.

Ofego: Denmark your name on
the can.

Akpos: Kenya do it for me?.

Ofego: Ok, I'm Ghana do it.

Akpos: Thanks Ofego! I'm so tired Iran for an hour today.

Ofego: It Tokyo long enough.

Akpos: Yes Ofego, Israelly hard sometimes.

A married couple at a Zoo, walks pass a
gorilla enclosure.
Wife: Honey, do u know that gorillas are d
only animals which resemble men in their
behaviour? Look, seeing dat no one is
looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it &
see how Hot it gets just like
men do.'
Wife then exposes one of her breasts, and,
sure enough
the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars
of the enclosure as if it wanted to break
free.
'You See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know
why you react the
way you do; men can't control their animal
instincts just
like gorillas can't, Men and gorillas are d
same."
Husband says: 'Now expose both breasts
and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the
gorilla and it gets very excited and is now
desperately
trying to escape from the enclosure.
Husband says: 'This is incredible,
now, pull your skirt up, turn around and
expose your
bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around
with her bum to the gorilla, which by now,
was extremely aroused, breaks free from
the enclosure,
grabs the woman and starts yanking the
clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Honey, what do i do
now? Please, help me!'
Husband replies: 'Now, tell him you are on
ur period, u have a
headache and u are not in the mood'. Let us
see if Gorillas and
Men are really the same.

WHY PARENTS SHOULD NOT TEXT.

Mom: Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?

Son: I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.

Mom: It's ok, don't worry about it...I'll ask your Sister, Love you too.

*****

Dad: Son, I have a Facebook account now...accept my friend request.

Son: You're on Facebook now?
WTF!!!

Dad: What does WTF mean?

Son: Ohhh...It means, Welcome To Facebook, Dad.

*****

Mom: Son, your grandmother passed away an hour ago. LOL

Son: How is that funny, mom?

Mom: What do you mean, Peter...surely it is not funny!

Son: Mom, LOL means: Laugh Out Loud!

Mom: Oh, No! I thought it meant: Lots Of Love. I'll have to call everyone back and explain!

Akpos picked up a blackberry Z10 in a taxi.

He checked through the contacts and found "MY number 2" then he called it and luckily the owner answered "Wow! Thank God! Where did you pick the phone"

Akpos quickly interrupted "not so fast lady, please give me your address." "You want to bring
the phone? Wow that's so nice of you. If only this country was full of good people like you..."

Akpos interrupted "What nonsense are you saying? I
want to come and collect the charger!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom."Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dickson,
let's go."

Sitting outside his house after a
divorce notice, a man had a crate
of beer bottles.

He took an empty bottle, smashed it on to a wall and said; ''You're the reason I don't have a wife''.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, you're
the reason I don't have children.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, you're
the reason I don't have a job.

Noticing the 4th bottle was still
full of beer he said; ''Stand aside my friend, you were not involved.

Teacher: "Kids tell me what your parents do for a living"
.
Ochuko: "My mom is a teacher and my dad is a mechanic".
.
Teacher:"Good"
.
Jennifer:"my mom is unemployed and my dad is a teacher"
.
Teacher:"good"
.
Akpos:"my mom is a prostitute and i don't know my dad"
.
Teacher:"Get out of my class and go to principal's office, and tell him what you just told me"
.
10 minutes later Akpos returns smiling and eating an apple
.
Teacher:"Why are you smiling? Did you tell the principal what you told me?"
.
Akpos:"Yes I did"
.
Teacher:"What did he say?"
.
Akpos:"He just gave me an apple and asked me to give him my mom's phone number and address".

A baby was born so advanced he
could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. “Are you my doctor?”
he asked.

“Yes, I am,” said the doctor.

The baby said:
“Thank you for taking such a good
care of me during birth.”

Then, he looked at his mother
and asked, “Are you my mother?”
“Yes, I am,” said the mother.

“Thank you for taking such
good care of me before I was born,” he said.

Then he looked at his father and
asked,
“Are you my father?” “Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come
closer, then poked him on the
forehead with his index finger many times saying,
“I want you to know, THAT HURTS!”

Akpos was driving home late one night.

His car front lights were no longer working so he was driving on the road at the back of a car whose front lights were working perfectly.

All of a sudden the car in front stopped moving.

Akpos waited for close to 10 minutes in his car but the car in front didn't move.

Akpos shouted; Why did you stop, come on, keep driving.

The man in the car shouted back; Should i keep driving in my own garage.

Akpos was on his way to school when he alighted at a bus stop where he was supposed to take a taxi to the school.

AKPOS: How much is the fare to the campus?

DRIVER: Two hundred naira.

AKPOS: What about my load?

DRIVER: I will take no money for that.

AKPOS: Then take my load to the school I can walk.

Akpos attended a church service one Sunday.

He sat beside a very ugly girl.

While the pastor was preaching he said, "Tell the person seated next to you that he or she is beautiful"

Akpos immediately stood up and the pastor said,
"Where are you going?"

Akpos replied, "I'm changing seat, do you want me to lie in the house of God?"

To surprise her husband, a company executive’s wife decided
to stop by her husband's office.

On entering the office, she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband's laps.

In order to defend himself the
husband said: “Budget cut or no budget cut, management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat.

Wife: Darling, give me your phone for a second.

Husband: Wait, let me switch it on.

Delete video.
Delete picture.
Delete music.
Delete private folder
Delete number.
Delete sms.
Delete out going calls.
Delete incoming calls.
Delete mms.
Delete whatsapp.
Delete bbm.
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
FORMAT Memory Card.

Husband: Here you go honey, i have nothing to hide from you.

Wife: I just want to check the time.

Husband: Oh my God!

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his
movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him
a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese ".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same ," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives
Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies,
"It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."