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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Poems For Review / I Said Yes - Please Criticize (1200 Views)
Yes My Friend Emaculate99 / Yes I've Found You! / In Love With A Goddess (Please Criticize this poem ) (2) (3) (4)
I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 8:00pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
I said yes I would wait for you. I stood back and watched you hold him, Turned away when you kissed him, Folded my arms like you folded my love, Stared in pain, Jealousy fed the flame, Wanted to hate him, Cause waiting weighed me down. Your lies were gravity so my feet never left the ground, Couldn’t float on clouds, Though the butterflies in my stomach took me high. It felt like you lifted my love and hung it to die, I watched you touch him and it killed all I had inside, The tears I cried, Brought no closure, The anger I released, Fed on my spirit like a disease. Erosion of the heart, Remnants of disillusion. You said, “It’s me baby I just don’t know how to tell him” So I played the common fool, Threw away the golden rule. I became your tool, Made me disposable, You used me till you were through. I said yes, I would wait for you. Should have listened to your reply, Should have heard in the silence of your smile, You were only planning to stay a while. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by blissfullynaughty: 9:38pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
Why on earth have people started posting poetry in the main literature section when there is clearly a Poem section? |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by tope2000(f): 9:40pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
And the problem is stilll |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by ariblaze(m): 9:46pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
neat, sad it sounds helpless got a title for it yet? JILT comes to mind |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 9:57pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
S E You N: Damn. Calm down cause it's not that serious. I didn't realize I posted there instead of the Poetry section where I posted my other poem. Happy now? ariblaze: I haven't come up with titles yet but Jilt seems pretty simple. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by Nobody: 10:00pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
Shoot boy! That's great. It reads more like the verses of a song though. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by LadyT(f): 10:06pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
Its really good. I cant write nothing like that! Im not 100% sure I understand the line should of HEARD the silence in your smile . Silence to what hun? |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 11:21pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
LadyT: Thanks sweetie. I decided to change it "known that". I hope it reads better now? |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by Nobody: 11:22pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
StephenP: no. the original line was better. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 11:25pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
Ok. Back to heard. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by LadyT(f): 11:50pm On Jun 21, 2008 |
Im just not sure you can hear silence in a smile. What is a silent smile. Please explain. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by Tetchiness(f): 3:53am On Jun 22, 2008 |
Silent smile. . .is "I want to suck your blood" |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by LadyT(f): 8:26am On Jun 22, 2008 |
I see!!! |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by Nobody: 11:10pm On Jun 24, 2008 |
A silent smile is like all other forms of nonverbal communication, in which, according to the poem, the jilted lover failed to read into but rather took for granted. @Stephen I'm not a critique of literary works and I probably don't know the terminologies associated poetry but you do have talent. Put it to good use. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 7:48am On Jun 26, 2008 |
stillwater: Yup. |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by nonso3k(m): 10:45am On Jun 27, 2008 |
cool.kinda like the poem,it makes some sense |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by StephenP(m): 4:38am On Jun 28, 2008 |
nonso3k: Thanks |
Re: I Said Yes - Please Criticize by bluespice(f): 10:13pm On Dec 21, 2008 |
mmmmmmm. . . |
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