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Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! - Romance - Nairaland

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Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 6:50pm On Oct 02, 2013
So, I was part of a debate centered on the aforementioned topic and thought to share it with a wider public.

Some argued that in the days of our fathers (marriages in the early 70s and above) marriage was not on the basis of love but compatibility hence, the almost non existent divorce practice. Our parents married their partners because they were the right team mates; each member of the team understood their roles and thus came together with that understanding.

However, the new generation marry for love and that in itself is too insignificant a reason to choose to spend the rest of your life with another. And, this is why there are higher divorce rates!

Now, I wonder; was/is this really the case? Is love truly not strong enough to sustain a marriage? Is love not about sacrifices and accepting the entirety of another person? Is love not about adding value to another and assisting another to be all they are meant to be? If love is all of these, is it not strong enough to keep the couple together in the storm?

I also wonder, was it really compatibility that kept our parents together? Or was it the fear of the opinions of society? The stigma of divorce? And were they really happy? If they (especially the women) really had a choice, would they remain?

Your thoughts. Which is the most suitable reason for one to get married and which would sustain a marriage?

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 6:59pm On Oct 02, 2013
But then, can there be love without compatibility? I think a lot of people confuse attraction for love! You know attraction is a strong force/feeling. Maybe our parents actually had love! Lol cheesy

Maybe the younger generation truly do not understand love

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Boll2010: 7:04pm On Oct 02, 2013
Marriage is for hating eachother at the long run.......d best is remain single n give birth

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:08pm On Oct 02, 2013
That is you o.

I have to love you first before compatibility comes to place. It is the love I have for you that will make me stick to you even in your obvious flaws. It is the qualities you display that makes you who you are, it is those qualities that makes me decide our level of compatibility. If I don't love you first, I won't even dream of managing your qualities.

I will deem your flaws as manageable because I love you. Loving you has taken into accountability who you are. . . No matter what you decide to display afterwards, the love I have for you will always always help me make excuses for you, and forgive you.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 7:14pm On Oct 02, 2013
Hmmm, deep stuff. So, do you think our parents had love? Was it love that kept them?

Is love gradually becoming extinct? Why the high rate of divorce then?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 7:17pm On Oct 02, 2013
Boll2010: Marriage is for hating eachother at the long run.......d best is remain single n give birth

That is dysfunctional thinking and if you do not discard that line of thought pattern you'd raise dysfunctional kids and the end result is a dysfunctional society!

What happened to you?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:24pm On Oct 02, 2013
spicy v: Hmmm, deep stuff. So, do you think our parents had love? Was it love that kept them?

Is love gradually becoming extinct? Why the high rate of divorce then?
What is love to you?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by onlyme07(m): 7:27pm On Oct 02, 2013
Mama said .... It's all about UNDERSTANDING. 98% of love we see is usually based on something,
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 7:36pm On Oct 02, 2013
sexkillz: What is love to you?



Well, my earlier post captures my definition of love.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 7:38pm On Oct 02, 2013
onlyme07: Mama said .... It's all about UNDERSTANDING. 98% of love we see is usually based on something,
Can you seperate understanding from love? Love seeks to understand. I think.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:38pm On Oct 02, 2013
spicy v:

Well, my earlier post captures my definition of love.
No it doesn't.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Boll2010: 7:50pm On Oct 02, 2013
Notn dy dysfunctional dia........dos wey marry wetin be d outcome.......dia kid no turn dysfunctional?......marriage is for hatin eachoda at lngrun.......its lies,cheat,deception,hatred!selfishness!........jst 4get it been single is d best u gain freedom,,,,,,u choose to live ur life!u cnt be threatened!!!!!!!!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 7:56pm On Oct 02, 2013
sexkillz: No it doesn't.


Lol It does, did you read the part that says love is about sacrifice and ...?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 8:34pm On Oct 02, 2013
spicy v:

Lol It does, did you read the part that says love is about sacrifice and ...?
Then what is sacrifice?

I'd like to think sacrifice is refusing to stubbornly hold to an ideology or stance that isn't life threatening to save your relationship. Compatibility issues will not arise if a couple is able to make sacrifices. Sacrifice, is brought about by love. If you don't love, you can't make sacrifices. If you don't love, you cannot be compatible. There cannot be compatibility if love doesn't exist first. I'd like to think that most divorce cases arise because a couple were not able to make sacrifices, thereby deeming themselves incompatible and then give their reason for divorce as simply - irreconcilable differences.

If there is love, divorce will suffer.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 8:41pm On Oct 02, 2013
I like your perspective on matters of the heart.

Your angle confirms my conclusion that the older generation did not really have a lack of love in their marriages, infact it is the recent generation that have a twisted understanding of what love is.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by addictiv(m): 11:05pm On Oct 02, 2013
i think thats why arranged marriage works better..........your level of expectation on the person is less and you tolerate and accormodate more...........love is a choice believe it or not.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by jmoore(m): 12:24am On Oct 03, 2013
When you are married love becomes a duty.

Compatibility? People will upgrade or downgrade and they won't be compatible anymore

Choose love and it will make you compatible.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by eye4eye: 1:05am On Oct 03, 2013
@op, compartibility and love goes hand in hand.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Djtm(m): 1:25am On Oct 03, 2013
I've thought of this before tho it was about our grandparents. I don't think they married for love. A significant proportion of the marriages were arranged. The women did not necessarily love the Men. But it seems they all knew their roles in Marriage and adapted to it.

I think modernism is the major factor affecting today's marriages. When marriages were forced (throughout the world), there were less divorces. I don't think they were not happy in marriage and I also do not think that they stayed in marriage because of societal influence. You'll notice this by the way old couples relate.

I think people (nowadays) do not know what love is. Love grows. I don't think you'll love someone you are forced (or 'arranged') to marry. But at the end of the day, love grew between this people in marriage. Love is misunderstood and Yes! people mistake love for attraction.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 6:57am On Oct 03, 2013
Good debate. I will be back for spice up this topic.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:16am On Oct 03, 2013
Love is when you watch your back at all times. It is when u understand that not all that gliters is gold. It is when you don't get surprised when your partner deals you a wrong card, but prepared to counter her moves. It is when u understand that official businesses and documents are kept away from spouses. Love is when you know your level and limits, and stick to that range.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:35am On Oct 03, 2013
compatibility should play a major role.to be honest dis marriage ish scares me witless but i guess its a necessary evil. i mean i love my privacy(a lil too much)nd d idea of sharing it with some other person is downright frightenin. love(whatever dat means)is d weakest basis 4 marriage.divorce rate is high cos ppl kip 4getin dat a boyfriend/girlfriend is very different 4rm a husband/wife.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Gabrielsylar(m): 8:22am On Oct 03, 2013
...don't just marry who u love but who u can live with.... that u LOVE an aircraft doesn't mean u can OPERATE it...love is just chemical reactions...compatibility is reality...love does not produce compatibility but compatibility will produce a bonding that natural words cannot fathom...let's stop deceiving ourselfs putting the cart before the horse...loving someone does not mean u can live together...dis is why we have 5ex to MAKE love...we gorra MAKE it cos it isint there before...lol

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by sarutobie(m): 8:38am On Oct 03, 2013
Gabriel_sylar: ...don't just marry whom u love but whom u can live with....he said that u LOVE and aircraft doesn't mean u can OPERATE it...love is just chemical reactions...compatibility is reality...love does not produce compatibility but compatibility will produce a bonding that natural words cannot fathom...let's stop deceiving ourselfs putting the cart before the horse...loving someone does not mean u can live together...
I endorse this post..compatibility and friendship in reality is the foundation of any long lasting relationship.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by fluxbush(f): 8:40am On Oct 03, 2013
A friend of mine was deeply in love with another mutual friend of ours. When I say love,I mean the type seen in Indian movies(the kind we call mumu love over here in Nigeria). He loved her so much that he tolerated all her excesses,and trust me,there were many. She was never considerate,caring,respectful etc. She went as far as insulting his homies when they came visiting. Still,he stuck with her. As the years went by,he became unhappy and depressed and it even affected his psyche. To save himself,he had to call it quits with her,and she didn't bat an eyelid when he broke it off. Back to the question, there was love but the two just weren't compatible.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by sarutobie(m): 8:50am On Oct 03, 2013
^this is what we are saying..
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 8:51am On Oct 03, 2013
tpacalipse: Love is when you watch your back at all times. It is when u understand that not all that gliters is gold. It is when you don't get surprised when your partner deals you a wrong card, but prepared to counter her moves. It is when u understand that official businesses and documents are kept away from spouses. Love is when you know your level and limits, and stick to that range.

Seems more like bondage to me. Love is trust, it is devoid of suspicion and free of revenge because it really does forgive. Love is deep mehn, that's why it's rare.

2s£xy:
Good debate. I will be back for spice up this topic.

Hey ya, good to see ya.

@Djtm: really cool insight.
Love surely grows.

eye4eye: @op, compartibility and love goes hand in hand.

I share same thoughts with you on this.
addictiv: i think thats why arranged marriage works better..........your level of expectation on the person is less and you tolerate and accormodate more...........love is a choice believe it or not.

I agree with you, we choose to love. But then, arranged marriages haven't ceased to take place. Modernisation calls it "blind date", and the divorce rates are still climbing. So, arranged marriages wouldn't even work better in these times because we will blame the failure of the marriage on the fact that it was arranged.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 9:04am On Oct 03, 2013
Like I always emphasize,I just need 30% love to marry my man.the remaining percent goes to compatibility.Besides am the kind that gradually falls in love with a man after knowing him for a long time,so at this point,a man's character is what I seek for before having any feelings for him at all.I don't love stupid men.


Spicy v,you are totally correct.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 9:04am On Oct 03, 2013
fluxbush: A friend of mine was deeply in love with another mutual friend of ours. When I say love,I mean the type seen in Indian movies(the kind we call mumu love over here in Nigeria). He loved her so much that he tolerated all her excesses,and trust me,there were many. She was never considerate,caring,respectful etc. She went as far as insulting his homies when they came visiting. Still,he stuck with her. As the years went by,he became unhappy and depressed and it even affected his psyche. To save himself,he had to call it quits with her,and she didn't bat an eyelid when he broke it off. Back to the question, there was love but the two just weren't compatible.

Have you considered the angle that it really wasn't a lack of compatibility that kept them apart? Yes there was love but not from both ends! I mean, in a realationship, both parties MUST feel love towards each other and practise it to keep the fire burning. In your friends case, only one party managed that responsibility.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by fluxbush(f): 9:09am On Oct 03, 2013
Another couple I know were mutually in love. They did everything and went everywhere together. They were never ashamed to profess their love to anyone. She was perfect for him in everything except her temperament. She brought out the demons in him. They played out the script in Eminem's 'I love the way you lie'. Always fighting and making up thereafter. He put up with her for a long time until the day she burnt all his certificates. They were in love but definitely not compatible.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 9:15am On Oct 03, 2013
lynpetra: Like I always emphasize,I just need 30% love to marry my man.the remaining percent goes to compatibility.Besides am the kind that gradually falls in love with a man after knowing him for a long time,so at this point,a man's character is what I seek for before having any feelings for him at all.I don't love stupid men.


Spicy v,you are totally correct.

cheesy cheesy cheesy at you don't love silly men. Character is key oh. Have you noticed how someone who was initially physically attractive loses that attraction once you detect an appaling defect in their character?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 9:24am On Oct 03, 2013
spicy v:

cheesy cheesy cheesy at you don't love silly men. Character is key oh. Have you noticed how someone who was initially physically attractive loses that attraction once you detect an appaling defect in their character?


Thank you!That's one thing about love issue that I doubt.Because I have actually liked some persons and then,I wake up one morning and begins to feel disgusted!just like I keep reminding my dates,there is a tiny string between love and hate,I switch very easily.At that point,our compatibility is questioned.

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