Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not
decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored
stationery and they dot the "i" with
circles or hearts. Women use
ridiculously large loops in the "b" and
"g". It is a pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she will put a smiley face at the end of
the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things
she needs, then goes out to the store
and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.
Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time
a man reaches the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going
to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a
woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a
poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-
up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you
know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total floozy. But I want you to know that
there's always a chance for us." This is
known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men
have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to
help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of
pre-intimacy.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of
pre-intimacy. Men consider driving back to
her place part of the pre-intimacy.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than
men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is
why high school romances rarely work
out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature
pictures of naked women. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked
woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also
feature pictures of naked women. This
is because the female body is a beautiful
work of art, while the male body is
lumpy and hairy and should not be seen
by the light of day. Most naked men
elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his
bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man cannot identify most of these
items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a
woman will put on a wool suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her
dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will
put on her dress shoes. Five minutes
later, she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of
shoes all day. Let's not talk about how
many days he'll wear the same socks.