Efemena_xy: [Word Count: 1000]

As parents, it’s all too easy to conjure up frightful images of vulnerable teens engaging in wanton sexcapades resulting in teenage pregnancies, involvement in recreational drugs from unbearable peer pressure, or worse still, unchecked cyber bullying resulting in suicides - when the dreaded phrase teenage relationships is mentioned – but should the negatives / downsides of teenage relationships or rather, our fear of the unknown limit or prejudice our understanding of teenage relationships? What about the less spoken, less acknowledged upsides of teenage relationships?

Right from conception, even before our children make their entrance into this world, as parents, we tend to be very protective of our offspring and if left to us, no harm will ever come their way. Admirable desires, no doubt, but how realistic are these? It’s easy to molly-cuddle our children but there comes a time in life when these same children of ours seek independence (and rightly so), wanting nothing more, than to be free to make their own judgements and decisions, and these mostly occur during their teenage years.

Teenagers at this point are no longer children, but not quite adults yet. There are at the go-between stage and in order to help them make that smooth transition from teens to adulthood, they need as much input and involvement from their parents (adults) as much as possible – and part of becoming grown-up, is learning how to handle real-life relationships.

Identity formation: Understandably, the teen years are a time of identity development and assertion, and dating can be an integral part of developing a healthy sense of self. Prior to the teenage years, most kids or pre-teens don't quite know how to date. However, through practice, they learn the give-and-take of relationships and test out various ways of relating to others. By the time they reach their teenage years, they would have understood the basics and should be much more grounded.

Improvement of social skills: As teens become more experienced and mature, they can reap many benefits from becoming involved in relationships and whilst doing this, they learn about different habits of the opposite sex, practice their communication and social skills, and become involved in new interests and hobbies.

As can be seen, through parental involvement, teenagers learn not only, how to develop but also, reap the effect of healthy relationships – but how can parents ensure this if not through active involvement and support? Listed below are a few (but not exhaustive) ways in which parents can help support their teenagers develop healthy relationships:

• By the time a child reaches the preteen years parents should have had the basic sex talk, and as kids get older it should be an ongoing rather than a one-time conversation. Children hear different things about sex from their friends and the media, so make sure they know the facts.

• Conversations should not be solely about the mechanics of sex, but should also include feelings. Teens need to be aware that relationships should be based on the trust, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy that develop over time. Parents need to be clear about their values and what they expect from their children.

• One of the most powerful teaching tools parents have to convey their values to their children is their own relationship. Children will learn to be tender, compassionate and respectful of their partners when they see their parents model these behaviors.

• Be alert to signs of an abusive relationship such as controlling behavior, belittling or verbally putting down a person, isolating her from friends, having a short temper, showing jealousy or possessiveness, pushing or slapping.

• As it becomes harder to shield kids completely from online Indecency, parents may want to address this, emphasizing that just as movies and TV aren't the same as real life, these depictions of sex are not realistic and can promote unhealthy attitudes.

• Parents should be available and supportive so their children are not driven to rely solely on others for support. At the same time keep in mind that adolescents are trying to become less dependent on their parents and will want some degree of privacy.

• Basic rules such as curfews should be established. Know who your teen is dating, where they're going, what they plan to do, and when they'll be home.

• Set up rules about computer use and online safety. It's not unreasonable to monitor kids' activities online.

• Encourage kids to invite friends home, but set ground rules about entertaining when parents aren't present.

• Answer questions directly and honestly as they come up. Your willingness to be open and truthful sets the standard.

• Don't hesitate to let your teen know how you feel and what you expect. Be willing to listen and not judge.

• Be aware of how your children use technology. Make sure they know they should come to a parent or other trusted adult if they feel threatened or if someone spreads photos or rumors about them online.

• Teach teens to trust their judgment and avoid unwanted intimate advances by stating a response such as "No" clearly and firmly.

• When appropriate, encourage your teen to talk privately with their own physician.1

Obinoscopy: Teenage relationship, in the context of this debate, is a loving, romantic and/or sexual friendship between two people of opposite sex who are within the age range of 13 to 19 years. I had purposely included the term ‘opposite sex’ in my definition so as to limit my presentation to heterosexual relationship thereby precluding homosexual relationship. Homosexual relationship among teenagers is a very vast, sensitive and controversial topic that should be beyond the scope of this presentation. I would suggest that such topic needs to be presented separately and not merged with today’s topic of discuss. [b]A teenager is said to be in a transitional phase from childhood into adulthood, he/she is not yet an adult and as such is still under the custody of his parent/guardian. [/b]A teenager, in his quest to becoming an adult before his time, seek to engage in adult activities such as drinking of alcoholic beverages, smoking of tobacco cigarette, pornography viewing, driving, gambling, possession of firearms, voting, relationship/dating and even marriage. He is oblivious of his unpreparedness for such adult activities, thus the need for his parent to guide him appropriately lest he falls. The parent should NEVER support him in his quest for such adult activities especially that which concerns the topic of discuss: Teenage relationship. Although I understand the need for emotional autonomy and identity formation among the teenagers, I believe they can wait till their eighteenth year before they could experiment with such idea of emotional autonomy and sexual identity via teenage relationship.

Obinoscopy: A teenager’s foray into romantic relationships could be very dangerous. Relationships are very emotional and require one to have the required emotional stability/control and mental strength to engage in such. Teenagers do not have the desired emotional and mental strength to be in such fleeting relationships characterized by numerous break-ups and heart breaks. Negative outcomes such as substance use, academic difficulties, stress and involvement in delinquent behavior (particularly in relation to early intimate and romantic experiences), intimate health risks and unplanned pregnancy, risk of experiencing ‘dating’ or ‘partner violence’ and increased vulnerability to experiencing depressive symptoms (particularly for girls, and particularly following break-ups) could be prevented if the parent ensures the teenager does not go into a relationship until he/she has the required mental capacity.[4]

Obinoscopy: Life comes in stages and with each stage comes its responsibilities. As a child, there are certain things one is meant to learn and practice. A child is meant to go to elementary school to learn how to read and write; he/she is also meant to help out his/her parent in minor domestic chores. A teen is meant to progress into secondary and tertiary school and have good grades in their subjects, help out their parents with errands and more tedious domestic chores, participate in community based activities and mentor their younger siblings. An adult, unlike a child or a teen, is considered to be fully independent and is responsible for his/her actions. Thus he can engage in any activity he wants to, since he is independent and takes full responsibility. A teenager on the other hand is still not fully responsible for his/her actions and as such, the person who takes the full responsibility – in this case the teenager’s parent – has the moral and legal obligation to ensure the teenager do not engage in relationships with the opposite sex due to its negative consequences.

Obinoscopy: Fellow audience and esteemed judges, there is no gainsaying the fact that teenage relationship has immense negative consequences. A study by Quatman et al on dating status, academic performance, and motivation in high schools showed that students who dated more frequently had a lower academic performance.[5] Why destroy the teenager’s academic future with relationships that are fleeting? It is certainly not worth it. Aside the academic failures that results from romantic relationships, depression also results from such relationships. Studies have shown that depression often increases over the course of the mid-adolescent years, and it increases more for those adolescents who become romantically involved (especially for the first time) than for those who do not become romantically involved.[6] Other negative consequences include teenage pregnancy[7], increase in the prevalence of STIs among teenagers[8], dating violence[9], etc. No responsible parent would want his/her teenage kid to experience these negative outcomes.

Obinoscopy: The perfect age for one to indulge in any form of romantic relationship is 24 years as I had explained earlier. However, I am perfectly aware that the transition from adolescence to adulthood is not abrupt but a continuum, thus there is need for a gradual introduction of the teenage kid into romantic relationship. In the early teen age from 13 years till 17 years, the kid should be taught sex education at home by his/her parent. This is the pubertal stage of the kid thus there are bound to be hormonal and physical changes, such changes should be explained. However at such tender age, no form of romantic relationship should be allowed. It is when the child has attained the legal adult age of 18 years that some level of freedom can be given. From 18 till 24, the ‘child’ could engage in platonic relationship and subsequently graduate into romantic relationship with the opposite sex. Any responsible parent who wants the best for their kid must follow this model or its analogue.

Question 1: I'd like to know where you got your definition of what a relationship is and why you think it's based mostly on sex? The reason I ask is because, according to The Concise Oxford Dictionary, a relationship is defined as:

1. The fact or state of being related
2a. A connection or association (enjoyed a working relationship) b. an emotional (esp. intimate) association between tow people
3. A condition or character due to being related
4. Kinship

As you can see, sex forms a quarter of that definition meaning, there is more to a relationship than just sex based on the topic being debated upon, this applies to all teenagers, irrespective of their intimate orientation or not.

First of all, I don't think you're in a position to determine the boundaries of what is and what isn't debated upon. Leave that to the judges and don't undermine their decisions. Now that aside, are you saying that parents of non-heterosexual teenagers should take a back-seat in their child's lives with regards to relationships simply because you choose to sideline them? Those teenagers do not require parental guidance?

e: the bolded bit of your statement, you mention teenagers are at a transitional stage of their lives under the custody of their parents, yet you go on to mention that in their quest to become adults, they seek to engage in adult activities such as

~ drinking of alcoholic beverages
~ smoking of tobacco cigarette
~ Indecency viewing
~ driving (I assume you mean irresponsibly?)
~ gambling
~ possession of firearms
~ voting (what's wrong with voting?)
~ relationship/dating and even marriage.

That's 12 negatives you've tagged on teenagers - don't you think that's a bit much or even worse, you've tarred them all with the same brush? If you in one breath claim that they are custodians of their parents, how then can a teenager be so deeply entrenched in such vices even whilst under their parents' supposed guidance? If anything, does this not tell you that a parent whose teenage child(ren) engage in such activities have failed woefully? And why do you think they'd have failed this much if not for the disengagement of the parent? I mean, if the parent is actively involved in the affairs (I mean day-to-day activities) of their teenagers, how then can the child fall so much along the wayside?

Unless being groomed to join the monastery or to live the life of a monk / nun, teenagers will have to intermingle with members of the opposite sex but how do you propose they do this, if you have the mindset that merely mixing / interacting with others will ultimately lead to them jumping into the other's knickers?

Yes, relationships can be very emotional - not just for teenagers but for adults and even younger children, so do you not think - based on that, that parental involvement is needed more than ever? Do you not think that teenagers, like every other person deserve to have the listening (and understanding) ear of an adult? And in the absence of that, they turn to their peers (who incidentally know no better) for advice and end up getting the wrong advice?

You also mention teenage pregnancies for young girls with is indeed a real risk. But then how do you mitigate that risk? Has it not occurred to you that most of the teens involved in teenage pregnancy get into that situation because they did not get the adult supervision / guidance when they needed it most? Let me give you an example: A few weeks ago, an 18 year old girl opened a thread claiming she was pregnant and at her wits end, not knowing what to do - as her boyfriend of over a year had denied the pregnancy and wanted her to get rid of it?

Obinoscopy: The benefits of teenage relationship is far less significant when compared to the dangers that it portends. Why dabble into such?

Obinoscopy: I agree with you that every teenager wants to make their own judgement and decisions, however should we, the parent, grant them full autonomy simply because our teenage kid desires it? Certainly no. Its the parent who should decide when its right for their kid to be given full or partial autonomy and not the kid There are certainly ways to help the kid handle real-life relationships without endangering the emotional state of the teenage kid. First of, sex education and relationship counselling can be provided the kid in his/her teens. It's only at the transitional phase between teenage and adulthood that we can safely encourage him or her to experiment real life relationship

Obinoscopy: There are certainly ways to help the kid handle real-life relationships without endangering the emotional state of the teenage kid. First of, sex education and relationship counselling can be provided the kid in his/her teens. It's only at the transitional phase between teenage and adulthood that we can safely encourage him or her to experiment real life relationship

Obinoscopy: You speak of dating and relationship as if it was just mere driving a car or wearing a tie. Dating involves emotional commitment, trust, love, care thus it shouldn’t be something we just venture in simply because we want to "learn the give-and-take of relationships and test out various ways of relating to others." A teenage kid should venture into dating when he/she is emotionally ready for it. Period!

Obinoscopy: With all due respect, I beg to disagree that they will learn the "different" habits of the opposite sex. Even professional prostitutes and philanderers don't know all the "different" habits of the opposite sex. So I beg to wonder how the fleeting teenage relationship will ensure all the "different" habits of the opposite sex will be learnt.

Obinoscopy: There are three bonds available to a teenage kid namely: parent-teenage bond, peer-bond and opposite sex relationship-bond. Once the parent encourages the latter, the first two bonds suffer. This inevitably mean the parent will lose control over the kid. Thus I find it laughable that you think the steps you listed will achieve anything.

Question 3: I find the highlighted bit of your statement interesting. You mention different life stages and the corresponding responsibilities that go with them. You argue against teenagers getting involved in relationships, yet in the same breath, you advocate them participating in community based activities. Will they not meet members of the opposite sex whilst partaking in these activities? And pray, do tell, how will they intermingle, associate, communicate, if not by forming relationships with them? How do you propose they handle this? You do realise that forming relationships is all part of life too? So if you're advocating that they wait till they're adults before they start, will that not give rise to very awkward adults with poor communication skills - simply because they never got the chance to learn one of life's basics?

Question 4: You've listed a lot of negatives regarding the teenage relationships. But has it occured to you that those negatives occur in the absence of parental guidance?

Obinoscopy: The answer to the bolded question is simple: discourage teenage relationship. A lady cannot conceive if she's not in a relationship with a boy. It behoves on the parents to ensure this by close supervision, counselling and bonding

I've got colleagues at work - male colleagues who confirmed they're of the old school make. They attended single-sex, all boys schools and confirmed they had problems relating to the opposite sex. Now you compare those men with men who attended mixed schools. Who do you think coped better with

ifyalways:
I don't agree Obino. A lady concieves when she has unprotected seex - could be with a stranger,someone they just met/barely know, of which there is no relationship. Now why would they do that :
Others are doing it. (Peer pressure)

They do not know if its right or wrong.Nobody to ask or talk to as they don't have that intimate parent-child bonding.
etc.

Our children need honest,open,effective,early seeex education,not shame-based,Don't-ask-don't-tell,absitnence-or death preaching. Personal Opinion.

I totally agree with you on your views. You Never mentioned teenage relationship as one of the solution to teenage pregnancy, this invariably means we are on the same side