My little cousin (about N25yrs) asked me for a financial help of N10,000 to help her offset urgent school expenses. But when she showed up to collect the money, I noticed she had a brand new iphone worth over N50k, which she kept chatting on, as she waited in the parlor, also wearing a sophisticated hairstyle (I’m not a lady so I don’t know how to tell if the hair is expensive or not). However, I was a bit pulled back, and only managed to compliment saying “That’s a nice phone, where did you buy it?” She said it was a gift from her friend, and smiled. Her only boyfriend I see her with always is also a college student like her. So she means a school boyfriend gave her a phone gift of over N50k, and she accepted, when her parents are both petty traders struggling to survive in the village? I gave her the 10k anyway. My mind tells me something is not right with her lifestyle if she doesn’t have N10k but has a phone worth over N50k, and looked pretty sophisticated. I don’t want this good girl to get into the popular lifestyle of some girls in Nigeria, who waste their future and life goals doing anything for material things. My mind is telling me to have a soul chat with her, but I don't know how to I start to avoid being too judgmental. I may end up losing her trust and friendship if she feels I’m judging her unfairly.

Please give me suggestions how to do this and not sound too judgmental if my goal is to subtly communicate to her:

1). That parading such expensive gifts sends a wrong signal
2). That taking expensive gifts from a school boyfriend is inappropriate
3). How can she politely turn down an expensive gift from a man- can she sell a gift rather?
4). To discourage her from experimenting with ‘runs’ (campus bo.oty call), or sugar daddy lifestyle that may backfire in future.

Thanks for your suggestions

bigheart2013: My little cousin (about N25yrs) asked me for a financial help of N10,000 to help her offset urgent school expenses. But when she showed up to collect the money, I noticed she had a brand new iphone worth over N50k, which she kept chatting on, as she waited in the parlor, also wearing a sophisticated hairstyle (I’m not a lady so I don’t know how to tell if the hair is expensive or not). However, I was a bit pulled back, and only managed to compliment saying “That’s a nice phone, where did you buy it?” She said it was a gift from her friend, and smiled. Her only boyfriend I see her with always is also a college student like her. So she means a school boyfriend gave her a phone gift of over N50k, and she accepted, when her parents are both petty traders struggling to survive in the village? I gave her the 10k anyway. My mind tells me something is not right with her lifestyle if she doesn’t have N10k but has a phone worth over N50k, and looked pretty sophisticated. I don’t want this good girl to get into the popular lifestyle of some girls in Nigeria, who waste their future and life goals doing anything for material things. My mind is telling me to have a soul chat with her, but I don't know how to I start to avoid being too judgmental. I may end up losing her trust and friendship if she feels I’m judging her unfairly.

Please give me suggestions how to do this and not sound too judgmental if my goal is to subtly communicate to her:

1). That parading such expensive gifts sends a wrong signal
2). That taking expensive gifts from a school boyfriend is inappropriate
3). How can she politely turn down an expensive gift from a man- can she sell a gift rather?
4). To discourage her from experimenting with ‘runs’ (campus bo.oty call), or sugar daddy lifestyle that may backfire in future.

Thanks for your suggestions

You are enabling her bad habit of stretching her hand out for money at every turn. If she really needed that money she would have sold that brand new phone to get it.

OP, when I was in the University I also went to an Uncle to help me raise some money for a Field Trip. Unknowingly to me, I put on a pair of shoe that was even more expensive than the one he put on. He did not hesitate to tell me that " wo ogbeni yii, mi le ra iru bata to wo yii pelu bi mo se nsise, ti o bale ra iru bata yii o ye ki o ni owo field trip" Look young man, I can't afford the shoe you put on despite the fact that I am working, if you can afford expensive shoe, you should be able to raise your field trip bill. I knew right there that he would not give me anything. He gave me just my transport fare back to my school.

The truth doesn't get you many friends but it must be told. If you don't want to use the direct blunt approach, use the indirect approach since you don't want her to hate you but pass your message across.

Bigas*s and Bigheart should get married. So that they can discuss all their numerous issues. I am sure it would take years to deal with.

^^ And I was just about to type out a long, helpful response

Thanks for the warning Baby

Anyway, @OP: 'tis better she comes to you for her monetary 'needs' than to out seeking it from sugar daddies / awon runz or what ever it's called these days. But while giving her what she needs / requests, drum it into her head that material things aren't what she should be focusing on, or the reason why she's in school in the first place.

Let her learn to cut her coat to her size and resist peer pressure before she jumps in too deep.

I want to believe a 25 year old is not a 13,17 or 19 that doesnt know her left from her right.why dont you give her a little sum of money to start up any buisness of her choice and she should sell her phone to add to the money she has been given.

By the way youre talking like this because youre a man.do you know the enourmous pressure ladies of her age face to be among.they are doing brazillian hair,you did not do with them,they are doing peruvian hair,you didnt do with them,they are doing human hair,you didnt do with them,they are using galaxy tab,you didnt use with them.the other girls will look at you as cheap,razz,local and unsophisticated.she is just being like any regular lady


i remember when i was in the uni too,i will spend all my pocket money to buy clothes just to prove to my course mates,friends etc that i am a big girl up to the extent that i wont have money to eat.its normal.when shes out of school,she wont see all that as a priority.as for advising her,just tell her in a gentle manner that i know its none of my buisness wherever you get the money to do indian hair,lace wig or buy expensive phones but make sure you dont get yourself in school runz because of xyz.ill ather you work to get it and if you know you want to do big girl,you want to buy the latest gadget,call me,ill add to whatever you have

thats what my mom did to me too.when i was in school she begged me to keep away from runz,if you need money,come home,ill give you and if i dont have at that time,ill send it into your account.its like you dont know the temptation these ladies face in school.your roomates will tell you,you know you are comming from a humble background yet you are forming good girl,you better follow that guy,its not as if they write it on the fore head that i just had sex with him.you see them with flashy,expensive everything and you will be wondering what does this good girl, go to fellowship,etc has to offer me.be real,i am just telling you what goes on in the heads of girls in a typical undergraduate setting,pressures etc.then from there you will know how to talk to her calmly

kulyie: I want to believe a 25 year old is not a 13,17 or 19 that doesnt know her left from her right.why dont you give her a little sum of money to start up any buisness of her choice and she should sell her phone to add to the money she has been given.

By the way youre talking like this because youre a man.do you know the enourmous pressure ladies of her age face to be among.they are doing brazillian hair,you did not do with them,they are doing peruvian hair,you didnt do with them,they are doing human hair,you didnt do with them,they are using galaxy tab,you didnt use with them.the other girls will look at you as cheap,razz,local and unsophisticated.she is just being like any regular lady


i remember when i was in the uni too,i will spend all my pocket money to buy clothes just to prove to my course mates,friends etc that i am a big girl up to the extent that i wont have money to eat.its normal.when shes out of school,she wont see all that as a priority.as for advising her,just tell her in a gentle manner that i know its none of my buisness wherever you get the money to do indian hair,lace wig or buy expensive phones but make sure you dont get yourself in school runz because of xyz.ill ather you work to get it and if you know you want to do big girl,you want to buy the latest gadget,call me,ill add to whatever you have

thats what my mom did to me too.when i was in school she begged me to keep away from runz,if you need money,come home,ill give you and if i dont have at that time,ill send it into your account.its like you dont know the temptation these ladies face in school.your roomates will tell you,you know you are comming from a humble background yet you are forming good girl,you better follow that guy,its not as if they write it on the fore head that i just had sex with him.you see them with flashy,expensive everything and you will be wondering what does this good girl, go to fellowship,etc has to offer me.be real,i am just telling you what goes on in the heads of girls in a typical undergraduate setting,pressures etc.then from there you will know how to talk to her calmly

I really dont agreee with the bolded. If your parents cant afford to give you money that covers all that, You should make do with whatever they give you. Her parents are in the village struggling to survive like the OP said and she's living beyond watever they give her which is not good at all. She should not succumb to peer pressure.
The lady is 25 I even expect her to know better also considering the back ground she is coming from.

If you see two friends or brothers or relatives or sisters, etc who went inside to discuss and they come out smiling and laughing with each other, they have only gone inside to deceive themselves, but if on the other hand, you see both of them frowning with and at each other when they are coming out, they have discussed truthfully with each other, and you know, truth hurts, but later, it will be appreciated.

@op, if you truly love your cousin as you claim, do not mix words, say the truth, she may not like it now, she will definately realise it and appreciate it later. She may fight or disrespect you now, but later, she will come and apologise and you will be the most respected person in her life.
The truth is what is an undergraduate who can't afford to raise 10k by herself doing with a 50k phone. To even think her bf is also an undergraduate, where did she think the guy got the money to buy the gift for her?

I dont want to talk much, but. Please, if you really like her as you claim, have a real heart-to-heart discussion with her, so that, she won't have herself to blame in the future for her past deeds.
May God help us all.

yetseyi:



I really dont agreee with the bolded. If your parents cant afford to give you money that covers all that, You should make do with whatever they give you. Her parents are in the village struggling to survive like the OP said and she's living beyond watever they give her which is not good at all. She should not succumb to peer pressure.
The lady is 25 I even expect her to know better also considering the back ground she is coming from.

well,i understand but you should realise that just as our faces are different,the way people reason too is different. not every lady will think like that and if she has innate insecurity or is beginning to feel inferior,she can easily succumb not minding her background.
Infact,some roomates or course mates will tell her if you cant wear this type of cloth or do this type of hair or use this kind of cloth,you cannot hang out with us because you will be embarassing us and we dont want people to think we are the same with you because your dress looks so cheap

greatgod2012: If you see two friends or brothers or relatives or sisters, etc who went inside to discuss and they come out smiling and laughing with each other, they have only gone inside to deceive themselves, but if on the other hand, you see both of them frowning with and at each other when they are coming out, they have discussed truthfully with each other, and you know, truth hurts, but later, it will be appreciated.

@op, if you truly love your cousin as you claim, do not mix words, say the truth, she may not like it now, she will definately realise it and appreciate it later. She may fight or disrespect you now, but later, she will come and apologise and you will be the most respected person in her life.
The truth is what is an undergraduate who can't afford to raise 10k by herself doing with a 50k phone. To even think her bf is also an undergraduate, where did she think the guy got the money to buy the gift for her?

I dont want to talk much, but. Please, if you really like her as you claim, have a real heart-to-heart discussion with her, so that, she won't have herself to blame in the future for her past deeds.
May God help us all.

haaaa great god.yorubas say you dont handle some matters toughly simply because it appears tough.you will just create a rebellious,disrespectful and wayward girl out of her.you dont handle such matters with that kind of approach.if you live or work around undergraduates,you will understand better.to her,if you tell her that she will say brother mi o love mi.my brother doesnt like me,i asked him for money,he didnt give me and the guy i am dating gave me and now he is angry i am using a 5ok phone because he is not using one ,he doesnt want me to date this guy etc

kulyie: well,i understand but you should realise that just as our faces are different,the way people reason too is different. not every lady will think like that and if she has innate insecurity or is beginning to feel inferior,she can easily succumb not minding her background.
Infact,some roomates or course mates will tell her if you cant wear this type of cloth or do this type of hair or use this kind of cloth,you cannot hang out with us because you will be embarassing us and we dont want people to think we are the same with you because your dress looks so cheap

okay

kulyie: haaaa great god.yorubas say you dont handle some matters toughly simply because it appears tough.you will just create a rebellious,disrespectful and wayward girl out of her.you dont handle such matters with that kind of approach.if you live or work around undergraduates,you will understand better.to her,if you tell her that she will say brother mi o love mi.my brother doesnt like me,i asked him for money,he didnt give me and the guy i am dating gave me and now he is angry i am using a 5ok phone because he is not using one ,he doesnt want me to date this guy etc

i will rather be disrespected now and gain my respect later, when she realises that it's nothing but the truth.
Personally, when i love someone, i dont mix words up with them, i go straight to the point, if you like, accept, if you like, dont, but i know that within the person, he/she will know that i spoke the truth. We dont need to be afraid to say the truth, we all know that truth hurts but it also has it's healing balm when acceppted.
For example, just last week, a younger sister of mine(a cousin) came visiting, she has started bleaching her skin. I told her straightforward. I just said, oh baby, you have started bleaching your skin, do you know the health impliations? Better stop it now before you start regretting. This is not an undergraduate o, she's a married woman, a banker, a graduate of over 7 years ago.
That's me sha.
It's an individual thing.

greatgod2012:
The truth is what is an undergraduate who can't afford to raise 10k by herself doing with a 50k phone. To even think her bf is also an undergraduate, where did she think the guy got the money to buy the gift for her?

The wise @greatgod2012 as usual, you are always on point, and see beyond! That's exactly my point. The only reason I mentioned her boyfriend in the post being an undergraduate is because I don't believe her claim that he was the one that bought the phone. Where did the poor boy get the money from?..something tells me that phone is from a much richer person somewhere. My dilemma is that it's mere suspicion, which can destroy trusts even between a father and daughter, talk-less of btw cousins.. Her parents are not educated, so I am more like her mentor on education. Therefore, I don't want to make her become withdrawn when she needs counseling most...A tight rope to walk actually!

kulyie: haaaa great god.yorubas say you dont handle some matters toughly simply because it appears tough.you will just create a rebellious,disrespectful and wayward girl out of her.you dont handle such matters with that kind of approach.if you live or work around undergraduates,you will understand better.to her,if you tell her that she will say brother mi o love mi.my brother doesnt like me,i asked him for money,he didnt give me and the guy i am dating gave me and now he is angry i am using a 5ok phone because he is not using one ,he doesnt want me to date this guy etc

There are many truths and lessons from your post and previous posts on this matter...you are right on the issue of peer-pressure on campus, instilling a rebellious spirit that can make her even worse, etc. Moreover, a young girl in love is like a 'Train with failed brakes' if you stand in front, she sweeps you head-on. I remember, while in school, a young promising girl in our neighborhood who ran away from her parents' decent house, abandoned school for many months just to go and live with her boyfriend in a make-shift shelter at the 'Mechanic village' because she was criticized and rebuked by her mother. Unfortunately, before she could be found, she was already heavily pregnant. Shame couldn't let her return home. She became a school drop-out and very young mother, with all regrets later. A parents' worst fears!

kulyie: well,i understand but you should realise that just as our faces are different,the way people reason too is different. not every lady will think like that and if she has innate insecurity or is beginning to feel inferior,she can easily succumb not minding her background.
Infact,some roomates or course mates will tell her if you cant wear this type of cloth or do this type of hair or use this kind of cloth,you cannot hang out with us because you will be embarassing us and we dont want people to think we are the same with you because your dress looks so cheap

If at her age she has not found a way to rise above all that then I truly feel sorry for her. Why does she have to wear peruvian or brazilian hair? What happened to Nigerian hair? Please. I don't feel sorry for her.

bigheart2013:

The wise @greatgod2012 as usual, you are always on point, and see beyond! That's exactly my point. The only reason I mentioned her boyfriend in the post being an undergraduate is because I don't believe her claim that he was the one that bought the phone. Where did the poor boy get the money from?..something tells me that phone is from a much richer person somewhere. My dilemma is that it's mere suspicion, which can destroy trusts even between a father and daughter, talk-less of btw cousins.. Her parents are not educated, so I am more like her mentor on education. Therefore, I don't want to make her become withdrawn when she needs counseling most...A tight rope to walk actually!

thanks for your compliment, but pls, with all humility and due respect, don't refer to me as the wise, i am human and i will remain human, only God is wise. Thanks.


@post, the reasoning of that your cousin is somehow, if it was his bf that actually gave her that phone as a gift, she supposed to have questioned the guy as to where he got the money to buy the phone from.
On the other hand, she might not be telling you the truth as to who gave her the phone. If i were you, i will invite her over and have a serious and meaningful discussion with her, if she doesn't appreciate it now, she will do later.
May God help us all.

soul_glo:

If at her age she has not found a way to rise above all that then I truly feel sorry for her. Why does she have to wear peruvian or brazilian hair? What happened to Nigerian hair? Please. I don't feel sorry for her.

You are right! Looking at the myriads of unprecedented number of failed marriages and relationships among the younger generation of Nigerians both at home and broad, one can only say having a woman who can do anything for the sake of money is a recipe for failed marriage. On the other hand, having a man who cannot provide achieves same. Yet the spirit of self-content (being satisfied with what you have no matter how little), while aspiring to acquire more through hard-work and legitimate means that don't debase one's dignity and respect is called 'Value'. This is lacking in modern day Nigeria. This is the reason why thousands of ladies cannot be married (because no man wants trouble at home), and millions of men continue to lack (due to dishonest spirit). We can blame devil, spiritual husbands, witches, wizards, etc all we can. You are simply responsible for your failures and successes in life, and until you take full responsibility, you ain't moving an inch.

we see all this on campus,kulye is right in some way,not been among is the fear of some girls,i tell ya

chaircover: I dont think that you need to sugar coat anything . . .bad is bad
The fact that a thousand people are doing it doesnt mean that it is right

Many of the people who lived this kind of life before and are now regretting it today could have done with someone sitting them down and telling them the truth. (I am not saying that they will all listen but some would)

There is a time and place for everything. There is plenty of time to buy and use an expensive phone. If I choose to buy a blackberry 30 or iphone 10 no one can ask me questions because I have worked hard for it.

One should always remember ones background and not get carried away with market noise. Her parents are petty traders in the village so how can she justify this? If she wants to use nice things, then she should get a job to sustain that lifestyle.

Day after day, people find themselves in difficult positions because of the past decisions that they took thinking at the time that they were enjoying life.

If you really love her, you will sit her down and tell her the truth. You are investing into her future and you are helping her. The truth is always bitter . . but is always the truth nonetheless.

hmmm!u go barging on a young girl wit this tone.u lose her practically!

baralatie:
hmmm!u go barging on a young girl wit this tone.u lose her practically!

You will lose the one that has never been corrected. That tone is what this girl needs. As long as you are not being disrespectful with the lesson then it's all good in my opinion. You can't sugar coat a lesson like this because it can significantly impact her life. If it is something that will help her through life then it is worth a few minutes of being uncomfortable.

soul_glo: You will lose the one that has never been corrected. That tone is what this girl needs. As long as you are not being disrespectful with the lesson then it's all good in my opinion. You can't sugar coat a lesson like this because it can significantly impact her life. If it is something that will help her through life then it is worth a few minutes of being uncomfortable.

I tried making contact with her via phone yesterday but the noise in the background was too much. I sent her a soft-tone text

"..I'm hapi u're doin well at schl & lukin healthy. but I think dat big fone i saw u wit can attract thieves to rob u. Also pple hu wana help u may think u're rich. wit ur bkgrnd it sends a wrong signal o, haba...LoL!.. just a brotherly advice.."

she wrote back "..uncle u'r not d 1st to say dat. but it's a make-up gift frm a frnd afta a big quarrel, & he's always checking to c I stil hav d phone. maybe he tot i sold it like one money-lover. men hia say nig gals dont value gift but only mony. Pls I'm not a bad girl. uncle, even whn u dont want dis thinz, & dnt want dem, men hia'll pester u wt big gifts & cash to woo u. wot do u do?...pls sorry sir 4 ma behavior"

When I asked further that I thought it's from her bf I know as a student, she said it's not from him rather from a guy, where she did her IT who wants to go out with her... . Should I discourage her to date dis type of man who 'buys' love with cash & gifts? However, I don't want to meddle with her privacy...she won't share info with me again.

bigheart2013:

I tried making contact with her via phone yesterday but the noise in the background was too much. I sent her a soft-tone text

"..I'm hapi u're doin well at schl & lukin healthy. but I think dat big fone i saw u wit can attract thieves to rob u. Also pple hu wana help u may think u're rich. wit ur bkgrnd it sends a wrong signal o, haba...LoL!.. just a brotherly advice.."

she wrote back "..uncle u'r not d 1st to say dat. but it's a make-up gift frm a frnd afta a big quarrel, & he's always checking to c I stil hav d phone. maybe he tot i sold it like one money-lover. men hia say nig gals dont value gift but only mony. Pls I'm not a bad girl. uncle, even whn u dont want dis thinz, & dnt want dem, men hia'll pester u wt big gifts & cash to woo u. wot do u do?...pls sorry sir 4 ma behavior"

When I asked further that I thought it's from her bf I know as a student, she said it's not from him rather from a guy, where she did her IT who wants to go out with her...

na can now understand why u av to be careful wit how u talk wit a very young lady.THANK GOD U DID NOT GO THE DIRECT APPROACH AS SOUL-GLO SUGESTD.
The best u can do is to take 1 step at time!

chaircover: We are still saying the same thing. Something is wrong if at her age, she cant put her foot down to someone trying to buy her affections with gifts.

Every girl needs to be "taught" from very early in their life not to accept gifts from men in exchange for anything. It puts you in compromising situations. Now that she collected the phone, the man has access to her, which he probably wouldn't have had, had he not bought the phone for her. Bigheart, you still need to talk to her. You dont bother smelling what you have no intention of eating.

But honestly we blame Nigerian girls unfairly for being gullible. Some Nigerian men are too patronizing & outright irresponsible. How can a man give a lady who possibly doesn't like him a gift of N50k yet we say there's hardship in Nigeria? Ironically some of these men can't pay their rents on time or foot family obligations to their siblings and parents. Same man will complain tomorrow that the same girl is too materialistic. Maybe one lady was right when she wrote "Any girlfriend that asks for money from a man doesn't like him, and any man that gives money to a girlfriend have no respect for her because he sees her as needy"

Poster let's start from u.
So u mean u hv never giving a gal an expensive gift?

The way I see it, this girl in question is bowing to peer pressure - which as we all know, is hard to resist.

That notwithstanding, right is right and wrong is wrong in this scenario. There are no middle grounds here.

@OP, having read her latest response / defence of acquiring that phone, it's obvious she's being economical with the truth. A girl should respect herself and background enough to know when to cut her coat according to her size. She obviously hasn't / doesn't and definitely has more than one boyfriend on the go.

There's not much you can do to dissuade her if she's chosen the path of greed and avarice over her studies. However, you can contain the damage by preaching to her to protect herself from STIs/STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

yellowpawpaw: Poster let's start from u.
So u mean u hv never giving a gal an expensive gift?

Yes, I'll give a super-expensive gift to MY woman in appreciation to her years of loyalty & love but not to a girl I just met at a shopping mall or street. My gf doesn't ever ask me for money. She's from a very humble background and lives in Nigeria too. Maybe I'm lucky.

I'd always preferred to help a girl get a job than giving her free money. Once I found out a girl is after money, I respectfully let her go, because under pressure such a girl will do anything to get money from another man. Girls with needy spirit are very dangerous! They try to get rich on you, even if it means giving out your info to kidnappers to get some share. Don't forget that not all 'poor' girls have 'needy' spirit. I therefore prefer to use the term 'humble background' to 'poor background'. There are well-paid bankers who still have needy spirit. They still ask for transport fare when they visit a bf There are Nigerian girls who don't have money, car, flashy clothes, they live in face-me-I-face-you yard, yet they have self-respect and dignity. Those are the type of girls men are looking for in marriage. Quality and not quantity matters! Hope our girls get it!!