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Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? - Family - Nairaland

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Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 11:58am On Dec 07, 2013
Happy Saturday People...

I was discussing with a family friend, (we grew up together and our mums both got widowed in their mid 50's) and our discussion geared towards our mums.I then jokingly said seems we need to look for a boyfriend for the mummies grin this one that mummy is always on my sister's case maybe she needs another adult for companionship.My dad died 5 yrs ago, theirs 7 yrs ago.His reaction was quite shocking .He said that's a useless, disgusting idea.These people are grandmothers.My reply was yeah I was joking intially but jokes apart I would really be happy for my mum if she found love again.Me and my siblings are living our own lives so why should we expect her to stop living or crave that kind of affection cos she is a grandmother? My mum will be 60 soon and a very youngish 60 if I may add so I can't see why not? My friend said I've started thinking like oyinbo .He said at that age her kids and grandkids should be her preoccupation and all her time should be spent praying for them.Like really? shocked shocked people pray 24 hours a day. He said that's me sha but he knows his mum can't even think in that direction.

So guys for those with widowed parents (those with adult children) are you receptive to your parent finding love again?
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 12:05pm On Dec 07, 2013
I support them jare!
Its even sweeter at this stage!
My daddy died 5 yrs into his marriage na so ma momma became an un ordained rev sis till her demise.
Bleep culture and religion!
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 12:06pm On Dec 07, 2013
Your friend is talking rubbish.

You are right right right!
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by judii(f): 12:23pm On Dec 07, 2013
It's always easier for men to remarry. Believe me, your mum may not even be thinking in that direction any more. A lot of widowed women I know(very young ones inclusive), never remarried after loosing their husbands. But if it happens for your mum again, good grin
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by ifedun2: 12:36pm On Dec 07, 2013
your friend reminds me of a younger colleague.Her mum and dad were divorced,dad remarried but mum did not.After a while,mum found love again and wanted to move on but this my friend was making things difficult.She would always be rude to and embarrass this man until the mum threatened to curse her if she wouldn't allow her have peace.In summary,everybody needs companionship no matter their age.The children will not always be there.@op,you are right.Your friend is not being realistic.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 1:55pm On Dec 07, 2013
I guess as most of you said its society that kinda makes it harder on the older woman.I remember my grandfather remarried just 1 year after he was widowed.To a woman 5 yrs younger than my mum grin grin grin(his first child).When my mum asked why such a younger person, he said that's when the older woman will say ehn my daughter had a baby I have to go help and then leave him a bachelor for the next 4 months grin grin grin.

I get people ask me all the time why doesn't your mum come and stay permanently in the UK so you don't have to pay for childcare. My answer is 1 I can't afford to pay my mum grin grin grin grin she has expensive tastes lol 2.She has her own business her own life, she has raised her own children so why should I make her substitute nanny.Dont get me wrong she comes over like twice a yr and helps when around but I still dont think telling her to abandon her life is fair.Besides she hates the cold cheesy.

THAT is one of the reasons I think some adult kids dont want their widowed mothers especiallyto remarry or find love again.Partly selfish reasons 'So will this man allow her to come and help with my kids?'.Obviously we are all adults so there is no question of him wanting to assume daddy besides he can never ever take the place of my Dad so I don't get the issue with it.Women have suffered sha, you raise your own children society expects you to raise grandchildren again undecided undecided na wa o. P.S I am not saying grandparents should not help with their grandchildren.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by EfemenaXY: 2:00pm On Dec 07, 2013
damiso: Happy Saturday People...

I was discussing with a family friend, (we grew up together and our mums both got widowed in their mid 50's) and our discussion geared towards our mums.I then jokingly said seems we need to look for a boyfriend for the mummies grin this one that mummy is always on my sister's case maybe she needs another adult for companionship.My dad died 5 yrs ago, theirs 7 yrs ago.His reaction was quite shocking .He said that's a useless, disgusting idea.These people are grandmothers.My reply was yeah I was joking intially but jokes apart I would really be happy for my mum if she found love again.Me and my siblings are living our own lives so why should we expect her to stop living or crave that kind of affection cos she is a grandmother? My mum will be 60 soon and a very youngish 60 if I may add so I can't see why not? My friend said I've started thinking like oyinbo .He said at that age her kids and grandkids should be her preoccupation and all her time should be spent praying for them.Like really? shocked shocked people pray 24 hours a day. He said that's me sha but he knows his mum can't even think in that direction.

So guys for those with widowed parents (those with adult children) are you receptive to your parent finding love again?

Dami, but how would you really feel about it though - if your mum says she's found someone? Be true to yourself and ask yourself whether you won't feel he's trying to take your dad's place, which of course is irreplaceable.

Remember, (ideally), he'll probably have kids and grandchildren of his own.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 2:07pm On Dec 07, 2013
Efemena_xy:

But how would you really feel about it though - if your mum says she's found someone?

Remember, (ideally), he'll probably have kids and grandchildren of his own.

Well, I would not automatically think its disgusting. I would ask my mum about him, his family dynamics, does she think she could cope with the dynamics.My mum is muslim but I would never support her marrying a man with a wife or other wives.Might not be too comfortable with an elderly divorcee (that depends on how long he has been divorced) but would not really mind a widower l.At that age as you said he probably has children and grandchildren of his own so in those scenarios it's not like they want to have kids or something. It's more like a companionship thing.I would ask my mum if he made her happy (would not compare with my dad).If he makes her happy why not? The dynamics are tricky but its not an idea I would totally oppose.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by EfemenaXY: 2:14pm On Dec 07, 2013
'Disgusting' is too strong a word to use and is quite frankly, inappropriate.

Anyway, I get what you're saying sha but for me personally, I really, really don't know how I'd feel - but then again, her happiness is what's important here.

Oh, I don't know - this your question hard, I tell you.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 2:29pm On Dec 07, 2013
Efemena_xy: 'Disgusting' is too strong a word to use and is quite frankly, inappropriate.

Anyway, I get what you're saying sha but for me personally, I really, really don't know how I'd feel - but then again, her happiness is what's important here.

Oh, I don't know - this your question hard, I tell you.

Efe you know men naa, his brain was going in the 'other' direction cheesy cheesy grin grin grin.Its disgusting enough thinking of your parents 'doing' it not to talk of one strange man and your mum grin grin grin.Dirty mind like that's the only part of a relationship.Am sure that's why he used the word disgusting
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 4:14pm On Dec 07, 2013
It is easy to say I will welcome the idea but frankly speaking I am not sure I'd be especially over the moon but I will respect that decision if that is what she wants. As you you rightly stated, you and your siblings are leading your own lives, why should her's stop just because her hubby died before her?
Loneliness is terrible and I'd not wish it on anyone and especially anyone over 50 for that matter.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 4:40pm On Dec 07, 2013
naijababe: It is easy to say I will welcome the idea but frankly speaking I am not sure I'd be especially over the moon but I will respect that decision if that is what she wants. As you you rightly stated, you and your siblings are leading your own lives, why should her's stop just because her hubby died before her?
Loneliness is terrible and I'd not wish it on anyone and especially anyone over 50 for that matter.

Hello sis...How's good ole Scotland kiss

Maybe you and efe are right that I might not be too over the moon if it does happen but as you rightly stated Loneliness is a bad thing.People assume you are old jo, you can be going to church or a'salatu as the case maybe but it seriously is not the same.My sis and bro are still at home and I don't know the amount of quarrels I have settled all the way from London just cos mum said they are being inconsiderate. Things like she went out from work without telling me beforehand, she is never home, he is always out bla bla.I tell them its not like she is hounding you guys but its just that she needs some company when she gets back from her shop . And my mum is fairly social so imagine someone who is not.Unfortunately I don't live in Nigeria maybe dropping off the kids some weekends might have helped . She really does miss my Dad.
When she is here and sees all those old couples (my mum is very emotional) you see tears fill her eyes.
I hear people say I am my mum's husband, I know its a different relationship.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by EfemenaXY: 5:06pm On Dec 07, 2013
damiso:

I tell them its not like she is hounding you guys but its just that she needs some company when she gets back from her shop . And my mum is fairly social so imagine someone who is not.Unfortunately I don't live in Nigeria maybe dropping off the kids some weekends might have helped . She really does miss my Dad.
When she is here and sees all those old couples (my mum is very emotional) you see tears fill her eyes.

I hear people say I am my mum's husband, I know its a different relationship.

I feel teary just reading your post Dami - but what can we do?

We can't bring them here to live forever. It's just too cold and the older you get, the more the cold gets to you - that's why many are advised to move to warmer climates, especially during the harsh winters here.

They really do need company but it sort of rips you in two. You've got your own life here with your hubby, kids, work and general day-to-day hustling just to keep one's head above the waters of bills, bills, and bills. At the end of the day, we Africans, try as much as we want to deny it, have that communal family life entrenched in our DNAs.

Would you believe it, just a few days ago, I was discussing with my sister and mentioned that 18 is too young for a child to be totally independent on their own over here - and that I'd be more than happy for my sons to do their Uni in London (excuse being that it will cut down on accommodation costs tongue ) and even after that, make dem stay reach 25 so that even while working, they can save enough £££ to get a foot on the property ladder.

D'you know what she said? She laughed and was like - Naija parents! Doing all they can to keep their kids with them at home, for as long as possible!

Na wa o! I guess I'm very guilty of that cos in 10 years from now, all of them go don fly nest! cry cry cry
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by greatgod2012(f): 5:08pm On Dec 07, 2013
There is nothing bad about the idea. Infact, i applaud the idea. Just last year, my foster mother remarried after being widowed for 7 years, we were all happy, i personally was happy, i even threw aso ebi for the wedding, because they were legally married in MFM church. The husband was also widowed 7 years ago. Hubby was 68 while she was 60 when they both got remarried. Till today, you will think they are young couples,(Romeo and Juliet) they are so fun to be together at all times. Each time i see them, i'm always happy for them, at least, they are both happy, but they have to be both widowed o

The way it is being looked at culturally is what is keeping people, especially the old women from remarrying, the fear of what people will say. Even my own biological mum didn't like the idea, i had to educate her more and more. At last, i told her it was her life, not people's life and she has every right to be happy..

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Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 5:08pm On Dec 07, 2013
I would so encourage it for companionship purposes, since err..rr I'm not much of a companion.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 5:09pm On Dec 07, 2013
I really won't have a problem with that ,everyone has a right to be happy and that I won't interfere with. If she finds love at that Age,why not?I did be happy for her.Most men see it differently, their selfish nature ll always come into play.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by pickabeau1: 5:16pm On Dec 07, 2013
Yes
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 7:35pm On Dec 07, 2013
stillwater: I would so encourage it for companionship purposes, since err..rr I'm not much of a companion.

Reminds me of my sister grin grin grin grin grin

@, mfm don dey allow aso ebi shocked shocked shocked times have changed o.Awww nice love story.

@Efe typical naija woman. grin grin grin ;DMy bro mentioned that he wanted to get a place with his friend after Youth service and my mum almost had a fit. grin grin.My sister nko who has been working for almost 6 yrs, she still has to take permission (though my mum will say its not permission she just merely wants to be informed in time cheesy cheesy) to go out on dates or stuff after work. She has to do night vigil to sleep over at a friend's grin.Though to be honest that applied even to me back then but since Dad died she has been doubly possessive.(she won't agree though).

As said it's kinda cultural especially on the older mothers cos if it was reverse I.e. the fathers the story is different. I have heard adult children say daddy needs a companion who will be helping him run the housem cheesy cheesy I don't have time with work, family etc.I have never heard anyone say maybe Grandpa can come help with the kids now that mummy is gone grin grin grin
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by tpia1: 7:41pm On Dec 07, 2013
Do not rush in where angels fear to tread.


Some threads need to come with a 'poster beware' heading.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 7:43pm On Dec 07, 2013
tpia1: Do not rush in where angels fear to tread.


Some threads need to come with a 'poster beware' heading.

Meaning
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by EfemenaXY: 7:48pm On Dec 07, 2013
damiso:

Reminds me of my sister grin grin grin grin grin

@, mfm don dey allow aso ebi shocked shocked shocked times have changed o.Awww nice love story.

@Efe typical naija woman. grin grin grin ;DMy bro mentioned that he wanted to get a place with his friend after Youth service and my mum almost had a fit. grin grin.My sister nko who has been working for almost 6 yrs, she still has to take permission (though my mum will say its not permission she just merely wants to be informed in time cheesy cheesy) to go out on dates or stuff after work. She has to do night vigil to sleep over at a friend's grin.Though to be honest that applied even to me back then but since Dad died she has been doubly possessive.(she won't agree though).

As said it's kinda cultural especially on the older mothers cos if it was reverse I.e. the fathers the story is different. I have heard adult children say daddy needs a companion who will be helping him run the housem cheesy cheesy I don't have time with work, family etc.I have never heard anyone say maybe Grandpa can come help with the kids now that mummy is gone grin grin grin

Dami, na so now.

It is well with our families smiley smiley
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 7:57pm On Dec 07, 2013
Damiso,

If your mum finds love again, please let her be. Your husband is just being sentimental. Nothing wrong in a 60 year old finding love again. Its not like she is cheating on your dad, your dad is dead and the marriage is over. If she finds one 65 year old widower or divorcee, nothing wrong in it. Everybody wants to be loved and needs company and your mums are human too.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 8:07pm On Dec 07, 2013
Nashville: Damiso,

If your mum finds love again, please let her be. Your husband is just being sentimental. Nothing wrong in a 60 year old finding love again. Its not like she is cheating on your dad, your dad is dead and the marriage is over. If she finds one 65 year old widower or divorcee, nothing wrong in it. Everybody wants to be loved and needs company and your mums are human too.

I agree wholeheartedly
But Nashville was not my husband who disagreed.It was a friend.My husband once jokingly told mum that we could register her profile on those over 60's dating sites.Who knows we could jam one rich lonely man that would will his fortune to us. grin grin grin grin
My mum could not stop laughing.

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Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 11:33pm On Dec 07, 2013
Daddy was 42,when mum died at 38. He was a celibate 4 9yrs. I wished to see him happily in love again,though my sisters refused. On the tenth yr,he found love,and remarried. I see nothing wrng in it. The Deal is TILL DEATH DO US PART.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by damiso(f): 1:45pm On Nov 10, 2015
mavany:
@ Damiso , its kind of funny finding this thread cos I'm going tru something like this now. My dad married at 27 but lost his wife after 13 years tho they didn't get to have children. After barely one year , he married my mum at abt 40 years, mum was 21 when the got married , they had me almost immediately then waited for another ten to have my two brothers. My mum died at 46 last year june 26th. With my Dad being about 66 years and now approx 1year and 6 months Pops is thinking of remarrying, and exchanging I love you with a random woman he met up on facebook
Honestly , it irked me , I feel like my mums memory is being insulted, like the so called love Dad professed for mum and their happy marriage is just a facade, I feel like dad moved on too quickly
To make matters worse my family used to seem very close knit, but since this online lover came in Pops became aloof esp to my younger brothers who are used to getting his attention and him being very involved in their lives.
Dads stuck on his phone all day, being so soo secretive , the worse is him denying and pretending and lying to cover all these and planning secret meet ups.
I get night mares of my dad dying and leaving an old woman as responsibility for me to take care of.

I didn't mention of this older never been married woman getting the wind that pops family is resisting esp me the older Child and she sending me tests saying that I can't prevent her from marrying my Dad, asking me if I'm sleeping with my Dad and swearing to do all things humanly possible for my Dad to marry her so she can deal with me and make me eat sand lol.


Its all so funny coming from a 40 year old woman!!!
Maybe I'm selfish or what but, I surely don't feel gooda about another woman.

I feel you jare but one thing we need to understand WE their children are going to live our own lives. I don't even live in the same continent as my mum and I try to call/Skype/chat with her at least 4 times a week but sometimes my own life ie. work,children etc just catch up with me. I said I was going to call her last night but by the time I remembered it was already about 11 naija time and I did not want to wake her up. My siblings as well all so busy doing their own stuff. That is time is when you need your partner ( when the kids fly the nest) but unfortunately in this case he is no more.


Maybe its the time frame( a year is not that long) and also to honest this woman your dad is seeing me sef I don't like the sound of her, what's with the threats? She should be the more mature person here. make you eat sand? na wa for some people o.

I know people say face your children ( especially for women) but the companisonhip of a spouse is not the same for children.Especially when one has older children that have flown the nest.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Nobody: 7:06pm On Nov 10, 2015
mavany:
@ Damiso , its kind of funny finding this thread cos I'm going tru something like this now. My dad married at 27 but lost his wife after 13 years tho they didn't get to have children. After barely one year , he married my mum at abt 40 years, mum was 21 when the got married , they had me almost immediately then waited for another ten to have my two brothers. My mum died at 46 last year june 26th. With my Dad being about 66 years and now approx 1year and 6 months Pops is thinking of remarrying, and exchanging I love you with a random woman he met up on facebook
Honestly , it irked me , I feel like my mums memory is being insulted, like the so called love Dad professed for mum and their happy marriage is just a facade, I feel like dad moved on too quickly
To make matters worse my family used to seem very close knit, but since this online lover came in Pops became aloof esp to my younger brothers who are used to getting his attention and him being very involved in their lives.
Dads stuck on his phone all day, being so soo secretive , the worse is him denying and pretending and lying to cover all these and planning secret meet ups.
I get night mares of my dad dying and leaving an old woman as responsibility for me to take care of.

I didn't mention of this older never been married woman getting the wind that pops family is resisting esp me the older Child and she sending me tests saying that I can't prevent her from marrying my Dad, asking me if I'm sleeping with my Dad and swearing to do all things humanly possible for my Dad to marry her so she can deal with me and make me eat sand lol.


Its all so funny coming from a 40 year old woman!!!
Maybe I'm selfish or what but, I surely don't feel gooda about another woman.

Listen be very careful of this woman ooo. Gold digger and juju alert. Be veery careful, step up your prayer life.
Re: Are You Receptive To Your Widowed Parent Finding Love Again? by Stillfire: 7:42pm On Nov 10, 2015
mavany:
@ Damiso , its kind of funny finding this thread cos I'm going tru something like this now. My dad married at 27 but lost his wife after 13 years tho they didn't get to have children. After barely one year , he married my mum at abt 40 years, mum was 21 when the got married , they had me almost immediately then waited for another ten to have my two brothers. My mum died at 46 last year june 26th. With my Dad being about 66 years and now approx 1year and 6 months Pops is thinking of remarrying, and exchanging I love you with a random woman he met up on facebook
Honestly , it irked me , I feel like my mums memory is being insulted, like the so called love Dad professed for mum and their happy marriage is just a facade, I feel like dad moved on too quickly
To make matters worse my family used to seem very close knit, but since this online lover came in Pops became aloof esp to my younger brothers who are used to getting his attention and him being very involved in their lives.
Dads stuck on his phone all day, being so soo secretive , the worse is him denying and pretending and lying to cover all these and planning secret meet ups.
I get night mares of my dad dying and leaving an old woman as responsibility for me to take care of.

I didn't mention of this older never been married woman getting the wind that pops family is resisting esp me the older Child and she sending me tests saying that I can't prevent her from marrying my Dad, asking me if I'm sleeping with my Dad and swearing to do all things humanly possible for my Dad to marry her so she can deal with me and make me eat sand lol.


Its all so funny coming from a 40 year old woman!!!
Maybe I'm selfish or what but, I surely don't feel gooda about another woman.

You also need to put it into consideration that he married your mom a year after his first wife died.
I guess it's his pattern. There are people that just need that companionship or emotional bond filled up quickly otherwise they lose their minds.
Notwithstanding, the new candidate does not appear to be genuine. Did you show your dad the texts though?

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