A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of
America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to
nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. (You should look
up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories
(except North Dakota, which she does
not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David
Cameron, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
'-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated
as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal
issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on
the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices
on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on
calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European
brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as
they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of
the British Commonwealth - see what it
did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialect in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game
which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is
a world beyond your borders, your error
is understandable. You will learn cricket,
and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's
been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4
p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and
never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries
(with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have
a good sense of humor.
I saw dis somewhere and decided to share it. very funny.

Lol the Americans live in a world of their own so do the British anyway. So very funny

Don't tell me you wasted all ur precious morning to put down this rubbish....bt wait,ASUU has resumd nw..y r u stil dng this ?..hmm

Pray. Tell me this is not impersonation of the Queen... Don't over step your boundaries.

merzybenedict: Don't tell me you wasted all ur precious morning to put down this rubbish....bt wait,ASUU has resumd nw..y r u stil dng this ?..hmm

I saw dis somewhere and decided to share it dnt u have a sense of humour, u don't have to b serious all d time. FYI no lectures today

hod898: Pray. Tell me this is not impersonation of the Queen... Don't over step your boundaries.

it's a joke don't u get, gosh u guys need to lighten up.

zeekz: it's a joke don't u get, gosh u guys need to lighten up.

Tch, I was only joking too. I just wanted to pull yr legs.
Here, I started with pray which is mostly used in ancient England, although it's still been used today.
2. Impersonation- a man can't certainly impersonate the Queen--she's a woman!
3. Boundaries- how can you overstep yr boundaries when yr profile pic clearly shows that you are a Nigerian, and judging by that probably did a copy and paste because the first words were all aligned to the left which means u used a phone whose browser's setting view is on 'mobile' view.
Chil man, I just figured what your temperament is using your way of thinking, answering to contradiction, and your profile pic.
BTW, it was a funny letter.

zeekz: I saw dis somewhere and decided to share it dnt u have a sense of humour, u don't have to b serious all d time. FYI no lectures today

..sorry..,it's sense of humor i av nt that one of 'humour'..LOL !..Congratz 4 the no lecture stuff.,i guess na those small small uni. U dey.

merzybenedict: ..sorry..,it's sense of humor i av nt that one of 'humour'..LOL !..Congratz 4 the no lecture stuff.,i guess na those small small uni. U dey.

Nope just a lecture free day. "humour" my bad

hod898:
Tch, I was only joking too. I just wanted to pull yr legs.
Here, I started with pray which is mostly used in ancient England, although it's still been used today.
2. Impersonation- a man can't certainly impersonate the Queen--she's a woman!
3. Boundaries- how can you overstep yr boundaries when yr profile pic clearly shows that you are a Nigerian, and judging by that probably did a copy and paste because the first words were all aligned to the left which means u used a phone whose browser's setting view is on 'mobile' view.
Chil man, I just figured what your temperament is using your way of thinking, answering to contradiction, and your profile pic.
BTW, it was a funny letter.

I get u now and yeah it was a copy and paste I saw it on fb.

@ OP, very funny, I particularly liked 11, especially when they called American footballers nancies.

@ Others, if you don't understand the joke or find it funny, move on, no ned attacking the OP