MY “NIGERIAN” PASTOR and I. by Toby Mystique
Lately it’s been tougher for me to be in church services, every now and then I hear or see something that makes me cringe. It common saying now for “My Nigerian Pastor” to say “this is where God answers prayers” while pointing at his alter or refer to his church building as “God’s presence”. That would be an excellent sales pitch anytime except we are also required to think of God as omnipresent. That’s very similar to telling you that you need to be in my house to breathe because that’s where the “air” is. (Neither temple nor this mountain… ring a bell?)
“I am the good shepherd and know my sheep… and they (my sheep) shall hear my voice and there shall be ONE fold and one shepherd… My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow ME.”
I have a Theory “If you have been in a religion for three years and you have not heard the voice of the God you claim to serve, you’re in the wrong religion or you’re doing something wrong. Chances are If He can’t talk to you, your God doesn’t exist after all”.
It’s perturbing how Christianity in Nigeria so split, it couldn’t be more further apart. Some have labeled it sin to wear jewelry. Many have caused controversy over patterns of worship, shoes, a television set, and peer down their noses at those who are “worldly”. For a unit that is supposed to function as one body, it’s appalling. Can one Supreme Being be really so confused about the liberties HE allows his subjects or our very religious practice and things we do are figments of My Nigerian pastor’s imagination. The silly part is the average religious person has no reason or conviction for doing what he does except the popular saying “that’s what papa/senior pastor/daddy in the lord said”
I know it’s a requirement that “believers” be as “sheep” hence the credulous followership however what is more important is that every sheep must decide his shepherd. Else ways, one sheep’s head itches and a thousand sheep are scratching.
My Nigerian pastor has made it a habit to scare people to God by listing the evils of the world and perils of hell rather than God’s love. It’s the reason thanksgiving prayers get unenthusiastic responses unlike the prayer against evil which attracts shudders and thunderous “Amens”. Scare tactics works wonders. When applied in the right proportions, you can get a person to do unimaginable things.
Imaginable crazy things done while seeking the “fruit of the womb”, prosperity, healing, spouse and conditioned miracles My Nigerian pastor is notorious for “providing”.
This unyielding, inexplicable, bizarre need for a human shepherd is the reason a “prophetic declaration” for a year will be declared in a church of thousand and only one person “daddy in the lord” would have heard it. Same reason “father in the lord” can give strange instructions and no one has any clue if it’s really God’s will or not.

On the subject of money, every time the bible says “sow’ or “plant”, all my Nigerian pastor sees are offerings, tithes and sowing into the ministry. Apparently all the scriptures after that order have nothing to do with investment or entrepreneurship. If he could, “My Nigerian Pastor” will adjust the scriptures a little so that the wise guy that Traded with his five talents would have sowed it in the ministry or partnered with ministry. That’s a word I rarely understand anymore-partnership. Any typical Nigerian church website, television program or handbill contains bank account details that members are supposed to pay money into in order to “partner with God” and therefore “partake of his blessings” Unfortunately, there are only inlets. You can walk across five thousand churches in five thousand denominations and yet not see a single church owned orphanage, relief center, school, hospital (oh I forgot, daddy in the lord doesn’t use drugs), maternity centers, shelters for the homeless or scholarship schemes. Despite not having all these things, it’s almost impossible to sit through a Sunday service and not hear about a church project that needs money. Some churches have schools that are not affordable even for her members even though the school was built mostly with their contribution. When some churches manages to give things freely to the society, it’s simply advertising. Everything they give out is branded with Pastor and his wife’s pictures and location of the nearest branch of the church which are mostly publications and very rarely the basic human necessities.
However there’s always enough for private jets and the most expensive bulletproof cars. My Nigerian Pastor buys a jet {definitely with church money} and registers to his name, chances are that the jet will be included in his will. My Nigerian Pastor also believes (maybe not with words but absolutely in deeds) that God blesses “His servants” and there should be food in His house. It’s not like He cares for the hungry homeless sinners who are not in his servant’s ministry especially since they’ve not been a part of the “sowing” they shouldn’t partake of the harvest.
My Nigerian pastor has reserved the front cushioned seats for the most wealthy and affluent members of the society especially politicians who can pay millions for “Thanksgiving”. I heard a church charged “gate fees” once. Well, need I say more?
Considering that it’s required that Christians be “the light of the world”, I have to wonder when my Nigerian pastor will deem it fit to turn on these lamps or we still need more money next Sunday.
I would never saddle anyone with the burden to be anyone’s role model. While I admire the desire of Tiger woods to be the best in the world at something {golf}, there’s not much else I’d like to “copy”. It should be the same for My Nigerian pastor. While I like your “dressence”, the eloquence with which you deliver your “sales pitch” and maybe your haircut, it shouldn’t go beyond that. Alas, pastors here have placed themselves {usually with the help of members} on pedestals too high. Being so “godly”, they pitch “instructions” about everything. It’s saddening when pastors “tout” that they haven’t taking medication in 50 years really never stressing the need for exercises, good meals and rest. Or in similar manner how money came from a miracle text message when they were broke. Members who must look like their “fathers in the lord” then abandon medical check-ups or leave work to pray in churches on weekday mornings. Forgetting it’s the work of your hand that God will bless. The pastor who has worked on Sunday may have earned the right to sit at home and “call money forth”. But “lotteries” are won by those who buy the tickets. Misguided bible interpreters forget that it was fishermen that worked, and then caught the fish that had money in its belly. The fish didn’t come to crusade grounds.
“My Nigerian pastor” will tout “expert” opinions on
Health, finances, marriage, education. Disregarding the Idea that he possibly can’t be omniscient. Unless of course he was once a successful doctor, an accomplished entrepreneur, an effective marriage counselor and a professor before “finding his calling”.



This is what Christ saw in the Pharisees and foresaw when he said we should nobody on earth our “father”. While it’s nice to have an “upright” father in the lord, what happens when another “father” has short-comings? A pastor stumbles and the faith of thousands is at stake. Some pastors have completely blurred the lines between politics, Ministry and God’s voice. Making atheists questions the divine leading that led to political pitfalls. Others have been accused and often disgraced outside the country with money laundering cases. Some serial divorcees, some linked with election rigging and weapons dealing{soldiers of …) Imagine thousands of confused children.

While I’m not exactly qualified to speak on the subject of marriage yet, I get baffled when I hear a pastor and his wife live continents apart for years. Tyler Perry movie title comes to mind. “Why on earth did you get married?” Still, we wonder when stories of adultery and pregnancy spring up like weeds. The concept of marriage is summarized in the idea of leaving the parents and cleaving to spouse. If my Nigerian pastor has felt the need to marry, at some point he’ll also feel the need to cleave whether his spouse is within “cleaving” distance or not. While “senior pastor” needs to stay at the headquarters in Nigeria, the offering basket at the London “office” has gotten so big that it can no longer be entrusted to pastor’s brother. Pastor’s wife has to stand watch closely. Yet we wonder why it’s a common saying that pastor’s children are often the worst behaved. Funny still, younger pastors in the ministry will model their marriages after senior pastor’s and stay kilometers apart.
Isn’t it ironic that pastors who have the Atlantic and Pacific oceans between their marriages and children always have a thing or two to say on the pulpit about how to co-exist and run successful homes? I like it when the Catholics say “baptized and PRACTICING Catholics” That at least awakens some sense of requirement which is sorely lacking with my Nigerian pastor.
Some are so encumbered and have busied themselves with church and leave little time for family. Many plan their entire calendars around monitoring the branches nationwide and across the globe. My Nigerian Pastor is scared of taking a two-week vacation with just his family not minding the church. I’m tempted to think he’s scared he’ll lose his flock because he hasn’t gathered them to the true shepherd but to himself. He simply thinks of himself as shepherd. Yes, the true Shepherd never takes a break. It’s sad some sheep have deluded themselves into thinking they are shepherds at the expense of their nuclear families. Finally when the marriages then fail, the wives are always to blame. Sometimes, because the wives cannot understand “daddy’s” divine call to mission but most importantly because the daddy is “god”. He therefore is always right and therefore cannot possibly have any fault in the matter.
It’s a common thing now for members to copy My Nigerian Pastor’s talking style, accent, walking steps and gestures. How mature?
“But we all with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the lord are changed into the same image from glory to glory even as by the spirit of the lord”
Before you throw stones, please let me layout my major concern and hopefully you’ll worry with me a little. There’s a spirit in man, the breath of God that gives us understanding, our real essence. Upon death that spirit will be “incorruptible” and will be “judged”. At this point, the spirit of man will be completely honest, incapable of lies and should have full awareness of Life and its essence. Yet at this point, Jesus talked about some very unfortunate souls that even after death are still completely confused.
“Many will say to me in that day, Lord Lord, have we not prophesied/cast out devils/partnered/done miracles/sowed in thy name? Then I will profess I NEVER knew you, depart from me, ye that work iniquity”
So it means on judgment day, some will be so convinced within themselves they served God when in fact they didn’t?
“Not everyone that says lord lord with me shall enter into the kingdom of heaven but he that doeth the will of my father which is in heaven”
Is it not incumbent upon us to find out exactly what the will of God is especially when there are too many conflicting wills?
If you find that you’re doing something “SOLELY and SIMPLY” because your Nigerian pastor commanded it, I dare say it’s sad. You’re gambling and your odds are not good. I know there are “prophets” who bill out “instructions” from “God”. However, if you can’t hear those instructions for yourself, how long before you heed a wrong one. There’s a reason the veil of the innermost part of the temple tore, we all now have access, we are all prophets, we all should hear from God directly else we’re lost. (Right now I’m whistling the song “#do nothing till you hear from ME#”)
My second theory is this “the need to be credulous is religion’s greatest strength yet its biggest weakness”
“In religion is light enough to see and darkness enough to blind but choose light” It’s important that we be led by nothing and most especially no one else.
“For as many as are led by the spirit of God, they are the sons of God, for ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear but ye have received the spirit of adoption whereby we cry Abba Father. The spirit itself beareth witness with our spirits that we are the children of God”

Ugh

too long

*yawns* whoever read that should summarise biko

hard to read

see the way all the posters above me are complaining that the op's write up is too lengthy where as some of u spend a lot of time reading sexcapade in the romance section that is much more lengthier than op's post and would ask for more. God is watching u on 3D. @ op, well said. It is so disheartening to know that contemporary believers are now shifting attention from Christ the true shepherd and the solid foundation of the christian faith, to their church's presiding pastors and overseers.

Well said. However, with time people will begin to see the truth. But I don't like the fact that most of the write-ups were centered around a particular man, the writer should have captured other awful things perpetrated by Nigerian pastors