A good number of people place blame on mother-in-laws for being too hostile to their son's wife, and others say that the wife is being excessively ungrateful to the older woman. Even when there appears to be no battle between the two ladies...small sparks of tension are born under the surface.

The mother raised the man to fruition, she loves him more than anyone in the world. The wife needs him more, he's the man of her life.

The mother wants the son to be there when she grows old and tired. The wife is only starting her journey and can't face the challenges of the world on her own.

The mother knows her son better than anyone else. The wife is the one who shares the man's daily situations.

The mother is experienced and can give a lot of advice to the son. The wife is the one who shares the man's principles and ideas and together they plan their life.

The mother will do anything for her son. The wife will do anything for her husband.

To me, there's nobody to blame. Mothers would like to see their sons every single day because of the great love they have for them. It depends on the situation. Some mothers are widows, they are lonely and need to be checked on every single day. Some wives are orphans, or their fathers live so far away, so her husband is the only man in her life and the only one to protect her.

The mother had her experience in marriage and raising kids...now it's the wife's turn. That's why a man should live and eat with his wife when they get married rather than his mother. But his mother remains the most deserving of his kindness.

My personal opinion is young people, men or women, need space to work out their lives so they'd be eager to return to their roots when they grow a bit, instead of being eager to break free from their parents forever, a lot of people get married only to break free of their parents control.

Please share your thoughts. If you're a mother, do you feel that your son is taken away from you by his wife or that she's unworthy of him? And to wives, Is your husband sometimes absent in important periods/ moments of your life because he stays too often with his family (mother) ?

This is strictly for d mature-in-heart peeps..leme await their comments 1st..

Mothers and wives play great roles in the lives of their sons and husbands. The greater task lies with the man in trying to balance this relationship between his wife and mom. Both women for one reason or the other tries to get the attention of the man; it is the responsiblity of the man to establish the right foundation of relationship between his wife and mom.

One very key issue is mutual respect. The man should let mama know he is married now and his first loyalty goes to his wife and immediate family, while letting wifee know that this is mama and will always remain mama and no amount of contention and antagonism will make him renounce his mother. Yes, there may be instances where some mothers inlaw are bent on frustrating their daughters inlaw, that not withstanding, if you as a wife are on the same page with your husband, give her time, she will come around. Dont also forget, you're a daughter inlaw today, you will be a mother inlaw tomorow. If you want to eat maize tomorow, plant it today. Do unto others, what you would want be done unto you. Patience is the key, mamas are old and there is the tendencies to act childish at-times, over look it and show some love, you will be suprise how easy you will win them over.

I just kept wondering why sons inlaw and fathers inlaw are not having these fights too.

A mother doesn't know her son better like you said, a wife does, a son can pretend before his mum so as not to offend her. Nevertheless, both mother and DIL should know that is no competition, wives should encourage their husbands to be there for their mums, its not easy giving up ones son. A good MIL should not exceed her boundaries, unfortunately/ fortunately your son is 1 with another, treat her with love and you did have both son and daughter in them.

Abeg enough of all these comparism threads!
R u all kids?
What about dads abi we dont have wonderful dads?
What about bad and mean mothers?

And while u r at it, u can marry ur mother or call ur wifey mother.

No competition abeg. A man is not some prized bull to be fought over, he is a living breathing human being with his own challenges and having 2 dear ones always trying to devour each other asking him to take sides shouldnt be an added problem.

A mother is a mother, a wife is a wife. If only we would stop eye service and pretence we would have a great easy relationship.
Both should be real and have a defined relationship with boundaries. Be honest and clear so you can both understand each other, dont pretend just so you can marry her son and start forming village champion later.

Have a clear, clean and honest mind when meeting your mother in law if possible avoid african magic and Patience Ozokwor movies

Make room for her, and include her in your plans as you would your mother.

That being said, even though people keep saying eye service works, I cant keep up. Being ones self has always worked better for me.

Nonso23:


EOD.
The respect sons give to their mothers is completely different from that accorded to wives.
He will always be her son, her greatest sidekick and student.
He will always be your husband, your best friend and teammate.
Attempt to usurp that balance and have yourself to blame.

Why can't wives watch and emulate the relationship between FILs and their Husbands??
It's all about balance.

Thats all jare. I imagine being a man and having to constantly come in between 2 adults " mama said" " your wife did".

The thing with father in law and son in law relationship is low expectations and zero pretence in most cases. With women, the girl somehow feels the need to go over board and show she is respectfully, homely, a good cook, can cook and clean etc. The girl forgets that this pretence is not just for a day but she will have to keep it up for a life time.

You go washing clothes waking up 5 am to sweep compound when in in reality you wake up at 8 am. Be yourself jare. " lelax" you have a lifetime to build a rapour

Nonso23:

I can relate to what you just said.
Notwithstanding the fact that a mother wants the best for her children (son in this case), she is always ready to lighten her out of this world expectation for his choices including his choice for a wife.
Women don't know this: Before you meet with his mum your husband has done all the necessary 'brainwashings' to make the meeting as comfortable for you as possible. The moment you go there and start acting the role of 'superwife' she'll spot your game and update her records. She is a woman like you albeit much more experienced.
The initial air of caution she'll carry around you is just a woman thing. Be yourself, if you meet your husband's criteria, you've met his mother's. She raised him after all. His are her values maybe a little modified.
FIL and SIL relationship is very open and honest. The father just bases assessment on his daughter's recommendations. The husband sees no reason to go overboard with pretentious acting. They respect their unique roles and life goes on.

I agree, however some mothers can be domineering and outrightly possessive. No one is good enough for their son. So from day one battle line is drawn.
The thing to do in most cases is dont get involved in family drama. Just be nice and polite don't go overboard trying to be the new favourite pet, let her son handle it. Be calm, nice and polite, when snide comments come be firm and straight " ah mama that wasnt nice now"

If wives can take their mother in laws as their own mother and mother in laws do the same there will be no problems, instead of looking at each other as rivals.Everybody have their own roles to play and they are different persons nobody can interchange each others place, both of them are important.

SuperMartins:
This is strictly for d mature-in-heart peeps..leme await their comments 1st..

lol, but meanwhile, you've booked a space uh?

simplyOJ:
Mothers and wives play great roles in the lives of their sons and husbands. The greater task lies with the man in trying to balance this relationship between his wife and mom. Both women for one reason or the other tries to get the attention of the man; it is the responsiblity of the man to establish the right foundation of relationship between his wife and mom.

One very key issue is mutual respect. The man should let mama know he is married now and his first loyalty goes to his wife and immediate family, while letting wifee know that this is mama and will always remain mama and no amount of contention and antagonism will make him renounce his mother. Yes, there may be instances where some mothers inlaw are bent on frustrating their daughters inlaw, that not withstanding, if you as a wife are on the same page with your husband, give her time, she will come around. Dont also forget, you're a daughter inlaw today, you will be a mother inlaw tomorow. If you want to eat maize tomorow, plant it today. Do unto others, what you would want be done unto you. Patience is the key, mamas are old and there is the tendencies to act childish at-times, over look it and show some love, you will be suprise how easy you will win them over.

I just kept wondering why sons inlaw and fathers inlaw are not having these fights too.

I totally agree and can relate to that, and about the bold, I wonder too myself , maybe it's em been men.
All this wives and mothers have the tendency to nag alot and to them, maybe everything is a competition; He's my son... He's my husband ish..

moca:
Abeg enough of all these comparism threads!
R u all kids?
What about dads abi we dont have wonderful dads?
What about bad and mean mothers?

And while u r at it, u can marry ur mother or call ur wifey mother.

mummy or daddy issues, which one of them is yours?

And who said the sole purpose of the thread is comparison?
The focal points here is the husband, the ability to balance the scale between the two most important women in his life accordingly, if you have anything to say about wonderful dads or bad and mean mothers, well, by all means... share your thoughts!

beeevan:
A mother doesn't know her son better like you said, a wife does, a son can pretend before his mum so as not to offend her. Nevertheless, both mother and DIL should know that is no competition, wives should encourage their husbands to be there for their mums, its not easy giving up ones son. A good MIL should not exceed her boundaries, unfortunately/ fortunately your son is 1 with another, treat her with love and you did have both son and daughter in them.

well, a son that will pretend for as long as 20 years counting from adolescent age should as well assume that life of pretense, however, if the mother after all the years spent together with the son before he becomes someones' husband and still doesn't know her son, I wonder how the wife can.

If I understand your concept of "understanding" with respect to the context, then, I believe the problem lies with the son and not the mother. I bet the wife would face similar difficulty as the mother.

Good thoughts though!

marbee:
If wives can take their mother in laws as their own mother and mother in laws do the same there will be no problems, instead of looking at each other as rivals.Everybody have their own roles to play and they are different persons nobody can interchange each others place, both of them are important.

you see now my dear, that's the thing...
I sometimes think that the female species (a large percentage ) have been hard wired to compete amongst themselves;

female friends vs female friends
mother vs wife

if only ...

Is this even supposed to be a topic for discussion?

What kind of mother goes about competing with her DIL? That's the height of immaturity.

What kind of wife goes about trying to show she's in charge to her MIL? That's just too childish.

Adults should behave like adults for feck's sakes, the two women are important in his life and the roles are self explanatory, no need for drama.

moca:
Abeg enough of all these comparism threads.

I just wonder how these people were raised, they seem to consider themselves normal.

pawn89:


lol, but meanwhile, you've booked a space uh?

Lolzz..nah,am not 1 of 'em spacebookers..av never been 1..

If you have to choose between your mother or wife, you have to choose the wife as the saying goes "a happy wife, a happy life"

dis issue is 4 me.i dislyk my mother in law grtly cos of her attitude 2wds me.my weddng day.she allows ha daughtrz cntrl her.i rarely visit her.or want anytin 2do wit them.it hurts even wen they try 2 flow.they caused quarrel on my wedding day over meat.serious quarrel.my sis in law vowed my weddng wil nt last.this is two yrz ago bt since then.am scared to be close 2 them.dip dwn though they desperately want 2 flow.anytym i rmbr dat word.i jst choose 2 kip i n my kid øff.

Rosarie:
dis issue is 4 me.i dislyk my mother in law grtly cos of her attitude 2wds me.my weddng day.she allows ha daughtrz cntrl her.i rarely visit her.or want anytin 2do wit them.it hurts even wen they try 2 flow.they caused quarrel on my wedding day over meat.serious quarrel.my sis in law vowed my weddng wil nt last.this is two yrz ago bt since then.am scared to be close 2 them.dip dwn though they desperately want 2 flow.anytym i rmbr dat word.i jst choose 2 kip i n my kid øff.

Opps,pls find a place in ur hrt 2 forgive dem

pawn89:


well, a son that will pretend for as long as 20 years counting from adolescent age should as well assume that life of pretense, however, if the mother after all the years spent together with the son before he becomes someones' husband and still doesn't know her son, I wonder how the wife can.

If I understand your concept of "understanding" with respect to the context, then, I believe the problem lies with the son and not the mother. I bet the wife would face similar difficulty as the mother.

Good thoughts though!

The aspect of a man a mother sees and know is not the same aspect the wife knows, can't go into details now.