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It has often been said that we shouldn't take panadol for others headache. But that is what I've been facing as I have been having a migraine ever since my friend spoke to me regarding what is happening to her in her marriage.

We have always been close in a friendship that spans over ten years. We were teenagers then and that was when she met her now husband.

I and him lived in the same estate but we were not particularly close. So it was a surprise when he approached me regarding my friend after he saw her with me.

I neither encouraged nor discouraged her. I myself had promised not to go into a relationship too young but I allowed her take her decision herself.

Her decision was not to date him. Moreover, she had her childhood sweetheart. And so they parted amicably.

Some ten years later, they re connected again when I gave them both each other's number. Before I knew it, they were planning a wedding. Before I could blink, they got married.
A few months before her wedding, She had an op to remove growth from her uterus, and had been advised to get pregnant ASAP before a regrowth and that could have been the motivation for the quick wedding.

He was aware of the op, in fact that was where the courtship started from as he was visiting her in the hospital and at home after discharge prompting her dad to ask him about his intentions.

He said he wanted to marry her and dad simply said: "Bring your people".

We had always resolved that we wouldn't have seex before marriage and so she was a Virgin.
Some days after the wedding I visited her. And she told me they had consummated the marriage but her hubby wasn't always keen on making love. But she said he was most fun when he'd been drinking.

Some months after, he was transferred to another state. And that was when their little troubles escalated.

Note that at this time, she hadn't taken in.

I don't want to go into stories but now he hasn't been home in two years and rarely allows her come see him. She said they are more or less strangers and he rebuffs all efforts she makes to get closer. He has told her they made a mistake, and they should get divorced.
He blames her for their childlessness and still wouldn't make an effort either by tests, or even having seex.

When she tries to initiate it, he screams at her to stop rubbing against him like a cat. When she quietly asks him, he says he doesn't feel like.
When he does feel like, he can't get it up unless he watches Indecency. And eventually the way he does it is cold and clinical. She might be working in the kitchen and he calls her. When she comes out, she finds him playing Indecency on the TV. She is expected to sit and watch. After then, she undresses and he sleeps with her.

She said the day she tried to protest against watching it, he switched it off and asked her to leave. So she has learnt to keep quiet.

She says she has forgotten what a kiss feels like either in bed or out of it. He dives straight between her legs without preamble, immediately after watching Indecency without kissing or touching her.
She said he sometimes loses turgidity during the act, causing him to lash out at her in anger and telling her it is a testimony of their incompatibility, that his girlfriends always have to beg him to stop when he sleeps with them.

He told her it has happened even on their bed and that if she doubts it she can watch him call another girl and listen to her beg for mercy when he's sleeping with her.

Hmmm..see problem

He calls other girls in her presence and he doesn't give a darn, telling them on the phone "I love you too". In her presence oo.

He criticicizes the way she walks, talks, and her toiletries, implying she is like an old woman.
I don't even know what to tell her. I feel so sad, down and helpless.

I'm getting married soon myself, will I encourage her to leave this man? Even though God forbid, I myself wouldn't stay in such a situation.

To top it off, he has refused to go for even a simple sperm analysis with her. Even when she herself has undergone a battery of tests, some very painful. She has stimulated her ovaries at the danger of having a uterine lump regrowth. She takes supplements. She fasts and prays. And then he refuses to touch her like a baby would drop from heaven.

Hmmm

I am beginning to think he is the one with the issue.
Why hasn't any of his numerous girlfriends missed her period, NOT EVEN ONCE.

I learnt a girl even stayed with him for months, the time he was most adamant about his wife not visiting. Why didn't this girl get pregnant?

My friend said she saw a test result in his bag while attempting to wash clothes. And my friend, as naive as ever neither photocopied or even made note of the strange medical terms.

The next day, the test result had disappeared.

If all was truly well, why didn't he tell her he had gone for a test and was okay. Why not flaunt the result like he did his girlfriends?

Why keep quiet about it?

Whenever she asks him to go to the hospital with her he becomes angry and says he is okay. Capitalising on her operation as the reason they are childless.

Na wa oo!

Is she employed?
If she is, let her walk out of the bondage she's in, in the name of marriage. At least, she would be able to take care of herself.

I know it's not easy walking out on someone you love but the humiliation is too much abeg.

Anthoniaz

I subtly implied the idea yesterday but she said she was waiting for him to take the step. That people would say she packed out of her husbands house.

She has a manageable job. It's not like he gives her so much money that would make a difference if she left him...

.

aameyah:
Anthoniaz

I subtly implied the idea yesterday but she said she was waiting for him to take the step. That people would say she packed out of her husbands house.

She has a manageable job. It's not like he gives her so much money that would make a difference if she left him...

It's well.

Sometimes I just wonder how people change overnight...shows it was just pretence all along, he didn't love her.
May God help us . I get scared reading these types of stories.

Speechless. Your friend needs advice from experienced minds on this forum Chaircover ,EfemenaXY etc you are needed here

aameyah:
Please give us ideas of what to do. She confided in me alone as she cannot tell her parents all this. I don't know what to tell her and my head has been aching me seriously. I am even now scared of my upcoming nuptials too.

Please I beg you all. Save a soul as you give your advice. ..

Truth is, you can't help her.She has to make up her mind to live her life and be happy again.No matter what you or anyone tell her, if she's not ready to take a bold step, she's not.She has to decide what she wants for herself.

^
Sigh

@OP:

The first step is to tell her parents everything if this is true. This is a much bigger problem than advices from the net.

What if she gets pregnant tomorrow and he does not want the baby? or another crazy thing?

Biko straight to her parents

We women should learn to be more rational and logical with our thinking. Why struggle to make a baby with a man that isn't ready to be a husband, let alone a father? What exactly does she intend to achieve with a pregnancy from this man? This man is even decent enough to show his disgust and has requested for a divorce, he is a better man than those that will string you along only to betray you at last. The society she is worried about will move on with their lives even if she dies today, so why on earth is she worried about peeps that really don't give a shi*t? Tell your friend to have some self esteem, let her love herself, if she develops HBP, this man will keep banging, she dies, banging continues, so what does she want out of this life? To answer Mrs or to live, which ever she choses is ok by me but let her stop the complaints.

She alone can make the decision to move on or stay in the marriage. The most you can do is provide a place for her to sleep when the kasala bursts

But she needs to tell her parents..this has past the stage of marriage confidentiality, her life is at stake, the trend usually ends up with him moving from emotional abuse to physical abuse

Also let he be aware that if any of the girls outside get preggy for him, then definitely that marriage will end, The guy just needs a child not necessarily a spouse

aameyah:
Please give us ideas of what to do. She confided in me alone as she cannot tell her parents all this. I don't know what to tell her and my head has been aching me seriously. I am even now scared of my upcoming nuptials too.

Please I beg you all. Save a soul as you give your advice. ..

Don't be scared of tying the nuptials, just have it in mind that marriage is not a do or die affair and believe it, you will be just fine.

Whats with our people and " what people say "? Those people are they suffering with her in the house? She better tell her parents and leave before she catches HIV from this lout. A man looking to prove his manhood will go sleeping without condoms with all sorts. Does she have a death wish? Abeg am out of here I have little patience for women who refuse to have any self love or value just love playing the perpetual victim

Her dad has washed his hands off the issue as she refused to heed his advice. I think I'll advice her to talk to her mum.

I told her that she needs to react some times when he acts up. She said there was a time she did and he told her she would just burst a vein and she would just die. That he would just get married sharply to someone else...

aameyah:
Her dad has washed his hands off the issue as she refused to heed his advice. I think I'll advice her to talk to her mum.

I told her that she needs to react some times when he is abusive. She said there was a time she did and he told her she would just burst a vein and she would just die. That he would just get married sharply to someone else...

Please stories of women who died by their spouse hands abound, maybe you should share some with her. Someone mentioned AIDS..let her start testing herself.

No marriage is perfect so this should not deter you, sometimes people change, sometimes bad things happen but that shouldn't get you scared. Her situation has entered the crazy part of the scale and that is why extreme reactions are needed, Her life is at stake!!!

Your friend's self esteem presently can only be measured by a "telegraphic" compound microscope. The more her self esteem erodes, the more she is stucked and dependent on him.

First thing first, she still have parents, they must be informed of this to start regaining her lost confidence. No matter what, her parents wouldn't forsake her.

Seems the guy doesn't want her again and is doing everything to frustrate her in leaving the marriage.

She has to choose between two choices...

1. Keep it to herself, stay on with the abuse and keep praying for change (Impossible is nothing).

2. Take her destiny in her hands.

I like the fact the husband is really a straight forwad person.

If she dies of Hbp,no one should point fingers at him...he alredy told her about his extra marital affairs.the choice is hers to make.

What advice did her dad give her? You mentioned parents aren't aware.

What is she so scared of? What is crippling her from making the necessary move out of that doomed place?

.

byvan:
We women should learn to be more rational and logical with our thinking. Why struggle to make a baby with a man that isn't ready to be a husband, let alone a father? What exactly does she intend to achieve with a pregnancy from this man? This man is even descent enough to show his disgust and has requested for a divorce, he is a better man than does that will string you along only to betray you at last. The society she is worried about will move on with their lives even if she dies today, so why on earth is she worried about peeps that really don't give a shi*t? Tell your friend to have some self esteem, let her love herself, if she develops HBP, this man will keep banging, she dies, banging continues, so what does she want out of this life? To answer Mrs or to live, which ever she choses is ok by me but let her stop the complaints.

Thank you for saving me from typing a long epistle. whats the motivation for remaining in that marriage? the man has made it clear from day one that he wants a divorce and that the marriage was a mistake. What does she want again? Is marriage by force? Is it until the situation gets physical, abuse creeps in and he points a gun at her head before she knows she should leave that dead zone called marriage?

Your friend met the man ten years earlier and felt nothing for him because she also had a childhood sweetheart.
Now ten years later she met the same man, while in the hospital and because the doctor had advised her to get a baby fast, she married him fast.

The problem is that the man was probably in love with that teenage girl he met ten years ago as a young man. His feeling for her was also complexly intertwined with his youth and the young and carefree time. Meeting a woman from the past he felt taken back in time.
Once he got married he suddenly discovered that the dream he had of her then was not the reality that he got.

The woman too could not work on it, because she was not attracted to the man , not ten years ago and not now. The man left so shortly after the wedding and you did not mention why she did not follow him.

She does not arouse the man and cannot join in his fantasy because she is doing it to get pregnant and he has a vivid imagination and wants a partner he can live it out with, while she is frigid.

The man is being secretive because he somehow feels betrayed and used.

So the question is what next?

Sophyrocks:


Thank you for saving me from typing a long epistle. whats the motivation for remaining in that marriage? the man has made it clear from day one that he wants a divorce and that the marriage was a mistake. What does she want again? Is marriage by force? Is it until the situation gets physical, abuse creeps in and he points a gun at her head before she knows she should leave that dead zone called marriage?

If I tell you that I understand these women, am a liar. He has told her that he doesn't want the marriage, can't get what she is hustling for,marriage is not by force mehnnn...

I really appreciate your answers.

Her dad and mum are aware of some of his minor inadequacies. And her dad told her to count her losses and move on.
But what they are not aware of is all the major drama and all the insults.Because her dad washed his hands off the issue when she refused to listen. He started having his reservations right from when they started preparing for the wedding.

I think I have to talk to her to tell them. Maybe a family meeting is the way to go.

My friend is a good girl. Very hard working and all. She's also an excellent cook to booth and unlike most women who got married as virgins is very open with her husband sexually. If only he would approach her with love. I wouldn't call her frigid. How do you enjoy seks with a guy who doesn't touch your body during the act not even once. He doesn't kiss her. He doesn't caress her.
How do you enjoy watching intimacy with a stranger? When he plays it, they both sit apart watching silently. When finished, she undresses and bam, finish!

He stands up and leaves her. C'est finite.

When she cooks he eats and calls a girlfriend to tell her what he is eating. I don't know again ooh. Her parents I think are the best to be of assistance.

,

aameyah:
I really appreciate your answers.
Her dad and mum are aware of some of his minor inadequacies. And her dad told her to count her losses and move on.
But what they are not aware of is all the major drama and all the insults.Because her dad washed his hands off the issue when she refused to listen. He started having his reservations right from when they started preparing for the wedding.
I think I have to talk to her to tell them. Maybe a family meeting is the way to go.
My friend is a good girl. Very hard working and all. She's also an excellent cook to booth and unlike most women who got married as virgins is very open with her husband sexually. If only he would approach her with love. I wouldn't call her frigid. How do you enjoy seks with a guy who doesn't touch your body during the act not even once. He doesn't kiss her. He doesn't caress her.
How do you enjoy watching intimacy with a stranger? When he plays it, they both sit apart watching silently. When finished, she undresses and bam, finish!
He stands up and leaves her. C'est finite.
When she cooks he eats and calls a girlfriend to tell her what he is eating. I don't know again ooh. Her parents I think are the best to be of assistance.
,

She has refused to listen to her own caring father so why should I waste my precious mb advicing someone with a death wish? She is not a baby, she wan die there goodluck see her see road. Obviously in love with the pity party " I am a good girl, I married a virgin, I don't deserve this, why me? Why must my own marriage fail" well shi-t happens let her grow up jare. Meanwhile she is the only one who can give herself any value if she refuses to no one can force her.