Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.
Grandpa (the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after
dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about
half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.


The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents!
Come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted !!!!

Our Dear Santa Singh Wrote a letter to Mr. Bill Gates telling him about his problems.

Letter is given bellow,

Dear Bill Gates,

This letter is from Mr. Santa Singh from Punjab. We have got a computer in our home and we face some Problem, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to Internet we planned to open an email account. But when ever we fill the Form of Hotmail in password field only * comes, But in rest of the fields whatever we typed comes but we faced The problem only in Password field. We checked with Hardware vendor and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we have opened the email account with password *****

But I request you to check this as we our self don't know what is the password!

The next one is that we are unable to enter anything after we shut down the computer. There is a button for start but not for pause, stop as in stereo recorder. We request you to add the same in future.

There is a option as RUN in menu. This one of my neighbor after clicking started running and he has run up to Amritsar from Chandigarh. So we request you change that to SIT. So that we can click that by sitting.

One doubt is that can I click Recycle bin. I own a scooter in my home. Is there a separate option as Re scooter bin available in the system?

The last one is my wife has lost the door key of our house. So I searched for the same in search option of start icon. But I did not find the same there also…Is it a bug?

Rest In next letter.
Yours
Santa Singh

Wife : Honey , What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing, ?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour , ??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

One day while visiting a good friend, the maid approached me and,

Maid: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Maid: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?

Michael: ceylon tea please

Maid: how would you like it, black or white?

Michael: white please

Maid: milk or fresh cream?

Michael: ehhhm with milk

Maid: Goat milk, Cow milk or Breast milk?

Michael: with cow milk, will hv d breast milk in the room please

Maid: freezeland cow or afrikaner cow?

Michael: umm, think I'll just take it black

Maid: would you like it with sweetner, sugar or honey?

Michael: with sugar

Maid: beet sugar or cane sugar?

Michael: cane sugar

Maid: white, brown or yellow sugar?

Michael: Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead

Maid: mineral water, tap water or distilled water?

Michael: mineral water

Maid: flavoured or non-flavoured?

Michael: ahhhh no vex abeg just call my friend. Which kind wahala be dis?

Maid: Ekene, Ngozi, Ejike or Ada

Michael: Bye bye

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested
'I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.' The SDU
officer said, 'Your requirements, please.' 'Oh, good looking, polite,
humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go
out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation
and be silent when I want to rest.' The officer listened carefully and
replied, 'I understand you need television.'

Impossible situation?
Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of
owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The moneylender, who
was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter.

Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the
cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the
matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble
into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from
the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's

debt would still be forgiven.
3) If she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they

talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked
them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black
pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a
pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.
What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her,
what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and
expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to
save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the
hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and
logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional

logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above
logical answers.
What would you recommend to the girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ,
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without
looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path
where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look
into the
bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I
picked.'

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had
picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his
dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an
extremely advantageous one.
The moral of the story?
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't

attempt to think. Start your day with this thought provoking story and
have a fruitful day.
Have a week filled with positive thoughts and sound decisions!

OLD TIMERS AND SEX

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time"s sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I"ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I"ll just keep an eye on them so there"s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in, Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn"t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I"ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must"ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn"t an electric fence."

Great ones there

krama:

Great ones there

Thanks Krama

Very hilarious jokes.Dere,are you an Itsekiri babe?

Dere I:

Wife : Honey , What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing, ?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour , ??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

my favourite keep it up girl

[center]NANNCY ON HER DADDYS BIRTHDAY[/center]

NANNCY:daddyyyyy,daddyyy,dad. :

DADDY:yes my beautiful daughter how was your night?.

NANCY:fine daddy,ehmmmmmm,daddy goodmornig.(daddy stirring at her)

NANCYin a low tone) daddy is today not your birtday?.

DADDY:oh my angel,i know today is my birthday.

NANCY: daddy i have a birthday gift for you,daddy wait for a moment(she ran inside and brought out a package).

NANCY:daddy happy birthday(she gave him the gift)

DADDY:thank you my darling(he open the package)WH, A, T, nanncy what is this?

NANNCY:daddy is condom is good (his daddy felt disappointed)

Shakiratu kan nairaland kan
u no try at all
more more elobow 2 ur grease

STARMERRER  MINUTE MINDER

a man went to hospital with his first son,they met a doctor,the doctor examine him and

gave him some drugs.the doctor told his son  to be giving him the drugs every

minute.wthen they reach home the boy gave his father all the whole drugs and told his

father that immdiatl he said aminute you drink okey his father agreed.He went and stood

by the clock.immidiately it time he said,pppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaapa

ddddddddddddddddddididididiiiiirink am nononononooooooooooooooooot

alllllllllllllallooo,befor he could said not  all  the man has finish all the drugs.

here is my contribution

I would do anything


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "i mean," she whispers, "i would do anything, "

He returns her gaze, "anything?"
"Anything."

His voice softens, "anything?"
"Anything!" She repeats.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you, Study HARD?"

sexyLeamon:

here is my contribution

I would do anything


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "i mean," she whispers, "i would do anything, "

He returns her gaze, "anything?"
"Anything."

His voice softens, "anything?"
"Anything!" She repeats.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you, Study HARD?"

Very good one.

Dere I:

Very good one.

Thanks

two ministers doin missionary work in the south seas are captured by a tribe & tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice- Death or ugga bugga." The first guy says " well i guess ugga bugga"
The chief shouted "ugga bugga" & 20 members of the tribe attacked
& sodomize [anal sex] the 1st missionary. Now it was the 2nd
missionary. The chief asked "ugga bugga or death" He Replied
"well my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so
it would be death". the chief says "Very well and shouts DEATH"
But 1st, UGGA BUGGA

I'm back
@last poster
if homosexual is Uggabuga then wat is the girl to boy sex,

lmao poster

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted !!!!

you wan killam

Kai!!! Na wa ooo

Keep it on Zig!!

Nice jokes Dere

UGGA BUGGA Zig

Dere I:

Very good one.

Is emoticons now jokes?