© 2015. Ebukun Gbemisola Ogunyemi ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

“Come out now o! I no dey follow u play o! which kain nonsense be dis na?” “O o ni jade abi (you won’t come out now abi), ashawo, you don overchop dis time o! ‘Amuofia come out na o, ehn ehn!” Mama Seun was shouting at the top of her voice and banging the door at the same time. . . Sometimes, I wonder what type of microphone is rooted in the woman’s oesophagus. It was just 5.00a.m. in the morning; God knows that my sleep had been murdered; chai! Abi which kain gobe be this one on Saturday morning? I wasn’t lost in my thought that much when the iron hand and microphone-pitched voice of Mama Seun threw me back into reality. “Were, so o ni bo o de ni? (madwoman, won’t you come out) ‘Onyiara’, ‘Onyiochi’ . . . Papa Sola o! Mama Titi, Ada, Eliza! Make una come out o. . .” she continued to rant.

Walking hastily to my door, I was full of laughter to the brim, this woman will not finish me for this compound. “Wetin eyes never see sef. . .? that’s my mind calming me; but wait o, “this smells bad, this one wey Mama Seun don dey alert everyone wey dey No. 5. . .” my other mind was warning me. . . but seriously who cares? I haven’t done anything to be worried for.

Mama Seun’s heavy fist landed on my door again; I held the door knob, trying to open the door but God knows that my mind was long gone, one minute I am feigning ‘wetin she go do’, the other minute, I’m f**king scared and I don’t know which of the feelings is real but something tells me that na the fear real pass. “Shey if I no open the door, she go kill me? she go just frustrate commot na ni” I murmured to myself.

Mama Seun is not one to be toyed with and ever since I became a tenant at No. 5, I have made it a point of duty to always stay in my own lane. I chuckled; “what’s so funny babe?” I said to myself. Nothing much really; (na me dey ask, na me dey answer). Anyways, I just remembered one of my real goons, a brother soon to blow in the music industry wey be say na only shikini time remain, his name is Bragadosa. That’s not his real name though, that’s one of his songs title, but that’s what I call him. He always says “na my lane I dey o”; very funny, but that slogan had kept my relationship with Mama Seun at a sane level. Where should I even start from? Mama Seun’s body structure can make Aki and Pawpaw piss for body if dem try nonsense. She’s black not dark, heavily built, 6.3ft tall with a broad chest that always make me wonder each time I see her, if she be gym instructor in her past life. She’s big from her chest side to the waist line, then from her waist, she con slim no be small. . . I can’t remember what body figure Amaka gave her body but I know say the figure number no dey this world. . . The worst part is she has small tits, like the size of fruit; the biggest size a fruit tree seed can ever be. Why do they even call that thing fruit sef? I chop that thing tire when I small, even till undergraduate days. After I don chop am finish, I go carry heavy stone to break it and eat the groundnut inside it. Hmmm (I sighed), Mama Seun’s tits can be small but she unbelievably fed four kids with that small thing.

Choi! I don miss Amaka o, that girl na proper ‘were’, she can lampoon Mama Seun’s tits like crazy. She go talk say, “wetin Papa Seun dey hold sef?” and na true talk; the man hand big no be small, one hand is as wide as a plantain leaf. It can couple me and Amaka’s boobs together and the hand go still get space and no be fruit tits o! Proper B and C cups. . . Hmmm, I lifted up my eyes and caught the clock, it was already 5.30a.m., Mama Seun still dey shout for there; na she sabi, na when I wan open my door, I go open am.

Walking back briskly into the room, Mama Seun’s voice began to intensify, she wasn’t the only one screaming this time, I could hear murmurings from neighbours. One voice that was distinct enough was Eliza’s. That girl can ‘gbeborun’ for Africa; I’m so sure she would be the first person to come out on Mama Seun’s call.

Eliza and Mama Seun na 5 and 6; always together tending to their daily businesses, and guess what that is, gossiping of course. Me and Mama Seun would have been the closest neighbour at No. 5 but me being me, I don’t mix with ‘hybrids’, I do pure ‘werewolves’ or pure ‘vampires’ only; too much vampire diaries and supernaturals. Elizabeth turned Eliza, thanks to people like Mama Seun. Elizabeth is too ‘Behind’ to pronounce, but Eliza is more Nigerian for her. I almost beat that babe one day, but na ‘tori’ for another day. Eliza already grew to like the way she’s being called. Wetin the yeye girl sabi before; ‘all eyes on me’ and ‘olasanmi’ no be the same thing?

Eliza is a Senior Secondary School 3 student, she is Igbo, born only but bred in our area, she is popularly referred to as ‘Mama Seun’s Igbo Teacher’. Yea right; she is the one who teaches Mama Seun all her sickened Igbo insults she’s been vomiting since morning except that she is a good teacher and Mama Seun na terrible and poor student. Eliza is a black beauty, she’s sharp, intelligent, 5.7ft tall, slim but proportionally ‘hipful’ with a rounded perky breast which she flaunts about in transparent clothes without a girdle to hold them. She always reminds me of my young self back in the days. Her only defect is that she’s highly ‘loose.’

Lifting up my head from where I was seated, the clock sounded and then it dawned on me that it was 7.00a.m. already. I definitely have places to go to today and Mama Seun that I know would never retreat until I surrender. I decided to brace up to the fate at my doorstep, I walked smartly to the door in my hot night-wear, my hands on the door knob with an attempt to unlock it and there it was, I just did.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * Memoirs of A Repentant Hooker is the first episode of this series. I’m glad and encouraged you took your time out to read. Guess you are impressed?. . . Watch out for the next episode soon.[quote][/quote]

Hapi harmattan mornin 2 u op, permision 2 fall in SIR!

Greyworld:
Hapi harmattan mornin 2 u op, permision 2 fall in SIR!

hehehehe granted. Harmattan morning to you too!

Nice writes, I had a nice read!...

Lovely write up. Can't wait for mama Seun to give you the beating of your life

Na this type person go dey pray make the next episode just pop up.
Nice one EGO. Welcome to Literature section on nairaland. You are gonna be big here that I know. But don't let ur updates to be too slow. nice one.

djmask:
Na this type person go dey pray make the next episode just pop up.
Nice one EGO. Welcome to Literature section on nairaland. You are gonna be big here that I know. But don't let ur updates to be too slow. nice one.

thanks djmask. Would work on the updates.

hahn:
Lovely write up. Can't wait for mama Seun to give you the beating of your life

hahahahahahaha!

Phinity318:
Nice writes, I had a nice read!...

thanks phinity.

officialEGO:
thanks phinity.

I just came bak 4rm work, rushed down here,I almost 4get 2 pay keke man e moni and dis is wat I get.......



Its so unofficial

Greyworld:

I just came bak 4rm work, rushed down here,I almost 4get 2 pay keke man e moni and dis is wat I get.......



Its so unofficial

Awwwww! Oya no vex Phinity! It's so not fair truly. . . Take hugz for dis harmaTtan!

officialEGO:


Awwwww! Oya no vex Phinity! It's so not fair truly. . . Take hugz for dis harmaTtan!

Aite I ll manage d hug 4 nw sha.....

. . .And there I stood, it wasn’t a dream. It
was me staring into the bulging faces of
Mama Seun and the beautiful ‘gbeboruns’ of No. 5 pretentiously referred to as neighbours. Staring at each other, we were both lost for words for few minutes. The meeting was so awkward and it was first of its kind in the history of my co-tenancy with Mama Seun.

“Omo ilu mi, ma binu jare, na only you dey house?” Finally she said. I made a prolonged silent hiss motivated by anger and frustration. I was so mad at Mama Seun for spoiling my morning and sabotaging my sleep after all, I wasn’t the one she was looking for obviously.

“Mama Seun, na only me dey
house, wetin happen na?” I asked with a
stern in my voice and a grin at the likes of Eliza, Mama Titi and Papa Chinyere; the clueless neighbours at my doorstep.

“I dey go work o Mama Seun, wetin happen na. Answer the babe o.”

Mtcheeeew! Yeye neigbour, I felt like smacking his head. Old man sha wan talk so tey him no sabi say na weekend we dey, abi person dey go work for weekend? *just wondering*. I let it stride without expanding the comment made by Papa Chinyere so it won’t become a distraction for Mama Seun to jump into.

Papa Chinyere is one of my best neighbours in the compound. Maybe I like him because of his head sha. Bald-
headed men trips me especially those
with pot-belly; it somehow makes it
interesting you know; and my one wish
ever since I got my apartment at No. 5
was to get my hands on Papa Chinyere’s
head whichever way even if it has to be
the best way I know how to. I must before I leave the compound.

“Ma binu jare omo ilu mi.” Mama Seun’s response cut my imaginations and threw me back into the reality of the moment. The woman can ‘famz’ for Africa. The ‘omo ilu mi’ ish is what always makes me tired of her. We both happened to share the same State and Town; the only thing we never shared was our Local Government Areas. She is from the South part, while I came from the North part and we just weren’t really close but she never ceases to maximize any opportunity she has with me to flaunt
the fact that we came from the same
state as if it was some Dubai visa.

“I know say you go don vex since, no vex abeg. I no know say na you dey house na.” She continued.

“So you no even know who dey house before you started shouting and screaming our names to come help you
join in your matter?” Mama Titi added
facing Mama Seun.

“Abi o Mama Titi. Me dey waka go my room o abi na wetin?” Papa Chinyere turned to go.

“Come make we help them settle this matter na. Papa Chinyere! Come back abi na wetin sef? Na only you waka come here? Shoo!. . .”

“Ehn, Mama Titi, e don do abeg. No start
another matter for my doorstep. Only you and Eliza don do to settle why Mama Seun dey bang my room early momo.” I lashed out facing each of them at a pause in utterance.

“Sebi I don tell you say make you no vex na. Ma binu simi, we no fit fight na.”

“I no vex o Mama Seun but who you con dey find?” I replied facing her.

“Na Amaka”

‘Hehehehehehehe’. I laughed weirdly. Somehow, her response threw me off balance. Where con be the meeting of ‘a proper madman’ and ‘an occasional madman’? Maybe at the point of sanity sha.

“Amaka no dey o. She has travelled since yesterday and I don’t think she would be coming back anytime soon that’s even if she’s coming back here at all.” I gushed out.

“Itumo?” she asked eagerly in Yoruba.

“Wetin happen sef Mama Seun? I screamed the words at her; I was already running out of patience but
I couldn’t help but pity her. A typical local
Yoruba wife looking for her man!

“Well, Mama Seun, the itumo be say, Amaka ti travel, ‘mi o mo igba to ma wa’ or better still, ‘ko wa mo’. I emphasized.

The only time I speak my mother tongue is when I’m being frustrated or loosing my patience with someone; but really is that the only time I should express myself in my mother tongue? Who cares? I just hate when you have to repeat something all over and over again. Only God knows where common sense has gone to in this country with some people!

“Well, e be like say you go gimme her number o because I dey find my husband.”

Now, I couldn’t contain my laughter anymore. Amaka and Baba Seun? I really don’t seem to understand.

“But Mama Seun, shey you and Amaka
don dey share your husband ni because I don’t understand what Amaka or Amaka’s number has to do with your husband?”

“Me I sabi wetin I dey talk o plus God save her say I no meet her for house and help me tell her say if she like herself, make she no come back to this compound again o!”

Now, I was really beginning to laugh real hard. Mama Seun na were but her
madness no reach Amaka own. We both
know she’s just bluffing. Somehow I
seemed lost in her conversation, and the
next minute, I was really feeling like I was in control of the whole situation.

“Abeg, shey your husband dey miss ni abi wetin. Fill me in na, Mama Seun, na me o, your omo ilu?” . . . I was beginning to enjoy the whole scenario now.

“Wo, leave me jare. The last time I saw Baba Seun was yesterday morning before I go drop Seun for school and when I came back late in the evening from my outings, I couldn’t find my husband. I asked everyone, checked everywhere till Eliza told me that the last time she saw my husband was with Amaka. E for even better at least; na
the way she saw them gave me concern.”

Choi! Eliza the ‘loose’ girl. When I said she
is loose, that’s what I meant. Loosed-
mouth everywhere. She is the type you
have to be secretive with or else, ‘your
own don done for Africa.’

“How she con talk say she saw them o, Mama Seun?” I asked

“Sebi Eliza sef dey here na, oya talk
na.” Mama Titi interfered facing Eliza with seriousness written all over her face.

“Erm! Erm! Erm!. . .”

Hehehehehehehehe, that was Eliza stammering. Mama Titi and Mama Seun were wondering about the reason for her sudden slow in speech and were
pressuring her to talk but ‘sebi na only
sane person go sabi why insane man dey
chop savage on top refuse dump.’ Indirectly, I sabi wetin dey make Eliza
stammer. She no wan chop another dose
of me, but whether she likes it or not, she must talk. Mama Seun won’t allow her not to and I won’t allow her to miss my dose either!

“Erm, Erm, I saw Aunty Amaka putting a measurement tape around Baba
Seun’s thing!”

“Ah! Lobatan o!” Mama Titi screamed

“Which one con be thing na, you better talk well well.” Mama Seun screamed.

“Erm, I mean say, Aunty Amaka was measuring Baba Seun’s thing.” She said, making gestural description.

“Was she holding it or how she dey take
measure am?”

“Errrm! E don do o Mama Titi!” I lashed out. The woman too like male anatomy but people don’t see it because she gets to hide it well under her ‘spirikoko’ attitude but as Amaka dey take talk am, “Na one robber fit identify the other.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole scenario. Baba Seun isn’t Amaka’s type. Maybe whatever they were doing was misunderstood by Eliza and that one
sef go hear am from me.

“Well, Mama Seun, I would try and reach Amaka for you because her number is presently not available and whatever that was Eliza saw, I’m sure she misunderstood it.”

“Okay o! Sha warn the stupid girl for me, make e no go chop poison one day.” She hissed and left.

Wow! I just had a comic morning of my life. I just lied to Mama Seun about Amaka’s number not reachable but
seriously what would she have said to
Amaka if I had given the number to her?

Well, na she sabi o! I entered my room to
an annoying sound like a grunting of the
pig! Yeah right! That was a man snoring on my bed; yet he has no potbelly and less fat, except for the thing in-between his legs. Been there, done well! Lol!

“Bebe, come to bed now!”

“Thought you still sleeping?” What kind of man snores and yet he is awake? I murmured to myself.

“Been awake since jare! What was that
about?”

“Your wife is such a raging bitch you know. . .

#Episode3 comes out soon!