NL,
This will be my first post on NL have read some encouraging comment on family section here on nairaland so I decide to put my situation here.

I have a daughter from my previous relationship(Gf),she will be 8yrs by april. I met my present GF feb 2011,a student of uniben and we started dating then I left the country december 2012 and we still maintain communication while she goes to my house to visit and maintain a relationship with my people then I came dec 2013 but found out that mum was not keen about her even kicked against any union between but she didn't really give me a sound reason but from all indication I guess it based on tribal differences. I left nigeria again january 25th I travelled back to milan again but before then she told me she was pregnant and we did a scan before I left.

The first year I travelled from april 2013 I fix her on 20k monthly allowance then 2014 wen she took in, I raised her allowance to 30k minimum. She gave birth september 6th of a bouncing baby boy that month on the 1st I gave 102k for her allowance and hospital bills.
She lives with her grand mother then we planned of getting an apartment where she will move closer to school,well all this while when she was pregnant I told my mum but she refuse to call her or pay her a visit. During that around august my eldest sister came from UK and she learnt about d disagreement and tried to settle the issue,so when she gave birth I didn't bother to inform my mum but my eldest sister did because she was still around ,she even went to the girl house and took her to my mum place to make peace,she knelt down n apologise which I don't know what for because I wasn't even informed before she went there then next day my eldest sister pleaded with me to allow them take the child to my house again for the naming ceremony which I consented to.
My eldest sister is back to the Uk and my mum does call my Gf to check on the baby but has never gone to pay a visit.
My Gf has been complaining that her parents are asking questions always but I did call the Dad and I told him when I come I will see him
Dec 2014,I gave my Gf 33k for her allowance and 50k to give her parent for the xmas even 15k to her cousin that lives with that for birthday things
Prior to this time my Gf has been asking me to help her with some school challenges which has to do with money I told I will because I have been so tight with money and she knows. January I have to pay my daughter sch fees which is 40k,my mum allowance is also 30k....gf allownce 30k ,cartoon of hughes pampers,wipe and the child bicycle abt 7k..I gave my gf 53k for january 5th for all these then I told I will help her with the school when I want to send febuary allowance.
On the 23rd january she started asking for febuary money that she is broke and will survive with it till feb end then at about that same time my mum called me n said there a cheap parcel of land that somebdy want to sell that if I hav e moni I shuld bring then I told my Gf...all she could say was that......so I know the plan your mum has for you only covers you and your daughter and not me and my son...I was shocked
The next day I told her I told her I will buy the land then I will send her allowance then 30k extra to do our son dedication that I will give her d school stuff by feb end. The next thing she said was that she had d worst xmas and living d worst life now because of money and that me I send moni to my mum and maintain a good relationship with her when she has not come pay a visit and has a bad relationship with her......I didn't say anything but I just sent 60k for allowance and dedication which said was enough for dedication
Feb 15th she said again that she is broke that she need money but I told her I don't have now till feb end becos of the expenses then we had an argument then she said in her words "who do I have gain from you" wetin I don use your money do"..that I take she and her son secondary while I attend to my family wen they asked for moni .....I told her dec you and your people collected 98k while I gave my mum n 2 sisters 75k,I said since she gave birth I have not given her n my son less than 50k a month but my mum that cares for my daughter take 30k.....I said there are women and there wives but she belongs to the former then she repeated it to me then she deleted me on BBM,FB,whatapp.....I want to end the relationship and just her money for my son only....I'm tired of her

Take it easy and try to understand each other.

It looks like the main problem between you and her is money. If it were not for money, she would not have said what she said.

When is she completing school?
If it's soon, continue supporting her (not only the child). Once she's through, encourage her to look for a job. That will help her meet her financial needs and you guys will be ok. To me she's a nice lady. She even went to apologise to your mum (for God knows what).

Raising a child is not easy. It's not only about the money. When the kid is sick, she has to worry. She also has to worry about the kid when she goes to school. Probably she doesn't sleep at night because the baby cries or is awake. On top of that, you don't know the kind of stress she's passing through at her parents house...In your own words, the father asked about you... If you put yourself in her shoes, you will know that she has tried.

Before this incident, were you planning to marry her?

Op, you need a wife. This business of getting ladies pregnant and leaving them is not good.

if you continue with such spending you`ll get nowhere...
its better you let her go since you are not arund

Melahou:
if you continue with such spending you`ll get nowhere...
its better you let her go since you are not arund

Letting her go means he will have 2 kids with different mothers, and will soon find another baby mama.
Remember, she is a student so how to do expect her to meet her expenses when it's the op that contributed to her predicament? Op has to take responsibility.

When you keep siring babies instead of doing the proper thing by asking for a lady's hand in marriage and doing the formal ceremony,it breeds a lot of problems.
Can you come down to Nigeria,visit the girl's parents and fix a date for wedding?Try and talk to your mother too and find out why she is not on good terms with the lady.

thorpido:
When you keep siring babies instead of doing the proper thing by asking for a lady's hand in marriage and doing the formal ceremony,it breeds a lot of problems.
Can you come down to Nigeria,visit the girl's parents and fix a date for wedding?Try and talk to your mother too and find out why she is not on good terms with the lady.

I agree with you 100%

my brother cut on ur spending o
She has to stop spending dat way but i believe she is getting wrong advice from someone which she has to put an end to for her own sake

She is getting insecure over nothing
She feels she should b getting more believing ur mum and daughter are receiving more than her
So dats y she is demanding more and more

thorpido:
When you keep siring babies instead of doing the proper thing by asking for a lady's hand in marriage and doing the formal ceremony,it breeds a lot of problems.
Can you come down to Nigeria,visit the girl's parents and fix a date for wedding?Try and talk to your mother too and find out why she is not on good terms with the lady.

Good advice.

LadyX:

Letting her go means he will have 2 kids with different mothers, and will soon find another baby mama.
Remember, she is a student so how to do expect her to meet her expenses when it's the op that contributed to her predicament? Op has to take responsibility.

it would have been a different case if he was around...i feel the lady wants to take advantage of the
guy`s absent to extort him. its obvious she`s not prudent and besides she has bad blood with his mum

Oi bro. Take it easy.
January and February months are not easy for most people. Its the beginning of a new year and folks are trying to recover financially from house rent, school fees, Christmas spending etc. And she's feeling all alone without u and battling it put with ur mom...its not easy for her. She's bound to get irritable and angry.

You have really tried with the money you have sent but I can also say she has tried in managing the money too. The time frame she uses to spend the money considering she is taking care of herself and the kids is quite commendable.

I think your mom is setting you up bro. It looks a little suspicious that its now she's telling you to invest in land. I think you should take care of your wife and kids, you'll have time for land purchase later in the year.

I advice you forget the quarrel you guys had over the phone. See it as the rantings of a frustrated woman. Do your best to support her despite what she said, if you cant do it for her do it for the kids. Then when you both must have cooled down call her and talk to her again. When are u coming back to naija. Use the opportunity to spend quality time with her and the kids, am sure she will appreciate it very much. Don't mind what she said, women have a tendency to talk too much sometimes.

It is well.

Melahou:


it would have been a different case if he was around...i feel the lady wants to take advantage of the
guy`s absent to extort him. its obvious she`s not prudent and besides she has bad blood with his mum

That could be true.

@ kodozion, when is she completing her studies?
Answer this question, it will help readers give you more advice.

Nawa oo.. na only you dey your family?? all these expenses you are sharing? Before your salary comes, you have already apportioned it among people..It's good anyway but make sure to have some savings/investment..

Having said that, you need to get married....If you love your present baby mama, reconcile with her and put a ring on her finger..stop the gf thingy pls..All the best..

She's not mature.Try to explain things to her maybe face to face when next you are in the country.A good gf/wife helps her hubby to plan for their future not wasting money here and there.

Op, she's also probably frustrated that you don't see her as part of you and your family. If at all you are going to marry her, please settle everything first so she doesn't see your daughter as her rival.

Ohlordhavemercy! Money issue Na serious issue o. Whew! All this expenses on you alone...Pele.


Don't break up with her but give yourself a break! Try to get a chunck money and send to each setup at once for any biz. 30k, 50k whatever k in this country has very little purchasing power. Believe me, all those Ks na figures!

My advice might be funny but I have to be blunt.

So you make your bed, so you lay on it.

First thing must come first.
Why not marry this lady first ?

Truth be told, the impression you gave this lady about money, she's living on it.

Many families live on less than what you give her as allowance. So, she should make judicious use of it.

You mom is concerned about your future and that's why she invited you to buy the land. That's what good mothers do. Not just asking for money. If anyone in your life can't support you in that regard, should flip off. That person doesn't believe in your tomorrow.

Come home and do the right the thing. Arrange your home the way you want it.
It's not about asking for money every time, it's about the future.

Choi


I pity this girl

I hope she has finished her education though

If not let her dump the baby with your mum and move on With her life

Her supposed helper is now her enemy

I don't even get all the money story but do you think taking care of a child is easy with two parents not to mention one

LadyX:
It looks like the main problem between you and her is money. If it were not for money, she would not have said what she said.

When is she completing school?
If it's soon, continue supporting her (not only the child). Once she's through, encourage her to look for a job. That will help her meet her financial needs and you guys will be ok. To me she's a nice lady. She even went to apologise to your mum (for God knows what).

Raising a child is not easy. It's not only about the money. When the kid is sick, she has to worry. She also has to worry about the kid when she goes to school. Probably she doesn't sleep at night because the baby cries or is awake. On top of that, you don't know the kind of stress she's passing through at her parents house...In your own words, the father asked about you... If you put yourself in her shoes, you will know that she has tried.

Before this incident, were you planning to marry her?

Op, you need a wife. This business of getting ladies pregnant and leaving them is not good.

Thanks
She is in her finals now
When I came dec 2013 I went to see her eldest brother then took a drink to the father to discuss with him but we couldn't talk much because he had visitor that day
Afterward my mum starting acting so I couldn't take the matter further because I almost set to come back to milan
I planned coming this january before that was why I wanted to get her a e bedroom flat but she asked me to suspend it till nov/dec when she round up with final exams
But lately she has been comparing my attention between my son and daughter
Is really annoying because it seems she may divide my children if I let her continue like this
Thanks again
I have always assured her that I will sort things out when I come

thorpido:
When you keep siring babies instead of doing the proper thing by asking for a lady's hand in marriage and doing the formal ceremony,it breeds a lot of problems.
Can you come down to Nigeria,visit the girl's parents and fix a date for wedding?Try and talk to your mother too and find out why she is not on good terms with the lady.

Very funny
Well before I came to nigeria we actually talked about seeing her parents then she get pregnant we will keep it
Just that I never tot my mum will come up with the funny excuses

pickabeau1:
Choi


I pity this girl

I hope she has finished her education though

If not let her dump the baby with your mum and move on With her life

Her supposed helper is now her enemy

I don't even get all the money story but do you think taking care of a child is easy with two parents not to mention one

Lol
She loves the child more than her life
I'm not her enemy,have always been there for her
My first salary when I came here I shred with her even without a baby
Before I started working when my sis came to pay me a visit from uk,she took me for shopping I rather shop for her. With the money and sent the things to her through.....I was just 2 months old
I have been sending her money right from the fourth month I got then started sending my mum from the sixth month
So am not her enemy but just that she is a little stubborn and disrespectful to me

Meringe:
My advice might be funny but I have to be blunt.

So you make your bed, so you lay on it.

First thing must come first.
Why not marry this lady first ?

Truth be told, the impression you gave this lady about money, she's living on it.

Many families live on less than what you give her as allowance. So, she should make judicious use of it.

You mom is concerned about your future and that's why she invited you to buy the land. That's what good mothers do. Not just asking for money. If anyone in your life can't support you in that regard, should flip off. That person doesn't believe in your tomorrow.

Come home and do the right the thing. Arrange your home the way you want it.
It's not about asking for money every time, it's about the future.

Thanks
I already bought the land
She asked I suspend the trip till dec when she is thru with her final exams

5minsmadness:
Oi bro. Take it easy.
January and February months are not easy for most people. Its the beginning of a new year and folks are trying to recover financially from house rent, school fees, Christmas spending etc. And she's feeling all alone without u and battling it put with ur mom...its not easy for her. She's bound to get irritable and angry.

You have really tried with the money you have sent but I can also say she has tried in managing the money too. The time frame she uses to spend the money considering she is taking care of herself and the kids is quite commendable.

I think your mom is setting you up bro. It looks a little suspicious that its now she's telling you to invest in land. I think you should take care of your wife and kids, you'll have time for land purchase later in the year.

I advice you forget the quarrel you guys had over the phone. See it as the rantings of a frustrated woman. Do your best to support her despite what she said, if you cant do it for her do it for the kids. Then when you both must have cooled down call her and talk to her again. When are u coming back to naija. Use the opportunity to spend quality time with her and the kids, am sure she will appreciate it very much. Don't mind what she said, women have a tendency to talk too much sometimes.

It is well.

Hmmmmm
You really got me thinking
Thanks

A daughter out of wedlock?...... Baby Mama 1

A son out of wedlock too? ........ Baby Mama 2

You are planning to separate from the mother of the second child?

Bros, take it easy o. The leave is not greener on the other side

MizMyColi:
Can she get a job?

I mean, can you actually get her something doing?
Does she even talk about you setting her up in business or stuff?
How long does she intend to leave you to do the catering for alone?

I can understand why you're upset.
Money matters can cause a ruse between couples (don't ask me how I know ).

You can't just abandon her now.
Give her grace.

Try your best to reach a working plan with her.
Perhaps she's frustrated about other things that you're not quite sensitive about.

Thanks
She will round up by nov/dec
She has always asked for capital to start up little things but my sister sometimes brings things like clothes from uk for her to sell
Her problem now is that I refuse to help with her school issue
I told her january end but the land issue came up then i said feb end which is this coming monday but she is just too hot body

LadyX:

Letting her go means he will have 2 kids with different mothers, and will soon find another baby mama.
Remember, she is a student so how to do expect her to meet her expenses when it's the op that contributed to her predicament? Op has to take responsibility.

But she's not making thing easy for him...

angelTI:
A daughter out of wedlock?...... Baby Mama 1

A son out of wedlock too? ........ Baby Mama 2

You are planning to separate from the mother of the second child?

Bros, take it easy o. The leave is not greener on the other side

Lol
Thanks for the advice

kodozion:



Lol
She loves the child more than her life
I'm not her enemy,have always been there for her
My first salary when I came here I shred with her even without a baby
Before I started working when my sis came to pay me a visit from uk,she took me for shopping I rather shop for her. With the money and sent the things to her through.....I was just 2 months old
I have been sending her money right from the fourth month I got then started sending my mum from the sixth month
So am not her enemy but just that she is a little stubborn and disrespectful to me

No
Not you ...

Her enemy in my post is your mum

That is your babymama first child
She's under a lot of stress and facing stigma from her family and neighborhood as the one who was fooled by abroad man..you
What does the grandma of her child do?

Add more hell to her life.

However if she is a rude person naturally that is a seperate matter

kodozion:



Thanks
I already bought the land
She asked I suspend the trip till dec when she is thru with her final exams

Be a man and set your family up.

Guy, sorry to tell you. That lady is not a wife material.

Well you're trying and I think she's doing her best too.
If need be,get a detailed analysis of how much it costs her to take care of your child plus unforeseen expenses. It will help you provide at least the much she needs to take care of your kid without running broke.
A person with a little baby shouldn't be broke at any time as little health emergencies (for example) can be fatal if there's no money to handle them promptly.

You guys need to chill. Exchanging words and comparing her to your mom won't help both of you.

Can she get a job? That will help because the money you send for the kid doubles as her sustainance money and that's not enough.


She also thinks you can afford to help her right now but won't do that. That's bound to get her pissed.

You're buying land and telling her you don't have money. No wonder she doesn't believe you

I know I know. It seems like a nice investment and she's supposed to support your decision but she maybe doesn't see herself as a part of your future since your mom isn't happy about your relationship.

Can't really blame her.

Unu try and work peacefully together o.
For the sake of your kid.

So far You didn't say what's so bad about her that you want to leave her.

cococandy:
Well you're trying and I think she's doing her best too.
If need be,get a detailed analysis of how much it costs her to take care of your child plus unforeseen expenses. It will help you provide at least the much she needs to take care of your kid without running broke.
A person with a little baby shouldn't be broke at any time as little health emergencies (for example) can be fatal if there's no money to handle them promptly.

You guys need to chill. Exchanging words and comparing her to your mom won't help both of you.

Can she get a job? That will help because the money you send for the kid doubles as her sustainance money and that's not enough.


She also thinks you can afford to help her right now but won't do that. That's bound to get her pissed.

You're buying land and telling her you don't have money. No wonder she doesn't believe you

I know I know. It seems like a nice investment and she's supposed to support your decision but she maybe doesn't see herself as a part of your future since your mom isn't happy about your relationship.

Can't really blame her.

Unu try and work peacefully together o.
For the sake of your kid.

So far You didn't say what's so bad about her that you want to leave her.

Thanks
Well,this is the first time we are really having money issue,her personal allowance is 30k excluding the child expenses but sometimes she said she do use from her money for somethings for the child

Maybe I have not really explain my concern here

First I do have a lot of problem with her manners,she doesn't even know to talk to me,she is not respectful,she too hot temper
Lately she has been comparing my attention between her son and my daughter then she talks about my mum that I have a good relationship with my mum even when she doesn't and I send her moni anytime she asked for but when it come to her and my son they are secondary which is a very big lie...like I told her she and the boy collect larger portion of my resources compare to my mum,since she gave birth I have not given her and the chid less than 50k
She is angry now becos she feel I refuse to help her with some issues which I promise this month end

Does she want me to stop sending money to my mum or start have issue with her becos of her?