U get mouth. Lol.i dont joke wit my sis out all..

Bacteriocin:
Even if you compare yourself with my only sister, you don jonez be dat big time not to talk of the pillar herself

Flytefalls:


What's this supposed to be, a sort of threat or call for karma? Are you married?

it supposed to mean what ever we sow we will reap.

cococandy:
well she said ex mom. So I'm guessing she left. Who would survive in such marriage kwanu?

How did it even get to that? How?? I'm talking from the premise that one is treated the way s/he is perceived. She must have come off as. . . Well, someone they can flog, pour hot soup on and get away with it.

Good thing he's an ex.

toluleke:
so I should lock out my family because I am married..my mum is old enough to give birth to her so she has to take my mum behaviour like she is her mother..the main key in marriage is endurance, understanding and wisdom...if I know you don't like something I would endure,not do what you don't and mingle with you with wisdom..telling me to choose that an insult and I am not her property.God should just give one a good wife..that can take you as you are..

Hmm. Who asked you to lock out your mom?
You're only asked to work on boundaries. It is your responsibility as the child of your mom.

If your wife takes your mom as she takes her own mom, trust me your mom won't like it.
She won't tolerate your wife the way her own mom tolerates her because that familiarity is not there.

I for one would even be more careful and watch my words towards my mother-in-law than my own mom.

My mom can say something or suggest something I don't like and I can comfortably tell her "mommy pls leave me alone"

But can I try that with my MIL? No of course not. Nigeria will hear . This small girl is asking her MIL to leave her alone. How rude!
I won't try to play rough play with her Except I'm willing to go through the wahala that will arise from the Serious misinterpretations that will arise from that my statement.

Mind you my husband cannot say such to my mom without coming off as disrespectful Hence I'm in a better position than my husband to caution my mom if she begins to brew trouble in my own home.

So how hard can it be for you guys to nip trouble in the bud when you see it rearing its ugly head?
Especially since you know your wife can't freely address your mom as you can.

No one asked you to lock out your mom. She's impotant in your life too. Everybody needs a loving and supportive family aside from their immediate family (husband,wife and kids)

I believe we are all adults. Let's not be simplistic towards human relationships since we know it is not all black and white.

Khabuqi:


I never said you should not love your mum. What I was saying is, once a man established his own family, he submits or gives importance to the light of the house which is his wife.(The wife should be his first priority) but he never throws out his responsibilities being a responsible son to his mother. A mother will always act as his guidance counselor but does not have the right to interfere with his sons decisions regarding family matters. As to the wife, she must set high respect on her husband's mother as she is the most influential woman on the life of her husband long before they've meet. Shikena.

did you just say that the husband should submit to the wife . most men love their wives and do respect them

dablazor:

That isn't what it meant, when two people come together in marriage, they become one, in short, your spouse should always come first in all dealings, its now up to her to treat your MIL right..
But still she comes first, that is the whole idea of marriage, you leave your parents for your spouse.

May be you need to understand what forsake means. It means to abandon, denounce, desert, disown, discard.

So do you think God wants to man to desert his family or to desert all other babes out there. I will stop there.

Khabuqi:


See this bobo dey call me aunty when I no be woman
Chaii!!!

The husband becomes the wife's first priority.

. No be you call me Uncle first? Lol. At least we are now on the same page. There should always be balance.

Most ladies I know are easily irritated, manipulative and vulgar.

Greatgod is a good example of a humble wife who knows how to treat a mother in law. She can't have any friction with any relation with such a disposition..

babyosisi:


Please are you married and with a mother inlaw?
If you were the young woman whose MIL poured hot soup on her because the soup didn't have salt and the same MIL flogged her,would you be saying this?
In a normal situation greatgod's advise will fly but those words about choosing don't occur in those normal situations and that is what those who don't buy what you are saying are trying to stress
There are men who know from birth that their mothers are difficult,it is their duty to protect that wife from that mother they know too well.

YES I am married and a PROUD mother of 2 BIG BOYS. And yes I have a mother inlaw. And I look forward to being a very good mother inlaw to my sons wife in future. Because whatever my inlaw does I take it that its my own mother that did it to me, cause truly whatever our own mothers do to us we still stay together forever and that's cause we don't have a choice.

Like a proverb that goes thus " do you trow the bath water away with the baby ". The woman that hot soup was poured on only said the version of the hot soup, we never heard the full gist or where it all began. So you can't just conclude the mother inlaw is that bad.

No human is perfect, even we as wives and mothers are not perfect so learning to tolerate and patient is the KEY. Your mother inlaw remains your mother inlaw. You can not change that. You either take it or leave it.

Some mother inlaws are bad yes but what do you want to do about it? The world isn't going to end because of mother inlaws.

My point still remains. IF you can not love the mother of a man as if she were your mother then DO NOT marry the man.

A mother would have shown signs of a good or bad mother inlaw before marriage so if the woman then decides to go ahead then by all means should be ready to accept the mother inlaw as she is.

Phema:


How did it even get to that? How?? I'm talking from the premise that one is treated the way s/he is perceived. She must have come off as. . . Well, someone they can flog, pour hot soup on and get away with it.

Good thing he's an ex.

I've seen ladies bend to incredible curves to sustain peace in their marriage. And the effect of feeling alone in a marriage can make one quite spineless.
The way you look at one relative is an issue of it's own. You know it is we women who know how to interprete looks.
One will be like "The way Oke's wife looks at me ehn. She's quite disrespectful! Hmm"

That's how you've become rude and entered one MIL's or SIL's bad books.
Everything else you do is no good and you have to constantly work on keeping your cool so that the next action you take won't be twisted into several different meanings.

How much more when you say something.

I don't quite blame her. I would if she didn't leave.

cbrass:


did you just say that the husband should submit to the wife . most men love their wives and do respect them

Haaa! You like wahala o. Submit as in love and respect noni.

TooNoisy:


Amen o. May God bless you.

As I have asked before, how come it is only the husband's mother that is always bad. The wife's mother is an angel and will do no wrong. They set strict boundaries for the husband's mother but give their own mother free reign when she comes around.

Lols

What I think you should do is compare How a mother bahaves to Her daughter and her daughter in law.

cococandy:


Hmm. Who asked you to lock out your mom?
You're only asked to work on boundaries. It is your responsibility as the child of your mom.

If your wife takes your mom as she takes her own mom, trust me your mom won't like it.
She won't tolerate your wife the way her own mom tolerates her because that familiarity is not there.

I for one would even be more careful and watch my words towards my mother-in-law than my own mom.

My mom can say something or suggest something I don't like and I can comfortable tell her "mommy pls leave me alone"

But can I try that with my MIL? No of course not. Nigeria will hear . This small girl is asking her MIL to leave her alone. How rude!
I won't try to play rough play with her Except I'm willing to go through the wahala that will arise from the Serious misinterpretations that will arise from that my statement.

Mind you my husband cannot say such to my mom without coming off as disrespectful Hence I'm in a better position than my husband to caution my mom if she begins to brew trouble in my own home.

So how hard can it be for you guys to nip trouble in the bud when you see it rearing its ugly head?
Especially since you know your wife can't freely address your mom as you can.

No one asked you to lock out your mom. She's impotant in your life too. Everybody needs a loving and supportive family aside from their immediate family (husband,wife and kids)

I believe we are all adults. Let's not be simplistic towards human relationships since we know it is not all black and white.

got no argument you are right..what is the wahala with nigerian women and their husband families,they don't feel safe.but for me I would rather become a POPE or MONK than to leave my mum because of my wife.. Shikena..the other day some girls were argument with me if they come home and see their mother in law had put tribal marks on their child cheek..a gal said she would slap the MIL twice,another said she would make marks on her cheek too..there was a video I saw too that if you a man comes back home and the mom report the wife slapped her..whatever my mom does take it like I was the one that did it..then we would settle it,but insulting,beating or telling me to choose haba NOOOOOO..

babyosisi:
This is my post on my marital advise thread
So I understand fully the situation of a woman who is pushed to ask her husband to choose.
Many people speaking her,speak out of ignorance so I excuse you
Unless you have been there,you have no clue
I also wrote that within a short while of meeting my hubby he told me his mom was a tough person
I was soon to find out what that meant.
This is my story.ait is hard to summarize 4 months into one post.it was torture.

I believe!

I've always viewed my MIL to be a lovely woman, but over time I've been put in my place; the kindness was prioritised to her own children. We originally got on well, then things took a turn for the worst. I still can't pin it to any one incident. She has said some truly disgusting things about me and my family, as have her other children. I once accused my husband of sharing their views; I now regret that because he'd been defending me all the time but I couldn't believe/trust him. I know first-hand how this issue can bring out the worst in all of us . I'll eventually forgive but never forget, that's the shame. Her speech at my wedding had sent my family into a fury, but I have managed to pacify things because I'm happy in my marriage and don't wish for my family to feel hate towards his (my husband's family is now my own, so I strive for harmony).

One day, I explained to my husband the type of relationship I'd love to have had with his mum, and frankly stated reasons why I now won't be perusing it any time soon. Through communication with my husband, my relationship with my MIL is actually repairing and I can see good times ahead. I sincerely hope I can enjoy time with her before it's too late, but she has to regain my trust, that takes time. I'm grateful for my husband's efforts. He, like most men on here, is truly a disciple of his mother. I see that as a beautiful thing, but he isn't afraid of telling his mother, or myself, when we 'overstep boundaries'. That is an imperative for the harmony I can see in the future relationship between me and my MIL. Men who are quick to place their mothers opinions over their wives will only create resentment and hostility in his wife's heart. Don't get married unless you are willing to place the needs of your wife as your own.

I'm sorry your own story ended the way it did, I was hopeful towards the end . But like yourself, I wouldn't tolerate disrespectful behavior towards me, especially not towards my husband and future children. When a husband becomes the enemy, that pain is too much

But my mom shouldn't go to the extreme of pouring soup on my wife..I won't take that..that total wickedness..I believe one thing define the place/role of your wife..and samething to your mom..my wife should report my mom to me..my mom can correct my wife..and it my be with love..

cbrass:


it supposed to mean what ever we sow we will reap.

I sow my seeds reasonably. I am not exempt from my own scrutiny, nor is anyone else in my life. Think before you accuse others of acting wayward, are you an expert in life? Probably not.

TooNoisy:


May be you need to understand what forsake means. It means to abandon, denounce, desert, disown, discard.

So do you think God wants to man to desert his family or to desert all other babes out there. I will stop there.

Come on don't be ridiculous, I know what forsake means, but I was just trying to address the context in which the poster you responded to used the word.. Perhaps he/she should have used a different word and not 'forsake'

dablazor:

Come on don't be ridiculous, I know what forsake means, but I was just trying to address the context in which the poster you responded to used the word.. Perhaps he/she should have used a different word and not 'forsake'

Don't think you are married yet. Because if you are, you would know forsake comes from the "marital vows".

Would you take this man/woman to be your husband/wife and forsaking all other

babyosisi:
This is my post on my marital advise thread
So I understand fully the situation of a woman who is pushed to ask her husband to choose.
Many people speaking her,speak out of ignorance so I excuse you
Unless you have been there,you have no clue
I also wrote that within a short while of meeting my hubby he told me his mom was a tough person
I was soon to find out what that meant.
This is my story.ait is hard to summarize 4 months into one post.it was torture.

And you feel what your 6 year old daughter did by throwing her grandmother bible under the bed in anger because she took the phone from her and slammed it was proper? Towards her own grandmother I just wonder what her height of anger would be.

And you also think packing your mother inlaws stuff and throwing them out is justified Hmmmmm I laugh in spanish, I hope your children dint see you do that,most especially your 6 year old daughter cause am sure will grow up thinking all mother inlaws should be treated as such.

Anyways its your home and your choice NOT mine.

Beetle:
Babyosisi, you've said it all. Take knuckles my sister. You analysed the whole situation. Great god u didn't solve the couples prob uve only compounded it by seeing things from your own PoV. I get on well with my MIL doesn't mean everyone else will get on well with theirs. And just because mama took care of the man, cleaned his faeces and all that doesn't mean she should come first. Abi no be person born the woman too or she fell from heaven.

Mil should stay in their corner and DIL in theirs. No Wahala for house. And also at the beginning I told DH to choose cos that woman is evil. Pure and undiluted evil.

Why your own no evil to him? Na only mil of hussy de de evil.

VickJames:


Why your own no evil to him? Na only mil of hussy de de evil.

Whether we like it or not no one can like you the way your mum does. Some MILs still believe they still have to control everything that goes on in their son's life after he is married which is not possible. A lot of times most MILs sees their son's wife as a rival and someone that comes to take their place in their son's life which is the major cause of rancour

TooNoisy:


Don't think you are married yet. Because if you are, you would know forsake comes from the "marital vows".

Would you take this man/woman to be your husband/wife and forsaking all other

Yeah you guessed right, am not married and I am not acquainted with the wordings of the marital vow.. So you win *hands you an accolade* lol

crackhaus:
Lmao. . . I'm sorry I just have to say this, but I have always wondered why a good number of women believe that because they're having sex with you, they should automatically become more important than your mother when it comes down to picking a side.

It's suicide mission putting a man on that spot - the only way I'll choose any woman over my mother is if I've always had a bad relationship with my mom or I just want to make this woman momentarily happy to avoid more talk.

As a matter of fact, I don't even expect a woman with a really good heart to be happy and comfortable that her man always chooses her over his own mother.

because sex is a spiritual something

greatgod2012:
Good day my fellow forumites. It's been a while opening thread on this forum. Happy sunday to us all.


This thread was borne out of a quarrel between a couple i tried to settle two days ago.
A colleague of mine approached me for advice on what is happening in her marriage, and at the end of narrating her ordeal, i pointed her fault to her as being the architech of her problems. I deduced that the bone of contention is that each time there is disagreement, he would ask her husband to choose between her and and his mother, and as it is expected, the man would choose his mother, and yawa go gas!

Please, my fellow women and wives (though some men are guilty of this too, but it's more rampant with women), let's stop this nonsense, let's stop asking silly questions, if there is an issue between you and your spouse, communicate with maturity, without raising voice, without setiments and without blackmail and most importantly, without silly questions such as, "then, you will have to choose between me and your mother" it's childish, silly, disrespectful and out of security and envy.
Let me tell us, no sane man will choose his wife over his mother, because the wife was not there when his mother conceived him, gave birth to him, breasfed him, trained him, have so many sleepless nighs because of him, sent him to school to become who he is now for you to see, admire and marry. No wife was there when the mother was washing the man's dirty clothes, even using bare hands to wash faeces with which he soiled himself, when the mother spent days in hospital when sick to make sure the man is in good health and shape. No wife was there when the mother wakes in the middle of the night to talk and advise his son on ways of life, on how to be a good child to her parents, a good person in the society, a good employee to his employer, a good employer to his employees, a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife. Now, it's the mother that the wife is now waging war against. Nooooo wayyyyyy.
Honestly, i don't know reason why there is usually rancour between DILs and MILs, if for anything, these old women deserves our respect, appreciation and to be made happy, at least for making these our husbands marriageable, abi, if they were not born, can we get married to them.

So, my fellow women, if you don't want to sadden yourself, stop asking your men to choose between you and his mother, because he would definately choose his mother. And for those who usually say, "then let him take his mother to bed", abeg, everything is not only about bed in marriage. For those who will say, "then let his mother prepare him food, remember, he has been eating his mother's food before meeting and marrying you. For those who will say, "then, let his mother bare him children", remember, the children are not only his, they're yours as well.

Let all DILs remember that they are also potential MILs and that whatever they sow as a DIL, they will reap them when they also become MIL.
Let us cultivate the habit of loving our MILs, appreciate them and stop unnecessary rivalry with them. Many of them are becoming old already, so, we need to remember that old age usually make someone to be eccentric. So, let' treat them as if they are our mother, which i believe they are. Atleast, someone who is old enough to be our spouse' mother is also fit to be our mother.
As for me, i have the most wonderful MIL in the whole world. I cherish her, adore her, love her greatly and i get the best of her, even my husband and his siblings do jealous of me.

Anytime there's a cause for all of us, me, hubby and mama, to be in a car, i open the front door for mama myself to sit, this singular act, i have been criticised of so many times, but, is it not for just one or few days, and i see that she usually love it each time i do that. She rains blessings on me as if there is no other day. I pamper her(but truth be said, she pampers me more).
See, my fellow women, this is a secret, if you want the best from your man, love his mother and you will never regret doing so.
God bless us all.
For those who will condemn this, i think i'm no longer a novice in marriage. This is my 10th year of marriage, and it's just like yesterday, we're just starting anyway, and everyday of our marriage has always been better than the previous day.

This also goes to the men who usually asks their wives to choose between them and their mothers.

P. S
DIL....daughter-in-law.
MIL....mother-in-law.

God bless us all.

Who Ever wrote this write up u really moved me. pls well done I love it

Khabuqi:


Haaa! You like wahala o. Submit as in love and respect noni.

well I don't know if you are a Christian cos my Bible says wives submit to your husband. and husband's love your wives that's all

Eneze1:


Whether we like it or not no one can like you the way your mum does. Some MILs still believe they still have to control everything that goes on in their son's life after he is married which is not possible. A lot of times most MILs sees their son's wife as a rival and someone that comes to take their place in their son's life which is the major cause of rancour

Spot on!

Tayour, some MIL/FIL aree terror.
I'm one of those that preach do unto ur parents in law as u would do to ur own parents but looking critically at it,will some parents inlaw treat u as their own kid?

If a man knows his role as a man,there will never ever be a problem btw these two.

Some have been plumeled bc of mil,yes some have been driven out because of a mil.
Recently I got to know of a first born that drove the wife away cos she is childless. Mama has been hammering on him that she want to see her grandchildren(not that others don't have)
And the worst thing was that this woman will carry pregnancy up to 9 months and the baby will die during child birth. 3 good pregnancies.

What a very wicked woman!
The guy has married another woman,driven d first away.
Is that not cruel?

At times we stay in our mansion and judge others when we r never in their shoes.

My cousin's wife was beaten to stupor by d husband at 8 months pregnancy because of mama that this woman pets to a fault yet she is never satisfied.
What happened.
Wifey prepared breakfast for mama but mama was still sleeping,so she decided not to disturb he and entered the bathroom to wash.

Some times later,door bell rang and wifey went to open door. It was the hubby. B4 wifey could say welcome,see the beating of her life. She passed out. Ouut of anger,hee went back to work but couldn't concentrate and had to come back again.
He met a lifeless body,rushed upstair to call mmama to help him carry wifey into d car,no mama. Mama of course has parked her things and went to the daughter's house leaving wifey dead.

It was later that hubby said mama called him crying that wifey don't want to give her food.
Meanwhile food was set in d dining. Mama called from the bed. Yet to come out.

Finally hubby has to draw the line till today.
It's even wifey that fight for mama's interest cos the man don't want to have anything to do with her again. He was once a mummy's boy.

Until u wear d shoe my dear, don't ever conclude.

TooNoisy:


May be you need to understand what forsake means. It means to abandon, denounce, desert, disown, discard.

So do you think God wants to man to desert his family or to desert all other babes out there. I will stop there.

So are you questioning the vows?

Because that's What is There

cococandy:


Hmm. Who asked you to lock out your mom?
You're only asked to work on boundaries. It is your responsibility as the child of your mom.

If your wife takes your mom as she takes her own mom, trust me your mom won't like it.
She won't tolerate your wife the way her own mom tolerates her because that familiarity is not there.

I for one would even be more careful and watch my words towards my mother-in-law than my own mom.

My mom can say something or suggest something I don't like and I can comfortable tell her "mommy pls leave me alone"

But can I try that with my MIL? No of course not. Nigeria will hear . This small girl is asking her MIL to leave her alone. How rude!
I won't try to play rough play with her Except I'm willing to go through the wahala that will arise from the Serious misinterpretations that will arise from that my statement.

Mind you my husband cannot say such to my mom without coming off as disrespectful Hence I'm in a better position than my husband to caution my mom if she begins to brew trouble in my own home.

So how hard can it be for you guys to nip trouble in the bud when you see it rearing its ugly head?
Especially since you know your wife can't freely address your mom as you can.

No one asked you to lock out your mom. She's impotant in your life too. Everybody needs a loving and supportive family aside from their immediate family (husband,wife and kids)

I believe we are all adults. Let's not be simplistic towards human relationships since we know it is not all black and white.

Very nicely put together

Treating your MIL as you treat your mother is a very wrong advice. It might work, but it is generally NOT advisable.

Mom & my sis came to spend a week with us. If I asked mom What she wanted to eat in the evening, I could ask her to prepare it herself.

I organized ladies day in (hubby was not around) and I made. Fruit salad and got suya. I did not know that the fruits would stay fresh overnight in the Fridge So I did not add hubby's own.

When mom told Me it would stay, I just arranged my sis' own into a bowl with cover and told her to eat from mom's own after I added mine to it.

Let me try that with a SIL same age with my sis or with my MIL.

My mom will cook beans, I will tell her it is not sweet like my own and she will laugh... let me try that with a MIL na

In-law relationship is quite dicey and tricky.

My SIL got me two dresses which are not my taste; na thank you, thank you I dey talk.

If my mom bought me those dresses, I would return them back or ask her to give me the money next time

babyosisi:


I doubt if any woman speaks those words lightly
It is normally spoken out of frustration when a man has turned a blind eye while his mother encroached into a territory that belongs to the wife.Human are territorial beings.
What many men don't understand is that the wife and the mother are two people that love him and he must actively keep their roles separate.
Go to my marital advise thread,I wrote of my first experiences with my MIL in those early years .
I had a time I had to ask my own husband to choose between his mom and I because despite his best efforts I found myself on one side fighting mother and son for no fault if mine.
You have a great MIL so you don't get it,some don't and some didn't start off the way yours did
Some had to " kill their MIL with love" to get goodness out of them
Some had to bite their tongues to a whole of stuff to maintain a workable relationship

The mothers role is totally separate from the wife's and it is up to the husband to make that distinction clear if his mother doesn't understand that and help not to stretch his wife to her limits.I have already written that most MIL do this out of the love for their sons and wanting the best for him but hurt the DIL and sometimes deliberately in that process.
It is Ok to make blanket statements of dos and donts but unless you have been faced with a situation yourself,you have no clue what the other person has been through.


The bible says a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife
When a many has allowed his mother to cleave ,and the wife is finding a space,katakata will burst

THANK YOU MA !!!

[quote
author=cococandy post=31672800]

Hmm. Who asked you to lock out your mom?
You're only asked to work on boundaries. It is your responsibility as
the child of your mom.

If your wife takes your mom as she takes her own mom, trust me your mom
won't like it.
She won't tolerate your wife the way her own mom tolerates her because
that familiarity is not there.

I for one would even be more careful and watch my words towards my
mother-in-law than my own mom.

My mom can say something or suggest something I don't like and I can
comfortable tell her "mommy pls leave me alone"

But can I try that with my MIL? No of course not. Nigeria will hear .
This small girl is asking her MIL to leave her alone. How rude!
I won't try to play rough play with her Except I'm willing to go through
the wahala that will arise from the Serious misinterpretations that
will arise from that my statement.

Mind you my husband cannot say such to my mom without coming off as
disrespectful Hence I'm in a better position than my husband to caution
my mom if she begins to brew trouble in my own home.

So how hard can it be for you guys to nip trouble in the bud when you
see it rearing its ugly head?
Especially since you know your wife can't freely address your mom as you
can.

No one asked you to lock out your mom. She's impotant in your life too.
Everybody needs a loving and supportive family aside from their
immediate family (husband,wife and kids)

I believe we are all adults. Let's not be simplistic towards human
relationships since we know it is not all black and white.[/quote]..best comment i have read since this year.That's what the called human r/shp approach.