leggo

OMA4U:
This story is not well written. The opening sentence is poor. It could be better this way: The police officers at the checkpoint saw a bike headlight approaching.... My humble opinion, please.

Yeah,this starting is better but not in anyway near how a novel should start.
Let me give a trial:

It was a cool beautiful Sunday morning like every other Sundays ,but for Mr. so, so, so and Mr. so,so it was a hot Sunday for them as their team at a check point saw a bike headlight approaching....

The poster above me is a winch

format your story properly...

front page after how many months?

president present sir.

tony4life58:
The poster above me is a winch

how?

akpobi:
The police officers at a check point noticed a bike head light "who be that"?. I thought okada has been banned in this state,one of the officers said. Park well,come down. Remove your head gear. A female that looked as if she was in her late twenties was the face behind the head gear. "don't you know that they have banned bike in delta state". "No,i had no idea",she said."are you new in this place",the officer said."yeah i 'm new". We cant just let you go like that na. So find kola for us or we will book you,and you will follow us to the station. "okay let me check". She tapped her right pocket. But it didn't sound as if there was anything in it. So she put her hand in her left pocket of her trouser. The looks on her face changed."i knew i didn't leave it",she said. The officers smiled. She brought out a gun and pulled the trigger on the two officers,collected their guns and decapitated the two officers and kept them in a bag and zoomed of




--- to be continued---
follow and reply

gehngehn!!

continue bro, Udu hails

Front page?

The story should have been concluded before hitting the FP biko!

Great story with nice plot and chive of words.
You have a very good concept on which the story can thrive but you need to work on some areas though.

1...SPACING/PARAGRAPHING: you need to space your work in such such a way that your readers 'll find it more convenient to read without getting bored easily.

2...CHARACTERIZATION here, the relationship between the sergeant and the Officer should be clearly outlined. What's the reason behind the vendetta that exists between the two police officers? It'll even help stretch your work further.

3...PUNCTUATION like Omao4 stated earlier, you need to work on those areas.

Cheers!

Nice one. If he starts telling you about the relationship between the characters now don't you think it will affect his suspense?

BobUg28:
Great story with nice plot and chive of words.
You have a very good concept on which the story can thrive but you need to work on some areas though.
1...SPACING/PARAGRAPHING: you need to space your work in such such a way that your readers 'll find it more convenient to read without getting bored easily.
2...CHARACTERIZATION here, the relationship between the sergeant and the Officer should be clearly outlined. What's the reason behind the vendetta that exists between the two police officers? It'll even help stretch your work further.
3...PUNCTUATION like Omao4 stated earlier, you need to work on those areas.
Cheers!

OMA4U:
Let us know who Otega and Keziah were. Tell us our their past; their triumphs and failures.
The end part of the first post is poor too. Create suspense and make your story great. You have got a nice plot. Develop it well. Thank you.

Segadem:
Yeah,this starting is better but not in anyway near how a novel should start.
Let me give a trial:

It was a cool beautiful Sunday morning like every other Sundays ,but for Mr. so, so, so and Mr. so,so it was a hot Sunday for them as their team at a check point saw a bike headlight approaching....

I prefer OMA4U's. Again, why should a bike's headlight be on/visible on a cool beautiful morning.

oliidell:


I prefer OMA4U's. Again, why should a bike's headlight be on/visible on a cool beautiful morning.

Figuratively, "a cool Sunday" was used to complement "a hot Sunday" ( that's literature for u).

And this made frontpage? Not criticizing the writer but this is quite generous from the moderators.


To the writer, welcome to Nairaland Literature section. Have not really had the chance to look through your work, but it seems that some of the bosses have already landed here. I will leave you in their hands for now.

Larrysun, where are thou? This is your forte.

I dey feel you, keep it up.

I don't get why this is on the FP. The story has not even started yet!

Nice work bro, keep it up, but work on d corrections....,

Congrats OP, but please don't give us half baked beans o.

Op please dont get lazy on us ooo. Some of us aren't any good at writing. We all can't be, but take advice/corrections from your readers.

Following all the way from Minna, Niger state.

interesting

Bring It On coz we're ready to hear ur story

interesting!!

You really have a good plot and it can even get better if u follow those advice you've been earlier given. work on the suspense u want to create on ur readers. the work doesn't have any. u know suspense makes ur reader glued to ur piece.

Seriously? This is on FP?? A story with just two updates? There are several super interesting stories in the Literature section that haven't even made FP and this made FP. I'm not going to even talk about the corrections he has to make, others have talked about it enough. MODs there is God o.

I dey come...

At the rate the op is going, this story is never going to end and most follower will loose interest.

Would really look forward to read more post from here... thanks... www.gistmii.com

OMA4U:
This story is not well written. The opening sentence is poor. It could be better this way: The police officers at the checkpoint saw a bike headlight approaching.... My humble opinion, please.

Oga you for write your own. Did he ask you to critique his story for him? Humble opinion my foot. What is humble about this your rude exhibition of ITK?