Hi,

I am a westerner married to a yoruba man. We have been married for almost 2 years and am trying to understand what the expectations of a wife are. I have been on google for hours but I am not getting any clear answers. And a lot of the traits they say are a "typical yoruba man" do not apply to my husband at all. I am so confused! If I could just get a clear rundown, that would be really helpful. We are on the border of ending the marriage and I do not know what else I am doing wrong (since he is never wrong). I am the submissive one, he makes all of the final decisions, I do all the cooking and run the house, raise the children and work when I can.

How do I get a little respect without disrespecting my husband. I have read so many articles and threads saying how Yoruba men treat their wives like Queens but that is not the case for me. He does not buy gifts (which I am actually fine with, because I would rather be shown love, consideration, respect, compassion etc over a gift) unless it is a special occasion (Birthday/Christmas), there is no such thing as intimacy and I hear Yoruba men have high needs, he does not consider my feelings much at all, and it seems that the more space and time I give him, the more he wants (like the saying - you give them an inch and they take a mile). We have separated in hope that we can work things out and come together again, but why is it that the man gets to run away and have his freedom, but I have to be home with the children and continue being the responsible parent/wife? I feel as if I have taken the opportunity of separation to soul search and grow in order to move on, but he is not. It actually just feels as if he wants to be away to enjoy his freedom and not work things out at all. He lacks communication and honesty and is not all that interested in sharing his life with me. What can I do to make him happy, in order for me to happy. At this point in time, I am holding on with love and that is about all that is keeping me motivated. When posting, I beg, please be considerate, I am feeling as low as you can get. In a nutshell, I just want to know the rules that come with being married to a very proud yoruba man. Thank you.

first things first for me, who is older among the both of you?
secondly, when you say you are a westerner, do you mean you are a whitey foreigner? or black westerner? and which country exactly are you from?
if you can answer these questions honestly, we will proceed further.

@henribj We are 32 and yes I am white and from Melbourne, Australia.
I know that the second people see white girl, they will have a stereotypical view about the way I am or the way I think. But not everyone fits that stereotypical mold. Just wanted to put that in there.

Crystal83:
@henribj We are 32 and yes I am white and from Melbourne, Australia.
I know that the second people see white girl, they will have a stereotypical view about the way I am or the way I think. But not everyone fits that stereotypical mold. Just wanted to put that in there.

hahahaha @stereotypical view. Alrighty then, i viewed your other topic which relates to this same new post of yours, and truth be told, any advice i offer is going to mirror one or more of the advice you received on the other topic of yours.
but what i would like you to understand is this, if anyone claims to truly love someone, he/she will never place another person above the person he/she claims to love. That being said, you should count your teeth with your tongue. A word is enough for the wise.

Didn't you know all this before you got married?

@henribj

Thank you for the advice. I will try and think a bit more about what is going on.

MsNelly I did know. I was extremely fascinated and interested in the Nigerian cultures, any African culture in fact. It is just that we have both been trying to fit into each other's worlds maybe and somehow got lost in the middle. Knowing another culture and living it are two very different things. I have not been to Nigeria to see any of it myself. We have many African friends including Nigerians, who are mostly Yoruba's and they have explained things along the way, but the trouble is that what one says is so often opposite what someone else has said. It is like they all have a different view in some ways.

Crystal83:
@henribj

Thank you for the advice. I will try and think a bit more about what is going on.

you are welcome.
why do I have this feeling that you are actually the one forcing this marriage to work? Yes you claim to love him and all which I am not saying is a lie, but wouldn't you rather end it now so you can find your happiness sooner, or would you want this to keep on dragging for years and you end up being a wreck/mess? And please do not tell yourself that you are in this for the kids sake cos that is a lie, so don't use the kids as an excuse, if you want the kids to be truly happy then do not subject them to such an atmosphere as that which exists between you and your husband because that atmosphere is not healthy at all.

@OP

You are gradually entering the trap of "generalization".

IMHO, there are no set of rules to deal with a "proud" Yoruba man. Each man should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

I guess you have to get to know your hubby more and engender a climate of open communication.

Thanks Henribj. Maybe you are right.

henribj:


you are welcome.
why do I have this feeling that you are actually the one forcing this marriage to work? Yes you claim to love him and all which I am not saying is a lie, but wouldn't you rather end it now so you can find your happiness sooner, or would you want this to keep on dragging for years and you end up being a wreck/mess? And please do not tell yourself that you are in this for the kids sake cos that is a lie, so don't use the kids as an excuse, if you want the kids to be truly happy then do not subject them to such an atmosphere as that which exists between you and your husband because that atmosphere is not healthy at all.

she should end the relationship when we don't know her behavior toward her husband?

crystal83 are you telling us you didn't study your husband well before you get married to him? what are your attitudes towards him cos we nigerians can't worship our wife's as you guys do in your country.(husband control his wife in Africa not the other way round)

pictures of you on your dp will be OK if truly you are not a Nigerian

He's not in love with you, or he is prolly seeing someone else.

Of course I studied him. I am not that stupid, I would not marry someone who I did not know well. But people change. Circumstances change. I do not care for control at all. I am happy for my husband to lead. As they say, the husband is the head and the wife is the neck and I am happy to be that. Lol I do not need to be worshiped either. I am not a God. A little respect and appreciation would go a long way though. I cannot explain how I felt about my husband entirely, but to make a long story short, the respect and pride you have for your parents, especially your father, is somewhat in a way the way I feel about my husband, without putting him on a pedestal. There was a time when things were different, wonderful in fact. Rarely any issue, but like I said, things change.

This has nothing to do with his being Yoruba..... It's just his personality.

My humble opinion: I feel he is a kid at heart.

Give him his 'freedom' he so desires and don't ask/beg that he comes back to you.
Do your own thing with your own kids, own up to all the responsibilities, don't involve him at all in these activities. Let him see that without him, you can handle your own.

He'll stunt back.

This will definitely give you the respect you deserve.
And whenever he deems it fit to come back, don't go running at him like a submissive lamb, let him work his way into your heart once more.

This is what I honestly feel.
Thanks.

Cc
Crystal83

I really like your response, MzNelly. That actually may work. Thank you very much! In a way that is what I have been doing, but then when something exciting happens like my daughter learned to crawl, I wanted to go and show him. I think he needs to feel like he is missing out in a way. He cannot appreciate what is at home if he is still involved, technically.
Don't take this literally, MzNelly, but I am just LOVING you right now.
I have kept on with my own life, but it just felt so mean, to exclude him entirely.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, in a way.

Crystal83:
I really like your response, MzNelly. That actually may work. Thank you very much! In a way that is what I have been doing, but then when something exciting happens like my daughter learned to crawl, I wanted to go and show him. I think he needs to feel like he is missing out in a way. He cannot appreciate what is at home if he is still involved, technically.
Don't take this literally, MzNelly, but I am just LOVING you right now.
I have kept on with my own life, but it just felt so mean, to exclude him entirely.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, in a way.

Aw, girl, you sound like you're really, really soft-hearted

Just do that @bolded. It'll be fine.

Haha I am, MzNelly. It gets me into trouble all the time. I could never treat someone the way that I would not want to be treated. I couldn't be spiteful. You know when you get so angry and mad at something and you say to your.self.... I am gonna make them pay for that one! Yeah, we all know that is never gonna happen. Lol! My Mum always laughs and makes fun by saying.. Go on tough lady! I dare you! Haha!

Crystal83:
Haha I am, MzNelly. It gets me into trouble all the time. I could never treat someone the way that I would not want to be treated. I couldn't be spiteful. You know when you get so angry and mad at something and you say to your.self.... I am gonna make them pay for that one! Yeah, we all know that is never gonna happen. Lol! My Mum always laughs and makes fun by saying.. Go on tough lady! I dare you! Haha!

No wonder he fell in love with you and married up.

Toughen up, darl.

Our Nigerian men only understand when you deal with them with an "iron hand."

At first

wen i saw ur thread's topic


i just wanted to come in and bash u



bt u have my sympathy sista.


first and foremost though, this has nothing to do with his tribe, more like his personality.


second, ur husband sounds like a dumb asshöle( forgive me) and if u try wat mznelly said and he still doesnt return to his senses.





PLS BOLT.

@ crystal83
I am sorry you are going through all these things but have you tried praying? You can never go wrong with prayers and also communicating how you feel to your husband? Dont always be a yes yes woman cos you dont want to annoy ur husband...tell him just how you feel and why
Give him space but not so much. Remember, there are so many girls waiting in line to take your position. About gifts and all, teach him what you want. Leave little gifts on his pillow, hide them in the trousers he would wear to work etc...I think he will enjoy the little surprises and want to do same for you. yorubas say marriage is a learning ground. space won't get you there, wisdom will ( while keeping him close to you) my advise? Go back to your husband and work things out with him.

Crystal83:
Hi,

I just want to know the rules that come with being married to a very proud yoruba man. Thank you.

Proud people are always going to be difficult to work with whether yoruba or not.
Op,i don't think your husband is into you.For how long have you been married?

I think your man just married you for the papers.

Crystal83, the family section will do a better job of this thread.

We all err. Understanding and considerations make things work better. A couple from same tribe does not guarantee bliss. You have an issue peculiar to both of you. Its not about any one tribe. For all you know, he's somewhere spending hours on google trying to understand women from melbourne, no?

Life should be easy. Whoever reckons you has you at heart, who does not, does not. But then again, things change... And he comes around to his realities again.

Today I celebrate ME! The birth of Me! The person I have grown to be! The person I will become!

I am grateful to God for the gift of life, I am void without him. Also thankful to my earthly parents for nurturing me into the graceful, lovely, and great person I am today.

Happy birthday to Me! I wish myself many more years of joy, love, laughter, health and prosperity strength and wisdom for days to come and success with everything I do today, and tomorrow!

Join me in celebration

have you in any way financially supported your husband in recent pasts?

Confam ibarapa girl dey come dey claim westerner... Mtcheew..... So all those traits above is coz he is a yoruba man..?... U r jst seekin solution where dia is none.. Dnt face ur marriage squarely ehn and thank Ur stars he is nt ibo... He wud av sold U lng ago...

Crystal83:
Hi,

I am a westerner married to a yoruba man. We have been married for almost 2 years and am trying to understand what the expectations of a wife are. I have been on google for hours but I am not getting any clear answers. And a lot of the traits they say are a "typical yoruba man" do not apply to my husband at all. I am so confused! If I could just get a clear rundown, that would be really helpful. We are on the border of ending the marriage and I do not know what else I am doing wrong (since he is never wrong). I am the submissive one, he makes all of the final decisions, I do all the cooking and run the house, raise the children and work when I can.

How do I get a little respect without disrespecting my husband. I have read so many articles and threads saying how Yoruba men treat their wives like Queens but that is not the case for me. He does not buy gifts (which I am actually fine with, because I would rather be shown love, consideration, respect, compassion etc over a gift) unless it is a special occasion (Birthday/Christmas), there is no such thing as intimacy and I hear Yoruba men have high needs, he does not consider my feelings much at all, and it seems that the more space and time I give him, the more he wants (like the saying - you give them an inch and they take a mile). We have separated in hope that we can work things out and come together again, but why is it that the man gets to run away and have his freedom, but I have to be home with the children and continue being the responsible parent/wife? I feel as if I have taken the opportunity of separation to soul search and grow in order to move on, but he is not. It actually just feels as if he wants to be away to enjoy his freedom and not work things out at all. He lacks communication and honesty and is not all that interested in sharing his life with me. What can I do to make him happy, in order for me to happy. At this point in time, I am holding on with love and that is about all that is keeping me motivated. When posting, I beg, please be considerate, I am feeling as low as you can get. In a nutshell, I just want to know the rules that come with being married to a very proud yoruba man. Thank you.

My dear,these are the rules,my parents are yorubas and these are the things my mom does to make my father happy,you do these occasionally whenever you feel he's feeling depressed or angry:
1.You try to kneel jokingly sometimes whenever you serve him food,that's to show him he's the head of the family and your small Lord,believe me,he'd just smile and ask you where you learned that from,and you been a white,that would impress him more and make him want to know how you learned his about his culture.
2.Ask maybe his relatives what his oriki name is,every Yoruba man has Oriki,you can as well check it out from any of his documents with his full name,Oriki name is very easy to recognize,its either Alabi,Ishola,Alao,Ayinla,Akande,Adisa,Adigun,Amao,Aremu,Ajala,etc,names that sound that way,they're mostly 3 syllable names starting with A,you can get back to me for the pronunciation whenever you get his Oriki name,if you call him that and tell him to eat his food,believe me,even a villain of a husband would really impressed you're able to dig into his root,which is probably what he wants,and you're the best that can do that for him,it doesn't mean you can't cos you're not a Yoruba.
3. Any time he gets angry,try to turn it into joke,you can playfully make jest of him,or jokingly flatter him,just try to make him laugh sometimes
4. You can always call him by his full Yoruba name,e.g if he's Deji,you Call him Oladeji,some are Adedeji,or Oyedeji,Ayodeji,it depends on his,Gbenga, Olugbenga; Seun,Oluwaseun; Wole,Oluwole,etc
5. Anytime you're less busy,you can try to learn the recipes of a nice Yoruba dish and just try to prepare it for him,not all the time,but sometimes.
   Because with the way he's acting according to what you said,i think he loves you but he's not feeling at home,he feels like a stranger in his own home,so,for him not to regret marrying a foreigner,the ball is in your court,you can make him the happiest man for marrying a foreigner as well. its good you joined nairaland dear,you will learn a lot about Yoruba culture and it's really beautiful,i'm proud to be a Yoruba boy.
If you have questions,you can ask.

Crystal83:
MsNelly I did know. I was extremely fascinated and interested in the Nigerian cultures, any African culture in fact. It is just that we have both been trying to fit into each other's worlds maybe and somehow got lost in the middle. Knowing another culture and living it are two very different things. I have not been to Nigeria to see any of it myself. We have many African friends including Nigerians, who are mostly Yoruba's and they have explained things along the way, but the trouble is that what one says is so often opposite what someone else has said. It is like they all have a different view in some ways.

Reminds me of the movie 'Jungle Fever'... no diss, but if you've watched it, you'll get @ wat am saying.

Concerning your post, am not Yoruba, but I've dated outside my region-south (coincidentally,a Yoruba lady) to understand that cultural differences are a factor in such relationships
BUT, there are principles in relationships that cuts across culture, tribe, race etc.

Looking to understand 'the Yoruba man' as a means to solving your relationship issues is tantamount to grasping at straws, might help, but in the long run, u might still sink.

You might need to look honestly and critically@wat d issue truly is. Every problem has a basis. Funny, in relationships, the caramel becomes coated over so thick, we at times lose sight of wat the primary problem was.
Honest, non-judgemental communication is also very important. cannot be over emphasized.

Lastly, one thing I've learnt is , there's no right or wrong in marriage. The 'cost' of being right at times is way dear than it should be. Being together is much more easier.
Am a Christian, so you should know that marriage is a triangle with the man, woman and God @ each point. if there's a disconnect btw the man and woman, there's still a connection to the3rd party..God. make use of it.
All d best...
Divorce shouldn't always be an option...fight f wat u have.

peace.

moderators, do move this to family section.

iamrealdeji:
My dear,these are the rules,my parents are yorubas and these are the things my mom does to make my father happy,you do these occasionally whenever you feel he's feeling depressed or angry:
[s]1.You try to kneel jokingly sometimes whenever you serve him food,that's to show him he's the head of the family and your small Lord,believe me,he'd just smile and ask you where you learned that from,and you been a white,that would impress him more and make him want to know how you learned his about his culture.[/s]
2.Ask maybe his relatives what his oriki name is,every Yoruba man has Oriki,you can as well check it out from any of his documents with his full name,Oriki name is very easy to recognize,its either Alabi,Ishola,Alao,Ayinla,Akande,Adisa,Adigun,Amao,Aremu,Ajala,etc,names that sound that way,they're mostly 3 syllable names starting with A,you can get back to me for the pronunciation whenever you get his Oriki name,if you call him that and tell him to eat his food,believe me,even a villain of a husband would really impressed you're able to dig into his root,which is probably what he wants,and you're the best that can do that for him,it doesn't mean you can't cos you're not a Yoruba.
3. Any time he gets angry,try to turn it into joke,you can playfully make jest of him,or jokingly flatter him,just try to make him laugh sometimes
4. You can always call him by his full Yoruba name,e.g if he's Deji,you Call him Oladeji,some are Adedeji,or Oyedeji,Ayodeji,it depends on his,Gbenga, Olugbenga; Seun,Oluwaseun; Wole,Oluwole,etc
5. Anytime you're less busy,you can try to learn the recipes of a nice Yoruba dish and just try to prepare it for him,not all the time,but sometimes.
   Because with the way he's acting according to what you said,i think he loves you but he's not feeling at home,he feels like a stranger in his own home,so,for him not to regret marrying a foreigner,the ball is in your court,you can make him the happiest man for marrying a foreigner as well. its good you joined nairaland dear,you will learn a lot about Yoruba culture and it's really beautiful,i'm proud to be a Yoruba boy.
If you have questions,you can ask.

@No 1__for real??

---

Op consider this.

MzNelly:
This has nothing to do with his being Yoruba..... It's just his personality.
My humble opinion: I feel he is a kid at heart.
Give him his 'freedom' he so desires and don't ask/beg that he comes back to you.
Do your own thing with your own kids, own up to all the responsibilities, don't involve him at all in these activities. Let him see that without him, you can handle your own.
He'll stunt back.
This will definitely give you the respect you deserve.
And whenever he deems it fit to come back, don't go running at him like a submissive lamb, let him work his way into your heart once more.
This is what I honestly feel.
Thanks.
Cc
Crystal83

Biggty:
Today I celebrate ME! The birth of Me! The person I have grown to be! The person I will become!

You want people to celebrate with you?? why not create a thread for yourself instead of posting this here?

MzNelly:


No wonder he fell in love with you and married up.

Toughen up, darl.

Our Nigerian men only understand when you deal with them with an "iron hand."

Really? Are you talking from experience?

Abeg who get tissue paper i wan clean my yansh

Crystal83:
Of course I studied him. I am not that stupid, I would not marry someone who I did not know well. But people change. Circumstances change. I do not care for control at all. I am happy for my husband to lead. As they say, the husband is the head and the wife is the neck and I am happy to be that. Lol I do not need to be worshiped either. I am not a God. A little respect and appreciation would go a long way though. I cannot explain how I felt about my husband entirely, but to make a long story short, the respect and pride you have for your parents, especially your father, is somewhat in a way the way I feel about my husband, without putting him on a pedestal. There was a time when things were different, wonderful in fact. Rarely any issue, but like I said, things change.

are you sure he's not always on some kind of hard substance (coke) ? cus I'm somehow familiar with ur kind of struggle