ok ive been in a wonderful relationship for a while and our aim is to get married. We keep talking of things we expect and all. one of the things i'd always loved right from when i was a kid is answering my fathers name(i.e my present surname) in addition to my husbands. The first time i told him this he was like ''ok,we'd see'' .Over time he has changed his position on someother things (and so have i)but on this fathers name issue he has bluntly refused to budge. i have tried to explain,plead,beg lovingly and every other means but he is adamant. Why wont he allow this, if it means so much to me. he is a loving man whom i totally adore and is not the usual stuck up traditional african man. so whats with him and this issue. How can i convince him other wise because i think i'm fast losing this goal i always dreamed of.

touchmeder:

ok ive been in a wonderful relationship for a while and our aim is to get married. We keep talking of things we expect and all. one of the things i'd always loved right from when i was a kid is answering my fathers name in addition to my husbands. The first time i told him this he was like ''ok,we'd see'' .Over time he has changed his position on someother things (and so have i)but on this fathers name issue he has bluntly refused to budge. i have tried to explain,plead,beg lovingly and every other means but he is adamant. Why wont he allow this, if it means so much to me. he is a loving man whom i totally adore and is not the usual stuck up traditional african man. so whats with him and this issue. How can i convince him other wise because i think i'm fast losing this goal i always dreamed of.

your life dont depend on it so i say dont ruin a good relationship over this. not all dreams come true

touchmeder:

ok ive been in a wonderful relationship for a while and our aim is to get married. We keep talking of things we expect and all. one of the things i'd always loved right from when i was a kid is answering my fathers name in addition to my husbands. The first time i told him this he was like ''ok,we'd see'' .Over time he has changed his position on someother things (and so have i)but on this fathers name issue he has bluntly refused to budge. i have tried to explain,plead,beg lovingly and every other means but he is adamant. Why wont he allow this, if it means so much to me. he is a loving man whom i totally adore and is not the usual stuck up traditional african man. so whats with him and this issue. How can i convince him other wise because i think i'm fast losing this goal i always dreamed of.

If this is so very important to you, you need to move on and find a man who is willing to accomodate everything that you want.
Important things that are overlooked will always crop up once you are married and living together for a few years. every simple disagreement will then be magnified by those differences of opinions.

Dont most people add both together?

or what is the meaning of "Nee" that some people have?

DeReloaded:

Dont most people add both together?

or what is the meaning of "Nee" that some people have?

'Nee' is used in speech to show the original family name of the wife, it's not her legal name though.

I think she's talking about a hyphenated form like Oyebode-Adeyemo or something.

@ poster

Why try to convince him otherwise? Why can't you accede to what he wants in this case? I'm happy that you've had these discussions before getting married and he is very clear on his opinion on the matter. I personally don't think this should be as important as it seems to be to you.

The issue has to do with what he regards as the norm and being your husband. Women take on their husband's name and that's how it usually works. I guess he may feel it is an unreasonable demand by you since his mum didn't do the same and neither did your mum (i'm assuming here) so why would you?

U can keep ur maiden name through other ways like:
Keep using it at work
Bank and some other places where u've always been known by ur maiden name.
It's not compulsory u attach it to ur hubby's surname.

@ Poster

I sometimes wonder about that too but thankfully I have a very understanding man who isn't bugged down by all this traditional societal norms.

However, this isn't a big deal. Whether you take up his name or you keep your dad's name, its being with the man you love that matters. I'll love to keep ma daddy's name but my relationship with my boo takes precedence over such trivial matters.  

If you are not in a profession where your identity matters a lot e.g acting, musician etc I'd suggest you give in. By the way, if you guys are truly in love such a thing would be trivial

Iranoladun:

If you are not in a profession where your identity matters a lot e.g acting, musician etc I'd suggest you give in. By the way, if you guys are truly in love such a thing would be trivial

Sometimes in marriage, love becomes not as important as it was before you got married. . . especially where there have been a few disagreements.

debosky:

'Nee' is used in speech to show the original family name of the wife, it's not her legal name though.

I think she's talking about a hyphenated form like Oyebode-Adeyemo or something.

@

Are you against hyphenated?

is there really much wrong with hyphenated in general?

EyenEfik:

@ Poster

I sometimes wonder about that too but thankfully I have a very understanding man who isn't bugged down by all this traditional societal norms.

However, this isn't a big deal. Whether you take up his name or you keep your dad's name, its being with the man you love that matters. I'll love to keep ma daddy's name but my relationship with my boo takes precedence over such trivial matters.  

Excellent!

To those who are saying it's a trivial matter, why isn't it also trivial for the guy? Why is it so important that he wants her to change her name? I'm not saying he cannot want this, all I'm asking is that isn't there a better argument for his case? Because saying it's a trivial matter doesn't make sense to me since it seems it should be a trivial matter to both sides. No? Please enlighten me.

Personally, I haven't taken my husband's name yet (we've been married almost 3 years). I actually want to take his name, just haven't done so due to other complicated reasons. I do use his name in social settings (email, facebook, personal stuff, etc), just not legally (work, banks, etc). But this is because this is what I wanted to do.

I understand that it is the norm, this is what we are used to, so that's the reason why most people take their husband's names. Because it's the norm, not because it's trivial. I do believe though, that if for some reason it is that important to the OP, her husband should respect that. It's not like she's not taking his name at all. She's just hyphenating it. I'm not sure why "love" as stated by another poster doesnt apply to him? If he loves her, why can't he respect her wishes?

Why do we like creating problems for ourselves? It's just like saying that it's not a must you live together while married, what is important is that you're married.

If one of you don't compromise then I guess the "very good relationship" will be ruined.

I personally think it's a stupid reason to end a relationship. The women have always had to bear their husbands name so why do we want to twist it around and create unnecessary problems? This is not one of those women's right issues abeg. . . lol

.

You're right Radiant, it's not a women's right issue for me. To me personally, it really doesn't matter. I love using my husband's name, doesn't matter to me. But sometines names are important to others for whatever reason. Why shouldn't their opinions be listened to?

nana:

U can keep ur maiden name through other ways like:
Keep using it at work
Bank and some other places where u've always been known by ur maiden name.
It's not compulsory u attach it to ur hubby's surname.

Or you can make it your middle name. . . my mom did that.

It is very wrong , Since you are in your Husband house you should forget your fathers name

I hope this babe is not some closet extreme feminist.

Married women bear the husband's name. Case closed.

Exceptions? Well, I've only heard one argument for the woman keeping her dad's name, from a Trinidadian babe. Her dad has no son (she has no brother), her sister is married and adopted her husband's name (standard practice in our culture), and she is sad about the fact that her dad's name will no longer exist if she adopts her husband's name. That was an emotional argument that got to me, and I felt it was reasonable. Thankfully, her boyfriend also agrees with her case.

However, all those women that just want to show how "modern" they are by senseless rebellion of innocuous aspects of our culture must be reminded that the man is the head of the house!

@op
Are u the only child??
Personally i dont see anything wrong in it

I hope this babe is not some closet extreme feminist.

No sir not at all.

Or you can make it your middle name. . . my mom did that.

Are you against hyphenated?

Not at all i have suggested all these, he does not like the idea, not even the bank statement or even it bin on social sites like facebook or stuff

Are u the only child??

Nope i got one brother though,maybe i wana help him out. its more than that sha. i just love my surname.its always been with me and besides it sounds really nice

Finally i aint talking of ending any relationship thats not even bin contemplated by me, only wondering y its too hard for him to swallow. As smart and enlightened as he is. if he still insists till the end, i'd let it slide sadly. life would go on

To the OP, there's no real, tangible reason why he won't budge. It's simply because that is how it's always been in our culture. That's it. People get used to things, this is one of them. Some people manage to not let things like this bother them, but many cannot shake off the fact that this is how it's always been. People hyphenate their names all the time, but it's not as much of the norm as just taking your husband's name. This has nothing to do with the man being the head of the household (what does that have to do with changing or not changing one's name?). Humans are stubborn and we "like" tradition. It is just one of those things.

Make your current last name your middle name. That seems like the best solution for you. He can't possibly be against that, can he? That would be weird.

and how is it her husband's house? pleasee.

I'm not really a fan of hyphenated names, i rather have a woman keep her surname and not take mine. similar to Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva

.

bawomolo:

I'm not really a fan of hyphenated names, i rather have a woman keep her surname and not take mine. similar to Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva

I thought she only did that when it comes to acting since she was acting before she married him.

DeReloaded:

I thought she only did that when it comes to acting since she was acting before she married him.

Yeah you are right, that's the name the public knew her with. It shouldn't be a big deal if a woman wants to keep her surname now as per the children,

There is no need to help your brother, we all have our fantasies but life dosent always go our way so bear your man's name and be happy!

Thats al that matters girl! Happiness

sparta:

There is no need to help your brother, we all have our fantasies but life dosent always go our way so bear your man's name and be happy!

Thats al that matters girl! Happiness

may truth and common sense countinue to travel with you o. trouble dey sleep yanga go wake am. we like majoring on life's minors.

when did hyphenated names start in naija? i can understand joke silva and her group i cant stand as seen on face book hyphenated names. i dont accept any IV from them kind of people.

we should stay with doing things that are blessed rather than the jones are doing it kind of nonsence.

we got an invitation last week for a wedding. somewhere in there they said dress code lilac for traditional and something gold and whatever for reception. we have sent an email that we cant attend because we dont want to be the odd one out. how do these things improve our society?

JJYOU, are you saying that some things need to change in Nigeria? Like not having to wear certain colors to someone's wedding? I agree with you there.
But, you're also saying that in terms of changing one's name, that should not change? I'm only asking, because at first I thought you were saying that things should remain the same, and in the next breath, I think I read that you don't want them to (in regards to color/dress for weddings)? Am I getting this right?

And FYI, many people on facebook don't actually have hyphenated names in real life. They just use it on there so that their old friends can easily identify who they are. It's not like they really go by those names in real life, so relax. Not that someone else's decision should bother you to begin with.

fs:
To those who are saying it's a trivial matter, why isn't it also trivial for the guy? Why is it so important that he wants her to change her name? I'm not saying he cannot want this, all I'm asking is that isn't there a better argument for his case? Because saying it's a trivial matter doesn't make sense to me since it seems it should be a trivial matter to both sides. No? Please enlighten me.

I personally think it's trivial because being in a relationship means you have to make sacrifices. It's a give and take situation. Both partners have different idealogies but if they each stick to their various ways of thinking without making some form of compromise then i see no reason they should be marriage in the first place. Besides, what's in a name-change if it's a guy the girl really wants to spend the rest of her life with. There will definitely be other situations where the guy also has to compromise for the girl he loves,