Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR T

A first second teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than, punch a wrestler.

Never underestimate the power of, termites.

You can lead a horse to water but, how?

Don't bite the hand that, looks dirty.

No news is, impossible.

A miss is as good as a, Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new, maths.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll, stink in the morning.

Love all, trust, me.

The pen is mightier than the, pencil.

An idle mind is, the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's, pollution.

A penny saved is, not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what, you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and, you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as, Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not, spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries.

You get out of something what you, see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear, "Have
you ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said, "No."
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"

A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new, " He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new, " He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again,deposit 50,000 in my account, "

A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.

"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"

"I earned it STAYING AWAY FROM MOM," replied the boy.

"WHAT Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money THROUGH STAYING AWAY FROM HIS MUM . Where did you Really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take STAY AWAY FROM MOM "

rian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for

dinner. Love, Brian".

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains
that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

LESSON OF THE DAY , NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an HOUR

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a
giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"


"Well teacher, I just saw your bra ."


"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."


The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very
top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder
giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"


"Well miss, I just saw your bra again."


Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for the next three weeks

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.


"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well
teacher, from what I just saw, my school days in this school are over.
==============laugh it off

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves

The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."

"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.

The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."

"Thank you, Sam."

The third student says, "My name is Johnny FuckDAYS."

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny FuckDAYS. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a FuckDAYS in here?"

One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was TWO bottleS of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's DRUNK"

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Vveneral Disease Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "NO DISTURBING."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species, "

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes, ," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the table was a large pile of apples and chocolates chips cookies. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE……God is watching."

Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was the large pile of chocolate chip cookies. LITTLE JOHNNY had written a note: "Take all you want……God is watching the apples."

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

"No," said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag, " When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.

The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it.

On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered for the skunk, asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet.

The husband replied: "well, stick him up your dress".

The wife, again concered, asked: "what about the smell?".

The husband replied: "awww, he'll get use to it."

The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and
catches him putting on a condom.

He says, "What are you doing, Pop? The father
stutters "I'm going to kill a mouse, son."

The kid says, "What are you going to do, Bleep him
to death?"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Damn,
where on earth did u get all this from!
U must be the right type to chill with at a lovely bar.

@ self-services, thanks.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 180 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.
When the husband sees that he says:
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".