Partner's Choosing! Whose Decision Is Final: Ones Pastor Or Parents?

Is it proper for ones pastor to give final decision and approval to one who a person should get married to What about the decision and approval of ones parents on the issue, especially when it conflicts with the choice of the man of God?

Dear Akintos_o;
Yours is a very funny question. I will tell you whose decision is final about who you'll be getting married to.
Answer: YOU!!!! Not your pastor and not even your parents. With all due respect, they are both to advise, ask questions to guide, query certain issues if necessary, pray with you e.tc but ultimately the final decision is YOURS.
If you are waiting for somebody's final decision before getting married, you are probably not ready or matured enough to get married.
Peace.

@Havila
Again you spoke my very mind.
The decision is ultimately that of the individual involved.Others should only serve in advisory capacity.

havila,

u are speaking my mind,u are right ,paradventure if your parfents are not given their approval and your pastor is supporting u,try and excercise patience ,pray about it and explain to to them and it will surprise u God himself will convince them to give their approval.but if your parents are saying yes and ur pastor is saying no,u need to give it a 2nd thought.most especially if your parents are not strong believers.

Lastly,Akintos , for you to know the right partner,u need love and u can only find love in God.until u know God through Jesus u can rightly choose,u cant give wat u dont have.Believe and confess jesus today,He will help u to choose right.

Your pastor's approval is very necessary so also your parents approval. You also need to have inner peace which makes you equally important. I advise you to read pastor Bimbo Odukoya's book '165 Questions To Ask, How to choose a life partner.

Hi All,

Akintos_o ~ Firstly, a proper reading of the Bible clearly shows that the role/position/office of "Pastor" as currently used in many Nigerian churches does not exist.

Listen carefully, God does not assign a pastor to anyone, or anyone to a pastor.

With that in mind I'll share a little of what I believe the Bible instructs on this delicate issue.
Parents are responsible for raising their children to adulthood/maturity. Giving their offspring away in marriage is the final step in releasing them into full adulthood.

Prior to marrying children are under their parents authority. The choice of who to marry is ultimately the childs, but it should be done with the utmost regard to the judgement and in consultation with the parents. In fact I would go as far as to say that if good Christian parents object for solid reasons thy can show scriptural backing and discernment for, the marriage should at least be put on hold. It's the parents who are charged with preparing and readying their children for marriage (knowing God's will, understanding the roles, responsibilities, the personal and societal import, the characteristics of a suitable spouse etc. etc).

"For this reason a man shall leave his father & mother"

Pastor who? for what?? what for

notes:

1. Quite a few of us are first generation or "immigrant" Christians. As such the well developed christian family structure, that arises from generations of Christianity may not be in place. Many become Christians late in life. They may be orphans or the children of unbelievers with different values and marriage traditions. There is obviously need for remedial action to ensure that Christians marry in a Christian manner. This is to some degree captured by marriage/ singles forums. But the truth is these should not be the norm.

2. It makes absolute sense to broaden consultations and incorporate a wider body of knowledge/experience into the process. Mature Christians, elders and long married couples should be consulted to help prepare the couple in the aspects of and changes wrought by marriage. But again the best model is always upright Christian parents. The Lord knew that Abraham would command his family after him. In the absence of these, see point 1 above.

I hope this helps. But please feel free to diasgree or otherwise comment.

God bless

@Akintos
I am sorry if my first response sounds a little military style. However, I might disagree with TV01 a little because he appears to think Pastors might not very necessary.
I however agree with him about the need for wide but relevant consultations.
You will pray about it; Pastors will give guidance and spiritual insight into your relationship; Parents with definitely have to give their approval but the ultimate decision lies with you, this is the beginning of real responsiblity. myyseun said you need to have inner peace. Correct, but what is this inner peace? It is when there is no query or doubt in your mind about whatever decision you take, that is either to marry the person or not. You must have to be truthful to your self, to reason and counselling and advices given before you can get to the stage of inner peace.

Brethren let us be careful in importing new age occultic language into Christianity.
The Bible speaks of peace,inner peace is new age.

men and women prayerfully choose their spouses.
He/she must be a Bible believing Christian like you.This is the most important criterion.
Leave your parents and pastor from making a decision for you so that you don't blame them when any katakata arises.

@Babyosisi,
True the Bible talks of the 'peace of God that passeth all understanding'; but the peace will be inside us in our mind, abi? That is what I mean by inner peace as a 'meaning' in my follow-up post; and not a 'definition as used in the new age movement'.
I already assume we must be talking of a born again and praying potential couple here, otherwise he wont be asking about seeking pastors approval, right? I hope I am not 'over-assuming'.
But the fact is the final decision is yours.

Neither. The decision is entirely yours after careful consideration and consultations. Your parents and pastor only advise.
Marriage is a family affair and has less to do with the church.

EmemJU:

Marriage is a family affair and has less to do with the church.

@Ememju,
Thanks 4 ur comment however this statement of yours above is very debateable; but I will be grateful if you can clarify further what you mean so I do not read wrong meanings into your statements with all due respect.
However, in doing this note that Marriage is Not just the ceremony performed, but 'marriage' actually starts after the 'ceremony'. I have some statistics that could point at the important role of church and/or fellowship with other christians in a successful marriage. Thanks.

Here's a brilliant idea. Why don't you grow up and choose your partner yourself? Geez.

@ Seun
I think that's the best thing to do. but i will also advice that you add preyers to your maturity. as we all know that with God, all things are possible.

As we're living in an african society, pastor or no pastor, marriage MUST hold when the peeps concerned agree, together with their parents consent of course,

What is the pastor's involvement if i may ask, is he goin to boycot the marriage or wat

Meen, i think only parents consent should be sought OR una wan turn am to Rev. Dr King again, lol

Guys

To be honest neither the both party has the final decision every thing boils down to those who want to get married the best and highest they can do is to advice. mind you none of them would be there to help out when the marriage trouble comes.

its more of a family thing than a church thing

personally,i think the final say rests on the parents.this is the normal thing and this happens when the circumstances surrounding it is okay.let's take a case where the parents are biased tribally,religiously or financially and the person's happiness relies on the wedlock.the pastor or imam has to wade int the matter.
both parties are very important to the survival of the wedlock,they have different roles to play and they should not be misinterpreted

Neither of God has the final say. That rests with God and YOU. But if the question is who consent is more vital, i will say that of parents. Even the bible and our culture accentuate this. My pastor cannot, for any reason, overrule my choice of partner. The most he can do is to disagree and still join us. If not, one can always get joined elsewhere.

However, my parents' objection is more weighty and deserving of thought. They have the right to either agree or not. But even if they do disagree, the idea thing is to work on them and wait until they change their minds. Those who went ahead without this always bite their fingers.

So, if it about consent, my parents have the right to. But no pastor has the final say on who anyone marries. It amounts to overstretched powers for any pastor to expect anyone to marry whoever he deems fit. If he has to do that, then he has failed as a pastor to tutor his flock on how to take the most important issue in life. Members should be left to their convictions. Sikena!

I hand over the baton.

When I choose a partner, I won't ask anyone for approval. If they offer any disagreeable advice, I'll just tell them to go and jump into a lagoon. If they don't attend the wedding, I'll have saved some money.

The illusion of independence is very important to me. Happiness means never having to ask for permission.

But remember also that the bible says in the muititude of counsellors, a wise decision is taken. Don't therefore see it mainly as your perogative. Even thou, you of a truth would take the final decision, it is always good to seek advise from other people. Most people dating are often blind to the faults of their dating patners. It takes a neutral person to see things you don't yourself see at these periods. So in conclusion, both i.e. pastor and parents are relevant. You attend a church to get spiritual guidance and as such, it is one of their duties to you. A good pastor would therefore take an interest in your choice of marriage partner and pray along with you and want to ask questions to ascertain you're sure of what you're doing. Parents too being our earthly custodians God begeth us to are responsible into guiding us into marrying the right persons. Remember the role Isaac or Abraham played in choosing a wife for his son. In fact most good churches would tell you anyday that parental consent is very vital in the issue of marriage. They have the experience and raised you up, and above all, God has given them the grace and spiritual capability to discern some things that are hidden to us. Whether your parents are believers or not, you still need to pray to make them come around as you never can tell what they have seen. And I do not support the fact that because you solely chose your partner for marriage would make you not to blame anyone for the choice of that partner when you run into problems later with him/her. In fact, it is a good reason to even blame either your pastors or parents for not giving you enough spiritual and parental guidance. God placed these people over you for a purpose. They are a special authority in our lives.

the choice is absolutely those who are getting married not the pastor
he is there to take kia of people's spiritual kini
and not to dabble into suggesting who marries who
the parents may have a say b/cos the will definitely
be part of the wedlock

MINE

its not my pastor nor my parents thats going to be living with my wife, I will live with my wife, argue with my wife, fight with my wife, go through difficult time with my wife, be rich with my wife, sleep with my wife not my pastor nor my parents. so why should a third persons opinion matter in finding your LIFE PARTNER (HOPEFULLY)

It kinda baffles me to see people talking about their pastor will decide on whether or not they should marry somebody, am like thats lack of confidence and dignity.

regardless LIFE SUCKS CACTUS ROX

If you need a second opinion on who you want to spend the rest of your life with then may be , you have made the wrong choice. On two occassions i badly need the approval of my family to enable to accept a marraige proposal, and now when i look back i know i was not really into the men, when you find the right thing or person, theres no second guessing, you'll need blessings, but not approval, as long as ur partner is in Christ, if ur feeling him, it is well

Sugarbaby:

If you need a second opinion on who you want to spend the rest of your life with then may be , you have made the wrong choice. On two occassions i badly need the approval of my family to enable to accept a marraige proposal, and now when i look back i know i was not really into the men, when you find the right thing or person, theres no second guessing, you'll need blessings, but not approval, as long as your partner is in Christ, if your feeling him, it is well

You are so right on dear.
When you find yourself needing approval,you may actually be looking for someone to voice out the NO you were unable to tell yourself.
When you meet Mr Right,you will definitely know.

Pastors and parents will not live with you. They can only advise based on what see or hear. They are not to decide for you. He who finds a good wife, is what the Bible says and not he whom a wife is given or decided for. I think urs is to find the wife of ur dream and ask them for their blessings. I believe the final decision on marriage is urs. You are the one the knows what you want in life and who you want to live life with. Prayerfully take charge of ur life from the begining and things will be okay with u.

i believe the only person who should say in anybody's marriage r the ppl getting married. when ppl start givin advice that they arent involved in that when trouble starts.

@Seun I couldn’t help laughing when I read ur post. I agree with u. LOL. But at least lets ask God for permission and our parents for blessings

[size=8pt]@everybody here[/size][size=8pt][/size][/color]

[color=#000099]Now let me give u a real life situation.i am in Nigeria and my fiancee is in America,she travelled 2yrs now,but her mum doenst approve of her marrying me basis TRIBALISTIC.shes yoruba and am IGBO,now take a look at that, we have been friends for 5years b/4 she travelled we are very very very close and love each other so much.what do u all think i should do??since her mum doent approve of me,her dad is late. she says she loves me but only pressures from family i need advice on here from evryone cos shes supposed to come back for the weding soon.
one more thing i went to see her mum here in Nigeria and told her of my desire to marry her daughter and guess what she said? she said that she can not stop her daughter from marrying who she wants but that we should pray and put everything in the hands of God, what u all think?

Hey! The issue of choosing the right partner and the decision taken is a very serious issue, it is not to be easily outdone.

First, you have to respect the decision of your Pastor(that if if u r sure of his spiritual background.), because he is a spiritually minded person. He know more than you know. He sees more than wat u can see.
Another thing is this: If at all your Pastor discourages you from continuing the relationship, You demand outrightly the right to know the reason for you to do so, and confirm if it might be true or not. SO that you case will not be an "HAD I KNOWN" case.
After all this, you go to the Lord for Guidance and more insight.

Parents decision as well should not be outdone. They are more experienced in the field. They might fore-see forthcoming trouble that they would want you to go thru. You should also demaor proper explanation.
One thing with parents is this: when they hate you partner, they wouldnt want to associate with the person, So u have to watch carefully to know if its hate or sometn else.

After all this, you must go to God in prayer. if u r sincere to urself and to him, He will surely will reveal things to you. Revealing thing here might not necesarily come in dreams or vesions. It can come as signs, things will start happening and at the end of the day, the truth shall be made manifest.

wetin kon concern agboro with overload? since when did pastors have any say on this? neways, not MY 'pastor' (Rev)

The decision is with the people that are getting married. What has it to do with a pastor or the parents.

They should keep out of it other than the pastor should conduct the ceremony and the parents should pay for the wedding party!

Quite simple really

none of them has the final say,

all they have is there legal and biblical right to perform.

marriage final decisions lie on the intending couple.

cheers

In as much as we would be obliged to seek the opinion or views of those more experienced than us, the fact remains that the INDIVIDUAL is in a better position to decide who his/her life partner should be. Life is a blessing that is better imagined. My candid opinion remains that the ultimate choice should be one that gives joy and happiness. God bless.