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How Do I Correct This.... - Family (2) - Nairaland

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Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Nobody: 3:17pm On Jan 03, 2016
The reason why the God factor is important in marriage. It is never as clear as white, looking at the reasons you gave they are very perfect in our eyes as humans but it is only God that makes the difference through revelation. You talked about she not praying with you, I want to ask was it like that before you married her?. Did you bring God into the equation during courtship or you felt that everything was in place already so let me jump in. For the yet to be married ones, you need to seek the face of God. Please marry God fearing spouses, somebody who you know loves the things of God not pretenders and you will never regret.

6 Likes

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Roland17(m): 3:30pm On Jan 03, 2016
Get a grip of your household young man!!!!

"Sadly the woman you claim she has become is the woman she truly is and its your choice to accept this disappointment or become indifferent and paddle the canoe alone albeit in a different direction"

Assertiveness should be a dominant character trait of any mature man and women appreciate men with such traits, your decisions making and mannerism should ooze the aura of respect in your household, your presence is being taken for granted, you don't have to be controlling or physical but certain decisions going forward would guarantee this.

When you assessed a loan for her to establish a business and did not make her jointly responsible for servicing the loan you shunted your respect and she fed into that.

When you witnessed different maids subjected to physical and mental torture and you ignored, you were fanning her embers of dominance and control.

When her cousin from the village stopped attending school because your wife who is not even responsible for the fees withdrew her, you turned a blind eye even after your confrontations and rants.

Truth is your wife is calling your bluffs!!!!!!she understands you would never be assertive in certain decisions thus would allow you vent and that would be it, it is especially troubling when you consider your daughter is watching, kids are receptive to environment, language and tone of speech and would invariably start reacting to those factors.

With regards to educational advancement I personally think it's her choice if she decides to pursue graduate studies but in some aspects you have encouraged her redundancy and this has led to laziness and and a despicable lifestyle which also affects her health with regards to her weight.

If possible head back to the company that processed the loan and change the terms of the loan, make her primarily responsible for servicing the loan and you can become the secondary partner, in the instance the terms can't be reviewed make her accountable with the business and if she refuses shut the business down....yes shut it down..

Stop any further hiring of maids, personal assistant especially under aged kids within the house or business except a contract that states the terms and conditions of work and responsibilities attached.

Invite her parents to your house and in her presence explain all your frustrations, (your house would be better in the instance where you are overwhelmed by the frustrations, it would be in your house, so nobody claims disrespected in their house) this is not because you are inviting a third party into your marriage affairs but because you want a witness, don't sound like you deserve pity, vent like you have had enough but also respectfully and make it clear changes have to happen in the marriage going forward.

Look inwardly and also find instances where you can improve yourself.

And for Christ sake get a grip of your family...

10 Likes

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Fraih(f): 8:09pm On Jan 03, 2016
From this story, I reckon that Marriage aint gona be a smooth ride all the way, one just has to be prepared well for what it holds.
#learningFromtheCommentsAbove.
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by WHOcarex: 8:16pm On Jan 03, 2016
sad
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Vikky014(f): 8:23pm On Jan 03, 2016
drdrei09:
Go nd call her here, i need to hear her own side of the story before i pass my judgement.
seconded
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Vikky014(f): 8:33pm On Jan 03, 2016
intbizoil:
The reason why the God factor is important in marriage. It is never as clear as white, looking at the reasons you gave they are very perfect in our eyes as humans but it is only God that makes the difference through revelation. You talked about she not praying with you, I want to ask was it like that before you married her?. Did you bring God into the equation during courtship or you felt that everything was in place already so let me jump in. For the yet to be married ones, you need to seek the face of God. Please marry God fearing spouses, somebody who you know loves the things of God not pretenders and you will never regret.
Nice advice
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Miami11: 8:37pm On Jan 03, 2016
Endtime marriages

Wonder if you picked her from church and recommendations.

Some people have wicked hearts. It's their personality you will never make them good people. Usually they pick fights with anyone around them.that your wife might be these people.
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Vikky014(f): 8:42pm On Jan 03, 2016
Welder:
Happy New Year People!

Four (4) years of marriage and I have been asking myself... I probably did wrong by marrying her. All I get now is insults like bastard, idiot, immature short man, etc...I have also been assaulted physically. Strangely, I have never raised my hands against her. Maybe am a weakling like she says...maybe!

My crime? Not sure...ranges from telling her things she does that are very wrong. Okay, a bit of our backgrounds....am 33, she's 29; we have a beautiful 3yr old girl. I work while she declined saying she would rather go into business. In summary, I got a loan to set her up, now she runs a fashion shop where she sells women beauty products(makeup, beads), wedding gowns etc.

Issues: She curses and hits the assistant (some refer to them as maids) at the slightest opportunity, now being from a very humble background; i show respect and love as much as i can to everyone. She will make them do the house chores from morning till night and you wonder how big a 3bedroom apartment is; most of the girls left after one or two months since they couldn't stand the constant torture and torment. I have had to step in on most occasions; especially when am back from work and someone is still cleaning some window and they haven't eaten all day. In her usual mannerisms, she says there must be more to my standing up for them...always insinuating that I probably am having an affair. She changes them also, for reasons that varies from not liking the way she looks to not answering her when she calls them. She recently got a cousin of hers from the village recently and while the move made sense to me since we can help her with better education and morally upright life; my wife's attitude wouldn't give it a rest. She hits this 10yr old constantly and makes her go through the same routine like the previous assistants. I had enrolled the 10 yr old girl in the same school with our child (to the chagrin of madam); even though the move set me back by almost 300k; I was just happy that she will be learning. To my horror, th school headmistress called me close to the end of last term about the constant absence of this child, I confronted my wife who denied it. On a work and school day, I decided to come home unannounced, only to see this 10yr old washing some clothes. I was very angry and confronted my wife who said the school had finished exams and were not doing anything meaningful, and my question was, why allow our baby there then?

She's very fat. Even though our baby is 3+, wifey still looks like she's 8months pregnant. Simple eating habits are not practiced, she eats late into the night daily and really does consume large doses. Even though am 4yrs older, she looks way older than I am. I reckon its due to her bad eating habits.

We are both graduates, while I have a masters degree and just rounded up an MBA with some other professional qualifications on the side; she isn't interested in furthering her education. The business that was setup with huge funds over 2yrs ago hasnt turned in a single dime. That is inspite of me solely bearing the loan repayments, salaries of the sales girls and the previous assistants at home...and am wondering what have i gotten myself into.

Lastly, she wouldn't go to church, wouldn't pray with me, wouldn't read or do anything meaningful but tell me how her friends are been taken care of by their hubbies. Constantly on FB, Instagram, 2go, Twitter and even Nairaland.I hope she sees this!

Am wondering, how exactly do i resolve this litany of issues. Divorce isnt an option, talking to her family to intervene isnt an option either as I don't want third parties in our home. It just breaks me...she is very different from the girl i married.
PRAY OVER IT

She need deliverance

3 Likes

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Onegai(f): 8:48pm On Jan 03, 2016
I really am sorry you're going through all of this. Did this start immediately after marriage or was there a gradual build-up with a turning point?

I'm trying to understand this. I've seen something like this (with differences) in another couple's life and it makes no sense why someone will change so drastically. And that physical violence on her part, you should NOT take that from her or anyone.
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by pragmatistm(m): 9:31pm On Jan 03, 2016
Double post.
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by pragmatistm(m): 9:32pm On Jan 03, 2016
Kindly read these articles on setting domestic issues. You can discuss the points with your wife also. You can save your marriage by applying the points there.

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201512/family-strife-how-it-happens/

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201512/stop-strife-at-home/

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201512/differences-in-marriage/

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by BluStreak(m): 10:55pm On Jan 03, 2016
@OP, before the table turns against you, take the matter to her parents before she does. This is because, if she does before you, she is definitely going to paint a different and demeaning pictures about you and her family will believe her story, after all they are her family you know. And guess what? That will make you the bad guy in the fold.

You are a good man, don't let your wife drive you to an early grave. She definitely will find someone else to comfort her and you will be gone for good.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by BuddhaPalm(m): 1:22am On Jan 04, 2016
This should help: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/

Start by reading the side-bar contents.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by drmikeadams(m): 1:32am On Jan 04, 2016
byvan03:
Send the little girl home and save her life, stop bringing helps and stop paying them. The next time she abuses you, act like a demon possessed man. Open your door and force her out of the house, throw her bags after her. Trust me she won't believe what happened, let her know that you got it in you, a soft man can't manage your wife.

You said she abuse you physically abi? Make sure it doesn't slide next time, recharge her two or three slaps in quick succession, if she comes for more, give her more. I guess that's the kind of man she wants, a mad man . You need to show this woman a different version, most times peace will never come without war. I hate violence on women but I always make an exception for physically abusive women, it's self defence not battery.
?..I for give u 2chilled bottles of origin if say u dey near me....op just need to be u predictable for one.day..I go supply am Weed,if em smoke finish,em go act Wetin em wan act..the wife just need to see the other Side of him..

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Welder(m): 5:38pm On Jan 04, 2016
Thank you all for your responses.

intbizoil:
The reason why the God factor is important in marriage. It is never as clear as white, looking at the reasons you gave they are very perfect in our eyes as humans but it is only God that makes the difference through revelation. You talked about she not praying with you, I want to ask was it like that before you married her?. Did you bring God into the equation during courtship or you felt that everything was in place already so let me jump in. For the yet to be married ones, you need to seek the face of God. Please marry God fearing spouses, somebody who you know loves the things of God not pretenders and you will never regret.

This is quite revealing. In retrospect, I believe I must have overlooked this aspect. The signs were there from the beginning.

Onegai:
I really am sorry you're going through all of this. Did this start immediately after marriage or was there a gradual build-up with a turning point?
I'm trying to understand this. I've seen something like this (with differences) in another couple's life and it makes no sense why someone will change so drastically. And that physical violence on her part, you should NOT take that from her or anyone.

It actually started when she got pregnant, just after marriage. She became very aggressive and lashes out, I thought it was some hormones hence I just let it slide. She just got worse after delivery.

Vikky014:
PRAY OVER IT
She need deliverance
Doing that already. God will take control. Thank you so much.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by wwwkaycom(m): 5:12am On Jan 05, 2016
Welder:
Happy New Year People!

Four (4) years of marriage and I have been asking myself... I probably did wrong by marrying her. All I get now is insults like bastard, idiot, immature short man, etc...I have also been assaulted physically. Strangely, I have never raised my hands against her. Maybe am a weakling like she says...maybe!

My crime? Not sure...ranges from telling her things she does that are very wrong. Okay, a bit of our backgrounds....am 33, she's 29; we have a beautiful 3yr old girl. I work while she declined saying she would rather go into business. In summary, I got a loan to set her up, now she runs a fashion shop where she sells women beauty products(makeup, beads), wedding gowns etc.

Issues: She curses and hits the assistant (some refer to them as maids) at the slightest opportunity, now being from a very humble background; i show respect and love as much as i can to everyone. She will make them do the house chores from morning till night and you wonder how big a 3bedroom apartment is; most of the girls left after one or two months since they couldn't stand the constant torture and torment. I have had to step in on most occasions; especially when am back from work and someone is still cleaning some window and they haven't eaten all day. In her usual mannerisms, she says there must be more to my standing up for them...always insinuating that I probably am having an affair. She changes them also, for reasons that varies from not liking the way she looks to not answering her when she calls them. She recently got a cousin of hers from the village recently and while the move made sense to me since we can help her with better education and morally upright life; my wife's attitude wouldn't give it a rest. She hits this 10yr old constantly and makes her go through the same routine like the previous assistants. I had enrolled the 10 yr old girl in the same school with our child (to the chagrin of madam); even though the move set me back by almost 300k; I was just happy that she will be learning. To my horror, th school headmistress called me close to the end of last term about the constant absence of this child, I confronted my wife who denied it. On a work and school day, I decided to come home unannounced, only to see this 10yr old washing some clothes. I was very angry and confronted my wife who said the school had finished exams and were not doing anything meaningful, and my question was, why allow our baby there then?

She's very fat. Even though our baby is 3+, wifey still looks like she's 8months pregnant. Simple eating habits are not practiced, she eats late into the night daily and really does consume large doses. Even though am 4yrs older, she looks way older than I am. I reckon its due to her bad eating habits.

We are both graduates, while I have a masters degree and just rounded up an MBA with some other professional qualifications on the side; she isn't interested in furthering her education. The business that was setup with huge funds over 2yrs ago hasnt turned in a single dime. That is inspite of me solely bearing the loan repayments, salaries of the sales girls and the previous assistants at home...and am wondering what have i gotten myself into.

Lastly, she wouldn't go to church, wouldn't pray with me, wouldn't read or do anything meaningful but tell me how her friends are been taken care of by their hubbies. Constantly on FB, Instagram, 2go, Twitter and even Nairaland.I hope she sees this!

Am wondering, how exactly do i resolve this litany of issues. Divorce isnt an option, talking to her family to intervene isnt an option either as I don't want third parties in our home. It just breaks me...she is very different from the girl i married.
send her packing asap
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by angelTI(f): 6:52am On Jan 05, 2016
End time wife!!!!
Re: How Do I Correct This.... by jabojafa(m): 8:29am On Jan 05, 2016
Op u seems to be too soft and dt is why she is misbehaving. U may hv noticed d differenc btw GEJ n PMB govt. GEJ was so soft n u saw happend. PMB is been hard and u r seein d differenc. U shdnt be investing anymore to her business again. Let her manage d business with wot she makes from der. If you dont caution her in d way she treats n beat ppl children, she might end up killin sum1 child. Also d seed of wickednes she is sowin today u wud surely reap it. Op u hv to really be d head of ur home in action/deed and nt in words. Ur wife hv no rite to insult u. Abt d religious aspect didnt u notice b4 hand? Its only prayer dt wud mk her change. So keep prayin to God abt her cos der is not God cnt do. Jst do sometin u hv neva done God b4 and He inturn will grant ur request. Lastly i dont tink u even need hus help. U got jst one child. U wife isnt a banker. And ther shdnt be much work in ur hus sef with jst 3ppl living. Insist on no hus help n she shd take up her responsibilty as a wife. Communication is d key. Always communicate with her.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by GodnGold: 9:07am On Jan 05, 2016
@welder,you are nagging about her physique,talk to her about it.
Be blunt if you like,tell her those women she says their hubby are taking care of look better than her(na as me and my bugatti deh joke)
Finally,tell her that you won't be a party to ill treating a person's child.
Mean it when you say it by threatening to call the girl's parents.
Stop interfering with her work and how she deals with her workers.
Women are unbelievable!
But the cousin who is directly under you,you should look out for her.
Address this issue of maltreating a child with seriousness.
Women do a lot of things that we see everyday and marvel.
Stop nagging,learn to turn a blind eye to issues that don't affect you directly,stay out of her space,so that you will live a long healthy life.
Life in Nigeria is hard,nobody should make it worse.

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by ahnie: 11:46am On Jan 05, 2016
You go sabi Borrow ppl husband's ooh
SexyStrawberry:


Typical Nigerian man for don marry another woman put on top of her head or have numerous mistresses wey go make the wife sit up by fire by force! On what grounds should she be insulting a man she calls her husband? It's coz she has no competitor
#second owners#

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by halfaplot(m): 1:22pm On Jan 05, 2016
I'm sorry about your ordeals in this marriage,it's just your side of the story we've had though,but it's obvious you are a good Man. Lemme add this quickly which could be helpful.
1. Please don't give up on your marriage yet
2. Continue being the caring, responsible,humble and dedicated FATHER,just for the SAKE of your precious DAUGHTER.
3. Learn and try to close your eyes to ALL affairs in her business jurisdiction
4. Keep communicating with your wife NO matter what(response or not)
5 Buy relationship inspiring books to learn more about other people's experiences
6. Loving consult her parents or ANYONE she respects soo much for reconciliatory moves between you two
7. Consult a marriage counsellor with deep spiritual understanding(based on your religious views)
8. Keep praying and believing,not focusing on how God would resolve the crisis
9. Give your daughter more years to grow up to maturity a bit more,if your wife wouldn't change over time...QUIT abeg,so you don't die prematurely.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by Qualer: 3:06pm On Jan 05, 2016
GodnGold:
@welder,you are nagging about her physique,talk to her about it.
Be blunt if you like,tell her those women she says their hubby are taking care of look better than her(na as me and my bugatti deh joke)
Finally,tell her that you won't be a party to ill treating a person's child.
Mean it when you say it by threatening to call the girl's parents.
Stop interfering with her work and how she deals with her workers.
Women are unbelievable!
But the cousin who is directly under you,you should look out for her.
Address this issue of maltreating a child with seriousness.
Women do a lot of things that we see everyday and marvel.
Stop nagging,learn to turn a blind eye to issues that don't affect you directly,stay out of her space,so that you will live a long healthy life.
Life in Nigeria is hard,nobody should make it worse.

Re: How Do I Correct This.... by ATMC(f): 10:54pm On Jan 05, 2016
Try walking away. Something good might come out of that move.

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