Check out this news excerpt:

MICHAEL OWEN has sent a glossy 34- page brochure about HIMSELF to eight Premier League clubs in a desperate attempt to find a new team for next season.

It is believed to be the first time in Premier League history that a player has produced his own prospectus to prompt a transfer.

The one-time golden boy of English football and former European Footballer of the Year has been reduced to hawking himself around after suffering the ignominy of relegation with Newcastle.

The brochure - circulated by Owen's management company Wasserman Media Group - has been sent to eight top-flight clubs, including Aston Villa, Everton, Portsmouth and West Ham.

In it, WMG boast about the benefits of signing the ex-England striker, his clean-cut image, commercial value and goalscoring prowess and include a medical report.

The brochure rivals any produced by top-end estate agents to advertise multi-million mansions.

Just imagine, folks - For Sale: A magnificent, luxury two-legged footballer, set on a picturesque plot in the North East of England.

Backs on to racecourse (at every opportunity). High maintenance, but must be seen to be appreciated. £80,000 per week, or nearest offer, subject to contract.

But WMG have dropped a brick in trying to allay fears about the 29-year-old's injury-prone record.

The sales details state Owen, who signed for Newcastle in a £16m move from Real Madrid four years ago, has appeared in 77 per cent of the Toon's games in the last two years.

But that's a bit of a sales clanger considering Mike Ashley's Magpies have suffered the shame of dropping out of the Premier League despite Owen's involvement.

Sam Rush, WMG's chief operating officer, explained the brochure, saying: "Although there's been interest from abroad, Michael told us he'd prefer to stay in the Prem.

"So after the season ended, we prepared a document showing all the information an interested club would require and this was circulated to a select group.

Quite pathetic for the once deadly striker