I was in traffic along Iyana Ipaja and I saw a pawpaw hawker offload his pawpaw, walked over to one side of the road, pulled down his zipper, brought out this wiwi and began scattering urine on the concrete.
He didn’t even care that it was daylight and people were passing. I was seated by the window and I could see his thing in full view. What infuriated me was the manner he held it as though he was potty training.

The urine had rolled towards his fingers and was dripping from his thumb. When he had relieved himself, he shook it a few times as tiny droplets splattered on his trousers before he picked up his tray of freshly peeled pawpaw from the road.
My microscopic eyes were still on him when our vehicle started to move as soon as the traffic gave way. Another vehicle maneuvered to where we once parked and an unsuspecting lady in the front seat called the hawker for pawpaw. I slowly turned away.

If you follow my Twitter or my Facebook page, you must have read the post I made on the dirty iya basira I met.
For those who didn’t read it, I went to buy food one early morning and beside where the food was, a woman was brushing her teeth vigorously and making those ‘crogggggg crogggg’ noise. That froggy noise of trying to gag mucus from the pit of the belly. I was so disgusted!
I took my food flask and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. The dirty woman was holding her brush in one hand with toothpaste foam that had formed moustache and beards, shouting.
“Sister! Come back na”
Because what she was doing was perfectly normal. After all, I was the hungry one that wanted N250 rice, not her.

I don’t even want to go into details of market women that will be selling ewedu in a stainless pot and beneath the table, their kids/toddlers are shitting ewedu on the floor. And they think its cute!!!
Because both colours match.

There is also an aboki next door that makes bread and egg every morning.
6:45am, you would see him putting one hand on the waist and using the other hand to scratch his penis like recharge card.
6:50am, he is beating an egg for an unsuspecting customer. You’ll ask for only salt and pepper in your fried egg but end up getting fried eggs with spices like a drop of sperm, dried urine and one or two strands pubic hair.
I wasn’t surprised when I heard someone purge for two days after having his bread and egg.
It’s now a crime to eat bread and egg outside. Common agege bread.

My brother has sworn never to buy sachet fanice yoghurt/ice-cream ever since he saw an aboki using the scissors to shave his beards under a mango tree.
Probably the same scissors he uses to trim armpit hair.
And he thinks it’s okay.
Unlike my brother, I don’t have the willpower to stop patronising them. Cos N100 fanice is my on-the-go-icecream, until coldstone Ice-Cream or sweet kiwi yoghurt is slashed to N200 per cup.
I am patiently waiting.

These are my most recent encounters with food vendors and road side hawkers. Eighty percent of the time, I eat out. (for personal & complicated reasons)
It’s not Eko Hotel Buffet, KFC, Chicken Republic or Sweet Sensation cos I don’t wash Eko Hotel toilet after eating. I cut my coat according to my size and go for the Iya Basira at your backyard and it’s frightening I would never know what goes on among these food vendors behind closed doors.

“Stir the jollof rice oh, add five teaspoon of thyme, add pepper, add one basin of well water, add the meat from yesterday’s gbegeri, add three cubes of white maggi, one cube of knor, oya add two spoons of lassa fever…”

Pause.

I spent a lot of money on medication from food poisoning in December. Twice.
Anyway, I can’t wait to make money so I can ‘manage’ KFC for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

http://www.naijasinglegirl.com/before-they-kill-me/

Add two spoons of lassa fever!

Those mallams don't pee normally, they stoop down to pee. Some years ago my brother and I saw this one selling those nuts- I can't remember the name now- they push on wheelbarrow. After stooping on a gutter to do his business and using his hands to clean up, he still used those same hands to put fisi for an innocent, unsuspecting customer.

My mum has told me severally that if I watch the preparation of Kilishi with all the dirtiness of the mallams and the flies perching, I'd never eat it again.

Naijasinglegirl hafa? U neva marry?

smh

Naija Single Girl. When will you get married?

Chai NSG... I am already feeling disgust by reading this. I get irritated easily, that's why I don't eat other food other than the one from my pot

Although I eat food from certified eateries like S.s., Tantis and others ... May God help us.

You for take camera capture all the show, come upload for here now; you no do wee at all

na wa ooo

Oya add 2 spoons of lassa fever

This got me laughing. Pure creativity and nice write up.

One has got to be careful especially this lassa fever Era.

make i park my bugatti veyron here

space booked.
in case it makes front page.

“Stir the jollof rice oh, add five teaspoon of thyme, add pepper, add one basin of well water, add the meat from yesterday’s gbegeri, add three cubes of white maggi, one cube of knor, oya add two spoons of lassa fever…”

Pause.


lwkmd

Home cooked meal is the truth.
Even KFC isn't any different cuz you might find a used condom in your meal just like one that happened in South Africa.
Or was it the Mr Biggs meat pie that was laced with cockroach fillings a student bought in Ibadan?

I trust no food better than the one from my kitchen.

Fp

:scratch his joystick like recharge card

This one gat me rolling on the floor... Nice write-up jare

am still purging after eating from a food vendor I met under a mango tree at nekede.may god help US ooo

When is this girl getting married self?

i've got a question though.. nah only you things dey happen to?

Cutehector:
Naijasinglegirl hafa? U neva marry?

You wan marry am

I went to my bro place of work sometimes last year, we were outside when one of those Aboki that sell carrot, cucumber and garden egg with wheelbarrow was passing. Suddenly he stopped, pick a bottled water from the barrow took some water into his mouth and spit it on the fruits he his selling then he continue his journey




I. Promised myself not to buy fruits from such people again, three days after I still call one Aboki selling with wheelbarrow and bought carrots from him

You are good. I love ur write upd

We need to be careful of what we eat outside our homes.

Omg, why did I read this, I'll now always have this dirty thoughts whenever I eat out. But wetin man go do naa.


My thought be like" Egbon Smart, if you want to eat good food at home, go and marry"

The day I visited a local fast food restaurant for Indomie and egg. As the girl was beating the eggs, she sneezed and I saw one lump of mucus escape from either her nose or mouth into the egg. My hunger disappeared. For the fact that she is just an average girl trying to make ends meet, I paid her for the food and left. I saw guilt in her eyes sha.

I try as much as possible not to eat outside. This narrative is disgusting.

DonChippy:
Home cooked meal is the truth.
Even KFC isn't any different cuz you might find a used condom in your meal just like one that happened in South Africa.
Or was it the Mr Biggs meat pie that was laced with cockroach fillings a student bought in Ibadan?

I trust no food better than the one from my kitchen.

This is sooo true,even with big name restaurants.
The owners of these chains can't keep an eye on every one to make sure care is bein' taken.
An sometimes the workers just don't care.

Op I apologize but this had me laughin' 99.9% of the time.
I think I shall take ta readin' your posts/blog

Funjosh:
I went to my bro place of work sometimes last year, we were outside when one of those Aboki that sell carrot, cucumber and garden egg with wheelbarrow was passing. Suddenly he stopped, pick a bottled water from the barrow took some water into his mouth and spit it on the fruits he his selling then he continue his journey

I. Promised myself not to buy fruits from such people again, three days after I still call one Aboki selling with wheelbarrow and bought carrots from him

Hahaha ,funny.
But I guess that's fine ,they're not all the same,this one could be more hygienic.

SundaySpeaks:
Naija Single Girl. When will you get married?

Cutehector:
Naijasinglegirl hafa? U neva marry?

Patience broda, Patience.