The marriage between Tajueen Olalekan and Modinat was four years old when he asked the court for a divorce in September 2015.

Olalekan’s reason: he was being denied sex by Modinat and it was time to set the records straight since he could not understand why he was being denied his “rights”. “Anytime I propose love making to Modinat, she shuns me as if I am not entitled to it,” he had told a Mapo Customary Court sitting in Ibadan.

“All my efforts at making her agree with me failed. Her parents and relatives that I reported the incident to could not pacify her to change her attitude of starving me of sex. Although, I love her, I am now heartbroken, frustrated and completely disillusioned. Since we got married, I have always given her royal treatment by providing all her needs. “In fact, I invested in a business worth N1.6m for her.”

But defending her action, Modinat said she was sexually starving Olalekan to punish him for mismanaging the fund she gave to him to construct a house for her. She had said, “I was staying in Abidjan, where I was prosperous before I moved to Nigeria to marry him. “Before then, I had sent Olalekan huge sums of money to construct a house for me, but he somehow mismanaged the fund and did not construct it to my taste. That was the reason why I started starving him of sex.”

Marriage is a bond between two persons that is expected to last a lifetime, but in reality, it is increasingly cut short by divorce. Couples often come up with various reasons to break up with their partners, and of them is over sex starvation.

Experts react

A psychologist with the UNILAG, Prof. Oni Fagboungbe, said sex in marriage could be affected by economic factors which could instigate psychological causes.

Fagboungbe said the attitude of some couples could also change to each other with time, which could diminish their sexual desire.

He said, “These days, the economy is depressed and people are frustrated. Sex is something that is enjoyed enthusiastically, but when you are weighed down by other problems, such as ‘how to pay school fees, rent and other things like that’, it hampers enthusiasm and excitement about it and it will result in low sexual performance.”

While identifying cheating as a factor that can also make married persons lose interest in their partners, Fagboungbe urged couples to be wary of peer pressure which could lead them to cheat on their partners.

He, however, described effective communication between husband and wife as an effective tool to deal with the problem.

He said, “With effective communication, the husband can tell the wife his problems and vice versa. That way, their body will be prepared to accept the situation. But without communication, cognitive consistence theory will allow them to find reasons for whatever problem they are confronting.

“If the husband tells the wife that irregular salary payment frustrates and affects him, she will know the reason and will be prepared to cooperate with him. But when she suspects that there is another woman, her behaviour may be instigated by revenge and she will cheat too. It brings bigger problems that may lead to divorce.”

However, a nutritionist, Mr. Okunola Oladimeji, blamed the problem on dietary changes and the economy, saying, “The things we consume these days are more of processed sugary foods and junks like doughnuts, carbonated drinks, and sausages which can affect sexual performance.”

He said adequate exercises can improve the sex lives of couples, while identifying food items like beans, vegetables, fish, nuts, fruits, especially water melon, as also good for improved sexual performance in both male and female.

He said, “Instead of asking for sausage, ask for an apple or banana.”

Pastor Seyi Adeyemi of the Worship Centre (An assembly of Sons and Daughters of Christ Apostolic Church), who doubles as a marriage counsellor, said the problem of sex starvation in marriage could be as a result of emotional or economic problems.

“Maybe either of the parties is going through an emotional trouble which could affect sexual performance,” he said.

“Economy could be a factor because when a man is broke, he is probably not going to be thinking about sexual relationship, he would be thinking of how to make money.

“It could be a situation where either party is using sex as a tool to negotiate for something from the other which is absolute blackmail and evil.”

He, therefore, described sex as a “very vital aspect of marriage that should not be taken for granted because it can destroy the marriage”.

However, speaking from the Biblical perspective, Adeyemi said, “The Bible makes it clear that the husband should render onto the wife due benevolence and likewise the wife unto the husband. So the wife has no power over her body and the husband has no power over his.”

According to him, sexual abstinence is only permitted in marriage if both parties have consented to it, which could be during fasting.

Describing the modern day church as doing more to break off from the cultural barrier that saw sex, including in marriage as dirty, Adeyemi said, “I think more than ever before, there has been an increased awareness created by the church.

“A lot of churches have marriage seminars and various programmes, where these issues are major discussions. We pastors are making it clear that God has ordained sex within the confines of marriage. It is a legitimate act that is supposed to be enjoyed and not endured, so the perspective and attitude towards it must be positive.”

According to Sheikh AbdulRahman Ahmad of the Ansar-ud-deen Society of Nigeria, Islam considers marriage as a sacred covenant and family as the most important unit of the society.

He also blamed the problem on a number of issues, saying that “tension in the society from various angles, declining economic fortunes, sociopolitical and environmental problems combine to add tremendous stress on the society and the health of men and women and the family.”

Blaming the media for promoting single parenthood and disintegration of the family, Ahmad added, “Imagine a man that has been in traffic for close to six hours in a day and returns home and the wife is also tired. It is not a good condition. These are the realities of what we are dealing with.”

He said, “Islam is not saying that the women should only stay at home and make babies. It is not assigning the role of bread winning to the woman; it is the primary role of the man. But when situation calls for it and the woman is compelled to earn a living or advance her career, Islam allows it but then, the society must consider the cost because everything comes with a cost.”

Ishilove:
Note to self: beans, vegetables, fish, nuts, fruits, especially water melon...

Issokaay!

Freiden:
You sex-starve me, I go out and get it somewhere else..... but there will be trouble if you complain about that.

You sex-starve me, I'll sex starve you....but there will be hell here on earth if you try getting it somewhere else.

SIMPLE.

So better not try sex starving me, cos you'll end up loosing the duel

Ishilove:
Note to self: beans, vegetables, fish, nuts, fruits, especially water melon...

Issokaay!