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My Dirty Collection - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / My Dirty Collection (1090 Views)

Things That Sound 'dirty' At Christmas, But Aren't. . . . / Dirty Illusions / I Will Survive(dirty Version) (2) (3) (4)

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My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:34pm On Jun 30, 2009
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25, "

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business

What a woman says,

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears,

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:34pm On Jun 30, 2009
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:35pm On Jun 30, 2009
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
Re: My Dirty Collection by romsky: 3:36pm On Jun 30, 2009
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:38pm On Jun 30, 2009
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:40pm On Jun 30, 2009
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Re: My Dirty Collection by romsky: 3:42pm On Jun 30, 2009
always luved that of Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:46pm On Jun 30, 2009
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.[sub][/sub]
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and bleeped her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
Re: My Dirty Collection by romsky: 3:50pm On Jun 30, 2009
aww poor charlie
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:53pm On Jun 30, 2009
What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her orifice?

did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way?
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 4:00pm On Jun 30, 2009
A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.
The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"
The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.
The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.
When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!
"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"
Re: My Dirty Collection by romsky: 4:03pm On Jun 30, 2009
so doris isnt giving him a bj?
Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 4:15pm On Jun 30, 2009
Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.
The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.
The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?" The little boy says, "Mymommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder."

Re: My Dirty Collection by biola44: 3:52pm On Jul 01, 2009
A boy goes into the toilet with his mum and goes "mum what’s that" and she replies "it’s a garage". So the next day the boy goes in with his dad and says "dad what’s that" and his dad replies "it’s a limo". Then the boy asks daddy "what have I got" and his dad replies "lights". So that night the boy is in bed and he gets scared. He goes into his dad’s room and his dad says "what ever you do son, don’t lift up the covers". But the son lifts up the covers and he says "daddy why is your limo in mummy’s garage" and then he says "can I come in too?"
Re: My Dirty Collection by blissieng(f): 4:01pm On Jul 01, 2009
Re: My Dirty Collection by tytylayor: 5:09pm On Jul 01, 2009
ooopss! miss road, dis is biola and romade's room
Re: My Dirty Collection by Phemour: 6:14pm On Jul 01, 2009
tyty layo mi to mo ba ti wa pe lu tyty grin kiss

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