Good morning all.

Moments ago, I saw and read a relationship topic on front page. This is as a result of that topic. The OP asked for advice from NLers over his to - be wife who has very serious anger issues. Anger is one of the worst weaknesses any person could have or tolerate in their lives.

We have this erroneous belief that ALL courtship must end in marriage. It's a dangerous mindset. The purpose of any courtship is to ascertain the COMPATIBILITY of the people involved. It's a time for each person to carefully decide what they can or can't tolerate in their partner. The courtship period is the most vital period before the knot is tied.

This message isn't tailored towards discouraging those who are in a courtship neither is it intended to make us fault finders but its purpose is make sure we make good decisions with our HEADS after taking the time to study and understand people.

People don't change.

Humans are some of the most complex creatures God ever made. We hardly change. We only change when we want to, not because some people wanted us to. That's the human nature. If you're tolerating very difficult issues with the belief the person will change in marriage, you've inherited an eternal prayer and fasting ministry. They will hardly change.

Don't ever ignore RED FLAGS.

Red flags are warning signals predicting potential dangers in the path of your relationship.

If any person told me I want going to marry Mary, I wouldn't have believed. I thought we were in love. Maybe we were. I was old enough to have witnessed my parents argue very bitterly, sometimes also to the point of not talking to each other for days. So I knew marriage is one of the most vital events I'll ever undertake; so I was prepared to get as much facts as I could on the issue of marriage.

When I visited her this fateful day, I didn't know it would be the last day we would see. It was blissful day. She had suggested I visit a pastor friend of hers. I did. She suggested I visit another friend but this time I refused because of the exhaustion that followed the first journey. In fact I suggested we reschedule the visit. An argument ensued. She insisted I should go, but I stood my grounds. After some exchange of words, I decided to return home. That was when the unthinkable happened : my clothes were hooked up and ruffled and all my buttons destroyed. I didn't believe it was happening.

I got a new clothe and returned home. On my journey, I typed a beautiful message, appreciated all the times we had and gave reasons why the relationship has ENDED. There was no way I would be getting married to a potentially violent woman. She apologised and call my parents but I was gone. No promise of change on her part OR emotional tears could have me change my stance; I was gone.

If a little argument could lead to my buttons being destroyed during courtship, I didn't need any person to have told me what lied ahead. That moment, I engaged critical thinking and forever exited the relationship. But I didn't fail to point to her her anger issues. Some other person could put up with her, but not ME.

We need to be very clear when we make very critical decisions like whom to get married to. How far you go in life depends, to a very large extent, whom you're getting married to.

Never permit pressures of age or parents or even the society force you into making decisions that will only guarantee decades of bitterness, sorrow and gloom. Your decisions determine your destiny. Your decisions determine your happiness or sadness.

I'm not advocating for impatience on anyone's part. You could still give very reasonable time for your partner to address some red flags you'll notice. But where such a partner has not shown any meaningful, positive difference, let your head rather than your heart, guide thee.

Life's beautiful but getting married to someone you're NOT compatible with, will make life long, sad and miserable.

Make a smart choice and avoid a life of endless prayers, fasting and counselling. The average Nigerian has enough prayer points already! LOL.

Have a great day.

[size=15pt]Anger[/size] plus [size=15pt]impatience[/size] in a lady is a No go area for guys even if their papa na bill gate or dangote.

Modified:

Some ppl aren't getting my point.
I mean the combination of both is a suicide mission.

Dearpreye nice one..

I'm always particular abt knowing my partner"s flaws and if she pretends like she is that perfect lady to me den that's where we both will have a problem.

Niceeeeeee

This guy must be a pastor and politician, why u didn't marry her is the topic now u r preaching to us

People Don't Change!

Well, they might modify or try to suppress an annoying trait. But that only happens if they want to do it, and not because their partner demands it.

That's the truth about relationships and marriage.
If anything, any flaw you noticed in your partner is bound to get worse after marriage. This is because people tend to be at their best initially when a relationship or courtship begins. After marriage, you can then let your guards down; there's no compelling need to be at your best behaviour all the time. You have achieved your goal!

So, if you get married with the hope and belief that a certain behavioural flaw in your partner will get corrected, your woes have just begun.

Sure, no one is perfect. But only accept to marry someone with those flaws you know that you can accept and live with. If you are having issues with a potential life partner before marriage over his or her attitude you couldn't accept, that's all the sign you need that the marriage may never work.

You see, your perception about life must not conform with everybody's. Every relationship is a potential roadmap to marriage; At 25 or more u still want to be doing what you did @15 -23 (flirting). There comes this time when your mindset have to change, You need to have things of your own eg Your car, house, your woman, all things your own. You can't expect people in a committed relationship to have this your mindset.
Secondly, You need to look at your role in the conflict. Conflict is not necessary a violent tool, but the tool the oppressed use to voice out their anger. Let's take for instance you asked her to see Ur uncle and maybe this uncle is the man you owe every to, on announcing that to your uncle, he cancelled all appointments of that day, so as to meet your prospective wife. Your spouse arrived, he met with a few people and opted to go, you try convincing her on the need to meet your uncle, she refused. Wouldn't that be regarded as rude and disrespectful?. She only was trying to touch that gentleman spot in you, on the other hand, you are the stubborn fellow here. Treat a woman like she is one. Pet her, love her, tolerate her. When she wrongs you, accept her apologies. Leaving her doesn't make u a better man or mean you are better off. That girl needs you back, that girl is sorry, she sure have learnt lessons. she's hurting. Thanks.

So what if they inherited it? And they arent even aware of its dangers
who would help them up?
I don't see this as a Good enough reason; it's valid though

agarawu23:
[size=15pt]Anger[/size] and [size=15pt]impatient[/size] in a lady is a No go area for guys even if their papa na bill gate or dangote.

people can't control what they are born with. If it's a no go area for all guys, who would then marry them?

Impatience is something fairly common in most humans women especially.

Frontage material.... lalasticlala

On a Serious Note: Her Anger Might be a Cry for Help

Many times, anger bouts are precipitated due to deep-seated issues. For instance, your woman might be getting angry since she sees a pattern in you which resemble her father’s mannerisms whom she resents. Such issues need to be tackled with extreme care. Firstly, you need to decode the underlying cause. If it is just anotherfault committed by you, you can seek an apology and diffuse the situation. However, if it turns out that there are someserious emotional issuesweighing on your woman’s mind, you need to be her guiding soul. Try to talk to her or tell her that you will accompany her to a counselor. In such cases, your woman needs your support to let bygones be bygones and forgive herself or someone else who had hurt her in the past

enieme:

people can't control what they are born with. If it's a no go area for all guys, who would then marry them?

Impatience is something fairly common in most humans women especially.

trust me, u can deal with anger issues if u choose to..

enieme:
So what if they inherited it? And they arent even aware of its dangers
who would help them up?
I don't see this as a Good enough reason; it's valid though

Then they should work on their anger management... You don't see it as good enough until they do something bad to others.

Anybody having anger issues should work On that, like the op rightly stated, he just couldn't Live with a woman who has anger issues..

Cutehector:
Dearpreye nice one..

I'm always particular abt knowing my partner"s flaws and if she pretends like she is that perfect lady to me den that's where we both will have a problem.

Thanks brother.

If the flaw is a major one....One you wouldn't like to take in the long run, then it's your duty to be fair with yourself.

Good morning.

whirlwind7:
People Don't Change!

That's the truth about relationships and marriage.
If anything, any flaw you noticed in your partner is bound to get worse after marriage. This is because people tend to be at their best initially when a relationship or courtship begins. After marriage, you can then let your guards down; there's no compelling need to be at your best behaviour all the time. You have achieved your goal!

So, if you get married with the hope and belief that a certain behavioural flaw in your partner will get corrected, your woes had just begun.

Sure, no one is perfect. But only accept to marry someone with those flaws you know that you can accept and live with. If you are having issues with a potential life partner before marriage over his or her attitude you couldn't accept, that's all the sign you need the marriage may never work.

The purpose of my thread has been achieved.

who go come marry the angry women

whirlwind7:
People Don't Change!

That's the truth about relationships and marriage.
If anything, any flaw you noticed in your partner is bound to get worse after marriage. This is because people tend to be at their best initially when a relationship or courtship begins. After marriage, you can then let your guards down; there's no compelling need to be at your best behaviour all the time. You have achieved your goal!

So, if you get married with the hope and belief that a certain behavioural flaw in your partner will get corrected, your woes had just begun

True this... one mistake people make everytime.. ignoring the little attitude and signs during dating/courtship hoping the other person will change..

Something happened recently where I stay.. was asking a woman a question outside and the family and myself are close.. Guess Wat happened that night..You won't believe the husband went hard on the woman giving her beatings of her life and blows saying the woman and myself are dating each other bringing all sort of false accusations which everyone in the compound knows this is untrue.
The point I'm trying to make Here Is if the woman had observed the husband is not only jealous but a woman beater, she wouldn't have gone ahead with the marriage..Trust people to tell you love is all that matters..

we de watch

Eebrahym:
This guy must be a pastor and politician, why u didn't marry her is the topic now u r preaching to us

What you see depends on who you are.

Just get the message, brother.

Good morning.

Odunharry:

True this... one mistake people make everytime.. ignoring the little attitude and signs during dating/courtship hoping the other person will change..

Something happened recently where I stayed, was asking a woman a question outside and the family and myself are close.. Guess Wat happened that night..You won't believe the husband went hard on the woman giving her beatings of her life and blows saying the woman and myself are dating each other bringing all sort of false accusations which everyone in the compound knows this is untrue.
The point I'm trying to make Here Is if the woman had observed the husband is not only jealous but a woman beater, she wouldn't have gone ahead with the marriage..Trust people to tell you love is all that matters..

we de watch

That's the issue. I'm sure the woman saw those red lags during courtship but she ignored them. Love isn't all that's needed to sustain a home. I'm very sure of that.

skylowlow:
who go come marry the angry women

An angry man... lol.

Joke apart, nobody want to spend their entire life with someone who will cause trouble and give their family a bad name outside.
Angry people should work on their anger management and also pray about it.. The partner too can do alot in helping them by also talking to them and see if there will be improvement.

If they don't change then the other person has the right to walk away

dearpreye:


What you see depends on who you are.

Just get the message, brother.

Good morning.

ok noted

dearpreye:


That's the issue. I'm sure the woman saw those red lags during courtship but she ignored them. Love isn't all that's needed to sustain a home. I'm very sure of that.

Love isn't enough at all Bros.. Atimes I just laugh any serious issue that needs to be addressed people will say love will conquer all, if u love him or her do this e.t.c
Love alone cannot sustain a relationship or marriage


I doubt anyone will take someone who's always angry too serious.

Odunharry:

An angry man... lol.

Joke apart, nobody want to spend their entire life with someone who will cause trouble and give their family a bad name outside.
Angry people should work on their anger management and also pray about it.. The partner too can do alot in helping them by also talking to them and see if there will be improvement.

If they don't change then the other person has the right to walk away

you are so right

[img]http://cdn.meme.am/instances/62667429.jpg[/img]

agarawu23:
[size=15pt]Anger[/size] and [size=15pt]impatient[/size] in a lady is a No go area for guys even if their papa na bill gate or dangote.

very true... Anger can make one do things he/she will later regret

very correct post, I have never liked guys with anger issues becuase I know how annoying i can be before the guy will use slap and reset my face lol, anything you.can't take in courtship you can't take in marriage, I wonder y a lady will hold your shirt and destroy it she would have sulked instead frowned or even use silent treatment not hold your shirt that was bad but please you can forgive and help her manage her anger better am sure she got too comfortable that's y she acted like that. wish you a very good morning

Odunharry:

Love isn't enough at all Bros.. Atimes I just laugh any serious issue that needs to be addressed people will say love will conquer all, if u love him or her do this e.t.c
Love alone cannot sustain a relationship or marriage


I doubt anyone will take someone who's always angry too serious.

Thanks very much brother. Wisdom is more vital here. It shows you who you can't possibly put up with.

Blade21:
very correct post, I have never liked guys with anger issues becuase I know how annoying i can be before the guy will use slap and reset my face lol, anything you.can't take in courtship you can't take in marriage, I wonder y a lady will hold your shirt and destroy it she would have sulked instead frowned or even use silent treatment not hold your shirt that was bad but please you can forgive and help her manage her anger better am sure she got too comfortable that's y she acted like that. wish you a very good morning

nice

True.

The violently angry people are very dangerous. They are a no no. I have seen couples who look for knives, chairs and any other available objects to fight with when angry and I have seen the ones whose body languages are their signs of anger. We all get angry but it's only right we prepare for when the anger subsides while still angry. Remember the story of the Ibadan Lawyer that stabbed her husband in anger, husband escaped, unfortunately he came back thinking the dust had settled but the madam wasn't done until she killed him. Normal people wouldn't pick knives in the first place, the overly angered person would have been done when she drew blood, but the psycho are the ones who go for the kill!

My friend and her bf got the attention of the whole neighborhood when they had issues back then in school, thank God they didn't get married eventually! It would have been disastrous.

guys saying what they can never do from time immemorial, I have experienced such relationship and I pray no one to experience. pet her,love her,tease her,this her or that her.even when her response to such gestures are awkward?

Cutehector:
trust me, u can deal with anger issues if u choose to..

it could be psychological. They may try dealing with it but there'd surely be moments of uncontrolled outbursts which may be what the op experienced.

Odunharry:

Then they should work on their anger management... You don't see it as good enough until they do something bad to others.

Anybody having anger issues should work On that, like the op rightly stated, he just couldn't Live with a woman who has anger issues..

would the situation have been diff if she had sAy, informed the op of her issue prior to the incidence?