I am 25, married and just had a baby four months ago. My mother-in-law and I have never really been very close, she never liked me while I dated her son and I could sense it even though there was no confrontation then. We are from different tribes and from what my husband told me, she wanted him to marry a girl from their tribe and was disappointed when he introduced me to the family. She came out of her room after like about 30 minutes of me being in the sitting room and chatting with
other family members when I first visited, she smiles briefly and never shows interest in having discussions with me when we are alone. I realized she contributes and looks lively when it's a general discussion and everyone is seated but once we are left alone, she kinda switches off and just minds her business. Short answers are all I get when I try to talk with her. Ok, since hubby (My fiance then) assured me there is no big deal that she feels disappointed and will get over it when we eventually tie the knots, I tried my best not think too much about her actions until we wedded.

I had a conflict with her some time back, she wanted me to spend a major time of my omugwo vacation with the baby in their house as opposed to staying in my parents' house), it's my first and I wanted the best, aside that, she never really treated me with love so I didn't feel comfortable accepting that invitation ( We all, both his family and mine live in the same town) why wouldn't I enjoy my mother's care first before any other? After the omugwo in my parents place, I intended to spend some time at their family home too but she kept giving excuses and didn't want us anymore. Now, the whole family including her other 2 daughters have stopped communicating with me... they blocked me off of Facebook etc but kept in touch with my husband. When I mention this to my husband he just says that since they have not been mean with him and he can't remember any negative memories from his sisters, he doesn't care about how this relationship stays between his family and me and that time will take care of things. That he loves me and that it's him I married and not them, he wants me to not be bothered but I'm very worried. So basically, I should not feel bothered that my husband's family only keeps in touch with him and makes me feel like an outsider since I have him? Am I overthinking here? Isn't he supposed to try to mend things between me and his family?
Is my husband correct to say I shouldn't care and also please I would like to know what should be my expectations from my husband?
I really don't know but my general idea is, if somebody is wrong or being mean with me, whoever that person is, my husband should stand up for me. isn't that what couples do? When my sister-in-law (The senior) decided to block me off from her Facebook, her husband did the same.

Posted Also @ www.wivestownhallconnection.com

I had a conflict with her some time back, she wanted me to spend a major time of my omugwo vacation with the baby in their house as opposed to staying in my parents' house)

You misused the opportunity to make things right

Well the husband is wrong.. very wrong.

In the igbo culture, I duno if it's everywhere, it's said Dat ur not only marrying the husband but his entire family, likewise him to ur family as well..


he really should be concerned abt this as its not a matter to be swept under the carpet. This is ur mother in law for christ sake, she plays a very important role nw in d entire family even though she is distant and as such, the relationship between u and her has to be somewhat good at all times.

He really needs to call all of dem to order! Like really!

Tallesty1:
You misused the opportunity to make things right

yeah I guess she really did..

Twinkie8 can you do this one thing? Listen to your husband and ignore them.

Again, another thing that might help is imagining your husband was the one in your shoes, what would you have done for him? You may do something close to what he did...'pls ignore them, Ihave your back'.

If you can just try and ignore them for now, in a matter of time they will tire.

Bear this at the back of your mind, IF PERSON NO LIKE YOU, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Let them deal with the hate when it's time for PEACE, not even their warrior hearts can withstand.

Love your baby, respect your man, listen to the still voice in you and be good. It will come to pass.

Just as Cutehector said, you where wrong, should have let her spend sometime with you, then go to your mother for the rest. In my case, my husband was the one telling his mother no need but I insisted she comes, which she did. Your mum can be very tolerant but not MIL. So I suggest you and your husband should pay a suprise visit to MIL home and try to make amend by appologizing for the obvious. Goodluck

Iolite:
Just as Cutehector said, you where wrong, should have let her spend sometime with you, then go to your mother for the rest. In my case, my husband was the one telling his mother no need but I insisted she comes, which she did. Your mum can be very tolerant but not MIL. So I suggest you and your husband should pay a suprise visit to MIL home and try to make amend by appologizing for the obvious. Goodluck

dats Tru. Wisdom ought to have been displayed in issues like this....

Well, if she valued family relationship, she ought to make efforts to be in good terms with her MIL and her sister in laws. Cux it's very very important..

ATMC:
Twinkie8 can you do this one thing? Listen to your husband and ignore them.

Again, another thing that might help is imagining your husband was the one in your shoes, what would you have done for him? You may do something close to what he did...'pls ignore them, Ihave your back'.

If you can just try and ignore them for now, in a matter of time they will tire.

Bear this at the back of your mind, IF PERSON NO LIKE YOU, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Let them deal with the hate when it's time for PEACE, not even their warrior hearts can withstand.

Love your baby, respect your man, listen to the still voice in you and be good. It will come to pass.

oh just come off it please! All these new generation women Dat just like to cause problem in their own marriages by themselves! Mchew

Make things right yourself lady.
You are married to his family not him.
Don't mind any1 asking u 2 ignore d family. U will always need his family.
Go 2 ur MIL and kneel down and talk. Cry if that will soften her heart and caall ur SIL.


Blood is thicker than water. The family can easily convince ur husby and ur marriage is still very young oo.

Tallesty1:
You misused the opportunity to make things right

I disagree with you. For heaven's sake it's her first child and her mother must have looked forward to the omugwo. You heard her that after her time with her mother she wanted to go spend time with her mother in law but she bid her not to come. Who does that?

The mother in law ought to know better that this girl will be displeasing herself if she be with her first instead of her mother. This is sheer case of you can't tell the heart who to love.

It is clear that she was hated before she was chosen and not even the husband can salvage the situation. There's a limit to what he can do.

Ignore haters concentrate on your life.
As long as your husband is on your side, the family will come along someday

You cannot change your tribe to please them, just be yourself and when they figure out you are here to stay they will embrace you

ATMC:
I disagree with you. For heaven's sake it's her first child and her mother must have looked forward to the omugwo. You heard her that after her time with her mother she wanted to go spend time with her mother in law but she bid her not to come. Who does that?

The mother in law ought to know better that this girl will be displeasing herself if she be with her first instead of her mother. This is sheer case of you can't tell the heart who to love.

It is clear that she was hated before she was chosen and not even the husband can salvage the situation. There's a limit to what he can do.

You are right, they hated her before she got there because of tribe, what is she supposed to do about things she cannot change

Truth is who go like you go like you, No matter what you do . if you like cry them a river, it won't change nada! When it comes to in-laws, don't overdo things. Be natural, you can never satisfy everyone.

Did I hear someone say she should apologise to her MIL? Pls what for?

1) For not coming from same tribe as her husband?

2) For the fact that she was the chosen one?

3)For desiring to be with her mum first time (meaning she's considering being with her MIL when next) which is normal

4) For being hated

What exactly should she apologise for? Chai!

This is a woman that made effort to go be with her MIL who declined on the ground that she went to her mum first...who finds fault with her?

Twinkie8 pls rest, assured that if one wants to love you, like your husband, s/he will find a reason. The same thing applies if anybody wants to hate you.

ATMC:
Did I hear someone say she should apologise to her MIL? Pls what for?

1) For not coming from same tribe as her husband?

2) For the fact that she was the chosen one?

3)For desiring to be with her mum first time (meaning she's considering being with her MIL when next) which is normal

4) For being hated

What exactly should she apologise for? Chai!

This is a woman that made effort to go be with her MIL who declined on the ground that she went to her mum first...who finds fault with her?

Twinkie8 pls rest, assured that if one wants to love you, like your husband, s/he will find a reason. The same thing applies if anybody wants to hate you.

Voice of wisdom, you have nailed the truth, people do not understand that the problem is with the hating in-laws and not the wife.
Let the wife be, all this uneccesary stress

These days I'm only in the mood to read comments but I'll break the norm for a minute to say happy birthday ATMC.

The day and hour may have come and gone - like a shooting star, but everyday is a great day to tell someone they are special.

More love, laughter, and light all the days of your life. Amen.

Hmmmm women to women issues, you'd think women would stop giving each other problems

OP , just live your life. There is nothing you can do about their hatred, just don't return it in your heart. Nature will take care of it, just listen to your husband and ignore them. Don't go grovelling because they don't and will never like you till nature forces them to. Some families aren't worth marrying into for real.

Now I believe there is something like "new generation wife".

For God's sakes they never liked you & the only way to make amends is to spend time with them during your child birth. In my side, when you have a child, your mother comes over for omugwu not the other way round.
If I may ask, So your fear is that your MIL cannot take care of you & your new born baby? Or that your mum cannot come over & stay with you guys while taking care of you?
You better amend things with your new family. You are there to stay & will one day act like her if you don't like your son's wife to be.

nnamdibig:
Now I believe there is something like "new generation wife".

For God's sakes they never liked you & the only way to make amends is to spend time with them during your child birth. In my side, when you have a child, your mother comes over for omugwu not the other way round.
If I may ask, So your fear is that your MIL cannot take care of you & your new born baby? Or that your mum cannot come over & stay with you guys while taking care of you?
You better amend things with your new family. You are there to stay & will one day act like her if you don't like your son's wife to be.

How do you expect someone that hates you to take care of you during childbirth? This is the time you need genuine love and care especially if you went through a c section.
Why can't mother in law wait until she is healed to come bond with her and the new baby?

Miami11:



How do you expect someone that hates you to take care of you during childbirth? This is the time you need genuine love and care especially if you went through a c section.
Why can't mother in law wait until she is healed to come bond with her and the new baby?

The child is also her grandchild remember. Unless she is naturally wicked I don't see any reason why she won't take care of her.

Or like I said, she should have invited her mum over.
The same scenario happened to a family am close to. The newly married lady was not welcomed but just two years into the marriage she was able to penetrate the MIL to the extent that the MIL now sees her as one of her favorite child. Women too dey jealous and all she need to do is to show her that she is not taking her son away from her.

op,IMO just be urself.no need to go,kneel down,cry and beg.for what now?the deed has been done already coz if I refused to go meet her for omugwo,u shdnt hv packed ur bag to ur mum.probably U wld hv told ur mum to come over to avoid bad blood.but as things are,just call ur mil periodically to check her welfare.if she doesn't pick,text her then find time to visit wt ur baby. for the sisters in law,don't bother facebooking them.do occasional call&text. u can only try.people don't need to hv reasons to dislike another.that's life

Twinkie8:
I am 25, married and just had a baby four months ago. My mother-in-law and I have never really been very close, she never liked me while I dated her son and I could sense it even though there was no confrontation then. We are from different tribes and from what my husband told me, she wanted him to marry a girl from their tribe and was disappointed when he introduced me to the family. She came out of her room after like about 30 minutes of me being in the sitting room and chatting with
other family members when I first visited, she smiles briefly and never shows interest in having discussions with me when we are alone. I realized she contributes and looks lively when it's a general discussion and everyone is seated but once we are left alone, she kinda switches off and just minds her business. Short answers are all I get when I try to talk with her. Ok, since hubby (My fiance then) assured me there is no big deal that she feels disappointed and will get over it when we eventually tie the knots, I tried my best not think too much about her actions until we wedded.

I had a conflict with her some time back, she wanted me to spend a major time of my omugwo vacation with the baby in their house as opposed to staying in my parents' house), it's my first and I wanted the best, aside that, she never really treated me with love so I didn't feel comfortable accepting that invitation ( We all, both his family and mine live in the same town) why wouldn't I enjoy my mother's care first before any other? After the omugwo in my parents place, I intended to spend some time at their family home too but she kept giving excuses and didn't want us anymore. Now, the whole family including her other 2 daughters have stopped communicating with me... they blocked me off of Facebook etc but kept in touch with my husband. When I mention this to my husband he just says that since they have not been mean with him and he can't remember any negative memories from his sisters, he doesn't care about how this relationship stays between his family and me and that time will take care of things. That he loves me and that it's him I married and not them, he wants me to not be bothered but I'm very worried. So basically, I should not feel bothered that my husband's family only keeps in touch with him and makes me feel like an outsider since I have him? Am I overthinking here? Isn't he supposed to try to mend things between me and his family?
Is my husband correct to say I shouldn't care and also please I would like to know what should be my expectations from my husband?
I really don't know but my general idea is, if somebody is wrong or being mean with me, whoever that person is, my husband should stand up for me. isn't that what couples do? When my sister-in-law (The senior) decided to block me off from her Facebook, her husband did the same.

Posted Also @ www.wivestownhallconnection.com

Hmm becareful of the type of advice you choose here if not you are on your own oooh.

Some people will say you make mistake marrying into a family you are not welcome into but i don't think that's the case. You were on good terms with the sisters and everything was smooth sailing between you and them until the omogwo issue rear it head.

your handling of the omogwo issue is not it at all. Put yourself in your MIL shoes and tell me how you will feel. Your mother in law attitude is not because she hate you, is just that she has some issue with your tribe or her son marrying from another tribe.

Anyway sha no need crying over spilled milk. Continue being a good wife to your husband and good daughter in law. Call or text her and your sister in law, they respond or not just don't stop. Don't allow hatred toward them. Seek you mother in law out and seek for her forgiveness on the omogwo issue. Forgive yourself and forgive them and leave the rest to God in prayer.

Why leave the rest to God? Because He is the originator, designer, builder and perfectionist of marriage. God is still in the business of making good and enjoyable marriage.

I tell you 3 month will be too much to see changes if you can follow advice and there is a film tittled WAR ROOM, watch it and apply the principles taught in that film to your marriage and other life issues..

Choose wise.

ATMC:
Did I hear someone say she should apologise to her MIL? Pls what for?

1) For not coming from same tribe as her husband?

2) For the fact that she was the chosen one?

3)For desiring to be with her mum first time (meaning she's considering being with her MIL when next) which is normal

4) For being hated

What exactly should she apologise for? Chai!

This is a woman that made effort to go be with her MIL who declined on the ground that she went to her mum first...who finds fault with her?

Twinkie8 pls rest, assured that if one wants to love you, like your husband, s/he will find a reason. The same thing applies if anybody wants to hate you.

One fact that Isuzu escapes the mind of the indomie generation wives is exactly what you posted here my dear (no pun intended)

A daughter in-law today becomes a mother in-law in 25_30yrs time. My would-be father in-law is yet to be convinced I am good enough for his daughter same as my mom who thinks 'tis girl' is out to ruin me down and waste my time.

I think I even share a similar situation but I handled things in a very subtle manner. My own mom was the case then and now it's her dad. Twinkie8 really have to redeem yourself before your MIL. It is not in her place to come to you, you've to approach her and there's no limit to the number of things you do and you hit a brick wall.
Start all over and win your in-laws. This is Nigeria, Africa where we hold family very high.

It's a phase and the old woman will get off it.

If they don't like you so what?

Face your front and mind your buisness and baby. Your husband is their relative so you cannot disconnect their relationship just because he married you. If they don't carry you along or make you feel welcomed then distance yourself from them abi is it by force to talk to people that don't want to talk to you ?or is it when they start using style style to insult you or throw shades at you that you'll respect yourself.

If they don't want you around so be it.stay on your lane

duperola:
op,IMO just be urself.no need to go,kneel down,cry and beg.for what now?the deed has been done already coz if I refused to go meet her for omugwo,u shdnt hv packed ur bag to ur mum.probably U wld hv told ur mum to come over to avoid bad blood.but as things are,just call ur mil periodically to check her welfare.if she doesn't pick,text her then find time to visit wt ur baby. for the sisters in law,don't bother facebooking them.do occasional call&text. u can only try.people don't need to hv reasons to dislike another.that's life

wonderment

Who begs or apologises for going to stay with MY MOTHER.your mother is your mother and your mother Inlaw can only be an INLAW to you not a MOTHER.please there's a difference.

No matter how much you love me you can't take my mother to do your own mother and the same way marriage can or didn't break the bond between mother and son is the same way marriage can't break the bond between mother and daughter.

There are some individuals in our lives that are IRREPLEACEABLE and that is your MOTHER

Miami11:



How do you expect someone that hates you to take care of you during childbirth? This is the time you need genuine love and care especially if you went through a c section.
Why can't mother in law wait until she is healed to come bond with her and the new baby?

exactly. Moreover every child even adult tends to gravitate towards their mother's.by the way it's very difficult choosing another person over your mother especially when she has proven to love you in all conditions

Your mother Inlaw can love you in some conditions or when it's convenient for her son but your mother will love you REGARDLESS

If her mother was late ahen that will have been different but she's alive

ATMC:
Did I hear someone say she should apologise to her MIL? Pls what for?

1) For not coming from same tribe as her husband?

2) For the fact that she was the chosen one?

3)For desiring to be with her mum first time (meaning she's considering being with her MIL when next) which is normal

4) For being hated

What exactly should she apologise for? Chai!

This is a woman that made effort to go be with her MIL who declined on the ground that she went to her mum first...who finds fault with her?

Twinkie8 pls rest, assured that if one wants to love you, like your husband, s/he will find a reason. The same thing applies if anybody wants to hate you.

it's not difficult to spot someone with self esteem issues or someone Who wasn't loved by her family

This is what you owe yourself

Moreover

Don't entertain narcissists