What an emotional epistle..all said and done but it's very difficult to say you should also stay in your shell cos he's doing so at the moment.this will only tear your new family apart. togetherness and intimacy is what you need now my dear...u need prayers in this situation and do not talk to people about your situation because they will spite you behind your back. Pray,pray and pray but be vigilant my dear. The sad truth is that some marriages are not meant to be. Pray and challenge God to your cause. You shall laff in the end.

#MrlebrotinIsBallin

PresVA:
What a hasty conclusion ... did the op say they're in debt Even if he's in debt, did anyone force him to spend that much? Is he a kid?
People like you always find ways to blame women for everything. .. You're here making it seem like men easily bow to women's pressure or pleas...if they do, then why haven't all cheating men whose wives cry and beg everyday changed?

Mtcheeew, it's a woman's fault when you spend beyond your budget as if you're a kid and don't know when to say No.. or atleast go for a woman in your class...

"Go for a woman in your class" means what? A so-called high class woman that cannot spend her own money to get whatever she thinks her "class" deserves is nothing but a useless prostitute.

I hate it when cheap who.res attribute class to their overpriced body or fake affection. Dem full Abuja here and Island for Lagos. No I only Bleep for not less than N100k a night, I use an IPhone 6, I drive an xyz car (that one smelly Alhaji bought for you after inserting his toes into your moist regions) so I have "Class". Duh.

If you have class, spend your own money on the material things you want. It has nothing to do with the man you choose to be involved with (or that chooses to be involved with you) romantically or sexually.

Dating, courtship can not reveal all the behaviours of people. Some people are even good at keeping their attitude like chameleon changing colours. that's why it is good to be prayerful. Sister call on ur God for help. Cos only him go help u now.

Eddygourdo:
You marriage is very young and being that you never had the fine tuning phase during courtship. You both are having it now. Too bad he is pulling away while you are pulling closer and it's frustrating you.

You need to do the reverse affection method, pull away in character too. I don't mean emotionally, but it's a game to get his attention. Whenever he smiles at you frown and be disinterested though give him Wat he wants. Ignore him alot and give him the cold shoulders without it being very obvious. Continue thus till you have his attention and he starts asking you Wat the problem is.

Even when he asks, tell him nothing. Give him more cold shoulders and hide ur cheerfulness. This character if it drives him nuts then it's proof he loves you and was going through a phase

Give him more cold shoulders till he gets angry at ur behaviour and flips out. It only then that you table his offences to you. Hopefully you both would have a heart to heart talk and he would open up to you on what u is killing him

This is a fine tuning phase and if handled properly will pass, making ur marriage stronger

Gbam!

. . . probably because you have #fishpussy

EggovinMma:
Lol.
Maybe you should give him a little bit of space.Its just a moody phase that will eventually phase off. Men with their wahala. You can't just satisfy them, their head dey knock anyhow like HONDA engine.

Try and go back to your own shell. Be sweet but still give him space, enough that he will notice.

and you can't do with out us Nne!

familyrocks:
Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant

SEE advice, na wa ooooo. I pray I don't encounter this kind of person for my life.

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

Don't panic my dear, it's a new beginning. Courtship and marriage ain't same,you will see his best soon. Pray,Love and show appreciation in everything.
Wish you all the best !

Your husband succumbed to family pressure by getting married. Age doesn't always tell readiness for this lifetime walk. Marrying a guy that's around 40 or past it is a game of chance because most of them get that far not because they cannot feed another set of mouths but for selfishness and unwillingness to share space, time, decisions and of course material things with others.

They are very reluctant to give up some "exclusive" rights like privacy which has become an obsession to them. Sadly your husband falls in this category. He is stingy! He is selfish! He is self-centered! You may have to adopt his bad babyish behaviour in order to reset your marriage with him.

Warning to all:
Be very concerned about how your prospective partner treats his/her family, and this should considerably influence your final decision on whether to marry him/her.

Madam dis thing no nland matter na!Your husband is honest man.He told yyou clear the load is too much for him alone to carry.Stand up and down look for work to support that Man please.

He still loves you, just that he unknowingly carried the actions and emotions he use to show towards is siblings into your marriage. Added with the fact of raising a family, you said it yourself when he wants to get intimate, is guards are down because at that time he feels nothing matters but you.
Speaking from experience would advise he needs time out( whatever relates to fun and relaxation) , a lovely dish he likes, go for outdoor activities, Spice up the relationship(try something new) , remind him you're a team and you'll always stand by him and most of all remember to always put him in your prayers.
Love conquers all; you need not be angry.

sukkot:
you married a weirdo. someone who bones for his siblings is a weird person lol. i know his type, if he was in boarding school in naija he will be that wicked senior boy that is always boning

how do you know he is a weirdo

You don't take a woman's side of a story and make a conclusion! Don't you see she is talking all kinds of things to make her be the good one while the husband look bad!

And nor of you here see this but siding her and giving her advise. To the marriage folks who advise her! You are worst for you not to see through and taking only side ( her side)

Use your senses
quote author=PresVA post=44364090] What a hasty conclusion ... did the op say they're in debt Even if he's in debt, did anyone force him to spend that much? Is he a kid?
People like you always find ways to blame women for everything. .. You're here making it seem like men easily bow to women's pressure or pleas...if they do, then why haven't all cheating men whose wives cry and beg everyday changed?

Mtcheeew, it's a woman's fault when you spend beyond your budget as if you're a kid and don't know when to say No.. or atleast go for a woman in your class...[/quote]

goingape:
how do you know he is a weirdo

You don't take a woman's side of a story and make a conclusion! Don't you see she is talking all kinds of things to make her be the good one while the husband look bad!

And nor of you here see this but siding her and giving her advise. To the marriage folks who advise her! You are worst for you not to see through and taking only side ( her side)

i know the traits. there is something seriously wrong with the wiring in the guys head. i know people like that. evil face. always boning

Wen dey say do better courship u say no, u are in a hurry to wed.Wen u saw men with good cheerful attitude coming ur way u ignore den for d one dat is uncheerful unhappy but in has to marry due to pressure.Now u know d difference hurry ti marry under one pressure or the other always have side effects.now he will infect u with his gloomy sad nature soon u will be gloomy and sad like him cos is contagious. Only oluwa can save u at this stage cos soon u 2 will look far older Dan ur age.

Warning to folks never allow pressure to make u marry.

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

1. Are you a believer?

2. Are you ready to love him selflessly?

I asked the questions above because what many call love is not

love at all its rather a selfish love-me-i-love-you. My dear sister if

you will patiently submit yourself to God and embarrass your

husband with HUMILITY and LOVE, you shall overcome.

familyrocks:
Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up[b] it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant[/b]

hanhan! is this not too harsh Leave the marriage ke? Just like that!
It is well. OP please disregard this kind of advise for now.
One more thing, I think the signs were there, you just ignored it or weren't concious of them. Why will he be keeping a straight face to his siblings? Did you bother to ask? Marriage is very delicate.
There are signs that shouldn't be taken for granted no matter how small or irrelevant it might seem. How a man treats his family (immediate ) is a kind of reflection of who he is and how he was brought up.
I think you were just carried away by the love and affection he showered on you. But since the did has been done now, just try and look for a way to sort your marriage out. The best advise so far is the one given by Eddygourdo. And while at it, your kneels shouldn't be far from the ground in prayers., fight your battles on your kneels. And please, try not to get pregnant now, it might become too depressing for you both (I'm saying this because he told you the pressure of providing for a family is getting to him) so please, we don't need a baby in this situation now. God will help you

Go and watch "War Room" you have alot to learn from the movie

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

I was once like that, but trust me he needs the opposite you giving him, try this trick, give him the exact attitude he is giving you, when he come back from work give him his food, but when he ask for s*X, trust me ignore him, he will be d one asking you what wrong, and he will try to pleasing, that's when you are in charge. Tell him your mind and make him promise he will stop the habit, after that, if he is about to change to his old habits, remind him of the promise, he will remember not to go back cos of what you will do to him again. This is from experience.

@Op
Your situation is not totally strange. The marriage will be stronger after this phase. However, it appears that your husband is facing some financial challenges. If this is true, then you have to know that it is enough reason to make him behave the way he is doing now.
My take:
While many people have said some things that sound sweet and logical here, I will advise you to be careful in making use of some of the pieces of advice. For instance, it might not come out well if you start being moody, quiet or forming angry also. Instead, be in your best behaviour and try to be the best wife any man could dream of. Make attempt to discuss with him about his new behaviour and how it might not be the best way to go about it. Assure him that you have come in to share both joy and pain with him and he should feel free to tell you where you can be of help. If he opens up to you then empathise with him and make him understand that it will
not last forever.
I strongly suspect that it has to do with financial difficulties. So, he needs your empathy, support and encouragement to deal with it.

Eddygourdo:
You marriage is very young and being that you never had the fine tuning phase during courtship. You both are having it now. Too bad he is pulling away while you are pulling closer and it's frustrating you.

You need to do the reverse affection method, pull away in character too. I don't mean emotionally, but it's a game to get his attention. Whenever he smiles at you frown and be disinterested though give him Wat he wants. Ignore him alot and give him the cold shoulders without it being very obvious. Continue thus till you have his attention and he starts asking you Wat the problem is.

Even when he asks, tell him nothing. Give him more cold shoulders and hide ur cheerfulness. This character if it drives him nuts then it's proof he loves you and was going through a phase

Give him more cold shoulders till he gets angry at ur behaviour and flips out. It only then that you table his offences to you. Hopefully you both would have a heart to heart talk and he would open up to you on what u is killing him

This is a fine tuning phase and if handled properly will pass, making ur marriage stronger

U wan scater this madam marriage abi? Reverse affection indeed, some1 that's holding unto a sling wt one thread remaing that's same person u are offering scissors

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

Ignore him and tolerate..he will come around.

I believe this will be of great help.

13 Facts you must know Before You Say I Do To That Man: https://www.nairaland.com/2695519/13-facts-must-know-before

freecocoa:
This man obviously doesn't love you, I don't know why people are just shouting give him space up and down.


Someone just got married and you people are taking of space, I really wonder what marriage means nowadays o.

Since you are not married,how the hell would you know.

Stick to what you know.

Tekevwe:
@ Elvina

Yes he's spiritual. That's one quality that attracted me to him.

lol i had to laugh at this one. My sister, even as a christian, i have learnt one thing... spirituality is meaningless when it is not followed up with action. Too many people are blinded by people who pray long and hard at church, are always first to come to church and last to leave, lead bible study groups etc. Yet these same people are cold, unfeeling and harsh to their spouses... the number 1 example of Christ's relationship with the church.

I would rather find a sister who does not seem so spiritual but is kind, sweet, open and willing to grow with me than a deeper life sister who thinks it is a sin to make love more than 2 times a month. A word is enough for the wise.

x240:


You must have been reading my text upside down.

I blamed everyone proportionately. I never spared anyone. I like to be a realist and talk based on facts and not just emotions or feelings.

I guess you skimmed through where she said she started seeing the obvious signs when he was having troubles settling his office rent. I am not in their family and can only judge based on little snippets of info you can gleam.
What does it connote for a man to not be able to pay his office rent just few months after his wedding?


You make it seem like it is a black and white issue. How many times has a man tried talking to the lady to listen and reduce the cost of wedding expenses but they turn it too a case of he is too stingy.

How many of you ladies here would agree to budget wedding?

How many would agree to a small wedding with just minute friends and families around?

How many times have ladies of guys not loving them enough because he doesnt want to spend on a frivolous wedding?

The guy is to blame for over spending his balance but its not that easy to just pull out of such when you have expended emotions, time and resources nurturing such a relationship only to just breakaway.

So run along if you can't constructively disagree with my post. Thanks.

@op This might not be the case in your example but you need to sit him down and talk about finding a way around whatever challenges he is facing. The way i see it. There seems to be fire on the mountain and all his lovely wife wants to do is "Gist about what is not". No wonder he pulls away and thinks "You don't just get it".

which wedding isn't based on a budget Your conclusion game is strong mehn! So because he is having trouble paying for his office (which by the way what she said was "His office rent was due that month" so you don't know for a fact if he was having troubles paying ) and she alrdy mentioned that he said "the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him" that's the reason why he is acting like that.
We are talking about people's marriage here. Since you said you are a realist, act like one and analyse the situation based on the information provided rather that bringing in your personal experience...

Change everywhere.Buhari and Apc...make una see wetin una cause now. Its well dear

familyrocks:
Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant

In Baba Oyo's style :

"Igi Da Eye FO"

Lawd help us from DIE-VORCE proponents.. Amin oh

OP.. Your husband isn't superhuman, he did what he had to to wife you and that's the mistake on his part; putting up his A game throughout your coutship without showing you his vulnerability/weakness. No offence but maybe the dude's still stuck with the wedding expenses hence his financial difficulties.
Since he's not being disrespectful, I'm gonna tell you to please calm down and talk to him. If he doesn't wanna hear it, give him space, and go back again when his face is fanimorous. You're still on the early phase of your Union and he's gonna have some hard time adjusting to some things , financially especially. This is not new.

Marriage is not ALL bed of roses. There ups and downs and unnecessary tantrums from your partner that'll struck your imagination like 'how the hell did we get here' moments.

Take care my dear.

Ha oga o.....Na WA for MARRIAGE sef.....

Don't be so bothered that you lose yourself in the process. Continuing being you and not forgetting that true joy comes from within you only. Be involved alot in your hobbies. Don't not harbour negative tots whatsoever abt your spouse, remember him in your prayers always, love him always. Don't tell him you only smile when u want to get intimate again but rather just love him genuinely. This process may not give instant results you want to see but it builds the bedrock of a home you will enjoy forever.

hmmmmmm

brendachizzy:





You still don't get it, do you? This is not a debt issue. You didn't read where the lady said he frowns at his siblings but smiles around her during courtship but things suddenly changed after the wedding? Please, read it again.

most people didn't even read the whole thing... judging from their comments...

@ Serenity008 if you read the writeup, you will get the answer to your question. Calling someone a lazy a** while you have lazy eyes