Overcoming infidelity begins the day that a person discovers his or her spouse, or partner, is having an affair. For most people, the numbness, the confusion, the pain, and the anger of the revelation is compounded by myths and half-truths about infidelity that make recovering from the affair that much more difficult, not to mention, more emotionally draining. Initially, overcoming infidelity requires challenging one's beliefs about extramarital affairs. What are they?

For one thing, many believe that if someone has an affair it means that they "fell out of love" with his or her spouse, and instead "fell in love" with the other person. It's almost as if "love" is some magical powerful force to which we fall prey and cannot influence. Coping with infidelity for the wounded spouse may mean dealing with the seeming fact that s/he is no longer "loved" and in reality that "love," which was so sacred, is given to someone else. And, what feels more devastating than NOT to be loved? Another common misconception is that someone jumped into the arms of someone else because the marriage was awful. This may, and often does mean, that the sex was terrible or nonexistent. And so, the cupboard of marriage was bare of sex and/or intimacy and the cheating spouse just "had" to get his/her needs met, somewhere else, of course.

The remaining spouse, in his/her attempts to cope with the infidelity, thus is confronted with his/her sexual (in)adequacy, his/her limitations in being able to meet the needs of his/her spouse. Additionally, and often without major dialogue, this finds him or her forsaken, alone, and incredibly jealous of the other person (OP) how is now getting all of the goodies. The 7-year itch. Ever heard of it? It may be an excuse to wonder and wander. To deal with an affair, the wounded spouse is usually blind-sided by the impulsiveness of his or her spouse, and is then left behind at home, dealing with the affair by desperately attempting to keep his or her world together in the midst of all the chaos.

Finally, there is the rationalization of (in)compatibility. The couple was simply not compatible. Or, the cheating spouse, in a moment of insight, came to the conclusion of their incompatibility and needed to find his/her "soul mate" or someone with whom s/he felt compatible. The wounded spouse is left lamenting the arguments and the points of differences with his/her spouse as if those differences tainted the marriage or relationship. Coping with infidelity and moving toward healing and recovery is enhanced by breaking down these myths and half-truths, and learning about the complexity, patterns and themes of infidelity and extramarital affairs. Knowledge about infidelity becomes power. Knowledge about infidelity brings relief, sometimes almost instantaneously. Having knowledge about infidelity gives one options to feel differently, think differently, and act differently, which in turn provides an incredible feeling of personal power. The "wounded spouse" moves out of the victim role, and now knows the affair is not his/her fault. S/he is not defective. S/he can do something about confronting him/her with having an educated guess as to the outcome of that confrontation.

Each affair is unique. Each type of affair serves a different purpose to the cheating husband or cheating wife. Here are areas of knowledge that, once studied, generate tremendous relief and hope.

1. There are different types of infidelity. Through my research, I came up with 7 different types of affairs. (My Marriage Made Me Do It, I Can't Say No, I Don't Want to Say No, I Fell Out of Love, and just love being in love, I Want to Get Back at Him/Her, I Need to Prove my Desirability, and I Want to be Close to Someone, but can't stand Intimacy.

2. The reasons behind the varying types of affairs are distinctive. One may be motivated by compulsion, another by strong personal needs for excitement, another for revenge, another to maintain distance in all relationships, and another to project blame onto someone or something else.

3. These motives derive not from the marital relationship or the wounded spouse, but from the personal coping patterns of the cheating spouse. As well, these motives, patterns and characteristics were well set before the marital couple met. At some level, it was necessary for the the cheating spouse to "play out" these patterns. Of course, most, if not all of this acting out, or the motives for acting out, are well
beyond the awareness of the cheating husband or cheating wife.

Once the wounded spouse becomes aware of these patterns, the complexity of the infidelity and the motives for the cheating spouse - and other person as well - a flood of relief flows. The more one can make distinctions in a situation, the more refined those distinctions become, the less power that situation has to control the feelings and behavior of a person. Knowledge is power because it comes with options.

The wounded spouse is not frozen in time. The wounded spouse is NOT helpless. The wounded spouse is definitely not less than the cheating spouse and not any less than the other person. Now, the wounded spouse can actually step back, and on some level even appreciate the anguish, the disjointed striving, and the veiled inner indecision of his/her spouse. And now the wounded spouse can overcome infidelity in powerful ways, registering actions and words that disrupt this hugely destructive pattern and give hope for resolution.