Little Johnny and Benji
Little Johnny's dog Benji was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the vet with bad news.
As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Johnny rushed to find out what the vet had said.
"I'm afraid it's not good news, son," said his father. "The vet reckons Benji's only got another three weeks or so to live."
Hearing this, Johnny burst into tears.
"But Benji wouldn't want you to be sad, " said the father, putting a comforting arm around Johnny's shoulder. "He'd want you to remember all the good times you had together."
Johnny rubbed his eyes. "Can we give Benji a funeral?"
"Sure we can," said his father.
"Can I invite all my friends?"
"Of course you can."
"And can we have cake and ice-cream?"
"Sure, you can have whatever you want."
"Dad," said Johnny. "Can we kill Benji today?"
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Go Slow

Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: The one that says "School Ahead. Go Slow." So I did!
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Little Johnny and the priest

Little Johnny was going to spend the weekend wit his friend Timmy and he had loaded all his favorite toys into a cart, which he then began pulling the mile or so to Timmy's house. He was doing fine until he reached a steep hill.
As he struggled with the cart up the hill, Johnny began swearing. "This god da#$ thing is so heavy!" he moaned.
A passing priest ticked him off. "You shouldn't be swearing, Johnny," said the priest. "God hears you. He is everywhere. He is in the church. He is on the sidewalk. He is everywhere."
Johnny thought for a moment. "Is he in my wagon?"
"Yes Johnny, God is in your wagon."
"Then tell him to get the he#$ out and start pulling!"
____________________________________________
Little johnny "The sum of which is";

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework.
"Two plus two, the son of a bi#$ is four; four plus four, the son of a bi#$ is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bi#$, "
"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! Your not allowed to swear."
"But, mum," he protested, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it loud till we learned it."
The next day Johnny's mother went straight to the classroom to complain.
"No, no," the teacher said horrified. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, "two plus two, the sum of which is four, "
_____________________________________________________
excuse for failure:

Little Johnny's father was disappointed that the boy scored such low marks in a spelling test.
"Why did you get such a bad mark?" he asked.
"Absence," said Johnny.
"What, you were absent on the day of the test?"
"No, but the boy who sits next to me was!"
________________________________________

Little Johnny:

His teacher was horrified to hear Little Johnny swearing in school. "I never want to hear you using language like that again. Where on earth did you pick up such foul-mouthed talk?"
"From my dad," said Johnny.
"Well, he should be ashamed of himself," said the teacher. "And it's no reason for you to talk like that. Anyway, you don't even know what it means."
"I do!" said Johnny. "It means the car won't start."
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WICKED DOC

"Doctor, doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live, " said the old man. "Hang on, I'll be with you in a minute, said the doctor.
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LOL

A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."

Guy in the corner quickly stands up and goes "MOOOOOOO!"
___________________________________________________
MISS WORLD Question & Answer

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman, 
(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening, 
(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Read it for FUNProton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft, 
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night, 
(Applause! Applause! Applause! )

Question: Ms Saudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door, 
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth, 
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!
____________________________________________________
MEXICANS AND OLYMPICS
How come there are no Mexicans in the Olympics?

Because all of the ones that can run, swim, and jump are already across the border.
____________________________________________________________________
NOW YOU'RE SCREWED

a woman is on a beach. she has no arms and no leges. and she's crying

a man walks up to her and says "why are you crying?" she says "i've never been hugged before". he hugs her and leaves

he comes back later and says "why are you still crying?" she says "i've never been kissed before." he kisses her and leaves.

he comes back again and says"why are you still cyring?" she says "i've never been screwed before."

he picks her up and throws her into the ocean
"there. now you're screwed."
____________________________________________________
WICKED LAST MAN

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

___________________________________________

nice jokes.

later, summarize am for me

Your joke is too long.

nice one keep it up

nice jokes. . .i like the fist one.

Because Benji has three weeks to live

LMAO!!!

See big teeth

her boi friend like am like dat

He must be enjoying himself then

I don't think so. . .not after several bites 4rm her

Love bites

A racist Joke:


A black baby was given wings by God. The baby asked "does this mean i am an angel?" God laughed and said "naw n*gger you a bat"

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours
and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies,
"Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says,
"Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says,
"I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly
returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded,
"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants.

the guy jst dey joke oo

A boy finds a cond0m in the trash, but he doesn't know what it is.

So he goes to ask his mother, and her face turns red and she says "Uhh ermm, It's a twinkie Wrapper!.

Then the boy says good, cause I licked all the cream out of it

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your a$$es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B**tch in the kitchen!!!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off.

One day John and Marsha's 12 year old son Timmy came home almost 2 hours late.
"Where have you been?" John asked
"I was in the library doing a project for extra credit" claimed timmy.
At once the robot rolled over to timmy and knocked him out of his chair.
"son this is robot is really a lie detector" John said "tell the truth"
"ok, ok i went over to robs house to watch a movie"
"What did you watch?" asked john
" The ten commandments" said Timmy
Almost at once the Robot went over to Timmy and once again knocked him out of his chair.
Timmy got up, his lip quivering.
"ok im sorry he said i really watched a tape called Sex queen"
John was very ashamed. "when i was you age i never lied to my parents"
The robot then went over to john and knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter.
"Your almost as bad as Timmy, you can't be that mad at him, after all he is your son"
The robot went immediately over to Marsha and knocked her completely out of her chair

The Joke is too damn long.

A blonde walks into a curtain store and says i need some curtains. so the clerk asks her what color she finally chooses a pretty floral pink pattern.

then the clerk asks her what size she needs and she thinks for a while and then finally says 17 inches,
The clerk says" isnt that kinda small?"


The Blonde says "No?"


so the clerk gives her the 17 inch curtains and says so what are the for??


My computer monitor!!! says the blonde.


"huh?" the clerk says



"I've Got windows, "

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true , no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained frog's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked .

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is gone.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop

Two friends are camping on their town's outskirts one weekend, and during the night one of them starts screaming in their tent. The other friend comes over and asks, "What's wrong?!" Then his friend says back to him, "I was just bit on my penis by a red and black striped snake!" So his friend says back to him, "Wait here! i'll run to town and ask a doctor what to do!!"
He runs straight to the town's nearest doctor's office, and explains to the doctor his friend got bit by a snake. The doctor says to him, "The only way to save your friend is by sucking the venom out of him through the biten area."
So the guy runs back to his friend, and his friend says to him, "what did the doctor say?" To which his friend responds, "Doctor said you gonna die!!"

na wah oooooh

i don read i don tire.

guy slow down for us weh read brighter grammar 4 school.

infact, romi darling read and summariz it for me

wen she don do waitress for 9years, she neva tire.

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a Mouth Gig too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

4 nuns
It was friday and four went to the priest for a confession.

The first one said. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned". "I touched a man's penis with my finger"!

The Priest said. "Go outside, wash your finger in the Holy Water and say 2 Hail Mary's"!

The second Nun said. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned"> "I touched a man's Penis with my hand"!

The Priest said. "Go outside, wash your hand in the Holy Water and say 3 Hail Mary's"!

The 4th and the Third started arguing.

The priest asked why they were arguing?

The 4th Nun replied. "I wont rinse my mouth in the holy water if she washes her a$$ in it".

Another 4 nuns



Four nuns went for confession.
The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"

She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water, "