We met sometimes 2013 and courted for 2 years. While we were dating, I asked about about her exes and she told me that they were only 4 of them. Well it was something I could deal with.

Some 700 plus days later, we got married.
But the things is, I just discovered that she had more than 4 exes and since then I find myself questioning almost everything she ever told me and everything she does. Just that lie changed everything.

It is affecting my level of attraction towards her. I tried to ask her about it and she still denied it and that made it worse. I am contemplating about divorce. I no longer run home as soon as I close from work as did I always.

I hate deception, I can't stand it. I feel that's how she will continue to lie to me about some things forever.

How can I handle this maturely? I ain't got money for marriage counselling.

What I think you can do is to have extensive communication with her about the issue on ground. Let her know how much you detest lies and the effect of it on your marriage if she continues like that.


If you people haven't tied the knot, I would have advised you to let her go, but since you're now married, help her to change, at least for the sake of your marriage.
May God help you both.

U should have done a better research b4 d Marriage!! Personally I don't think that's a good enough reason for divorce..

greatgod2012:
What I think you can do is to have extensive communication with her about the issue on ground. Let her know how much you detest lies and the effect of it on your marriage if she continues like that.


If you people haven't tied the knot, I would have advised you to let her go, but since you're now married, help her to change, at least for the sake of your marriage.
May God help you both.

The thing is, she don't want discourse anything about it. She picks offense as soon as I tried to bring it up.

You got to be kidding!

Did you tell her how many exes you had?

How do you know she's telling a lie?

And why do you want to still remain in the past when you suppose to focus in the future? Okay she didn't tell you the truth but how does it help you or your marriage?

I detest deception too but you are married now and anything that your wife or you did in the past should remain so unless it is going to have a direct impact on your person. Accept the woman she is now.

edwife:
You got to be kidding!

Did you tell her how many exes you had?

How do you know she's telling a lie?

How I got know; I overheard her friend telling her on the phone that her ex by a totally different name from the ones I know had just proposed to a lady few months ago. Two weeks later when I went through the list of her fb friends, I discovered that the said guy truly exists.

So u've finally made post on Nland...clap for yaself

omaigala:


How I got know; I overheard her friend telling her on the phone that her ex by a totally different name from the ones I know had just proposed to a lady few months ago. Two weeks later when I went through the list of her fb friends, I discovered that the said guy truly exists.

Honestly if i say i understand you i will be lying, this is someone from her past before meeting you-why is it so important to you now that you guys are married? Have you suspected her of any wrong doing regarding "men" till now?

Please stop it already, she's no longer your girlfriend but your wife! Assuming it was before marriage then it is your choice to not marry someone who has been there even when you have been there too which is selfish by the way but I find the idea of divorce very ridiculous to say the least.

You no longer go home early because she suddenly turned to a monster with a tail and big eyes that all the qualities you saw in her and decided to marry her disappeared?

edwife:


Honestly if i understand you i will be lying, this is someone from her past-before meeting you-why is it so important to you now that you guys are married? Have you suspected her of any wrong doing regarding "men" till now?

Please stop it already, she's no longer your girlfriend but your wife! Assuming it was before marriage then it is your choice to not marry someone who has been there even when you have been there too which is selfish by the way but I find the idea of divorce very ridiculous to say the least.

The basis for this is deceit. I cant stand it. And the fact that she denied it made it worse. I cant build a home on deceit. Have you ever been lied to by the person you trust very much?

Please divorce her before you start beating her up and suffering her. Since kids are not involved it's straight forward. Marriage is not do or die

edwife:


Honestly if i understand you i will be lying, this is someone from her past-before meeting you-why is it so important to you now that you guys are married? Have you suspected her of any wrong doing regarding "men" till now?

Please stop it already, she's no longer your girlfriend but your wife! Assuming it was before marriage then it is your choice to not marry someone who has been there even when you have been there too which is selfish by the way but I find the idea of divorce very ridiculous to say the least.

The basis for this is deceit. I cant stand it. And the fact that she denied it made it worse. I cant build a home on deceit. Have you ever been lied to by the person you trust very much?
I cant come up with just a reason why I should trust her again.

Deceit ruined all the relationship I ever had.

I've dedicated all my life on RESEARCH, so I'm going to be sure no one is playing games with my mind before I tie that knot. I think you've got no choice right now as you're in already. Work things out bro.

I hate deceit, but I can't stand divorce either (except on certain grounds).

I always make sure I know even the smallest things about whoever I'm dating. I'm not one of those that claims "hey, I don't care about your past" nonsense. Only liars and perpetual desperate monsters say such.

If you love a girl beyond her pants, you will care about her past. Sit her her and talk the true words into her, BE YOUR DAMN SELF, and stop LYING nitori oloun.

If you've had 67 abortions, say it clearly, your destined HORSE-band would locate you, at least before your 80th Birthday. No need for needless dramatic distrust and trailing.

omaigala:


The basis for this is deceit. I cant stand it. And the fact that she denied it made it worse. I cant build a home on deceit. Have you ever been lied to by the person you trust very much?

I do understand that a healthy marriage is built on a foundation of honesty and trust. But now that you found out that she might not have told you about the guy but can't you see that you are taking it far? At this point I don't think she will accept if you continue interrogating her as if she did something terrible.

You need to talk to her very calmly and make her understand why you are hurt. At least she will know that she did something very bad and tell her never to lie to you again,neither will you lie to her too then forgive her.I don't see the need for you to know the truth at this point because you are married. The secret to a healthy marriage is not honesty nor forgiveness but acceptance that is a kind of respect for the other's right to make mistakes.

Please let go and accept the woman she's with you and not what she was in the past. I am pretty sure if she was not what she said she is,you would have find out in the 2 years you dated.

edwife:


I do understand that a healthy marriage is built on a foundation of honesty and trust. But now that you found out that she might not have told you about the guy but can't you see that you are taking it far? At this point I don't think she will accept if you continue interrogating her as if she did something terrible.

You need to talk to her very calmly and make her understand why you are hurt. At least she will know that she did something very bad and tell her never to lie to you again,neither will you lie to her too then forgive her.I don't see the need for you to know the truth at this point because you are married. The secret to a healthy marriage is not honesty nor forgiveness but acceptance that is a kind of respect for the other's right to make mistakes.

Please let go and accept the woman she's with you and not what she was in the past. I am pretty sure if she was not what she said she is,you would have find out in the 2 years you dated.

I wish I could find just one reason why I should trust and believe her as I was supposed to. Love isn't just enough a reason right now.

Dear Op, there is a reason why the past is called past...it's a past event...and there's a reason why past lovers are called 'ex' cos they have once existed in our lives but now they've exited.
I don't support secrets in marriages, but believe me some things are better left as secrets, buried and undiscussed....

If your wife has been faithful, this is too small a mistake to distrust her now....she has left a detail of her past away from you...yes...but you should remember there are times you've not been completely honest with her....you can't discuss everyone, everyday, every event of your past when you aren't a conputer(ain't making excuses for her)

Stop keep keeping late nights or giving her distance...this is when to move closer to see if she might be hurting cos her relationship with the ex back then....the first guy that broke my heart, I never got over him for a long time and I didn't talk about it for a while...couldn't even call his name or hear people talk about him.....but overtime, I discussed it...and here I am.

This little issue if not treated with wisdom and maturity can make your marriage deteriorate fast and crash.... remember your kids...your vows...

IN marriage, you'll get to see/learn the good, the bad and the ugly but love should cover it all..

wishing you all the best.

Peace

Hernyolar:
Dear Op, there is a reason why the past is called past...it's a past event...and there's a reason why past lovers are called 'ex' cos they have once existed in our lives but now they've exited.
I don't support secrets in marriages, but believe me some things are better left as secrets, buried and undiscussed....

If your wife has been faithful, this is too small a mistake to distrust her now....she has left a detail of her past away from you...yes...but you should remember there are times you've not been completely honest with her....you can't discuss everyone, everyday, every event of your past when you aren't a conputer(ain't making excuses for her)

Easier for you to say. Once upon a time, I asked her to bare everything concerning her past relationship life to me as I was prepared to accept her then. She only told me about these 4 people. I insisted she tell me everything but she stood her ground anyways. Please tell me how to continue when she keeps denying it? What if there are other ones I am yet to discover by accident like I just did?

All I want is that one reason to trust her completely again.

Acidosis:
Deceit ruined all the relationship I ever had.

I've dedicated all my life on RESEARCH, so I'm going to be sure no one is playing games with my mind before I tie that knot. I think you've got no choice right now as you're in already. Work things out bro.

I hate deceit, but I can't stand divorce either (except on certain grounds).

I always make sure I know even the smallest things about whoever I'm dating. I'm not one of those that claims "hey, I don't care about your past" nonsense. Only liars and perpetual desperate monsters say such.

If you love a girl beyond her pants, you will care about her past. Sit her her and talk the true words into her, BE YOUR DAMN SELF, and stop LYING nitori oloun.

If you've had 67 abortions, say it clearly, your destined HORSE-band would locate you, at least before your 80th Birthday. No need for needless dramatic distrust and trailing.

I wish I did that. I only held onto her words. Thought there was some integrity in them.

I don't understand why folks are so one sided talking bout the past is the past. No it's not cos the present and future are results of the past besides the op is not concerned if she had a million exes. It's bout trust, since it's the past then she should be able to come clean and tell her husband she's sorry for lying cos that's betrayal in marriage(one lie leads to more lies). Except she got a skeleton.

The other thing is if the op is not entirely sure bout the allegations he has in mind and she don't even have the faintest idea what's he's talking about which could get her angry too.

When it's all said and done, they both gotta sit down and talk about it.

omaigala:


Easier for you to say. Once upon a time, I asked her to bare everything concerning her past relationship life to me as I was prepared to accept her then. She only told me about these 4 people. I insisted she tell me everything but she stood her ground anyways. Please tell me how to continue when she keeps denying it? What if there are other ones I am yet to discover by accident like I just did?

All I want is that one reason to trust her completely again.

Hmmmm...I understand your point..I didn't speak about my ex to my husband though I told him his name...I avoided questions about him like a plague. .but over time.I loosened up.

Is your wife an introvert? ? is she the secretive type?? when she discuss things from her past with you, how do you react??

Now, you are making an allegation against her...what if she has hundreds against you and have decided to keep quiet for the sake of peace??
Let it go....

I am struggling to understand marriage of these days...

Could it be something in the air we are breathing?

If a woman has a million exesss,is that a yardstick for measuring her fidelity and support?

I don't know how you process things and I don't care but you did not just marry a woman,before you divorce her,make sure you invite the people you invited 700 days ago for the divorce...
700 days ...365 days...

GodnGold:
I am struggling to understand marriage of these days...

Could it be something in the air we are breathing?

If a woman has a million exesss,is that a yardstick for measuring her fidelity and support?

I don't know how you process things and I don't care but you did not just marry a woman,before you divorce her,make sure you invite the people you invited 700 days ago for the divorce...
700 days ...365 days...

Perhaps you don't get the drift here. I asked her about it even before I made up my mind to propose but she lied about the number of her exes and I built everything on that. Do you know how painful it is to discover that the person that means so much to you actually lied to you and still did that without remorse? Can you ever trust such person again?

well, as petty as your plight might sound, to me d gravity can't be overlooked. is ds just her shortcomin? if yes pls stop d thought of divorce, im sure with your kinda mentality u cnt handle divorce at all, u av no idea wht d next wife is gonna be like, glad u didnt mention she's presently cheating on u or evercheated...im sorry to say ds all men detest deceit of wht ever colour bt then u going 2ru Facebook 2 confirm d existence of 'EX' is a pointer 2d fact dt uv always hav trust issues with her prior 2 getin married, pls I will be very sorry to tell u to grow up abit more, marriage is not 4kids bro, kids not just by Age......Im not married dou bt then u 2row d thread open. @ OP I wish u d very best...........
lastly, overlook ds mind boggling ish and see how mentally grown u will be from within, infact, is gonna make u feel more prepared for d journey ahead. ....... my 3rd or 4th comment on NL 4 over 6yrs ago........I detest divorce as much as deceit bt I prefer d later.....@OP, all d best.....

well, as petty as your plight might sound, to me d gravity can't be overlooked. is ds just her shortcomin? if yes pls stop d thought of divorce, im sure with your kinda mentality u cnt handle divorce at all, u av no idea wht d next wife is gonna be like, glad u didnt mention she's presently cheating on u or evercheated...im sorry to say ds all men detest deceit of wht ever colour bt then u going 2ru Facebook 2 confirm d existence of 'EX' is a pointer 2d fact dt uv always hav trust issues with her prior 2 getin married, pls I will be very sorry to tell u to grow up abit more, marriage is not 4kids bro, kids not just by Age......Im not married dou bt then u 2row d thread open.
lastly, overlook ds mind boggling ish and see how mentally grown u will be from within, infact, is gonna make u feel more prepared for d journey ahead. ....... my 3rd or 4th comment on NL 4 over 6yrs ago........I detest divorce as much as deceit bt I prefer d later.....@OP, all d best.....

kenny1111:
well, as petty as your plight might sound, to me d gravity can't be overlooked. is ds just her shortcomin? if yes pls stop d thought of divorce, im sure with your kinda mentality u cnt handle divorce at all, u av no idea wht d next wife is gonna be like, glad u didnt mention she's presently cheating on u or evercheated...im sorry to say ds all men detest deceit of wht ever colour bt then u going 2ru Facebook 2 confirm d existence of 'EX' is a pointer 2d fact dt uv always hav trust issues with her prior 2 getin married, pls I will be very sorry to tell u to grow up abit more, marriage is not 4kids bro, kids not just by Age......Im not married dou bt then u 2row d thread open.
lastly, overlook ds mind boggling ish and see how mentally grown u will be from within, infact, is gonna make u feel more prepared for d journey ahead. ....... my 3rd or 4th comment on NL 4 over 6yrs ago........I detest divorce as much as deceit bt I prefer d later.....@OP, all d best.....

Lol... first did you see anywhere I mentioned cheat? If I don't trust her, I wont hold onto her words. Just discovering this sh1t now corrupted the trust I had in her. Never had I suspected her for any reason. How many will I find out another day? How many secrets is she holding back? Just suddenly she is a stranger to me.

omaigala:
Once upon a time, I asked her to bare everything concerning her past relationship life to me as I was prepared to accept her then.

I feel you bro'. Honesty, integrity and the ensuing trust is everything - even the basis for the unfolding and deepening love that couples should attain to. Any straight up guy would hate to be in your shoes. Deceit wounds deep, and sometimes you never recover.

But recover you must, and you must try your damnedest to do it. The marriage is still early and rapprochement is key. The discussion you had before - as quoted above - you need to have it again.

Tell her you are committed to loving and cherishing her. Tell her the basis of your asking was not to test or reject her - you had already made up your mind - but to give her the confidence that you had her back "whatever". establish your future on openness and transparency.

Tell her you need to re-establish full trust between you, or the marriage will be hardly bearable, and filled with the conflict caused by mistrust - if it even survives. Tell her lovingly and re-affirm you commitment to your union.

Don't press for an immediate response - indeed, I'd suggest you just ask her to listen and give her some time to really consider what you've said and what she wants before replying.

I'm hoping she will come back fully contrite, and may even come clean of her own volition. But having had the talk don't press the issue of the past, just keep demonstrating your love and commitment - it may well come later. Trying to force it may just engender more lies.

You've characterised her somewhat as a canny and hard girl, but the right kind of masculine - not mumu - husbandly love can reach even those. The issue may not have been you wanting to trust her, but her not being sure she could trust you.

And whatever their pasts, one of our jobs as husbands is to love them better.

I truly pray you find healing and restoration in your marriage. If you believe, please be earnest in seeking the face of God.

All the best sir


TV

omaigala:


Perhaps you don't get the drift here. I asked her about it even before I made up my mind to propose but she lied about the number of her exes and I built everything on that. Do you know how painful it is to discover that the person that means so much to you actually lied to you and still did that without remorse? Can you ever trust such person again?

How many times have you lied since this year?

How many times have you lied since you were born?

In all honesty,you don't expect her to say she has being with over 20 men.

FCS,if you decide to pitch your tent with a woman,these questions you are asking her are uncalled for.

You should focus on the present tense of your marriage.
You are getting expert advice and am not charging.

Stop this wahala,Life in Nigeria is hard for all and sundry.

Enjoy your woman and stop looking for what's not there.
If she tells you 20 exes,what will be your gain?,she loves you and is protecting you.
We are not all sincere.

Marry and stay married please.

GodnGold:
How many times have you lied since this year?

How many times have you lied since you were born?

In all honesty,you don't expect her to say she has being with over 20 men.

FCS,if you decide to pitch your tent with a woman,these questions you are asking her are uncalled for.

You should focus on the present tense of your marriage.
You are getting expert advice and am not charging.

Stop this wahala,Life in Nigeria is hard for all and sundry.

Enjoy your woman and stop looking for what's not there.
If she tells you 20 exes,what will be your gain?,she loves you and is protecting you.
We are not all sincere.

Marry and stay married please.

I tried to my best and I have not lied to her. I hate lies. But supposed you where in my shoes, will ever trust yours a 100% on everything again?

omaigala:


I tried to my best and I have not lied to her. I hate lies. But supposed you where in my shoes, will ever trust yours a 100% on everything again?

No, I won't trust him 80% because every other thing he says to me will be taking with a pinch of salt.
I have been there and it is a very painful feeling to live with but then I don't want people to live rent free on my head before I go crazy with thinking, so I let go but the scar is still there.
Now, he has to go beyond every reasonable doubt before I will believe him and it is working to my advantage as I don't have to pester for the truth anymore. If you want to stay married say the truth and same is applicable to me or else my hold on him will come crashing down.

omaigala:


The basis for this is deceit. I cant stand it. And the fact that she denied it made it worse. I cant build a home on deceit. Have you ever been lied to by the person you trust very much?

...you can age physically but not mentally or emotionally. So, of all the things to worry about in this life, number 1 on your list is your wife ex's? Come on, who forced you to get married?

So, you can't build a home on deceit, so let her go and go get your pristine woman with no stain on her history.

Let the woman go before you start hitting on her or using this absolute childish stupidity as an excuse to cheat on her.

GodnGold:
How many times have you lied since this year?

How many times have you lied since you were born?

In all honesty,you don't expect her to say she has being with over 20 men.

FCS,if you decide to pitch your tent with a woman,these questions you are asking her are uncalled for.

You should focus on the present tense of your marriage.
You are getting expert advice and am not charging.

Stop this wahala,Life in Nigeria is hard for all and sundry.

Enjoy your woman and stop looking for what's not there.
If she tells you 20 exes,what will be your gain?,she loves you and is protecting you.
We are not all sincere.

Marry and stay married please.

You give this priceless advice to an immature man who is an emotional and mental weakling, and for free too.


What nonsense will one not see in Nigeria? A grown man who is supposed to have his wife on lockdown, be her Alpha and Omega, be her everything, handle her in such a way that she will NEVER recall the name of her exes...has come to NL to cry about his wife's exes...chaiiii.

What will happen if this one faces life's difficulties, if his wife can't conceive for years, if a child dies, if life starts to unravel and things start to go wrong...The dark tunnel before the light, the 'downs' of life....

Pls GodnGold, keep your advice for those with IQ greater than room temperature, not this one.


Exe's kooo, Zxes niii

DipoDee:



...you can age physically but not mentally or emotionally. So, of all the things to worry about in this life, number 1 on your list is your wife ex's? Come on, who forced you to get married?

So, you can't build a home on deceit, so let her go and go get your pristine woman with no stain on her history.

Let the woman go before you start hitting on her or using this absolute childish stupidity as an excuse to cheat on her.

I will pretend I didn't see those insult. It is not worth anything. I hope it made you feel better anyways?