Welcome, Guest: Register On Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New
Stats: 3,143,315 members, 7,780,762 topics. Date: Thursday, 28 March 2024 at 09:28 PM

Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters - Literature - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters (3185 Views)

The Brand Of Cain (A Complete Novel) / The Game He Lost (A Novel). / End Of The Road (a Novel) Chapter 1 (2) (3) (4)

(1) (2) (Reply) (Go Down)

Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 11:30am On Sep 04, 2009
a novel i've been working on,  more of detective work/espionage. will appreciate reviews


Chapter one

New York

He allowed the end call tones to chime in his ear for a while after the call was not picked up. His now had a grin of satisfaction on his face, which had been stiff with anticipation as he made the call. With a gloved hand he placed the headset back on the cradle, which sat upon the table. He did not wish to disturb the old glassy-eyed lady who stared blankly into the dimly lit room He decided to talk to her.

“No matter what, he’s in now anyway,” he said as if to divulge her of an intense secret.

She didn’t reply. She continued to stiffly stare forward, as if in defiance of nature, with her glassy unblinking eyes. Her pose was like that of an ancient aristocrat, with her forearms neatly folded on lap. She was sitting on a large ornately carved wooden chair behind an equally massive wooden table. Paperwork was strewn across the table, with a pair of drinking glasses and a bottle spoiling the impression of a seriously busy work desk. Her silvery blonde hair was like that of a Russian czarina, tied into some sort of mini tower.

A solitary air-conditioner hummed in the soundproof room. It brought some measure of organized sound into the otherwise silent and now eerie abode.

Hmm, he thought. Pity she was now this old. He could have done her like he had always wanted. He swallowed to stem the spillage of saliva from his mouth, its flow inspired by a depraved memory.

“Have to take my leave ma’am.” He tipped his black hat, “Will certainly see you much, much later.”

He replaced the bottles from where he had gotten them. He brought out his handkerchief to wipe down the phone and other things he touched. After this small exercise, he used it to wipe his face of slight moisture as he studied the scene. The spinster Madame surely had taste, if taste was judged by these vintage paintings that hung from the walls and the beautiful blooms adorning the office. Exceptional, why hadn’t he noticed them before? He thought. Maybe all his travels have opened his eyes to luxury.

As an after thought, he reminded himself to wipe down some other things he touched on his way in to meet this appointment, like the banister. He strolled casually to the oak-paneled, soundproof door. He pulled the door open, then tipped his hat once more at the still lady behind the desk. He slipped out satisfied that she continued to look ahead unperturbed, with an unwavering stare in rigor mortis.

xxxxx




He was walking along the avenue from the lady’s office with the cool early morning breeze ruffling his clothes and overall. He was puffing rich dark smoke from the fat cigar between his lips, into the faces of early morning joggers passing by. Damn this people, who really wanted to live long? He might even have to ‘wack’ them one of these days.

He paused in his stride, looked at his watch and grimaced. He was supposed to make a call at ten A.M., and the stupid time never seemed to come. He was like a hunter waiting for the kill with armpits drenched with sweat. This time they weren’t drenched in anticipation of the killing. He was going to contact his boss, the ‘Cosimo’, whom he didn’t know, and that always gave him the creeps. The man always sounded dangerous on phone, which he really was. He was going to contact him on the status quo.

There was a payphone across the street. He crossed the road without looking as the early morning traffic screeched to a halt and rained curses on his stiff behind. At this moment, he cared less. Normally somebody would have lost some teeth. He would have increased the demand for gold teeth instantly. He grinned at his personal joke.

A mass was in the booth. A fat middle-aged woman with breasts like udders was squeezed into it with the door closed. He rapped on the glass and grinned politely, making a sign that she should either hurry up or end the call. He gave another sign with a raised first finger, one minute. She raised her own finger and it was the middle one, with a scowl on her ugly face. F**k me? From under his overall, he showed her the tip of the silver revolver on his waist. She scurried out like an overweight hen, throwing glances behind her in panic as she bounced away. He had ten minutes. She would surely call the cops from the nearest secure area.

He dialed exactly at 10am. The call went through immediately, it never delayed. A cold metallic voice answered, the ‘Cosimo’.

“How did it go?” His voice was deep and crisp.

“It went Fine boss.” The man they call souse almost winced at the sharpness and seeming closeness of the Cosimo‘s voice.

“So they’re in now?”

“Yes boss.” Souse could imagine Cosimo moving the pieces on the chessboard in his psycho-maniac brain.

“Lie low for a while for things to cool off. I’ll buzz you when it’s time for phase two.”

“Yes boss.” That was all he was allowed to say as a reply.

“And souse…”

“Yes boss?”

“Remember not to call me with your phone even if it’s an emergency. You do a good job but you’re lousy on the follow up”.

“I always do my best boss.” Souse’s voice was firmer now in reaction to the spite on his competency. Was he not Souse, the hand of death?

“What did you say?”

“I, I…”

“Never mind, just remember what I said”. He hung up, without pleasantries, leaving the phone blaring in Souse’s ear. The Cosimo was always like that, mysterious and eccentric.
He checked his time. It was eight minutes past ten o‘clock in the morning. He had two minutes to walk afar from the booth. He left the booth to a black man who was itching to rush in, brushing his shoulder. He started to walk away briskly.

He heard the sirens when the cops came and stopped by the booth. By then, he was a hundred feet out. He brought out his small binoculars. Sweet air of pleasure gushed into his nostrils, sucked in as the binoculars hit his eye. He didn’t miss seeing the Negro being slammed into the glass of the payphone booth with his hands behind his head. Damn, he really missed the white Negro hating clan that he belonged to in his youth. When they were caught and disbanded, the cops took away the only fun he had in this town.
But it really felt good to be back.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 1:19pm On Sep 04, 2009
Strong writing style - that first part was really cool - the way you painted the picture, only for us to find out in the end that the old woman was dead shocked shocked Nice touch. I'm not a detective-story fan, but I'll be watching the story for more surprises!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 1:32pm On Sep 04, 2009
was looking for a strong start and i found it. the next few chapters introduced other characters
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 1:35pm On Sep 04, 2009
Xx
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 1:38pm On Sep 04, 2009
.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 3:01pm On Sep 04, 2009
Xx
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by Seun(m): 7:46pm On Sep 04, 2009
Sorry about the overzealous spam filter!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 9:14pm On Sep 04, 2009
dumodust, better and better. The more the story continues, the more real you sound. Wish I had the whole book in my hand right now. Reading long posts on NL can be tough on the eyes. But in your case, it's worth the effort.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 12:59pm On Sep 05, 2009
Sorry for the repeat posts, i may get them deleted, occurred due to an error on my browser or this site. Maedan thanks for your review. I have gone far with this story, more than 110pages but it still needs some reorganization, so maedan, u cant have the full book yet. I'll post more soon, more character introduction.if you notice any mistakes, let me know
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 1:39pm On Sep 05, 2009
,,
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 1:49pm On Sep 05, 2009
Xx
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 4:13pm On Sep 05, 2009
110 pages Wow, that's a lot of typing!! BTW, dumodust, I was just speaking figuratively about the book. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to read the stories posted by some members on the NL page, but on a printed one! It's far easier on my poor eyes cheesy. But aren't you worried about piracy or copyright, with the copious amount of your book you're posting? It's very interesting though, so I should be the last one to ask you to stop wink!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 10:36pm On Sep 05, 2009
maedan, i've been typing this story for a long time, about 3 yrs, On and off because of work and career issues. Poetry didnt exactly satisfy me so switched to fiction and before i knew it my ramblings turned into a story. Coyright? I have already done that but i'm not afraid of anyone swiping my work because they cant continue it. It's a long story, the scope is still blurry at this stage and style cant be copied, a writer always identifies his words wherever he sees them. Besides i'm no fool, i never post more than three chapters. This is the first time i've gotten to this extent onlyb because of your. Thanks for commenting on this thread. I'll mail you a special golden copy if i ever get it published!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 11:26pm On Sep 05, 2009
Thanks dumodust, I wish now that I didn't discourage you from posting the whole stuff if you liked. It's yours or it's yours. Even if someone lifted the whole plot, gets it published and tries to claim originality, one of us here on NL will be there to set things straight wink!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by Bossbitch(f): 1:04am On Sep 06, 2009
i'm seriously loving the story. . . you have a way with words. . . its really descriptive, like i'm there. . . the beginning was superb
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 5:48pm On Sep 06, 2009
Maedan and bossb, thanks for the input. I feel a writer needs to post his stories once in a while to be sure that he's not derailing. I have 2 more important characters to introduce, maybe maedan i'll forget about my plan and post their intro's there, then after that,
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 5:59pm On Sep 06, 2009
Okey dokey wink. The more, the merrier.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by hortongate(m): 7:56pm On Sep 06, 2009
@ Poster, brilliant work so far. How do i know this? I have read the begining lines of some of the paragraphs and perused the other lines. And as you might know (that's because i'm not certain you offered creative writing as a course in the university) no one will sit down to read any or every story line by line. Well, not unless you're an editor or reviewer in which case the work would have been completed.

Salient truths however:
Nairalanders do not read long posts. If it's a book, perhaps.
You will not get an honest opinion or critique of your writing on the interent. In fact, you will receive as many divergent views of one single work as there are yellow busues in Lagos.
It seems to me (i might be wrong) that you are soliciting for compliments for your writing ability and not really people's input.
I have read some of the posts that have come in and they are all complimentary and that is not what you want or should want. You might be unable to follow the theme and plot of your original idea if real, sustainable views, opinions and crticisms of your work begin to come in torrents from all sides.

I worry about someone copying your work too. Like you said, no worries they cannot finish it. They do not have to finish it (after all it's yours), they can 'borrow' your big idea then copy your style of writing, use of language, expressions, characters etc and you just generally make their own work easier and faster.

Finally, you are doing very well. Good work. However, i would advice, humbly and respectfully that you continue the good writing you have embarked on, finish it and contract a very good editor/reviewer, freelane or professional to put your work in a complete and perfect state before publishing. Thank you and i hope you will take this in good faith.

1 Like

Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by maedan(f): 9:28pm On Sep 06, 2009
@ hortongate, sorry but I think that's an unfair and misguided assessment. You really can't speak for everyone and assume that "nairalanders don't read long posts". The instalments made by dumodust are, as I have pointed out once before, quite copious, but some of us do manage to get through the lot - and enjoy it.

And not all writers post their stories here to "solicit for compliments" or, to put it more bluntly, to show off. I think to say we seek "honest feedback" is more appropriate. Yes, some comments made by the readers will be made just to be nice, while some might actually help to improve the story, and are very constructive in criticism.

I know you meant well, so this is not a rant in reply, but to clear the air. Thanks any way for taking the time wink.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by zmurda(m): 9:58pm On Sep 06, 2009
Nice job matey

Keep them coming, I'll do the reading
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 11:27pm On Sep 06, 2009
@hortongate and maedan- i agree with both of you, somehow you are both saying the same things about the copyright issue, But, They can swap if they want as far as it's not verbatim. The scenarios in this story are not new, it's the tone and writing style that differs. Style&tone are either innate signatures or they take yrs to develop. Goodluck to anyone who wants to steal style, his story would end up feeling like a patchy tree, no constant flow. Real authors with that kind of intelligence have a certain 'pride'- they would rather write with the same theme in their own way. I'm not new to internet cricitism, it took a lot of 'steadiness' to get to where i am now.
I plan to finish this story soon but remember, a fast brew is a tasteless one, i write as it moves me. And the work losd on me blunts that inspiration now. Thank you all for the advices you have given me.
@hortongate- i didn't come here to get complliments, i just felt i needed a more human and 'people' audience and critique. Some websites run by writer/critics can be unduely harsh and seem to be blighted by 'beef', cliques and jealousy. I wanted some fresh and i felt nairaland was sincere and wide enough to give that. and i got it here. Thanks once to all especially maedan and horton, Peace.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by Nezan(m): 9:21am On Sep 07, 2009
Plagiarism is a great problem here. Nice novel I must confess.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by royalyinx(m): 9:32am On Sep 07, 2009
Nice stuff , When can we get the full Novel
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by kolaoloye(m): 11:56am On Sep 07, 2009
@OP,
You are doing a great work. May the Almighty God see you through. Don't be discouraged.
I read everything and i really enjoyed it. Keep the good work and your reward shall come in due season.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by obidia(f): 12:00pm On Sep 07, 2009
My correction is in chapter three second paragraph,prancing is can be used wen you are on your feet not behind your seat as you stated there.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by adetunrayo(f): 12:56pm On Sep 07, 2009
Interesting
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by obajeun: 5:04pm On Sep 07, 2009
great, anyway!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by dumodust(m): 8:39pm On Sep 07, 2009
@obidia-thanks for noticing that, sometimes i get lost in the flow. Correction duly noted. Kola thanks for your prayers. This work needs my final push to sail through, but that's just the beginning.
@nezan- has plagiarism affected you before?
Thanks everyone
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by bulla77(m): 9:07pm On Sep 07, 2009
I would say,nice try but you really need more work especially with your expressions,some just don't fit whatever you intend to describe. Sometimes to buy really comes off better than to purchase. Honestly,i continued reading only so my comment would be more constructive and i hope helpful,you could do better,kudos for the effort,keep em' coming.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by pixiechic(f): 9:58pm On Sep 07, 2009
backlash person, try going to www.wattpad, dats young writers post their writeups and novels and stuff, its really good!
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by sugabelle: 12:18am On Sep 08, 2009
@ poster
Okay-ish. It was good at the start, though as it went on the story got a little tedious. You need to get eased-up on your style, sort of lighten the mood. Other than that, you deserve props for the sheer effort and time taken to create all that writing. In all, well done.
Re: Backlash (a Novel)- first chapters by tiptess(f): 2:31pm On Sep 08, 2009
@ poster
Thats a great work showing great effort.
I want to suggest that you send these chapters to Nigeria Village Square that's www.nigeriavillagesquare.com
Am sure u will get some professional criticisms
keep up the good work.

(1) (2) (Reply)

Penastory: That Night In My Best Friend’s Bed: Seducing The Seductress / Mr. Right? / Closed �

(Go Up)

Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket

Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 48
Disclaimer: Every Nairaland member is solely responsible for anything that he/she posts or uploads on Nairaland.