(Under a large mango tree, three men- members of the WAZOBIA DEVELOPMENT FORUM- all sit on their chairs to discuss on who to be the leader of the group. An old man who is also an alien was invited to join the discussion)
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Old man: (He slumps into a chair which was earlier positioned at the front of the gathering. He has a grizzled mouthstache and few grizzled hair on his bald head. There is a tumbler close to him and a pack of panatella in his pocket. He also has a pair of moccasin on his feet. He has a pale white skin that depicts his nationality) Er....er, good morning everybody er... I mean afternoon.
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1st, 2nd and 3rd man: Good afternoon old man. (They all answer in uniformity, each of them readjusting his chair and marvelling at the old man's skin colour)
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Old man: Actually, I....er.....am an alien to this group and I know close to nothing concerning your norms, beliefs, laws and .... I mean everything concerning your group. I feel so honoured to have been invited to join this gathering. Humn....er (He clears his throat as his adam's apple roll up and down indicating that he had just swallowed a mouthful of spittle) Let's go down to business (He readjusts his chair as he thrusts one panatella stick through his pinkish lips.) Who do you suggest should be the leader of this group? (He mutters)
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(A lank sinewy hausa man- dressed in a flowing babban riga and a jalabia underneath with a hula that rest gracefully on his head- spring to his feet)
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Hausa man: I am truly the right person for the leadership post. I have so much power and energy (He flexes his muscle) I can work for hours under a harsh condition. One of my flair is to adapt and get accustomed to an unfavourable and arid milieu which I believe no other person can do. When it comes to food, I am the only source of food for this forum. I know anyone that will lead this group must be energetic, hardworking and must be able to provide food and who do you think that person is ?. It is me, absolutely me! . (He hits his chest hard with the palm of his hand as he sit groggily on his chair.
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(In a mean time, a buxom looking Igbo man- dressed in a blouse and a wrapper- jolts out of his seat. He holds a staff and he has skillfully organized beads neatly placed around his neck and wrist. A cap with eagle's feather pointing upwards also fit beautifully to his head)
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Igbo man: Pooh! , swallow it, I say swallow it. Mba! .
(He blares as he faces the Hausa man who had just finished his words) Who told you that we are here to brag of strength? I can work under yen...yen..yen...yen... (He raises his mouth disgustingly as he makes a burlesque of the hausa man's antecedent words) Rubbish, mba! . They talk of leadership, you this yeye man (shameless man) is also raising hand. Do you think we want a bonehead and mumu (imbe.cile) to rule us? . You this hausa man, you are so dumb, daft and er....er (He stand still perplexed and thinking of what to say) I don't just know how to qualify you. Look at you. (He eyes the Hausa man haughtily) You and your friend over there are just the same (He points at the yoruba man who seems to be watching calmly with his head resting majestically on his knuckles) The two of you are wayo men (dubious men) The Yoruba man, ha....aa! , he is an ace in falsification. He is sly and crooked. If yoruba man tell you that he saw a white car, you better go and check it yourself because you will- in no doubt meet a black goat (He draws his ear in a manner to accentuate his words) The yoruba man will tell you during your electioneering that he is your supporter and tomorrow during election, he will be the one to nitpick on your actions and parry people from your side. Yoruba, Yoruba....... , I shake bum bum for you.
(He shakes his buttocks in the direction of the yoruba man) We can't let a mumu like this hausa man to rule us neither can we allow this sly and fraudulent yoruba man to rule us. The best person that can rule is me and nobody else. You know I'm so opulent and I have what it takes to be a leader ranging from knowledge, discipline, integrity, and other qualities, just name it. That's why I'm the best
(He moves to his seat as he finishes his words, he bumps to his feet again) Lest I forget, do you also realize that I have the most beautiful daughters who are so presentable unlike your slovenly looking girls who are just bunches of haggard. Hausa girls are just slatterns, yoruba girls are also just too ugly. They have tribal marks on their faces like someone who was mauled by a beast and that make them look atavistic. (He turns to the Hausa and Yoruba men as he later retire to his seat.)
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Hausa man: Me...eee? , Walai, (I swear to God almighty) you talk rubbish. (His hausa intonation starts to reflect in his words as he continues to snarl) You say hausa is mumu, what about you?, wetin you be?. It's only food you can eat. See....see....see his belle (stomach). See as his belle big like cocoa sack (He points at the Igbo man's protuberant belly which has almost occupied the whole chair giving chance for only half of his buttocks to rest comfortably) Your food is so harmful to the health. You can eat eba in the morning, loi loi (fufu) in the afternoon and eba again in the night. You also eat leafy substances like herbivorous animals. All your girls that you call fine girls, rubbish!. All of them use make up, they will rub pan cake on the face just to look fine and beautiful. Go to their yard early momo (early in the morning), their faces will be wowo (extremely ugly) like that of Orangutan. You see me, I am the best. Come over and see my brawny dudes with correct six packs. Chai......chai.......chai....
(He hits his head in a manner that shows that he is now vexed and perturbed) Do you.......(He has hardly finished his words when the Yoruba man- dressed in a flowing agbada and a buba underneath with fila abeti aja (dog earred cap) on the head- cut in)
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Yoruba man: Heys! (He rises majestically to his feet as he raises his hand authoritatively, he redresses his agbada in a 1000, 500 style) Er...humn (He clears his throat as he rubs his bulging belly) I have seen how you (He points to the Igbo man)and also you (He turns to the hausa man) have spoken for hours, you are actually involving in a slanging match over a very simple issue and that shows that you are both greenhorns. Well, I'm not here to censure anybody because- as an erudite and someone who is full of experience- I don't need to engage in a spar of words with you but I will surely show you where your follies are. To start with, Ajegórò (Kolanut eater) (He giggles as he turns to the hausa man) It's so funny, so.....o funny. I can't believe you this pipsqueak and small fry wants to lead us. (He cites a proverb) Wón npe gbogbo eranko tó ní ìwo, ìgbín yojú (All animals with horn were told to assemble and the snail also appears) Among we trio, you are the only wretched one although your moronic partner- this Igbo man- is also wretched but yours is the worst. See as hunger has attenuated you. You are so ill mannered and dirty. I know you are a bum and you will soon go to your mendicant business after this meeting.
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Hausa man: (He cuts in angrily) How dare you call me a mendicant?, do you know......
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Yoruba man: (He cuts in) You see..... you see. That's why I said you are ill mannered, you have no form of courtesy and decorum. At least, you'll let me conclude before you barge in. You are barmier than I expected you to be. Er.....er okay, I'll explain to you why you are a mendicant. (He pauses) Why is it that in every food canteen, you are always loitering around?. You are always waiting to do away with the food of anyone who drinks water whilst eating. Imaging someone who wants to rule a group of people and cannot even provide for his own personal needs . You are living on the breadline. Shio! (He hisses) Another reason we can't follow you this hausa man's leadership is because you are a simpleton and because your culture is just too bad. (He coughs and he makes an august excuse) Your culture is very.....er....ha!. I don't just know. (He speaks as he makes an aghast squeeze of his face in a way that depicts belittlement) Your mode of dressing, your food, your cultural heritage, your beliefs, your....er.....er all your culture in general is just rubbish. My own culture is the best. My food.....ha!, Àmàlà àti gbègìrì (Yam flour dough with bean soup) I am savouring it right now and I feel like eating it. (He raises his head to the sky, eyes blinking like that of a seductress and voice becoming low pitched as he becomes lost into the world of fantasy) Well, as I was saying. You this hausa man, your children are so undisciplined, they end up becoming wayward and eventually- because of their criminal tendencies - they become battle mongers and morons. (He makes a long pause and he turns to the Igbo man) Now to you Mr. I have plenty money, are you not an armed robber, a swindler, a fraudster, a bootlegger and a dubious man.
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Igbo man: (He becomes restless and he cuts in) Mind your words over there prankish man!. You know.......
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Yoruba man: (Cuts in) You see this one again. Shio! (He hisses) You and your mumu friend- that hausa man- you are both the same. No wonder your children have no respect for elders. Your children will shake your hand when they wake in the morning instead of kneeling or prostrating to you. If my children try that with me, kò jeun món lójó ye nìyen (He won't eat throughout that day) Your children are all brigands and they are so inure to it. In your festivals, you are always eating like barbarians. Rádaràra (Rubbish) Your girls are the slags in brothels, your boys are sybarites, they are always looking around for a sinecure. Sleazy people! (He hisses) Old man (He turns to the old man who seems to be engrossed in his panatella and paying no attention to the brawl of the three men) I can't brook this simpletons to rule over me so that's why I'm saying that I am the right person to rule because I am the best when it comes to leadership. I have an intuitive spirit which I know no other person here has and also because my culture is so rich, it is filled with discipline and moral. Well, I don't have much to say. I just know that I am better off than this nincompoops (He points at the hausa and Igbo men) Their leadership will just cause a jinx. (He approaches his seat in an august gait)
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(After the three men- Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba men- had finished their words, the old man throws the remains of his half smoked panatella to the ground and he tramples on it with his moccasins)
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Old man: Er.....humn humn humn (He clears his throat) You have all spoken and I can get your message. Can someone please pluck a mango for me? (The three men- Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba man- all scurry and bob as they pluck a mango each, they give it to the old man) Oh!, thanks, I'm so grateful. (He receives the mango from the trio as he extrude the mellow juice into his tumbler. He drops a cube of sugar into the juice and he shakes it)
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Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba man: (They watch the old man as drops of spittle starts to drip from their mouth) Wow!, juicy.
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Old man: (He accosts the three men with the tumbler of the mango juice in his hand) Won't you all mind buying this?
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Yoruba man: Sir, I don't mind buying it at any price you call it. (He speaks eagerly as he dip his hand into his pocket ready to bring out money)
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Igbo man: Sir, please. Sell it to me and not this glutton(He points at the yoruba man as he packs money out of his bag)
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Hausa man: I must buy this yellowish juice. Even before tasting it, I can see that it will be sweet especially because of that white thing the old man dropped into it. (He forwards his money to the old man)
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Old man: But which money will you give to your wives and children at home after you spend all this huge amount?
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Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba man: Forget about them, hunger can not kill them. Let us enjoy ourselves first.
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Old man: Okay, I will sell it to you all (He receives the money from the three men and he sips little out of the mango juice, he later forwards the left over to the trio who are already watching the movement of the old man's mouth anxiously)
Okay, take it and share it all (He gives the tumbler to the three men and they all grapple it greedily).
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1st, 2nd and 3rd man: Thank you sir, we are more than grateful! (The three men starts to drag the tumbler)
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Yoruba man: Heys!, leave that thing to me, don't you know I am the wisest and oldest, the most educated among you all. Let me sip first. (He clings to the tumbler tightly as the other two men drag vigorously)
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Hausa man: You are not serious, how will you call yourself the oldest?, if I didn't plant the mango, can we get this juice? (He also cling so hard to the tumbler)
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Igbo man: You are all uttering bunkum since. Who told you that you are the wisest and who told you that you planted the mango? (He faces the Hausa and Yoruba man). I paid the highest amount so I am supposed to get the juice first. (The three men starts to drag the tumbler as they begin to dip their hands greedily into the tumbler)
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Old man: Bleep it!, set of fools. (He watches as the three men lick the sweet and juicy liquid on their hand) Are they not having lots and lots of ripe mangoes on their tree? (He points to the top of the mango tree which is filled with titanic and ripe mangoes dangling hard from the tree branches) I collected the mangoes from them and they, in their foolishness, paid me for what I took from them. I sipped out of the content and they are all struggling to taste the left over when there are lots of mangoes on the treetops. Seems I need to come here and exploit this people because they seem to be the biggest of the fools I've ever seen. (He packs his money and other belongings as he moves unnoticed from the three men who are still dragging the tumbler of juice among each other) You will all die in your follies. Won't you also mind buying my excretes, my phlegm, my shaved mouthstache and my grimy old boxer shorts