glossy6:
About a month ago a colleague bared his mind to me on the happenings in his home and how hurt he feels.
He is married to a beautiful lady whom he married when she was quite young and they birthed 6 children (boys & girls). Both of them work with a Federal parastatal, though different offices. Previously, she was based in the East while the husband has been in Lagos but later brought his family together. He claimed that the wife refuses to assist him in running the home but insisted that their kids must attend high fees paying schools which the man is finding difficult to cope with as it costs him about 700k every term. His pleas for assistance always meets a brick wall as the wife told him she is saving for a jeep. His niece had to stay off school for a term for him to gather money for her fees as she is the one looking after his kids. The wife, he said is just after her comfort and nothing more! She must drive to work, no matter the cost petrol.
I saw him with a polybag on Friday and jokingly asked if he went shopping and he was close to tears telling me how another colleague of ours bought a dress for his wife and his wife was so appreciative that he decided to buy for his wife, only for the wife to berate him saying he bought her cheap dresses (he bought 2 gowns). She demanded for the dresses to be changed to bigger sizes, which he did only for her to choose one and reject the other, hence he brought it back to the seller. He told me a lot of unpalatable things he had been going through and I asked him to summon a family meeting and he said he had had several meetings in the past and they yielded no positive results and he has to maintain his cool in order not to be accused of domestic violence. I advised him to return the dress then and pray for God's intervention because it beats my imagination that a working class women will refuse to assist at home. She buys and keep bottled water I her room but will never replenish pure water for the kids.
Then yesterday, we were paid subsistence allowance and the amount was reasonable and we were all excited. But this morning he came to me with a gloomy face and I was like, what is it? What he said shocked me and may shock you too. He said instead of him to be happy that we received allowance, he is very sad and depressed! His wife brought a policeman to arrest him. He came home before the wife, only for her to drive in much later with a policeman and was told to report to the station to answer to reports written against him by his wife (who also got the allowance alert). He reported at the police station and the wife was called on phone (she stayed back while my colleague followed the policeman ). When she came, she said her husband has been threatening her life, hence her making the police entry. The man denied the allegations and told them that family issues should be settled by family and not in police station as He married her from a family and not a police station. He was released and got home by 11pm.
What is your take on this as he want to leave the house for her.
lala please help.

Oh pls spare us the theatrics!

For once we get to read a story (assuming it's true) of a working, married woman refusing to be pushed around, or forced to live the pretentious suffering and smiling Mrs at all costs life.

Here is an independent working woman who knows her rights and has refused to be pushed around by her husband or "societal expectations". Hence her involving the police at the onset to curb any domestic violence thoughts the man might be harbouring from listening to poke-nosing advisors.

She's on ground with how it works in a patriarchal society like Nigeria where the man can do no wrong and will forever get a pat on the back no matter what. This woman has been honest from the onset about her views on home finance. She's not prepared to start something she can't finish as per "helping" him foot the bills. Too many stories abound about women helping out with good intentions only for the man to take advantage and eventually extract themselves totally from any financial commitment towards the upkeep of the home. No be Naija man again? In a setting that hugely favours the man and his antics?

We always advice spouses on here to start as they mean to go. Shebi he's the head of the home? Let him face his duties and stop bad mouthing his wife and mother of his 6 kids to all and sundry.

A woman refusing to trek under rain and sun to work but has rather chosen to save up for a family jeep (which incidentally would be used to make life easier not just for her but the entire family) is being berated? What's wrong with wanting to own a car which she would be paying for herself? Or must she age before her time to satisfy the opinion of outsiders who can't mind their own business? I'm sure the man's probably got one for himself.

I bet this woman's also built her own house hence the man knows he can't push her around. Let him keep badmouthing her to family and "friends". In the meantime, he knows where the door is if he can't stand the heat.

KanwuliaMama:
Ok!
We have heard one side.
Call the woman to give her own version.

Thanks!

As a MARRIED woman, I have learned NEVER to play judge on THIRD PARTY REPORTERS!

Will sure love to read from the "woman"!

My dear, I feel like speaking with the wife but then I don't know her and I am not a family member, just a colleague and it looks somehow calling her on phone over such a sensitive matter.

Even at that I can't be An arbitrator here. It looks so complicated!

glossy6:


My dear I tire sha oooh. I told him to let her go and don't force the marriage to linger as I am afraid one of them may get hurt seriously as in bodily harmed.

Why are you so heavily involved in someone else's marriage? What's in it for you?

Re: bodily harm, so the man does have violent tendencies and you wonder why she got the police involved?

EfemenaXY:



Oh pls spare us the theatrics!

For once we get to read a story (assuming it's true) of a working, married woman refusing to be pushed around, or forced to live the pretentious suffering and smiling Mrs at all costs life.

Here is an independent working woman who knows her rights and has refused to be pushed around by her husband or "societal expectations". Hence her involving the police at the onset to curb any domestic violence thoughts the man might be harbouring from listening to poke-nosing advisors.

She's on ground with how it works in a patriarchal society like Nigeria where the man can do no wrong and will forever get a pat on the back no matter what. This woman has been honest from the onset about her views on home finance. She's not prepared to start something she can't finish as per "helping" him foot the bills. Too many stories abound about women helping out with good intentions only for the man to take advantage and eventually extract themselves totally from any financial commitment towards the upkeep of the home. No be Naija man again? In a setting that hugely favours the man and his antics?

We always advice spouses on here to start as they mean to go. Shebi he's the head of the home? Let him face his duties and stop bad mouthing his wife and mother of his 6 kids to all and sundry.

A woman refusing to trek under rain and sun to work but has rather chosen to save up for a family jeep (which incidentally would be used to make life easier not just for her but the entire family) is being berated? What's wrong with wanting to own a car which she would be paying for herself? Or must she age before her time to satisfy the opinion of outsiders who can't mind their own business? I'm sure the man's probably got one for himself.

I bet this woman's also built her own house hence the man knows he can't push her around. Let him keep badmouthing her to family and "friends". In the meantime, he knows where the door is if he can't stand the heat.

While I agree with some of your opinions here, I disagree with some.

If she's not to assist in paying fees, then she shouldn't dictate the schools to be attended, after all "he who pays the piper dictates the tune"

Secondly, she uses one of her husband's cars and so a jeep may not be a necessity now. IMO sha

EfemenaXY:


Why are you so heavily involved in someone else's marriage? What's in it for you?

Re: bodily harm, so the man does have violent tendencies and you wonder why she got the police involved?

I am not involved in their marriage, I only shared what I heard because I feel hurt for both parties. Why should I be heavily involved Or should I push him out when next he comes complaining? I have nothing to gain there (to answer your question) because I have my own home. I told him NOT TO FORCE her to stay if she wants a break instead of them becoming a victim because of what he said has been going on. I am a woman but not a feminist, yes the man is the head and the woman as the neck has to help the head to turn comfortably.

I don't know why she got the police involved as I can't claim what I don't know. I asked him if he beats his wife or threatens her and he said no that the wife is the one that gets violent when angry and somehow I believe him because he acts and speaks gently like my husband.

Timbuktou, wetin I tell you?

Abeg look up...

School fees for 6 kids is about 115k per child. Not too bad in Lagos and definitely not
an expensive school. Seems like the guy is too scared of his wife. Don't understand that kind of relationship so I will pass.

glossy6:


I am not involved in their marriage, I only shared what I heard because I feel hurt for both parties. Why should I be heavily involved Or should I push him out when next he comes complaining? I have nothing to gain there (to answer your question) because I have my own home. I told him NOT TO FORCE her to stay if she wants a break instead of them becoming a victim because of what he said has been going on. I am a woman but not a feminist, yes the man is the head and the woman as the neck has to help the head to turn comfortably.

I don't know why she got the police involved as I can't claim what I don't know. I asked him if he beats his wife or threatens her and he said no that the wife is the one that gets violent when angry and somehow I believe him because he acts and speaks gently like my husband.

When they say we women are the architects of our own problems, this is exactly what is meant.

You don't know the dynamics of this 16 year old marriage with 6 kids, you've never spoken to the wife nor heard her version of events, yet you feel comfortable giving destructive advice based on one party's version of events??

Seriously!

glossy6:

His daughter passed the model college exams and the wife is threatening hell on earth that her child won't attend a cheap school. My kids attend model college and I don't have an issue with that and to think that I earn and have more qualifications than her beats me. And the man looks so quiet and forlorn. I can't give my husband 10% of that trouble ooh. If I kill him with stress, who will come to my aid

Why the comparism? Is this some sort of competition?

How has what she want for her kids got to do with you, your qualifications, or the school(s) your own kids attend? Is she asking you to pay for the education of her kids?

Even if the mother wants her kids to be schooled on the moon or at planet Neptune, what's that got to do with you? You're fanning the embers in someone else's marriage with your interference while adopting the my marriage better pass your own mentality with your criticisms and you don't even see it.

@OP

Let me diagnose your situation. Foremost, your wife started acting up after she emancipated from your predatory actions and inaction, which was the case at the inception of the union. This is the hidden truth both of you will never tell each other neither by omission nor commission.

You and I know that she didn't reach the mental stage of self realization before you married her off, so she didn't marry you conscientiously; more like you cajoled her into the union, albeit with both good intention of (you love her), and bad intention ( you dominated her and thought that this would remains so until eternity ).

Well, as it stands now, your best bet should be to separate with her peaceful and of course with her consent. This separation should be assumed a temporary one. But don't give her the impression that she's not permanently indispensable in your life - you really need to master the act of diplomacy.

Now, after the separation, what will determine if she will come back to you quickly or ever again would depend on who exactly you were to her/how you have treated her all this long while. Believe you me, if you were a great source of positive energy to her, sure she will soon seek for reconciliation with you. But if you were a constant source of negative energy to her, she may never come back to you again, in this instance only the seek of the children would make her to reconnect with you but without true love and peace.

I know she also has some bad attributes that has contributed to her ill actions of late, but that's not too important to deliberate on at this juncture.

Attitude is the key. No sane and sound person would permanently give up on someone with an infectious personality.

EfemenaXY:


When they say we women are the architects of our own problems, this is exactly what is meant.

You don't know the dynamics of this 16 year old marriage with 6 kids, you've never spoken to the wife nor heard her version of events, yet you feel comfortable giving destructive advice based on one party's version of events??

Seriously!




Why the comparism? Is this some sort of competition?

How has what she want for her kids got to do with you, your qualifications, or the school(s) your own kids attend? Is she asking you to pay for the education of her kids?

Even if the mother wants her kids to be schooled on the moon or at planet Neptune, what's that got to do with you? You're fanning the embers in someone else's marriage with your interference while adopting the my marriage better pass your own mentality with your criticisms and you don't even see it.

Your opinion but I know my intent & they are not destructive. For crying out loud, the man at the centre cries day in, day out that he can't afford those fees and that's where she should render a helping hand. I don't understand the angle you are coming from, maybe you are translating your name literally "my wealth is mine or here". But in all sincerity, a woman should be helpful, though I've not heard from her. I shared this story so as to get opinions and you are here sounding as if home building is solely for men and how a man should die pleasing a woman in the capacity he cannot obviously function. Am still at a loss at what you are driving at but your message is clear that she should ride on. My marriage can not be said to be better than hers because we all have our challenges, what I imply there is that I earn above her and tend to prioritize my spending & you are here interpreting my write up to portray what is not.

I Am not against her choice of school either as I've often told him to do what suits them in terms of meeting the educational needs of their family because they cannot be me and I cannot be them. I am sharing a story, which opinions coming in may differ but attacking me is not a way forward here.

What sort of a toy man is that one biko?

1. Marry sane women, Nigerian men won't hear they will be focusing on cooking and cleaning

2. Have a family financial plan where you both know each others sources of income and plan expenditure, una no go hear the men will be forming super men " I can handle all finances alone just cook and clean.

3. Be financially open have a budget both of you can stick to, you both will know that this is the family budget this is what we can afford for rent and fees, stop all these archaic secrecy on both ends. This is 2016 this Economy doesn't support financial stupidity.



For women stop this silliness, you are a grown adult, you should not leave the full financial responsibility on any man alone , work together as a family pay bills and have a healthy attitude towards family finance.

Nigerians don't listen to sane advise, the men will want women they can control to cook and clean the women want ATM men, marry sane spouses and have a good attitude towards money mba.

glossy6:


I am not involved in their marriage, I only shared what I heard because I feel hurt for both parties. Why should I be heavily involved Or should I push him out when next he comes complaining? I have nothing to gain there (to answer your question) because I have my own home. I told him NOT TO FORCE her to stay if she wants a break instead of them becoming a victim because of what he said has been going on. I am a woman but not a feminist, yes the man is the head and the woman as the neck has to help the head to turn comfortably.

I don't know why she got the police involved as I can't claim what I don't know. I asked him if he beats his wife or threatens her and he said no that the wife is the one that gets violent when angry and somehow I believe him because he acts and speaks gently like my husband.

Based on what you wrote, I actually don't believe her domestic violence claim, simply because she boldly called the Police. Women who are actually abused in the home are often afraid of calling the Police. They're usually afraid of their husbands going to jail, afraid of calling the Police because should the husband return home (and this man was not arrested) the violence would get worse, are afraid of being left alone to raise their kids, etc. In other words they live in fear. But based on your post this woman is the bully, very confident and controlling and definitely doesn't sound like someone suffering from domestic violence. If anything, she's the abuser. Women can be abusive too, making the man the victim.

Actually some do call the police.

Yieldings:
Based on what you wrote, I actually do not believe the domestic violence claim from her, based on the fact that she called the Police. Women who are abused in the home are typically afraid of their husbands going to jail, are afraid of calling the Police because should the husband return home (and this man was not arrested) the violence would get worse, are afraid of being left alone to raise their kids, etc. In other words they live in fear in the house, but based on your post this woman is the bully a d definitely doesn't sound like someone suffering from domestic violence. If anything, she's the abuser and women can be abusive too.

Sure, but many do not. Those who do typically do it covertly (this woman did not) and often after leaving the premises with the kids, for fear of facing the man as he's being taken away. Again, not the case here. I could go on, but I don't believe the claim.

daretodiffer:
Actually some do call the police.

GBAMOLOGY!!!!

Don't expect to live as a single man or woman and expect to live happily under the same roof later on. Most marriages survive ONLY BECAUSE OF DISTANCE.

It is really not possible to LIVE under the same roof with 99.999999% of Nigerian men or WOMEN.

We irritate ourselves on SIGHT!

Just kpansh, breed and GO!

Shikena!!!

Welcome to OPEN marriage 001.

glossy6:


My dear, I feel like speaking with the wife but then I don't know her and I am not a family member, just a colleague and it looks somehow calling her on phone over such a sensitive matter.

Even at that I can't be An arbitrator here. It looks so complicated!

I agree. So, you need to just keep being supportive without taking sides. There's always 3 sides to EVERY STORY. The man's, the woman's and THE GODS'!

EfemenaXY:


When they say we women are the architects of our own problems, this is exactly what is meant.

You don't know the dynamics of this 16 year old marriage with 6 kids, you've never spoken to the wife nor heard her version of events, yet you feel comfortable giving destructive advice based on one party's version of events??

Seriously!




Why the comparism? Is this some sort of competition?

How has what she want for her kids got to do with you, your qualifications, or the school(s) your own kids attend? Is she asking you to pay for the education of her kids?

Even if the mother wants her kids to be schooled on the moon or at planet Neptune, what's that got to do with you? You're fanning the embers in someone else's marriage with your interference while adopting the my marriage better pass your own mentality with your criticisms and you don't even see it.

The reason people should learn to stay out of others' relationships, to avoid the unconscious sentiment of "I beta pass my neighbor generator fumes"!

KanwuliaMama:


I agree. So, you need to just keep being supportive without taking sides. There's always 3 sides to EVERY STORY. The man's, the woman's and THE GODS'!

I will try to be neutral as much as possible, only it hurts me to see him in pains.

glossy6:


I will try to be neutral as much as possible, only it hurts me to see him in pains.

Yes it hurts. But you must remove yourself before he begins to see you as his 'anchor' and one thing leads to another.
Face your life je je o!
He has his cross and you have yours.
I am sure there are other co-workers he can confide in.
Preferable A MALE. . . NOT A FEMALE!
Don't complicate your life please.

glossy6 what you probably have is two types of people that were never compatible and should not have gotten married in the first place. Unfortunately wether they like it or not, they are joined together and have kids together.

The woman calling the police on him just out of tue blues does not add up. Its possible there was a quarrel at home on what to do with the extra money which led to the man threatening her enough for her to call the police.

The man is quickly losong control of his wife for her to have called police for him. Either that or she has been dealt with before by the man and is taking these harsh stances as her way of striking back.

Ask him to put all pride aside and invite her for both of them to go for couples counselling. They can see a senior family doctor or a psychiatrist (doesnt mean anyone is mad but psychiatrists make very good counsellors) or any elder pastor they both respect. He needs to get to the root of the problem and find a solution to it.



P.S op u might be biased towards this man cos he is the one u are acquainted with. It might be best to wait to pronounce judgement until u hear both sides of the story.

crackhaus:

That woman is just something else, and all he seems to be doing is nursing a psychological time-bomb that's only staying time till it blows off.

Tell your colleague to get a full hands-on grip on his balls and start owning his home....in a nicer way of course.

crackhaus:

Too easy

I'd rather they stay married while he makes her life a living hell.

How does he go about doing that?

glossy6:


I will try to be neutral as much as possible, only it hurts me to see him in pains.

You, having a crush on this man ni?

5minsmadness:
Glossy06 what you probably have is two types of people that were never compatible and should not have gotten married in the first place. Unfortunately wether they like it or not, they are joined together and have kids together.

The woman calling the police on him just out of tue blues does not add up. Its possible there was a quarrel at home on what to do with the extra money which led to the man threatening her enough for her to call the police.

The man is quickly losong control of his wife for her to have called police for him. Either that or she has been dealt with before by the man and is taking these harsh stances as her way of striking back.

Ask him to put all pride aside and invite her for both of them to go for couples counselling. They can see a senior family doctor or a psychiatrist (doesnt mean anyone is mad but psychiatrists make very good counsellors) or any elder pastor they both respect. He needs to get to tge root of the problem and find a solution to it.



P.S op u might be biased towards this man cos he is the one u are acquainted with. It might be best to wait to pronounce judgement until u hear both sides of the story.

this is sanity talking.

TheArchangel:
this is sanity talking.

More of hunger, to be honest. I havent eaten since morning.

5minsmadness:

More of hunger, to be honest. I havent eaten since morning.

I'd say the hunger should continue but ......

1) someone who can manufacture accusations is dangerous. Just like that she claimed the man is violent. Assuming he never ever raised his hands to hit her or even threatened to, that's enough reason for him to distance himself from her. That's a dangerous act right there. Also reeks of deep dislike for the man. He should save himself from crazy.

2) caveat: I'm for men and women contributing to the home financially as much as possible. That said, I don't feel sorry for any Nigerian guy who marries one of those women that don't want to. For goodness sake, you can't make a point of marrying a home keeper and expect her to also be a breadwinner. That's eating your cake and trying to have it back. If you're the kind of man that starts blowing hot air because you have to clean your child's poop or mop the floor, then shut up and bring home the bacon let the person whose sole duty in life is to clean up after you save her money and play house for you. Simple.
These confused dudes sef. Waltzing between traditional and modern as it pleases them.

3) OP you're emotionally invested in this man. Pls hands off and face your own home before your husband will start confiding in his female colleague about how his wife gives too much attention to one married man at her work place. It hurts you to see him in pain? I laugh in Washingtonian. That's how it starts. Innocent confidante. Nothing serious. Before you know it, you're beginning to hate the wife on his behalf. And then you're tempted to offer him comfort so that you'll stop hurting to see him in pain. We are all humans. Wepu aka enwe n'ofe tupu oburu aka mmadu.

TheArchangel:
You, having a crush on this man ni?

TheArchangel:
You, having a crush on this man ni?

As for craving his attention or having a crush on him, no way! But the truth is that we were working together in the Island, before I was posted out and then we were posted to the same location sometime February this year. This I believe makes me confide easily on me as his other male colleague is too vocal and may leak his secret.

I have made up my long ago not to be involved in extra marital relationship and this is not in any way a bait. I understand your fears and will guard myself accordingly.

We all live in different directions and have very limited interactions in the office, although those are not excuses for a woman who is not used to men ways and attention.

@glossy6 the man shld involve his family and her family in d matter o..dz is so serious. Marriage is really not for kids o. Dz is saddening.




Pls vote photoshoot for Mr nairaland...he has successfully scaled tru d semi finals..help him win ds crown..
Voting starts on Saturday 10am-6pm.
Section : fashion.
Thank u mam.

I don't know what to say......I hate bad marriages