I have being married for 5years and sadly I still dont feel so close to my husband. I got the bible says when two come together they become one. That is that become friends, right? But sadly it doesn't feel like it. My hubby is the kind that likes FULL time respect; greet me when you wake up in the morning, great me when I come back from work, (yes wives please greet your hubbys oo) am heading somewhere with this please dont judge me yet, don't go out without telling me, don't put your hands in my pocket, what are you looking for, don't talk .

While am talking (that is even understandable tho) many more I can't mention. Don't tap me on my shoulders if you want to talk to me, don't, don't, don't.

He also isn't romantic, he hates me been romantic around him, it gets him upset. Its been 4years plus and we still argue ALOT. I thought they said the first 3years is the time of misunderstandings but its 4years now and still nothing has really changed.

Sometimes i try to make him talk maybe am not doing something right, and he just always seems to find a fault. Either I don't have respect or I don't have respect or I don't obey him everything calls to respect. Well it's not like I don't respect him or I just wake up in the morning and start disrespecting him. No, it's always in the cause of an argument so while am trying to justify myself or win the case, the disrespect sorts of crops it's way in, but fews hours later you will see me back all over him, trying to make peace but by then I have lost all my worth. He is way closer to his mum and sister than even to me. He prefers to Share all his secrets with them than with me.

Last two weeks was like the saddest day of my life in this marriage journey. He bought a car for his mum, he didn't tell me, the car slept in the house over night I didn't know, on my way back from my outing I saw my hubby in a new car driving down with his mum, In amazement I came down to ask whose car it was and how come I was kept in the dark, then his mum said "it's my car didn't you know?" I felt like a stranger all over again. I called his mum on the phone few mins after I left the embarrasing scene to ask why her son didn't share the good news to me knowing fully well i'm not against him buying her a car. And she said my husband said i didn't greet my hubby the night before and also that morning. Yes I remeber not greeting him the night before cause we had little issue and i just thought to do small shakara, then my not greeting him that morning wasn't intentional, I even apologised immediately my husband cautioned me and I thought we were fine. But I guess we weren't. This is where friendship comes in marriage. No matter what your partner does( as long as it's not adultery or some other serious things I know some women can do.) I feel you should still be able to still give her the respect due. Abi I really wish out vind could grow stronger, it's bin 4years and my hubby doenst know my dress size, or shoe size or favorite artist or favourite food, my choice of music, my choice of anything, he hardly laughs at my joke, I can't tickle him or throw a pillow at him he will term it as lack of repect, I can't call him "ode"while joking he will say am rude, It's plenty ooo. I thought marriage was more you both becoming friends. Don't you think life is too short to be rigid ALL the time. My husband is very rigid it scares me alot if I would be able to go on for long.. I love him very much than anything in the world but he doesn't feel that way or that much for me. Not like he doesn't love me. But I think I love him more. So we are probably not on the same page. i want to be the one he can run to anyday anytime, share his secrets with, want to be the one that has the power to put the best smile on his face, but each time i try, i fail. WHY?? Is there still hope.

Anyone in the house who has testimonies of marriage getting better after 4years. Cause i feel if you fail the first 3years you may never get it right. Mhen ladies you got to get it RIGHT from the beginning to avoid stories..

This is hurting. You should try seeing a therapist and have someone close to talk it out with. To unburden your heart and improve your relationship with ur husband

To the OP.

It is easier for people to apportion blames to the woman,but I will not do that.

Sometimes,to solve problems like this,you have to revisit how you guys met,and did before the marriage.

Was there courtship before marriage?this is very important,since you said he does not even know the things you like and that includes music or even your dress or shoe size.

Was the marriage an arranged one?was it a courtship the Christian way,where you dating and speaking only about the bible before marriage?

How did he grow up?did he grow up in a house where the Mom literally worshipped the dad?and he is looking for something like that?

You did not mention kids.

Your write up makes it look as if you guys are strangers,I mean total strangers.

Let us talk about the respect thing. So,continual greeting to him shows respect right?he is your husband and if greetings make him feel respected,then please do it. Or does greeting him make you feel unhappy?

Some men are generally not the touchy type,and do not like women all over their body,he might be that type of man,and not necessary somebody that is not romantic,he just don't like being touched.

Lastly,and and this is for you. What makes you happy?I know a lot of women will do anything to be a (Mrs)but after the marriage then what?what gives you Joy in your marriage?

Talk with him. Do not talk to him. Talking with a person is the ability to draw the other person into your world,into your pains,into your frustrations,into your life.

He is human,and I am sure he will see reasons with you.

Goodluck.

Where CocoCandy sef?come advice here. If na to insult me now,I go see you.

Sorry about your predicament, but let me ask, did you guys date or people brought you together and marriage happened? And again, before marriage, was he displaying these signs and you ignored thinking marriage would change him? If the latter be the case, I suggest you just endure maybe one day, he'll loosen a bit otherwise, you'll just have to manage him like that.

Do you guys have kids? This post is better n the family section where u have more matured people

jopretty:
Sorry about your predicament, but let me ask, did you guys date or people brought you together and marriage happened? And again, before marriage, was he displaying these signs and you ignored thinking marriage would change him? If the latter be the case, I suggest you just endure maybe one day, he'll loosen a bit otherwise, you'll just have to manage him like that.

pls wether they dated is inconsequential what's appropriate for now is counsel on solutions,the way forward.

.....try and listen to this song everytime, it will really help. Emotionally.
RIDE ON by AC DC

How I wish we can get his own side of the story to be able to advise.

Wo/Men!

Why did u marry him!

Well, am gona ask few questns, didnt you guys date befor gettin married? Was he lyk dis then? Do you have kids and how many? What do you do? Or are yu a house wife? Am a married man,i guess i can dish out alil advice

Hope ur fine I can understand ur predicament my only advice have a one on one talk with him don't come on too aggressive and before u go remove every ounce of suspicions u have cos a little suspicion can crumble a marriage

am as confused as ur write up

One thing is clear from ur whole write-up:
there was little or no courtship between u two.
U two were probably matched by someone else.
Where you go from here is dependent on how you view
marriage and if you can live with your decision.
That is a path you alone must take and I won't attempt
to get in your way. Hell, there may even be some details
u have censored in ur story. But u must decide wisely!

If he was like this when both of you started dating and you still went ahead and married him, well then I'm afraid you'll have to put up with his attitude for life. That is why dating prior to marriage is vital to know whom you're settling down with. It's obvious both of you are incompatible. You can keep trying to change him though. It'll take a lot of hard work and effort.

I have a feeling his background is responsible for his attitude. Perhaps he comes from a family where a lot of emphasis is placed on maximum respect. He might be one of the guys who believe that giving a woman too much latitude breeds contempt and lack of respect in the long run. In that case it'll be extremely difficult to change his ingrained mindset.

The way I see it, you have absolutely no reason to be unhappy in the marriage. As long as he's faithful and fulfils his responsibilities as a husband, then there's absolutely no reason for you to be depressed.

Why did you marry him in tye first place? Was it a marriage of convenience? You need to ask yourself the real question. You are here giving us the TOPIC to discuss, but the real ISSUE lies within your heart and oly you knows why you dont feel close to him

Communication is the lifeblood of good marriages. Pour I mean POUR out ur thoughts to him in a relaxed atmosphere. No need to apportion blames. No need to win arguments. Jus let him know how u feel. Try do so more than once. If he doesn't change for good get someone he respects well to speak to him. Of course scrutinize yourself and make personal improvement where u have to. Ur marriage can succeed. All d very best

eeewise:
pls wether they dated is inconsequential what's appropriate for now is counsel on solutions,the way forward.

it's not inconsequential, u av to revisit d pre-marraige, as in, know where d problem came from or started

There are some jokes that can be taken too far...

Don't ever call your husband "Ode" either when joking or not especially when there is a third party there.

I would also take issues with that

The big question is, weren't you aware of his attitude before saying I do?

ivyy:
The big question is, weren't you aware of his attitude before saying I do?

Hmmmm good question from you Miss Sikiratu Sindodo.


But Op how would you playfully call your hubby ode?

I think you guys should see a marriage Councillor cuz there's definitely a communication gap.

I would rather not judge anyone. Plus it is just one side of the story.

If your story is 100% true. I would advice you sit him down and talk about all this issues. There is something you are not doing right. If u ask he would tell you. His actions are inspired by something.

Lastly it is absolutely wrong to call your husband 'ode'. In any circumstance it is derogatory. It would only push him away from you.

This is hard one dear.take heart,i dont even know what to advice you but keep trying naybe one day he'll change.

freshRaymond:
Well, am gona ask few questns, didnt you guys date befor gettin married? Was he lyk dis then? Do you have kids and how many? What do you do? Or are yu a house wife? Am a married man,i guess i can dish out alil advice

@freshraymond. Thank you. We dated for only two months. But we knew we liked eachother. The mistake we made was we had no clue it doesn't and by liking. Okay now we both now actually realise we don't understand each other AT ALL. When we argue he reminds me that it was his mum who begged him to stay cause I was pregnant for him but planned pregnancy we both planned it. When we argue he also reminds me of how he wished he never settled down with me. When he is angry like this am his greatest night mare. Sometimes I just want to run away as in far away from him. He HATES me sooo much when he is angry. What keeps me going is he is really nice. He is a very nice guy and that's my encouragement he gives me everything I ask for, interms of finances, and then our sexual life is perfect. BUT the understanding each other aspect is not working. I don't know what else to do

Why would it be an issue for you to show respect? Did we Nigerians not grow up respecting our older family members? It should not be difficult to show such respect to your husband who is not your mate.

From all you have written, it is obvious that you want a husband whom you can jokingly "yab" or play roughly with. But this man is not ready for such "games". Give him what he wants. Some people cannot stand little games like rubbing their heads or beating them on the shoulder or calling them goat or refusing to greet in the morning. To them, it is just too childish and disrespectful.

Such people don't start acting hard suddenly. You must have overlooked this during courtship. Better adjust. This is not relationship. This is marriage we are talking about.

Babztemmy:

@freshraymond. Thank you. We dated for only two months. But we knew we liked eachother. The mistake we made was we had no clue it doesn't and by liking. Okay now we both now actually realise we don't understand each other AT ALL. When we argue he reminds me that it was his mum who begged him to stay cause I was pregnant for him but planned pregnancy we both planned it. When we argue he also reminds me of how he wished he never settled down with me. When he is angry like this am his greatest night mare. Sometimes I just want to run away as in far away from him. He HATES me sooo much when he is angry. What keeps me going is he is really nice. He is a very nice guy and that's my encouragement he gives me everything I ask for, interms of finances, and then our sexual life is perfect. BUT the understanding each other aspect is not working. I don't know what else to do

Sweetheart, the statement "He HATES me sooo much when he is angry. What keeps me going is he is really nice. He is a very nice guy and that's my encouragement he gives me everything I ask for, interms of finances, and then our sexual life is perfect. BUT the understanding each other aspect is not working" denotes the fact that u actually didn't and still don't know the essence of marriage. I'm really sorry u are going through this at this early stage of ur marriage and I will sincerely advice u as @Iphesure212 has said to see a therapist. You both need help. But irrespective of whatever he says to you whenever he s angry, I want u to know and believe ur husband LOVES u. U both just lack some basic understandings. I can refer u to a therapist if u don't know/have any (that's if u don't mind)

Well, I've been married for about the same time as you are. When I first read your story, I wanted to ask if you dated at all but on reading the comments, then your response, asking won't be necessary anymore.

Now dear, this is a situation you have to manage well to be able to keep your home. It's obvious you had little time to check compatibility. You have to endure pending the time you see a therapist but before then, give him everything he wants, I mean EVERYTHING. He wants respect, he gets it, He does not want to be touched, so be it. I'm sure he's not making some unreasonable demands of you otherwise you'd have told us.

The only little 'ish' I see here is your hubby not confiding in you. You should work more on earning his trust. Really it's a slap that he prefers his mum or sis to you. Don't fret over it just talk with him more, have little or no arguments, act the fool at times. I hate divorces. Then except in absolute helpless situations, don't discuss your marital issues with outsiders, your mum and his mum are classified outsiders, how much less others.

The marriage is still young, I know you'll come around. You forgot to tell us whether you work or not. I want to tell you to ensure you get another life outside marriage. Let your mind be occupied with stuff. You said he is a financial pillar for you but my dear, get busy too. If I were married to a Dangote I'll still be my workaholic self. That way you'll have less time to worry about trivial things. If you don't work presently just engage in some activities that will make you happy. I wish your marriage the best.

These days when people say they are courting they just fùck, give gifts, go on outings and little else.
No trying to understand one's partner
No communicating
nothing

though not married! I understand how it feels 2b so lonely when ur spouse is still around, but I tell u... all d signs listed above points 2 a lack of emotional attachment,cos even d hardest of men.. when in love, acts all simple and loving.go do some background check and I bet u... u b shocked at what u see.... don't allow anyone make u unhappy jare. give d marriage 1 final chance, and If there isn't any improvement.... take some drastic measures...or u c urself cheating on him emotionally.

My Dear all that glitter is not gold. He spends money on you that is why you married him in the first place. You thought he was so nice cause of the trinkets and money he spends. That is why you married him, just be satisfied.

I'm not married. But i absolutely think your husband has some case of pride. A chip on his shoulder that he wants to feel like a demi god. Who best else to feed his ego like his own wife.

Point is if this has gone on for 4 years, I dont see what a talking to would really change. As I'm pretty sure sitting him down and talking to him about his attitude is a big disrespect (in his own world),But give it a shot and see.

And dont always act too bothered. Play the i dont care card for much longer and if he dosent come around then you married a hard core narcissist.

But try and go out more regularly..let him see how other men treat their wives,watch more romantic movies together and stuff.

Ok bye!

wat do u want us to do now?