@Op, I advise you to take the bull by the horn. No need to always ask a woman politely to make love to her especially if she's wifee. See, I'm a woman and I can tell you authoritatively and from experience that most women don't like the slack man but the vicious who asserts. Not that you should rape but just show that you are in charge of that ministry. When she brings up those countless excuses, just do some sweet little talks into her ears and voila! The aches are all gone and the act sets in. Sometimes I wonder, if you men only knew the little things that trigger and make women surrender. Cheers dear!

cococandy:
How did those ladies calling you get your number? You're married and still distributing your number everywhere and have the guts to brag about it.
If you want to smoothen things over with your wife, talk to her about it not us. We can't say anything that will make her change Except you're going to show her this thread. And stop giving ladies your number.

Nice talk somehow but, a lady that is interested in you would get your number BAM. Secondly, you might give someone ur contact not because u wanna keep female folks but because there's need for it at that point in time (probably business/official) and find her crushing on you.

Also, I know he has talked it out with her; not once. I think the institution called marriage is gradually failing in most homes and a lot of extra marital affairs are already on. One lesson I've learnt in recent time is to marry MY FRIEND whom I can confide in and of course, share a lot of compatibility with, including sex. Sorry I might sound harsh but I like to test drive since I must STAY with my wife and HER ALONE.

innovestor:


Bros, thanks but u need to upgrade your decision o. Marriage is sweet. The challenges in it even make it sweeter. You no go understand till you marry.

That ur prob, is a constant. Won all my bets with my frnds. During courtship, u can't seem to get enough, but afta d wedding n one or 2 kids, story that touch go start!?


Some are actually lucky to marry a 'machine', but quite uncommon.

Just get d helpmate, if u can afford it, it can be very expensive o!

Though, if she finds out, na another brouhaha be dat! Pussy u no drop, helpmate u no want?! How for do?

cococandy:
stop guessing on his behalf

But you just guessed and assumed he has been "distributing" his number. double standard much?

pcguru1:
OP go to reddit and join this sub reddit DeadBedroom they have good feedbacks, this is a common thing, sadly I can't give you any advice because am not married which is one and two because am not married sleeping around is not foreign for me. Maybe you might wanna let her know sex is lacking or you guys might wanna plan a night where you guys have sex. Or find something to occupy your mind, alot of marriage get sexless pretty quick.

your advice is good. Reddit deadbedroom chapter has almost the answer. He should subscribe there asap.

So sad but find time to talk again, say your church mind, ask if you are irritating her as her husband or what can you do to improved your love making together, and get books on marriage and read together. Jesus will revive your home. Less I remember, help her to do some work at home.

Hi Innovestor,first,I'll like to know,what does your wife do? How many kids do you have? How old are they? Does she have any help? Even if she's a fulltime mum it is still a daunting task. I have just one daughter and sometimes after spending a full day with her I'm so tired sex is so far from my mind even if I see Idris Elba swinging a 10inch pipe. Also,have you thought maybe she has a low libido? If yes,there are natural stuff she can take to help out,majorly fruits. And lastly,pls don't threaten to go out,that is just wrong. I don't know the kind of person your wife is but if my man tells me that,I'm zeroing off him completely. Let her know how much you love and desire her,send one or two messages throughout the day,help with dinner and the kids when you can if no help and see what happens

at the end of the day, the op will sift all he needs and discard the rest.

the double standards is quite alarming though but this is nl, where anything goes.

eyinjuege:
1. Maybe the sex has become boring. She doesn't enjoy it anymore with you.

2. Or maybe she's really tired as she says she is.
Does she work? What time does she get home from work? Who picks up the kids from school? Who takes care of them after school? Who takes care of the cooking?, cleaning, washing?
If she does all these alone, she will be genuinely tired everyday. The traffic situation alone can cause a headache on its own. Having young children screaming I want this, I want that can cause another headache. Cooking different meals for the children, and then for the older ones too everyday can stress you out too.

3. Also, women do think about money issues too.
So if she's broke and there are some expenses pending in the home like house rent, school fees, changing her car because the old one keeps giving her trouble, sex would be far from her mind.

Some men find sex as a stress reliever, and when stressed they want sex.
Its not the same for most women, who when stressed see sex as more stress or even a stress inducer.

Good post. God bless you.

Chillisauce:


You wey Don submit wey your own husband. Abi you follow the the ones married to Jesus Satan leave me alone.

Go submit to your on N'a and leave the babe alone. Agadi ekwe nka.

Check him out

Plenty story no fit solve this matter.

I am not polygamous and I abhor infidelity in marriage. However, I'll teach her a lesson if she were mine. Of course after all peaceful means have failed.

I'll simply marry a second wife! Women are wired differently, but she needs to talk to her husband, tell him what the issue is. Is she a baby? she believes he has no choice that's why she's acting up.

Innovestor bro, please don't cheat. Marry a second wife. Don't tell her before doing it either. Haha. Make sure you explore all avenues of extracting what is wrong from her before trying polygamy.

Another thing you thankfully never wrote about is infidelity. Trust is important in marriage and so is sex. I hope another guy is not chopping your groundnut, bros?

When we tell una to marry oyinbo una say no,na darkie better pass,now una don see am now?.op are you sure your wife is not getting it from other sources e.g vibrator or side man?

I doubt that,over here na me dey even runaway from it sef,by the way how did other women get your number?#justaskingsinceyouaremarried.

I have not read all your writeup though, but I'll advise that if you've done your own part well it may not be like this.
Consider talking to your wife about this sex lust that is threatening your matrimony. Extramarital sex is, of course, a BIG Noooooo! Disease, poverty and death lurks round extramarital sex affairs.
However, Islam is a good religion. So, if you are a Muslim and can fulfil the polygamy rule, you may consider marrying another wife.
God is the best knower.

innovestor:
Why Is This Common With Most Wives? They Need To CHANGE!

Hello NLers.

I am here basically to sample thoughts and opinions on this matter from matured minds. No insults or names calling. Just address the issue with suggestions.

There is a saying (by me ) that goes thus: Learn to appreciate what you have now. Don't wait till it's gone to find out its value. There is also another saying (not by me ) that goes thus: Wives don't suck dick; only girlfriends do.

So to the matter. I am married to this lovely lady. She is good by good standards (details will be given later if need be). I am also good by good standards (details will be given later if need be ). However when it comes to making love, this is where the "matters arising" comes to play; yes sex.

Firstly, I am not necessarily the over demanding type, however i am not sexually satisfied completely in my home. I am very understanding when she actually is not in the right frame of conditions to make love, however for me making the moves every time for us to make love is tiring (and yes ladies you should make the moves sometimes, if not more).

Secondly, i am the type with a conscience. I have not raped and will never rape any one even my wife because this is practically impossible for me as my man-hood (which lives on) will suddenly slump in such situation (that's why i said practically impossible). So what am i driving at? Once my wife tells me she is a bit tired, she has a slight waist pain, head-ache, leg ache etc. i practically refrain from making love to her. It has happened most times that i am all up and doing and ready to hit the road and then she says she has a head-ache (unconsciously i must admit most times) i just pack-up and hit the bed to dream world.

Now the challenge is this. Being sort of sexually deprived by my wife, being a hardworking good citizen of Nigeria that makes an average earning (at least i dey drive motor and can comfortably take care of my family and one or two more outsiders despite the harsh economy) I am exposed to falling into countless number of temptations. In order not to brag, i have ladies calling me almost on a daily basis now and literally begging me to "shine their congo". Yes they know i am married with kids but don't care. Na me dey dodge them sef and avoid picking some calls.

Now the question is this: what can i do to solve this issue? What can i do to make my wife get off her relaxed state to make the moves for us to be more sexually engaged (and i am not talking of just missionary alone, i love adventure)? Should i just ignore her talks of head aches and find a means of forcing myself to do it with her ( I have actually asked her if this is what she wants - no response received). What can i do?

I am asking as we have had this sex talk twice and i have told her what i felt about the whole thing (of course she shed tears na). The third time we had the discussion, i told her categorically that this would be the last time for such discussion because if there is not improvement, i will not talk to her about it anymore and would seek other means to "help myself out". This is where i am at the moment.

So you ideas are welcome ladies and gentlemen.

P.S. Wow! So the write up long reach like this? be patient to read through.

All men get in here. You see most times we women/Ladies are always tired either from house chores, office duties and mental thinking oh yes mental duties. We are always thinking about something, always multi tasking and stuff. We get drained when the day is over and all we can think about is a bed to sleep and pray silently not to be disturbed so this brain can rest and the body too.

So now, if your Lady is always tired, literally everyday. Then you have to take matters into your own hands. Make her feel like a baby. Prepare a warm bath for her (depends on your bathroom) Maybe dinner, order or cook whichever one you think will taste better lol.

What you are doing is setting a romantic atmosphere without even touching her. Let her get out of that tire state herself. You could surprise her with a gift too. Just make her smile. Offer to massage that weak body. Real massage o not romance the body. (watch videos on massage on you tube or any where ) Yes! This is war and you must be ready to win. Haha!

At this point trust me madam is already feeling mushy. Please do all this willingly and not grudgingly. Tell her she's beautiful and you love her. This words means a lot to us.

At this point she's all yours. After the bath, you can go down on her. Just be romantic. Try this every now and then to be getting it. If you can't do all, try at least 2 or 3.

Nigerian men just be romantic. Don't just bring your D to a tired woman every night and just want to shook every time. Common, spoil your lady. Make her feel like a baby and see if you won't be hitting that coochie.

rodimus:



But you just guessed and assumed he has been "distributing" his number. double standard much?

I actually wanted to state that, but wasn't ready for the back and forth, well women are allowed to have double standards I guess that's the crime we men have to pay, after all we've supposedly being oppressing them with our patraichical society

Emeerald:


All men get in here. You see most times we women/Ladies are always tired either from house chores, office duties and mental thinking oh yes mental duties. We are always thinking about something, always multi tasking and stuff. We get drained when the day is over and all we can think about is a bed to sleep and pray silently not to be disturbed so this brain can rest and the body too.

So now, if your Lady is always tired, literally everyday. Then you have to take matters into your own hands. Make her feel like a baby. Prepare a warm bath for her (depends on your bathroom) Maybe dinner, order or cook whichever one you think will taste better lol.

What you are doing is setting a romantic atmosphere without even touching her. Let her get out of that tire state herself. You could surprise her with a gift too. Just make her smile. Offer to massage that weak body. Real massage o not romance the body. (watch videos on massage on you tube or any where ) Yes! This is war and you must be ready to win. Haha!

At this point trust me madam is already feeling mushy. Please do all this willingly and not grudgingly. Tell her she's beautiful and you love her. This words means a lot to us.

At this point she's all yours. After the bath, you can go down on her. Just be romantic. Try this every now and then to be getting it. If you can't do all, try at least 2 or 3.

Nigerian men just be romantic. Don't just bring your D to a tired woman every night and just want to shook every time. Common, spoil your lady. Make her feel like a baby and see if you won't be hitting that coochie.

I know some guys will say this is unnecessary but I think it is, I think some women lose the passion because ita now duty sex no longer the affectionate sex, women are emotional being from my few experiences a woman's porn is something like telemundo while a man's porn is just a naked body or sex. I think Op should try out this advice, I like this advice alot some women feel like they are no longer wooed after marriage. If that doesn't work then it must mean she has some hormone issues.

euromilion:
When we tell una to marry oyinbo una say no,na darkie better pass,now una don see am now?.op are you sure your wife is not getting it from other sources e.g vibrator or side man?

I doubt that,over here na me dey even runaway from it sef,by the way how did other women get your number?#justaskingsinceyouaremarried.

You wey dey talk, you marry Oyinbo person?

pcguru1:


Sexless Marriage is a common thing, am beginning to fear i might not escape am not as morally uptight as OP, I don't mind seeking a divorce if i know am gonna be sexually frustrated in the long run. I don't want to harbor hatred against anyone i'd rather just leave.

This thread is an eye opener, check out the reddit stuff

Na wah o, wetin dis life dey turn to sef !

ogaprime:


Hello sir, I have a question...what do you mean "thorough home work" can you explain further so that youths with marriage in view can learn, thanks sir

Sir what i meant by thorough home work is that don't go about licking ice cream and watching movies and having sex anyhow and think you are dating. its not sufficient. You need to ask intimate questions. such silly questions as what church do we attend and how many kids do we have after marriage has caused the break up of some relationships and even marriages. We could talk more offline if you want.

Bidobado:
I am an avid reader of nairaland, more like a silent reader, but I am compelled to reply to this topic, as this is one of the major reason for break ups and divorce.
Nigerian women are scammers, well not all of them. They work hard in keeping their body shape and manners and as soon as they get married and have kids, you see their true colours.
They become fat, uninterested in satisfying their husbands and garrulous. Christianity also help them in perpetrating this fraud since the man has been indoctrinated into thinking marrying more than wife is a sin, whereas it's not.
Any woman who fiddles while her husband gets neglected sexually deserves the blow back arising from this grave error.
My advice to you is to start "Piping" external congos and relieve the pressure on your wife, when she realises that she has been relegated like Newcastle, then she will work hard into getting promoted back to the Konji premier league.

and this is all you are "compelled" to contribute right?

No be small thing oooooo, its rampant and I don't know why? Have mercy O lord

TV01:
Hi Innovestor, nothing new under the sun. I applaud your desire to restore normalcy in your home. But please don't countenance covenant breaking or even threats of it as a means to that end.

First peruse this thread, and particularly my comments therein - https://www.nairaland.com/1845744/intimate-incompatibility-marriage#25285431. That speaks mostly to the bio-mechanical aspects. Please appropriate what is relevant to your situation.

There may be some overlap from the above post/thread, but equally important is to touch on the bio-dynamics. That is the situation in your home, both your family circumstances and the "mutuality" between the both of you.

Men and women view sex differently. Indeed, their perceptions and oft times responses to every stimuli or situation is typically different, and usually for good reason - and largely by design. Understanding our differences and working to harmonise them is key to healthy relationships and happy homes.

Your situation could be due to;

1. stress/work overload, leaving your wife tired. Things like work, anxieties, childbirth etc. have to be managed and hopefully overcome to restore normalcy
2. the attraction - painful to say, let alone hear - may have waned/died. You have to take steps to restore/revive it. Basically increasing your status/desirability in the eyes of your wife. Women will make an effort to please men they respect
3. she may simply have a low drive - see above post. If she is well cultured or of deep faith, she will actually know it's her duty to please you. If you are, go to God sharpish.

Try and pinpoint the main issue - as there may well be a combination and take it from there. Please learn to ignore the godless misandrists that abound here, they'll just enervate you and cause a loss of focus.

All the best as you build your home.


TV

Do you know that in this life whoever that is not doing well knows that he is not doing well ? Only pretence or deceit will suffice for that fellow.

Yes, disagrements do occur in every relationship over little matters but whoever makes his or her partner complain bitterly over an issue like the poster is complaining is plain silly.

Who is she reserving her body for apart from her husband ?

Poster (innovestor) should call her parents, father and mother to report her stupidity. If she wants, let her give her husband SEX TIMETABLE rather than always leaving him go limp when his body is craving gratification..

Truth cannot be explained away. Life is too short to spend it complaining bitterly...

Ugosample:



You wey dey talk, you marry Oyinbo person?

No mind am the thread for reddit na oyinbo people full there

[quote author=Yoyostic post=48587247]Men,once they hook you,they forget the 'romance' side of them. What have you done personally to spice up her sex life? sometimes it's not just all about sex. Things like cuddling,romantic talks,showing real care and concern,holding hands,love messages,assisting her once in a while with chores e.t.c. hmm.You won't even need to start begging for sex if you try few of these.But the average african man will hardly do these,their ego will never permit such.How u wan take climb woman that is botg emotionally

Timbuktou:


I've been in marriage for years and before then, quite a number of women. And if there's anything I have learnt, and I have a learnt a lot , it's to take anything women say with a truckload of salt. Why? Because they often say one thing and mean another.

You can hardly talk a woman into sleeping with you. If she doesn't want to, she won't. If you like, turn into an Atilogu dancer.

Truth!!!

Timbuktou:

You mention women's body language, do men not have a body language too? Abi na only women own dey important? You don't know there are things that could actually turn men off in women? You don't know that there are men who can no longer be turned on by their wives, despite the reddest negligée? You be learner.

You cannot negotiate attraction. A word is enough and so on...

A man's own feelings & presures don't matter to them because they don't value the men in thier lives.

Kids sitting on the outside thinking they know better than those on the inside!

mirob:
This institution called marriage is getting scary everyday, negative stories here and there. God help us.

Me too...
I'm very scared...
The person whom you think you know just puts on a new behavior...
Things just change anyhow...
Close family members become timekeepers and burdens...
Combining work schedule with home duties...
Even things you laughed at when dating/courting will become a serious issue when married...
No one is perfect yet parents and family members will be talking about tribal issues, customs and traditions....
That's just the least of my problem; the character of this individual should be more important...

The list goes on and on...


I am scared to be sincere...
God na you I hand over myself and fears too...
Marriage, one institution that you get the certificate before practising and tolerates no failures...

It is well, Jesus'Jewel

Onegai:
Innovestor, today is Thursday, send your wife a message right now, ask her what she's doing, if there's light etc. Come home earlier than usual and play with the kids. Buy cake for your wife and everybody eat. When I say play, I mean PLAY. Dance like an egun masquerade. During this play, you guys should make a paper ball, recreate the NIG-GER match of yesterday (pls be Germany ) and stylishly throw it at Mum. Let her pass it back, infact,rush her if she holds the ball long. Feel free to smack her bum during the play, no red card given. Don't ask for sex.

Tomorrow, come home and watch whatever she wants to watch, discuss it with her animatedly. What hairdo is she wearing? Bet you don't know offhand tell her to bring her nailpolish, you want to practise painting because the economy has crashed and manipedis ain't cheap. Ask her what's going with life. Just listen. Gist freely.

Saturday, you and her go to the mall. Go watch a movie together (no kids allowed). In the car home, hold her hand. When you get home, don't sit in your usual seat (the one you use as your personal space), sit with her. Tell her "I've missed us having fun, I've missed you". See how the evening goes.

How I wish all men will act like you've just said. But this kind of stuffs only happen in Korea love movies. Missing my husband already

jesusjewel1:


Me too...
I'm very scared...
The person whom you think you know just puts on a new behavior...
Things just change anyhow...
Close family members become timekeepers and burdens...
Combining work schedule with home duties...
Even things you laughed at when dating/courting will become a serious issue when married...
No one is perfect yet parents and family members will be talking about tribal issues, customs and traditions....
That's just the least of my problem; the character of this individual should be more important...

The list goes on and on...


I am scared to be sincere...
God na you I hand over myself and fears too...
Marriage, one institution that you get the certificate before practising and tolerates no failures...

It is well, Jesus'Jewel

Join the club, my worst fear is a marriage when am frustrated or not happy, I will just leave esp if there are no kids.

Young man, am a motivational speaker... contact me on whatsapp cos am willing to help out # 08058044675...

Have you ever sat down and discuss these things with her?

Getting sex outside your home won't even help you bro, it rather complicate ur life the more,talk with ur wife and know her problem ,try and make life easy for her by helping out with some of the problem she will mention to you( that is, if you are sincere with ur approach to her and really wanna help, if not u might end up getting nothing from her)believe me every woman wants to keep her home, ur marriage is in ur hand,stop complaining and tackle the problem, make ur marriage what you admire it to look Like...trust me she will give it her BEST