Hi! pls I need more comments endorsements, rave reviews, rants, criticisms for my next book, Savannah Adventures; the book is about a school excursion that went awry, its abt all the pranks you played in Sec. School, Adventures, Teenage Love, Responsibility, fear and so many other things (I am the worst Descriptor/ synospsist, when it comes to describing my book ).

interested in providing a review, feel free to make a comment here or at www.siscocom/books and I will send it to you. Here are the first two chapters.

CHAPTER ONE (part 1)

A guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning! As his golden drops caressed them, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things: giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the night to sleep, for the Day’s turn in watching the world in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky.

Morning, found all the students, except one, still in their slumber, their body too weak to respond to the greetings of the sun, sneaking in through the rims and slits of the closed wooden windows into their small dark room. John was the only one responding. John, the Assistant Senior Prefect of the school, who was tall and handsome, in a now dirty, white shirt and blue jean Trousers; whose interests in life alternated between girls, particular Obiageli and studying, was wide awake and like the sun, was watching over his fellow students. They were either lying or sitting in awkward postures by the walls of the small room. His elderly eyes traveled round from one student to another. It rested momentarily on the student on the left side of him, Aminu Gwagda.

Aminu Gwagda was in the same class, Senior Secondary School 3 (SS3), as John and had recovered earlier, during the night from his unconsciousness, but had fallen again into another era of unconsciousness, as a result of the beating he received during the “who told you? How did you know? And who else knows?” interrogation. This had added more wounds to his already mauled slim body; a bleeding arm and a cut behind the ear.

John’s eyes swept from Aminu to the person sitting next to him on the same wall, Paulinus. Congealed blood was caked from the corner of Paulinus’s mouth down to his chin and on his brow, nose and right arm. His mouth looked swollen and John wondered how he managed to sleep in that twisted position that he sat.

Next at the corner of the adjoining wall, still by John’s left, was Chijioke. The eleven years old, J.S.S.1 boy had nothing to show that he had also been beaten thoroughly. Next huddled together by the left of Chijioke were the twins; Taye and Kehinde, the two petite J.S.S.1 girls were sleeping in each other’s arms. “They must have been consoling themselves before they fell asleep,” thought John.

Then, his eyes glanced over at stoical Emeka, the bully, as he was secretly and resentfully nicknamed. Tall and masculine like a married man, more like a father. His face was all swollen. Congealed blood was caked all over his body; it was on his mouth, nose, his stubbly cheeks, arms, thigh and foot. His yellow big boy T- shirt was torn in several places and his pockets were turned inside out. The five foot Nine inches (5.9ft) tall boy – young man – looked shorter in his bounds and the way he sat.

Tunde’s face was concealed by Emeka’s legs as he lay in a horizontal awkward pose and John guessed what it looked like with the severe beating he had received, coupled with the fact that he had a volcanic temper John believed it would have been much. His school uniform now looked like something soaked in blood. “Was he still alive?” John wondered as he could barely see his chest heave.

His wandering eyes came to rest on two J.S.S 3 students; Born-again Shola, who was lying prostrate and the other…he didn’t know her name… “Yes! I remember. Bisi! Bisi was her name yes, she is the one! The one that had had a crush, earlier in the term, on Okbe. Yes! Yes!, and she was also the same girl that came to school every week with a life-size huggable teddy bear until the principal seized it one day and tore the teddy bear to shreds. She was still maturing, exactly the height and age usual of children in that class. She will turn into a damsel soon” were all John’s thought. He looked at Shola again and said quietly to himself “After all Amano, his father wouldn’t complain.”

Chinwe, by the wall opposite John’s, stirred and his eyes wandered to her direction. He stared at the seventeen years old, SS3 student, who didn’t look seventeen, more like nineteen or twenty. Her beautiful face was now swollen and her hair disheveled. He looked her over again and his eyes nestled on her full, firm and provocative breasts. He knew the men would have toyed with them during the beating and would’ve done the same to those of her neighbour, the self-conscious adolescent girl, Sandra, who was one year younger in age and in class and whose face was now all swollen and bloody.

His eyes passed on to Matthew, Matthew Igbo as he was fondly called and he chuckled as he remembered Matthew’s last words ever since they were captured ‘person no go talk again’. The plump, short S. S. 2 boy had since then retreated into his shell. His pimples dotted face looked like a smashed pie, sprinkled with blood.

Next was Issah Hayatu, an SS 2 science student, who had eyes that had been blackened around the edges by blows, and lips that were swollen beyond recognition and smeared with blood just like those of his two classmates, Dare (who was renowned as having only two exercise books, as his whole educational material, which he always stuck in the back pocket of his uniform’s pair of trousers. No bag, no text books, nothing more, just two exercise books) and Kemi. Kemi, who was Tunde’s girlfriend, also had in addition, cane markings on her tender angel-like skin.

Chapter One (part 2)

Lying at the corner of the adjoining wall by the right, was fair skinned Okbe. His slightly curved legs, which were the fastest in the school, looked broken and there was an ugly gash by his temple, buzzing with flies. The 3 junior students sitting beside him and close to the door looked whole. Only dried up tears, lining their cheeks indicted that they had also been beaten mercilessly by the men.

Obi, a boy with a slightly stout physique, Obi the smart, Obi the ill-luck was next and his eyes rested on him, It was believed that he had an ill-luck and so far it seemed true, through his parted split lips one could see that one incisor was off. This was as a result of a kick he had received on the mouth. It had been more than 6 hours ago that they had been beaten mercilessly yet blood was still dripping slowly from his mouth. And his lovely pocket dictionary and Canon Camera in particular which had put them into this trouble were no more with him.

John’s eyes passed on Obi’s classmate, talkative Ifeanyi, alias ete which in Yoruba meant big lips. He had such enormous lips…Tolu,…the two Topes- Tope Adehoya the glutton and Tope Martins-,…then the peacemaker in the bus,… the little girl that had told them stories of her Father’s soldierly exploits…and four other J.S.S 1 students who were all in School uniforms that now looked bloody and dirty. He turned his body to have a better look at them for most of them were on his side of the wall and he felt a pain. Then his eyes settled on himself and he thought of how he, particularly his face looked with all the beating he had also received. His body had only few cuts and bruises but the pain he felt inside his head was much. He tried to soothe the pain he felt in his nose with his hand and remembered that his hands, like those of every other student here, were still tied behind him. He couldn’t even feel them, as the thinly copper wires used, had bitten deep into his skin and had greatly reduced the flow of blood to them.

“Am I going to die, at nineteen?” He asked loudly. Then quiet silently he continued “When I’m just beginning to enjoy life… Well! I deserve it. When all my mates in other schools are busy candling and jacking their books in preparation for the forthcoming Senior School Certificate Exam, I decided to go on a stupid excursion that is now bringing me to death.“…and to die so young, so fresh, so unfulfilled. To be murdered by these crazy unthinking men without achieving my ambition of becoming the President of my country one day, without seeing my Mom, Pop, Brothers or Sisters, without seeing Obiageli…Oh Oby! Oby, the love of my life look at what has happened now. Look at the end of our relationship. Look at the result of denying ourselves the fun, we promised each other, which is only going to leave a vacuum in your heart. I can’t touch your beautiful face again. I can’t see your unselfish smile again or hear again your mellifluous voice or romance you with the intimacy only the two of us are privy to.

“Yes Oby…yes Oby! I’m going to be killed, to die in Bauchi State, far away from Lagos State where you’re. I will be buried but my killers wouldn’t be found out. Oh – oh Oby… But wait I think I can still escape. The window!, No it is locked. You see, this is the last place I would ever practice and sharpen my leadership skills. The last place I would ever see. The last time I would ever talk to you…No I have to survive, for Obiageli’s sake, for the sake of Nigeria, for my family’s sake…But how? How can I survive when I brought myself this problem?, No. I ’m not the one, is it evil to go on a School excursion? No! Then who brought this problem, this death, this predicament that the thirty one of us are facing right now?”

He closed his eyes and then his mind traveled back in time, in the bid to find out who brought it, how, what went wrong and where.

* * *

It had all started in Lagos State – Orile Iganmu, to be precise – in a government owned Secondary School, very close to my house. It was a Monday morning, first term, and the Students in their crisp clean yellow and green stripped uniforms were all lined up for assembly according to their classes. After the usual songs, prayers and Anthems, led by the delectable Science Teacher, Miss Peche Ado, who never tired of preaching against students’ vice-especially their fighting and abusing habits whenever she got the chance, The school principal, Mr. Rence Dagunro, a short- fat, jovial yet serious man with grey hair and a moustache, Who was wearing a native wear, - instead of his usual corporate wear – a yellow Agbada embroidered with purple threads around the neck and edges, mounted the podium. He cleared his throat and greeted,
“Good morning students”
“Good morning, Sir,” Chorused the students
“I hope you had a jolly weekend. If you didn’t I did.” He laughed, then continued shortly “Without wasting more time or repeating what our delectable Miss Ado has said… Heiyh! Heiyh! You there, No! That diminutive-thing-of-a-boy there, besides that girl in beret,” shouted the Principal pointing. “Yes! You come up here. Next time when I’m talking you’ld learn to keep quiet”. The culprit when up to the Podium and some fiery strokes were meted out to his palms before he knelt to await more punishment. “As I was saying, you know the school is preparing for her annual excursion…, ”
“Y-e-e-e-a-h!” exclaimed the students in pure joy and excitement. Everyone began to whisper something to the person closest to him/her. It took some time before the principal quietened them once more. He continued, “…As many of you know it is an annual event. Last year, the school went to…” he left the other parts of his sentence inside him throat, for the students to fill in the blank “Iresam foods Company, Ibadan”, they filled in.
“Manufacturers of your favourite …, ”
“Sugarcane fruit drink and sugar cube.”
“Good! Two years ago we visited the famous National arts theatre, and National stadium but this year we’re going to visit the Yankarry game reserve, at Alkalahari, a town in Bauchi State.
“Yeaaaaah!” yelled the Students once more.
“We’re going to spend just 3 days there and this time the excursion is partly sponsored by the Lagos State government. If you wish to go you’ll have to pay a hundred Naira each. This is for lodging and refreshment. Start paying to your respective class teachers as from Tomorrow.” A seconds pause, then “any questions?”
A boy raised his hands up “When are we going sir?”
“Before the end of the term, that is, after your Exams – Approximately eight weeks from now.”
“And when sir! Is the closing date for payment?” continued the boy.

Yes, the first 2 chapters are very good. You remind me much of the thick African way of writing . Much like Chinua Achebe and co. who had a lot of flesh in their books which is very good unlike the fast forward style of some today (including me). It's very enjoyable so far, so I guess it ticks all the boxes. Kudos.

@maedan

Wow! I am flattered. it was actually with much timidity that I came out here to post the contents. (I hear that NLers could be so brutal and satirical atimes).

Thanks for the glowing comments. I plan to add more chapters for more appraisal.

maybe I will give you a free copy when it finally hit the shelfs.

internetpo:

CHAPTER ONE (part 1)

A guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning!  His golden drops caressed them, giving Life to the living [/b]things and Death to the dead things, giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the [b]Night to sleep [b]to make way for [/b]for the Day’s turn in watching the world and the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky.

As you can see, I have only read and worked on the first paragraph. One of the most important things for a writer to know is something called "parallelism". For example, you cannot write, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things. You write , giving Life to the living things and Death to the dead things. Your use of capitalisation and everything in corresponding clauses in a sentence should be properly coordinated. And you must be consistent. Thus, if Night is capital, Day must be. Yet get my point,
You sure have some potentials as a writer, but you can use some editing. I do it for a small fee. But, of course, you may know someone who does it already.

I agree with myjoe, needs a lot of editing. The beginning wasn't convincing, didn't make me want to read more

@internetpo,
I'd be honoured to get a copy . I honestly liked the chapters you posted, the vital way you described the scenes and its characters. I actually would look forward to a continuation. What matters is that your story has promise and that in itself is a rare and valuable thing. Keep it up.

@Myjoe and dumodust

Geee! Thanks! never knew! Let's just forget about the editing for now. I have an editor currrently working on it. Infact 2 editors (if my money can take it).

So can you read it with all the flaws. I want to know whether I did a good job and like maedan said whether it has much potentials.

by the way, myjoe: how much do you charge for editing a 139 paged work[MS word]. That's over 76,000 words.

Good write up!
I can only say a few things now after reading just the first chapter briefly. Modern novel needs a sense of immediacy and you have done just that, but not enough,

The most important thing when it comes to writing is that you must see all the critics as a means of improving oneself rather not as a discouragement.

You did do a good job for this write up and I will urge you to write up. The book has the potential of being the best sellers, but you do not make use of the materials you have. Below are my suggestions for improving this.

What is the size of the room/class these students get consciousness in? What color? How many windows? Fan? Wall board? etc.You do not fully well described some of the important characters. Such as John, and others, we do not know the color of their eyes, the size of their bodies and the type of their hairs styles etc.

And there is lack of consistency in your writing. In one place you wrote Senior Secondary School 3, and other place you wrote SSS3 and another place you wrote S.S.S3

You should have at least include some good dialogue in the first chapter, I mean a dialogue between two people at least, not a soliloquy. Because that add more life to your work.

You have a very good starting point but you do not put us under much pressure, what is going to be the implication if the students later find out where they were? What will school authority do for them? What about their parents? And how long have them been unconsciousness?

Oops! Almost forgotten. You need to write and read like mad, you may go to www.writeyournovel.biz.ly for a very good product you need for improving.

internetpo:

@Myjoe and dumodust

So can you read it with all the flaws. I want to know whether I did a good job and like maedan said whether it has much potentials.

by the way, myjoe: how much do you charge for editing a 139 paged work[MS word]. That's over 76,000 words.

The presence of too many flaws will discourage a lot of people from reading. Reading text that does not flow is like driving on a pothole filled road. Since the public has too much to read it is always advisable to edit your work before presenting it to them. Yes, this  may have some potentials like Maedam says. It all depends on what you do after this. I expect that many of the points raised by cisse7575 will be addressed quickly as we go along, though I don't think many writers will bother with every one of them. What you have done so far is to create an immediacy that should make anyone want to read further. But like you have already been told, that is not enough. That is why what follows now is crucial.
I must say, though, that after reading the first paragraph I sat back to read an allegory - you know, something like George Orwell's Animal Farm or John Buyan's The Pilgrim's Progress - only to find the author had other things in mind! I would tone down that paragraph a little bit - maybe changing pronouns would be a good starting point. For me, the first paragraph does not work.
If you are interested in having me edit your work, you can send a mail to editors008@gmail.com for details. We will give you provisional charges. Charges are usually made after assessment to see how much work is required on a particular job.

@ cisse7575

""Modern novel needs a sense of immediacy and you have done just that, but not enough," not done enough? then you should have seen the first draft.

"You did do a good job for this write up and I will urge you to write up. The book has the potential of being the best sellers, but you do not make use of the materials you have. Below are my suggestions for improving this."
thanx I'm blushing already.

"What is the size of the room/class these students get consciousness in? What color? How many windows? Fan? Wall board? etc.You do not fully well described some of the important characters. Such as John, and others, we do not know the color of their eyes, the size of their bodies and the type of their hairs styles etc."

yes I knew. Thinking on working out something. here. The trick is I dont want to give too much information as to confuse the reader or aren't you confused already. I guess the only name you can remember after reading this Chapter is John. there are about 25 names in there. giving the descriptions of each will make the narration too stuffy. I did it latter down the book.


"And there is lack of consistency in your writing. In one place you wrote Senior Secondary School 3, and other place you wrote SSS3 and another place you wrote S.S.S3" great point


You should have at least include some good dialogue in the first chapter, I mean a dialogue between two people at least, not a soliloquy. Because that add more life to your work.
I disagree vehemently. like my baby that way. (smiles)

Visited your site (sure does need a good copy righter and web designer) and my be interested in ur package. thanks all the same for your general comments. I love them.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

@internetpo,hmmn,good work i must confess,wel wen i read the first chapeter i was a little bid confussed,and as i read further then understood vividly were u were driving to,wel i must say is a nice work u r'e putting in place,i would like 2 c more of ur chapters on this thread,i must also say u r'e a source of courage to younger writters like me,i must say u hve awaken me up 4 the chanllenges u face as a writter,i'm a writter that hve written various books but hve nt gottn that courage of showing casing my work 4 comment,but u have opened that door and gvn me the courage to do so 4 that i must commend u.keep on wit the book for its a bestseller already.

Hi Internetpo,

Having being awarded a Diploma in creative Writing by an Institution in England. I know much about criticism,

You are intending your work to go before as an audience as big as possible. If criticism is given you with care, consideration, accuracy and sympathy, then it can's hurt. You are talking about an object in the world, something you have created, and you are invested in; but it is still an object that can be criticized and improved.

You have to let people have their views on it. you can't let yourself become precious about your work and attempt to hide it faulty away or retrospectively defends its weakness.

When I talked about character development, I didn't say all the characters I said some of your characters, well, the ball is in your court, all what I talked about need a lot of considerations,

@ all posters

Thanx for all ur comments, everyone of them , Esp. @ cissse7575. Dont mind me if I sounded so defensive- erh! I had to be its my baby and i value her so much. . But I appreciate ur comments. MyJoe You'll hear from me soon as soon as my Table here is uncluttered. Maedan, turiano and all thanks her is the next installment, (roll the drumssssss)

(mind you this is still the continuation of Chapter one)

“And when sir! Is the closing date for payment?” continued the boy.
“Well! The closing date is…mmmh a week before the trip. Any more questions?”
Another hand arose this time, it belonged to one of the prefects “Excuse me sir, why are we visiting the game reserve this year?”
“To see and learn about Nature and the animals physically. Not textbookcally this time but physically. You learn more that way. There’re a lot of things we can learn from animals like their behaviour, physical characteristics, etc. For example; Do you know the Lion is not the biggest wild cat in the world? The biggest is the Tiger yet the Lion is king. The Zebra, you must’ve seen a picture of it in your textbooks, never lies down when sleeping or resting, i.e. when it sleeps or rest it stands. The African Elephant, Loxondonta Africana, is the biggest Land mammal, weighs about 5500kg, i.e. as heavy as a trailer lorry and is 9 to 12ft tall, i.e. as tall as any un-storeyed building you’ll see around you, from the tip of the arched roof to the ground.
“You see some, few of these facts can be found in your textbooks but practical is more educational than theoretical learning. This way you appreciate Nature better. Yes what’s your question?
A fat girl, (one of the 2 Topes in our adventure) climbed the podium and asked “can we take tibs, like biscuit, money, doughnut, cakes, sweets, meat pie, fish roll, bread and butter, sandwich, coco…”
“Heiyh! Enough. You that love food more than your life. You can take anything you like, in the aspect of food, provided it wouldn’t get sour early said he as Tope Adehoya, the Glutton, step down.
“Sir! Should we wear our school uniform to school on the D- day” asked Ifeanyi, the talkative and inquisitor “yes, you should. Do not come in mufti on the D- day, but you should bring along extra clothing and possibly a mat each. If you’ve any more questions you can channel it to me through your class teachers or better still, ask Mr. Lanre, HOD of science. Pay on time. How much did I say you should pay?

The students chorused the answer.
“Good. Now match into your various classes. No loitering, stay indoors,” Commanded the principal in a stern voice. They matched into their classes chatting excitedly about the forthcoming excursion. Those who could afford the fee, paid and waited anxiously for that eventful day to arrive but it was as if the days kept multiplying by twos and threes instead of reducing.

All over the school, people were talking about the excursion. Nobody was talking about forthcoming Exams; after all it was first term. Everywhere, in class and out of class, at recess, on the way home, in the streets and even in the toilets it was all about the forthcoming excursion. The whole Town was buzzing with the excursion fever.

15 days before the Ultimate.
Excursionphilia.
The best so far in the school.
Hurray! I’m an animal-maniac.


Were some of the words written by the students on the boards, and walls of almost all the classrooms and toilets. The enthusiasm was everywhere, displayed mostly by the junior students. Even for those that knew the reason for the excursion and those who didn’t.
Who cared? It was going to be 3 days of being free from mommy’s, daddy’s, brother’s and sister’s errands, chores and pestering. It wasn’t though the same for those who couldn’t afford the fee.

At last after what seemed like ages the D-day arrived, as early as 6.30 am, about 20% of the students going – most of them juniors – had arrived, although the four buses were scheduled to leave by 9. 00 am

At 8: 30 am, all the pupils were assembled and a roll call of those going on the excursion was taken. Five students were absent but two of the absentees had asked for one of their friends, who hadn’t paid to represent them of course these representatives came with proofs. As each name was being called, the student entered the bus carrying his/her baggage of clothes, food stuff and other belongings. When the first, second and third buses were full. They turned to the old, rusty-but-rugged school bus. The other buses, two of them popularly known as 1414 and a Lagos State government mass transit bus, were better looking. Welded patches of metal of different colours, blue, black, gray, adorned this and that part of the white bus. The painting of the bus had peeled in some quarters and the name of the school printed on the bus needed a little skill and keen eye sight to be deciphered. It’s windscreen were cracked pieces of glass, held together by bits of stickers luckily no crack was on the driver’s side of the windscreen. One of the wipers was a long piece of foam. The bonnet had a few dents here and there. The tyres were long worn out and better off than the spare ones that stood at the back of the bus. The door was opened and it dangled squeakily on one hinge. A boarding foot was placed on a step but the weight was too much for the rusty brown iron step that it caved in.

Finally when access was gained, the stench of the bus, the filthy narrow aisle, the dirty brown dusty piece of torn cushions that posed as chairs, the uncompromisingly rigid windows and the chewing gum bearing headrests made the crammed life of the bus unbearable – the students had contributed to these conditions by their abuse of the bus when it was in good working condition - but despite all these the head lights were whole the pedals in good working conditions and the engine strong enough to take the students through the journey. Besides the school was lucky enough to be the only Public School in the area with it’s own bus. A broom and a welder were hurriedly employed on the way and before they left Lagos they changed all the tyres.

By Nine fifteen (9:15) a.m the journey started and after a prayer and some piece of advice, the joyous students in the buses waved bye to some of their parents who had come to see them off and at some of the sad pupils who were not going for the excursion. Not that some of them could not pay or didn’t want to go but the problem was with their parents- Parents could sometimes really be pains in the ass. The other buses left before the school bus. Which coughed and coughed before it began to move and when it did it roared throughout the journey.

They finally reached the National Park after about nineteen hours of driving, which witnessed 2 stops, and lodged in the National game reserve lodge house 3. Seventeen of the twenty guest rooms were used. The students according to their sexes, and classes were sandwiched into them in groups of about 12 students per room. Seething with excitement the students could hardly wait for morning to come as they chatted well into the night until mother nature and the fatigue of the long journey tucked each one of them to sleep.

(mind you this is still the continuation of Chapter 1. Pardon all errors pls)

“And when sir! Is the closing date for payment?” continued the boy.
“Well! The closing date is…mmmh a week before the trip. Any more questions?”
Another hand arose this time, it belonged to one of the prefects “Excuse me sir, why are we visiting the game reserve this year?”
“To see and learn about Nature and the animals physically. Not textbookcally this time but physically. You learn more that way. There’re a lot of things we can learn from animals like their behaviour, physical characteristics, etc. For example; Do you know the Lion is not the biggest wild cat in the world? The biggest is the Tiger yet the Lion is king. The Zebra, you must’ve seen a picture of it in your textbooks, never lies down when sleeping or resting, i.e. when it sleeps or rest it stands. The African Elephant, Loxondonta Africana, is the biggest Land mammal, weighs about 5500kg, i.e. as heavy as a trailer lorry and is 9 to 12ft tall, i.e. as tall as any un-storeyed building you’ll see around you, from the tip of the arched roof to the ground.
“You see some, few of these facts can be found in your textbooks but practical is more educational than theoretical learning. This way you appreciate Nature better. Yes what’s your question?
A fat girl, (one of the 2 Topes in our adventure) climbed the podium and asked “can we take tibs, like biscuit, money, doughnut, cakes, sweets, meat pie, fish roll, bread and butter, sandwich, coco…”
“Heiyh! Enough. You that love food more than your life. You can take anything you like, in the aspect of food, provided it wouldn’t get sour early said he as Tope Adehoya, the Glutton, step down.
“Sir! Should we wear our school uniform to school on the D- day” asked Ifeanyi, the talkative and inquisitor “yes, you should. Do not come in mufti on the D- day, but you should bring along extra clothing and possibly a mat each. If you’ve any more questions you can channel it to me through your class teachers or better still, ask Mr. Lanre, HOD of science. Pay on time. How much did I say you should pay?

The students chorused the answer.
“Good. Now match into your various classes. No loitering, stay indoors,” Commanded the principal in a stern voice. They matched into their classes chatting excitedly about the forthcoming excursion. Those who could afford the fee, paid and waited anxiously for that eventful day to arrive but it was as if the days kept multiplying by twos and threes instead of reducing.

All over the school, people were talking about the excursion. Nobody was talking about forthcoming Exams; after all it was first term. Everywhere, in class and out of class, at recess, on the way home, in the streets and even in the toilets it was all about the forthcoming excursion. The whole Town was buzzing with the excursion fever.

15 days before the Ultimate.
Excursionphilia.
The best so far in the school.
Hurray! I’m an animal-maniac.

Were some of the words written by the students on the boards, and walls of almost all the classrooms and toilets. The enthusiasm was everywhere, displayed mostly by the junior students. Even for those that knew the reason for the excursion and those who didn’t.
Who cared? It was going to be 3 days of being free from mommy’s, daddy’s, brother’s and sister’s errands, chores and pestering. It wasn’t though the same for those who couldn’t afford the fee.

At last after what seemed like ages the D-day arrived, as early as 6.30 am, about 20% of the students going – most of them juniors – had arrived, although the four buses were scheduled to leave by 9. 00 am

At 8: 30 am, all the pupils were assembled and a roll call of those going on the excursion was taken. Five students were absent but two of the absentees had asked for one of their friends, who hadn’t paid to represent them of course these representatives came with proofs. As each name was being called, the student entered the bus carrying his/her baggage of clothes, food stuff and other belongings. When the first, second and third buses were full. They turned to the old, rusty-but-rugged school bus. The other buses, two of them popularly known as 1414 and a Lagos State government mass transit bus, were better looking. Welded patches of metal of different colours, blue, black, gray, adorned this and that part of the white bus. The painting of the bus had peeled in some quarters and the name of the school printed on the bus needed a little skill and keen eye sight to be deciphered. It’s windscreen were cracked pieces of glass, held together by bits of stickers luckily no crack was on the driver’s side of the windscreen. One of the wipers was a long piece of foam. The bonnet had a few dents here and there. The tyres were long worn out and better off than the spare ones that stood at the back of the bus. The door was opened and it dangled squeakily on one hinge. A boarding foot was placed on a step but the weight was too much for the rusty brown iron step that it caved in.

Finally when access was gained, the stench of the bus, the filthy narrow aisle, the dirty brown dusty piece of torn cushions that posed as chairs, the uncompromisingly rigid windows and the chewing gum bearing headrests made the crammed life of the bus unbearable – the students had contributed to these conditions by their abuse of the bus when it was in good working condition - but despite all these the head lights were whole the pedals in good working conditions and the engine strong enough to take the students through the journey. Besides the school was lucky enough to be the only Public School in the area with it’s own bus. A broom and a welder were hurriedly employed on the way and before they left Lagos they changed all the tyres.

By Nine fifteen (9:15) a.m the journey started and after a prayer and some piece of advice, the joyous students in the buses waved bye to some of their parents who had come to see them off and at some of the sad pupils who were not going for the excursion. Not that some of them could not pay or didn’t want to go but the problem was with their parents- Parents could sometimes really be pains in the ass. The other buses left before the school bus. Which coughed and coughed before it began to move and when it did it roared throughout the journey.

They finally reached the National Park after about nineteen hours of driving, which witnessed 2 stops, and lodged in the National game reserve lodge house 3. Seventeen of the twenty guest rooms were used. The students according to their sexes, and classes were sandwiched into them in groups of about 12 students per room. Seething with excitement the students could hardly wait for morning to come as they chatted well into the night until mother nature and the fatigue of the long journey tucked each one of them to sleep.

(more more)

The next day, by 9: 00am after their bath and a breakfast prepared by the staff of the game reserve, they filed out in their uniforms and entered the buses. The school bus which capacity should’ve been forty- four students, (six students less than the normal full capacity of the bus) was twenty- eight today, as the other occupants had ran to the other buses. The excursion cum exploration began, the three other vehicles left without any hitch, but not the school bus. There was a big hitched which if not for divine providence would have cancelled their expedition.

Every body, including the parkranger who would be their guide, Miss Peche Ado the teacher and all the students were already inside the bus and waiting for the driver. He came on board and after cracking his fingers, switched the engine on but it kicked and suddenly stopped. The driver did same again and it happened once more. It happened a third and a fourth time. The driver angrily climbed down, walked to the front of the bus, cursing. He opened the bonnet. And wow! The smoke and pungent odour that came out of it filled the whole place.

After some minutes of putting this there and that here, checking these and those and tightening this and that, he closed it and went back to his position. He switched on the engine. It kicked to life and suddenly went dead. The driver switched, it kicked and died. It happened again and the young, tall and attractive park ranger, their guide, in a brown khaki shirt that had a badge/ logo of the national park and green khaki pair of trousers shouted impatient, at no one in particular, “If this vehicle doesn’t start this minute, I’m leaving.”

“Please be patient with us” said Miss Peche Ado, in her rarely used mellifluous voice and the guide, who had stood up as he shouted, slowly sat down in his seat, wondering whether the woman that had just spoken to him now and the one that had greeted him when he entered the bus were different people. He looked at her; looked at the slim brown legs extending from beneath the tight figure hugging black skirt, at her slim waistline, at her hands folded beneath her shapely bosom which he observed despite her white blouse and her beautiful face framed by her shiny flowing black hair. -She was totally unaware of his scrutiny- The vehicle finally kicked to life, never dieing and he was shaken back into consciousness and He concluded that she was the same one. The exploration commenced; they rode on the dusty roads of the savanna of the National Game reserve under the direction of the guide.

“Can you see those animals over there?” The guide asked.
“Yes!” They chorused.
“Well! What are they called?”
“Giraffes,” they responded
“And what are they doing?”
“They are eating”
“Driver, I want you to leave the road and move to those giraffes but don’t drive straight at them or too close to them, otherwise they would run.” The driver didi as he was told and then he continued

“…Now who can tell me one or two important features or characteristics of giraffes?” As the question was being answered, a boy; Ifeanyi called his friends together and said
“Let me tell you of a story, my great, great grandfather, told my grandfather and my grandfather told my father and my father told me. It is a story about a giraffes. Story! Story!!”
“Story!!!” the three friends replied.
“Once upon a time”
“Time! Time!!”
“Nmmm! There was a time when a ……, ” He was interrupted by one of his friends.
“What’s the title of the story?”
“Ok! The title of my story is why the giraffe has a very, very long neck. There was once a day when the ancestor - sorry the title of my story is, the reason why giraffe has a very long neck and legs. In the olden days, all the animal could talk and ask Chukwu anything they wanted. They visited God regularly. There was once a day when the ancestor of the giraffes, that is, the first giraffe in the world, was walking along the bank of a river, looking sadly at his reflection in the water. He was sad because he was almost the same with other animals; that is he had eyes and they had eyes, he had nose and they had Noses, etcetera, etcetera. But he wanted to be unique to be the king of the animals; to be different from them.

“So he went to God and told him of his sorrowful plight. He wanted to be different from others but this was his fifth visit to God, for he had visited Chukwu, before complaining that he didn’t like his plain yellow body. He wanted to have spots like the Tiger….”
“Tigers don’t have spots but stripes…” corrected another of his friend, infact his best friend, Paulinus, Who was reputed as the most mischievous boy in school.
“Oh! Ok his spots were different sha! In the second visit he had asked God to give him a voice that would be sweeter than that of any animal, even the birds. He asked God to command a special type of grass…“
“God or Chukwu?”
“Don’t interrupt him”
“…to grow for only him to be eating in the third and a handsome face, handsomer than man’s was what he asked for in his fourth visit. God granted him all these requests. So he went to Chukwu for the fifth time and asked him to make his front legs like that of man. So God decided to teach him a lesson for him to learn, how to like himself. God set a pot with bitter leaf soup for him to eat but the pot had a small opening…”
“What are the three of you doing there?” asked the guide, the park ranger, “come and see what’s about to happen” concluded he before taking his eyes off the three friends unto Miss Ado, who was looking smilingly at him and then to a Lioness, which was slowly crouching on the ground towards a young innocent fawn with various degrees of white spots dotting it’s brownish back. Everybody watched excitedly. When the Lioness was about fifteen metres from the fawn which was peering inquisitively at her as she approached, everyone in the bus, excluding the driver, the guide and Miss Ado, started shouting excitedly at the fawn, for it to make good it’s escape.

But they were not near enough and the innocent young fawn wasn’t yet aware of the fact that Lionesses were dangerous, besides this was the first time it was seeing one. The hind was not around, if she were there, she would have run away and the fawn with her. The innocent young and inquisitive fawn made an attempt to get closer to the Lioness by taking some steps towards it. By this time the children in the bus were shouting at the top of their voices to the fawn which suddenly cocked up it’s little ears, raised his head up and turned it towards their direction. Suddenly the Lioness sprang but luckily the fawn saw her sidestepped, leaped and ran. The lioness chased but showing amazing speed the fawn evaded her dodging, changing directions suddenly, turning and jumping out of danger. He was too fast for the lioness, dodging, running sideways, turning and jumping out of danger into the safety of the other gazelles that had suddenly appeared. Everyone except the guide opened his/her mouth in awesome wonder, who could think that a young fawn like that could outdo a Lioness.

“Did you see that?” asked the guide
“Yes” the students chorused
“Good! Did you notice that the Lioness stopped after about 189 metres?”
“Yes! She did”
“Good! It’s because Lions, whether male or female get tired quickly after a little running, that’s why most of their hunts ends in failure. Male Lions don’t hunt. I hope you know?” After receiving a negative for an answer he continued “Female lions are the ones that do the hunting. They hunt bring the food home and the male will eat before them. If the food is enough to go round then the whole pride at the command of the male eats together. Their hunting success is poor. Two Lionesses hunting together will have a success rate of thirty percent (30%), one Lioness like this one will have 17% success and they hunt mostly in the evening” explained he beaming with pride at Miss Ado.
“Is that why, they attack humans? That is there low rate of hunting success?” asked John
“No! Most animals even wild ones have a natural fear for man. They’re always afraid of him and it is that fear that sometimes, in rare cases when they are attacked and can find no other escape route, make them to attack man,” said miss Ado returning the guide’s beam. His, faded fast, fast. He was surprised again this time at her knowledge.
“I am their integrated Science Teacher” commented Miss Ado, still beaming mocking at him.
“Oh! Good! Good!!” he exclaimed, his confusion and surprise disappearing and being replaced by embarrassment.

want more? Pls comment on the book's blog here (www.siscocom.com/books). That way I will have your e-mails and will send you the full installment of the book. the entire draft to your e-mail.
Let me see whether I can do that over the weekend?

have a Smashing day!


, "Just a few metres and we are there. I can even smell the foodstuffs' odour" said John encouraging his colleagues. But suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks and his colleagues did same too. For at that moment that wasn't the only thing they could now see or smell. They could clearly and unmistakably smell and see a Lion approaching them with gentle strides and an intense piercing stare. It walked slowly towards the four students, who stood paralyzed, unmoving. It’s hypnotic, piercing eyes not for once leaving the Students. It was a very uncommon looking Lion, Tall -taller than 1.2 metres maximum height of lions- which was very unusual. Its tawny mane hair flowed smoothly, matching its brown coat and encasing a plump muscular body. It walked with a kingly gait and its shoulder bones moved up and down majestically with each regale step he took.

Infact he was the king of the Lions and that of the whole Savannah. The strongest and oldest male Lion among the prides, whom the Parkrangers fondly called King Joe. A highly sorth-after commodity. A priced jewel. Who rarely made an appearance, especially in the day. But today he was out. Hunting or patrolling? Who knows? And guess who he met as prey or intruders…Yes! Your guess is right. He walked past the pick up Truck without even as much as a glance and sat on it's hind, starring inquisitively at the dumb-founded, confounded and frightened Students, who stood paralyzed about eight metres from him. At moments like this one tends to forget any itch or hunger he or she has and so did the four boys, their mouths turned dry and their face took on a palor.

"Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" ejaculated John scarred stiff and trying to breathe normally. His heart pounding heavily and loudly, particularly in his ears. He felt fear, nay raw terror rise from the pit of his stomach, up to his head and down to his legs.
Who wouldn't? Try starring at a lion; at the piercing steady eyes of a Lion that's as tall as a donkey or Horse. Imagine a 600 pounds beast, 600 pounds of wild fighting fury encased in that body, its speed and the distance you'll have to cover for safety. See those sharp canine teeth and claws and for you to realize at that instant that there is no barrier between you and the Lion. Imagine this, no cage, no Fence, no long distance, deep gulf or sea of people. Just plain grass, few trees and savannah land, and you'll know how John and his friends felt.

Confused and scared but regaining control of some of his senses. John gave an order he himself could have carried out. "Issah, shoot your gun" Almost in a whisper.
Issah hesitated, then moved his hands and the Lion's eyes became intent on him. He pointed the gun unto the sky and fired. But the Lion didn't seem startled. He didn't run at the sound of the gunshot, didn't even blink his eyes. Other animals would have fled at the sound of a gunshot. Emeka and Tunde, having gained back a little composure and control of their senses, felt the right things to do now was to flee. Turning their heads back at the Bus they took two quick strides.
"Don't run!" screamed John and they stopped dead in their tracks and turned round slowly. But King Joe had disagreed with their retreat, so he stood up, gave a snarling deep throated roar and took some steps forward at the same time…
"This Lion doesn't seem frightened. Then we'ld have to kill it before it kills us, because we cant make it to the Bus on time before he catches up with us. We’ll have to kill it first" reasoned John up in his head, as the others looked at him eagerly, his present slight calmness giving them hope.
"John, what do we do?" asked Tunde turning his head slightly backwards, towards the direction of the Bus again.
"Shoot the Lion," whispered John.
“What?"
John Thought Tunde's exclamation was that of surprise but it was a question for Tunde hardly heard what John was saying.
"Yes. If we don't shoot him, he would eat us" explained John still in an inaudible whisper. “Shoot the lion!" shouted John. Pointing his gun at the animal and pulling the trigger. The others did the same. But their guns went

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

**Subscribing to the idea for emailing entire draft-----**


I just love interesting secondary school stories!! This is one with a twist and lots of fun. You're good, I have to give you that. I'm not a professional editor so I can't say much about any errors/typos, but all in all you have the skill and that for one is the basic. Well done.

Goo job. I love books with humour an i like the way you describe your characters.

I will however like to say something about your opening lines, as i couldnt read it longer than the first ten lines.
You kind of repeated your words that it became uninteresting to read.
WTF is this?:

A guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning! As his golden drops caressed them, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things: giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the night to sleep, for the Day’s turn in watching the world in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky

After categorizing dead and live things, you still categorized animals and plants, then the sun bidding nocturnal things goodnight? Dnt plant and animal and nocturnals all living? why sub-categorize again?

2. I dont know why you would inject so many names in the beginning of a book as you make your reader struggle to remember each of them and their description as they read on. introduce characters, one by one as you write after ensuring that you have enshrined the previous ones in the mind of your reader.

3. Except all those students have a specific story in your novel, they are way TOO MUCH! The less the characters the better or you and the more you can create powerful personalities with your characters than scattering different personalities in different characters! (You may have to re-read this statement to understand).

4. You leave nothing to the imagination! Everything is just put out and described. Enchant your readers my dear.

5. Invest in a good beginning. If you lose your readers there, you have lost them totally!

All the same, good prospect.

"A guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning! As his golden drops caressed them, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things: giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the night to sleep, for the Day’s turn in watching the world

in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky.

[s][/s]

Im sorry, couldnt get past this paragraph. You see, you have a good story idea but you're killing it with rising, talking suns that cajole night, what im saying is that (1)you have to be careful with personalization. The sun cannot greet so lets leave poetry for the poets alright, and just leave the orb to rise and shine. (2)Be careful with languidlys, merrilys and hastilys, get the message? they strangle your writing and take one out of the world you are trying to create. (3) Now i dont know how much you used cliches or if you indeed used them, but BEWARE. Another killer ", like a lamb to the slaughter,, born with a golden spoon", etc.
This is not to discourage you or be a wet blanket (cliche), however, I like to read good stuff and hope that emerging writers like you will take note of the pitfalls and step nicely.
NB
I happen to be a writer/editor.

---

All the best.

Re: Need Endorsement For My Next Book, Pls(here's The First 2 Chapters).
« #26 on: October 24, 2009, 11:56 AM »

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Goo job. I love books with humour an i like the way you describe your characters.

I will however like to say something about your opening lines, as i couldnt read it longer than the first ten lines.
You kind of repeated your words that it became uninteresting to read.
WTF is this?:

A guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning! As his golden drops caressed them, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things: giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the night to sleep, for the Day’s turn in watching the world in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky

After categorizing dead and live things, you still categorized animals and plants, then the sun bidding nocturnal things goodnight? Dnt plant and animal and nocturnals all living? why sub-categorize again?

2. I dont know why you would inject so many names in the beginning of a book as you make your reader struggle to remember each of them and their description as they read on. introduce characters, one by one as you write after ensuring that you have enshrined the previous ones in the mind of your reader.

3. Except all those students have a specific story in your novel, they are way TOO MUCH! The less the characters the better or you and the more you can create powerful personalities with your characters than scattering different personalities in different characters! (You may have to re-read this statement to understand).

4. You leave nothing to the imagination! Everything is just put out and described. Enchant your readers my dear.

5. Invest in a good beginning. If you lose your readers there, you have lost them totally!

Like I said, I couldnt read past the first paragraph. @ Nezed. Good quality observations + advice. Way to go.

Yep! I am ready for you guys. I have come with all my arsenal fully loaded. A shot gun and 360 pounds of ammunition and I will make you cringe for the fact that you said something bad abt my work. here i shoot! first to go, 

@cisse7575

Modern novel needs a sense of immediacy and you have done just that, but not enough,

I was just re-reading your comments and I am wondering whether I understood you the first time. do you mean that I still need to add more immediacy to the work or that the immediacy is enough but i still need to add other things like correct use of word, grammar, dialogue and more, right?

When I talked about character development, I didn't say all the characters I said some of your characters, well, the ball is in your court, all what I talked about need a lot of considerations,

if I asked you to take a short at it how will you develop the characters or better still. Assume you are the author and give us a sample of how you'll develop the main character, John for instance. His the assistant head boy of the sch.



@ Nezed

a guinea fowl crowed in the distance, waking the sun up from his slumber. He rose languidly from his bed in the horizon, exploding a brilliant sunshine and greeting everything in the Savanna Good Morning!  As his golden drops caressed them, giving life to the Living things and Death to the dead things: giving life to the day animals and plants and bidding the nocturnals good night. He cajoled the night to sleep, for the Day’s turn in watching the world in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky, , After categorizing dead and live things, you still categorized animals and plants, then the sun bidding nocturnal things goodnight? Dnt plant and animal and nocturnals all living? why sub-categorize again?

great point. Actually what I was trying to do there was to expand on the concept of the sun's rise. I wanted to give the readers more imagery abt the scene of the sun's rise.

I dont know why you would inject so many names in the beginning of a book as you make your reader struggle to remember each of them and their description as they read on. introduce characters, one by one as you write after ensuring that you have enshrined the previous ones in the mind of your reader.

  spot on. That's waht I actually did but some readers, e.eg @cisse7575 are insisting. I give them all the descriptions of the characters, well! i'll take it to be an opinion sha!

Except all those students have a specific story in your novel, they are way TOO MUCH! The less the characters the better or you and the more you can create powerful personalities with your characters than scattering different personalities in different characters!

- they do, all 31 of them.

You leave nothing to the imagination! Everything is just put out and described. Enchant your readers my dear.

  - how baby how?

Invest in  a good beginning. If you lose your readers there, you have lost them totally!

- Sincerely did I lose you. Aren't you interested in the story and want other installments? hmn! may be u dont like sec. Sch stories that much. may be you didn't read the whole installmetns. try and read the 4 excerpts I out here before giving another reply.

@krazzee Quote

in watching the deeds of men, animals and plants, even the deed of the dead as he took his seat comfortably in the sky.
[s][/s]

- dont you know that the dead walk at night, could be summoned on errands, talk to loved ones,etc. That's what I meant here. (needed to infuse a little of our African beliefs and superstitions)

(1)you have to be careful with personalization. The sun cannot greet so lets leave poetry for the poets alright, and just leave the orb to rise and shine.

-nope actually that's my style of writing. poetry in prose form, is what I call it. something like that sha!

(2)Be careful with languidlys, merrilys and hastilys, get the message? they strangle your writing and take one out of the world you are trying to create.-

gocha!

(3) Now i dont know how much you used cliches or if you indeed used them, but BEWARE. Another killer ", like a lamb to the slaughter,, born with a golden spoon", etc

.- I stay away from them as much as I can. they taste like chloroquine to me.

Like I said, I couldnt read past the first paragraph.

- Geee!


@ all posters
thanx all the same. love ur comments and reviews. I love them all. Need more. see me here www.siscocom.com/books

@internetpo,
I had a good laff with your comments on my points!

1. Fine, you wanted to expand concept and explore imagery, right? Good, i didnt say you shouldnt have done that, i said the sub categorizing didnt work and i guess other reviewers said same.

2. All 31 students are main characters in your novel? Boy, am so in awe of your concept (Thats not a compliment BTW). You will be the first authour with that much character. Even the harry potter's series didnt have that much.

3. You failed to make me wonder where all these was going. I was simply not drawn to read further and struggled to read it all.

4. I will try to read all four, but definitely not today.

Finally, all these are not to pull you down, just to help each other be better in doing what we enjoy doing----writing!
Ciao.