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This question was asked on Twitter moments ago;
"As a graduate, would you accept a job of N900,000 monthly as a Gateman?"
Here were the crazy and hilarious responses that followed....... Nigerians, I hail thee
1. I would have said NO but my hobbies include opening and closing of gate...
2. Why I con go school na, if not to be a young smart gateman? My dream job, we're all gatemen in our family.
3. See you, gateman that am doing free of charge most days these days..... Izz like u want me to resume on credit already, abi?
4. I would even work seven days a week and twice on Sundays.... I go even train my pikin to take over from me.
5. I can be the gateman, the dog, the security lights and the alarm
6 After taking the job, I would pick up a form to do my masters and PhD in Opening gate and security science to be a better gateman
7. I started opening gate when I was 6 months old, so I hv too much experience plsss. Where can I apply?
8. Is it not just to open and close gate? Call me your GM.. Boss of the gate.. Commander in chief of the gate forces. When do I start?
9. Some are gatemen, some are Senior Access Controllers.. I'd even combine the two together.
10. Me that i will use my certificate to be fanning myself beside the gate when am feeling heat.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

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Hahahaahhahahahaha haha haha, Someone posted a joke in another thread but I'm not in good terms with the person so I came here to laugh.

"Accounting is the only Profession practised on earth and in heaven" "Account for all ur actions on earth and account for same in heaven". Now look at this BALANCE SHEET Of LIFE

Birth is your
Opening Stock.

What comes to you
is
Credit.

What goes from you
is
Debit.

Your ideas are your
Assets.

Your bad habits are
your
Liabilities.

Your character is
your
Capital

Your happiness is
your
Profit.

Your sorrow is your
Loss.

Your knowledge is
your
Investment

Your age is your
Depreciation.

Death is your
Closing Stock.

And finally :
GOD IS YOUR AUDITOR
.
Always endeavor to have a perfect Balance Sheet because your AUDITOR will come back sooner than later. Share with all and Keep your books correctly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc4SzauJ5E4

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When you are forced to marry the lady you deflowered

.

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I can't laugh alone please

See a recent application letter from an applicant.

No.3 ekpetu street
P. O. Box 172,
Ijora, Lagos,
Nigeria.
9th May, 2017.
Dear Sir,

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
I refer to the recent death of the Accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead Accountant.

Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so I quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying.

Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his obituary photograph as proof of vacancy.

You can't lie to me this time. GIVE ME THE JOB!

Thank you.
Yours faithfully,
OkikiOsibodu
#copied

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Ibadan girls be like
Am walking in power
Am walking in oracle
I leaf in rice of flavour
I know umuahia

The problems of Nigeria with English speaking...
British: Extreme
American : End
Nigerian : Extreme end
British: Knicker
American: Short
Nigerian: Short knicker
British : Salon
American : Barbershop
Nigerian: Barbing salon
British: Bend
American: corner
Nigerian: Bend corner
British: so,
American: Therefore
Nigerian: So therefore,
British: Ten Pounds each
American: Ten Dollars each
Nigerian: Ten Ten naira.
You see where our problem started?
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Nobody should shout on me o. ...I have headache in my stomac

BREAKING: Zimbabwean forces hand back power to Mugabe.

Televised live on international media few minutes ago, the army chief in a colourful ceremony, handed back Mugabe his power bank and usb cable (small pin) which he had forgotten in statehouse.
Sources: YOU!

These were kidnapped from one of Dramadiddys threads

When you enter Heaven's gate and angels start hailing u "bad badoo baddest"
Just be jogging to hell...

You have been single from January to November and as we enter in December you found love. Bro do not accept, the devil wants to play with your little savings ... Concentrate!

Am done with NIGERIAN
Movies! How can a native
Doctor say that the charm will work by
GOD'S GRACE

Age 7: I want to be a doctor
Age 16: Mum look! All A's
Age 20: Medicine is hard
Age 35: Make some noise for DJ Okikiosibodu

I intentionally put my grandma's phone on silent, I told her to bring money to buy ringtone that her ringtone has finished

He knows when your periods ends.but he doesn't know your birthday.�‍my sister,,,is your boyfriend a medical doctor

Yoruba actors in a yoruba movie be like "Olaniyi the man you killed is dead

I was invited to a wedding reception. When I reached the hotel, I found two doors with these inscriptions written on them:
1. bride relatives
2. Groom relatives
I entered the one written bride relatives and found another two more doors written:
1. Ladies
2. Men
I went in through the one specifying my gender, only to find two more doors again with:
1. people with gifts
2. people without gift
I went through the one written "people without gifts" and found myself outside the hotel through the back door.
At the exit it was written:
"So in this time of recession you want to just come, eat and drink without any gift? No Way!

ELEVEN POWERFUL LESSONS TO LEARN FROM THE HEN BY MADE OF SAND
1. She first lays enough eggs before sitting on them
*- GOOD PLANNING.*
2. When she starts sitting on her eggs, she minimizes movements
*- DISCIPLINE.*
3. She physically loses weight while sitting on her eggs due to decreased feeding
*- SACRIFICE AND SELF DENIAL.*
4. She can sit on eggs for another hen *- INDISCRIMINATION AND GENEROSITY.*
5. She sits on her eggs for twenty one (21) days, patiently waiting, even if they do not hatch, she will lay eggs again
*- FAITH, HOPE AND NOT DISCOURAGED.*
6. She detects unfertilized eggs and rolls them out
*- SENSITIVE AND DISCERNING.*
7. She abandons the rotten eggs and starts caring for the hatched chicks even if it is only one
*- WISDOM, CONSCIOUSNESS, AND REALISTIC.*
8. No one touches her chicks
*- PROTECTIVE AND LOVE.*
9. She gathers all her chicks together
*- UNITY OF PURPOSE.*
10. She cannot abandon her chicks before they mature
*- MENTORSHIP.*
11. She always be at the front of her chicks.
*- LEADERSHIP.*

U.B.A:
That bank looks like a shrine.. Everywhere is just painted Red! And the bank is very stingy, they will never employ workers. It’s only UBA you will enter & see empty cashier seats… They will be up to like 2 employed but there will be only 1 Cashier who ends up delaying customers.
GTB:
This bank has the highest number of customers! The only bank that looks like aba ariaria market. U queue like mofedaku. The only difference is that you see people with suits and pen, they have their wahala but I like them shaa
Skye Bank:
Hian! This bank will just be looking like somebody’s bathroom. Very small bank, dem go jampack people like sardines! Their workers no dey even wear suit again probably because of heat… Everybody dey enter the bank with hand fan
Diamond Bank:
Only their Lemon Green Colour can make you open 18 accounts with them even if nothing is inside. That is the only thing good about them. They have few branches in cities, their banking hall is like onitsha main market place. But their transfer protocol be like American constitution, simple to transfer with ATM, u go first go sign Non disclosure agreement.
Zenith bank:
This one ehn…? The only thing dem know how to do best is to decorate their walls with mirrors. You will just stay at the front and be seeing someone behind you? Sometimes if you enter the bank, you will be confused, you won’t even know which road to follow because everybody is appearing two two for the mirror. I wonder if their CEO is a Crystal palace fan. Just carry crystal glass full everywhere!
Sterling Bank
Where do I start from, hmmm this bank looks like eatery, atimes I used to mistake it for where they are selling ice creams, ices and sharwama
Union Bank:
Chai! This bank ehn? I cannot fit yab dem because dem old pass my grandpapa!?
Sometimes, I begin to think maybe the children of Israelites have accounts with Union bank… Their security men sef na old old old papas dem be…. You go enter bank to pay na people with walking stick u go dey see ..
FCMB
They are just beautiful women with good attitudes only that all your incomes will just be going for aso ebi and ice cream
FIDELITY
That one na bank for retired teacher, the only issue in customer care na about pension, u reach cashier point, one old papa will be withdrawing #45,675, #5 naira will always appear. I wonder if no be that bank dey hold all #5 CBN prints. Infact, they are the only bank whose ATM has pension button.
FIRST BANK.
Ah ah ah, this bank can annoy somebody, their first wahala na their door, they will just be screening u like say na jamb office. If you enter nko, queue be like Aba road hold up for port Harcourt, Infact the most annoying tin is some of their workers behaviour, somebody will just be counting #7,000 with machine and #200,000 with ordinary hand. They can screen #1000 like keke people but the good thing about them is their ATM galleries. For that one them try.
Wema Bank
that one na fishermen and panel beaters dey go there recently.
UNITY BANK:
Make them just return their name back to BANK OF THE NORTH. Because how person go wan enter bank e go come be like say u dey enter Zaria city gate. , everywhere they smell Turare (perfume) even the cashiers speak Hausa with u because u wear Agbada.
Keystone Bank.
This bank looks like they are always on strike. The banking hall looks like they only attend to one customer at a time.
Heritage Bank:
that one looks like PDP Secretariat after 2015 election. Even their flag is worn out
Ecobank.
That one looks like NaijaBet office. Its always jam packed on Fridays only. With lots of branches and many people that speaks amny African languages especially in Lagos branch
Sometime I suspect that bank has something to do with Arsenal FC
Access bank:
Na shakara dey worry them. Their account opening process be like application for Canadian visa.
Stanbic IBTC.
The bank suppose to relocate back to south Africa. Everybody dey speak through their nose seff.
CBN...
I wont say it....You want EFCC to investigate me abii? I SAID NO WAY OOOOOOO

My brother and sisters if u have never speak Chinese in your life today is your chance because I'm going to make u speak it....
Just repeat these words fast: by saying:
MY SHOE SHALL SOON SHINE
How does it sound in your mouth