thotianna:


That was too harsh

thotianna:
We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me

TV01:

When there is transparency (n4kedness) their is a "joining", even if you have separate a/c's. Start there.


TV

thotianna:


We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me

Onegai:


Whatever you do, don't lay this money at his feet in an attempt to "be submissive", it will backfire to the point that you will taste the slap of your actions in your mouth. I'm begging you not to do that, because that is what my mother will tell me.

Just act like all is well. Your marriage is new, he needs to learn that all those shenanigans won't work. Neither of you trust each other financially and that will take time, because it is one thing to discuss before the ring slides on your finger, it is another to implement when marriage is in full swing.

Do you know how much the rent is, how much for electricity bills, all the household expenditure? You need to know. Slowly, start working it into the conversation about ideas to save, how to cut costs and more. He needs to react by opening up to you. That deleting of alerts should stop, don't check, just let it be clear that you are above childish behaviours like that.

thotianna:


Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

thotianna:


Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

fluxbush:
Yeah,discuss with him. A good step in the right direction. But I must object to you saying that you won't spend a dime of your money, even if he refuses to be open with you. It might seem like a challenge to his ego. I thought you said you wanted a solution to your predicament. Honey, just do your part and do it well. If you ve been footing the bill for household items,keep doing it. However don't squander your savings on splurges. You two can meet each other halfway.

thotianna:

This isn't about me wanting to hide money, it's about how he doesn't want to open up.
And if I find out he had money, and he told me he wants to invest for our home then we'll and good I hold nothing against him

victor1983:

One problem you might have in this marriage if care is not taken(God forbid) is posing yourself as a fiend to your partner. Please and please again, thread with caution on this issue. I don't want to present a littany of failures or positives by giving you a hypothetical model on what to do anymore. What i can say is that in all these, let love and the passion for your marriage drive your actions. Never make your husband feel like you are an enemy to him, but with humilty and love approach yoir man and talk over this issue. I want to admit that some of the responses you are giving to some comments seem to be done with strong and vitriolic words( saying however i like sounds a bit extreme and that is the reason for my submission). One thing you have to realize is that the Godly way of doing things is the best. TV01 said something very important( your husband is the head of your family). One thing this problem might elicit in your marriage is distrust( if it hasn't happened already). Call your man and sit him down, tell him what you had or have in mind and reason with him. Even if you keep seperate accounts, you can still make this work( and you will in jesus' name, amen). You might not know he is hurt but he is. Listen, perhaps his perception of your marriage might have been affected by the way your parents bothered him about his finances, this coupled with the stress he goes through to cater for you might have affected the young man. He probably sees it as you sabotaging his effort and that he slaves away his life for you. He might even feel that you are planning to leave him in case anything happens. You already have an alibi to that crime, present it to him and pls stop saying however you want( that is selfish and insensitive).

thotianna:


Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

raumdeuter:


Divorce is still an option. Given all you have said here, you are not willing to yield and he might not be willing to yield either

Onegai:


Don't insist, just let no be a calm No. "Please can I have money for the baby's cerelac?", "use your money!" "Ah I kept in Tbills for us, ah okay then baby will drink akamu and manage ". "What do you think of the Ibeju Lekki scheme, should we buy, how much is it our rent, it may be a good idea o". "Was reading the Newborn thread and it was saying how we should invest for children, should we try and get an account and then think of mutual funds in baby's name?". "Mehn, dollar is now N470, I found this deal, do you think we should buy like $100 and keep every month?".

Those kind of conversations encourage him to discuss money matters with you.

thotianna:


Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

victor1983:


Please, you might say i'm too fast giving a judgement (but i don't think so) stop calling your husband, this man, it sure sounds benign, but it can be cynical and smacks of sinicism. Your husband probably wanted to guard his loins in case something happens, so the reason for his secrecy. People here have already said it, you two should work very hard on trust.

thotianna:


I have never done that. Please and please stop accusing me falsely.

victor1983:


You know you have to earn trust now even though this issue should have been treated while courting. I can also see his point here although he probably was too guarded about this not envisaging this as an outcome. Your parents asking him if he could take care of you( i would like to get the terminological exactness of the words used in this course by your parents 'cos that can help inform us on why he chose not to disclose his financial status to you no matter how subtle it sounds) could have also had its own impact. He might have literally interpreted it as you being completely cash strapped at that moment and like someone asked( i now see why), you might have or might not have had a job at that time. Please, you might say i'm too fast giving a judgement (but i don't think so), stop calling your husband, this man, it sure sounds benign, but it can be cynical and smacks of sinicism. Your husband probably wanted to guard his loins in case something happens, so the reason for his secrecy. People here have already said it, you two should work very hard on trust.

fluxbush:
Very deep...but it doesn't apply in this situation. I don't see any excuse for deleting his bank alerts and at the same time, demanding she spends her money on him. He didn't suggest saving or investing. Just plain spending. Haba! Let's say the truth when we see evil and stop being politically correct. If she was the one who acted that way, most guys would judge her and call her a hoe,olosho, etc. I like what you posted and I know it can change many homes in this kind of situation,but not this one.

As the head of the home, he ought to lead by example. Where did he act right? By being sneaky with his money? By snooping around her stuff for proof of her money? Where? The husband,by his actions, seems to be a selfish person. No sugar coating the truth.

Thotianna, your husband had an idea of your money which is why he went snooping. You didn't make it easier by hiding it,so you also share part of the blame. The deed has been done. Move on. As I said earlier, work on your trust issues. No marriage survives without trust.

fluxbush:


Thotianna, your husband had an idea of your money which is why he went snooping. You didn't make it easier by hiding it,so you also share part of the blame. The deed has been done. Move on. As I said earlier, work on your trust issues. No marriage survives without trust.

thotianna:
I hid it because he was hiding his.

But yes I understand what we must do now is build openness and trust. It's very crucial. I only hope he cooperates.
He doesn't like spending his money that's why he is hiding it. I will try and coax him to be more giving, maybe by using religious scriptures.

raumdeuter:


Who pays the rent and money for food

thotianna:
Assuming you found out your wife has a stash of cash somewhere that was enough to single handedly cater for you, herself and the family, would you resent her for not spending it on the family?
What if she said she wanted to save it instead, would you resent her for not spending it on you and the family instead?

This is actually about me and it happened between me and my hubby
Thanks for your honest opinions.

thotianna:


We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me

Tritri:
@thotianna

What you did isnt RIGHT as most husband will see it as my spouse is up to something and he has to keep his too.
YOU WANT THE OLD WAYS OF HUSBAND TAKING CARE OF HIS WIFE.

BUT YOU'RE DOING THE NEW WAY OF INDEPENDENCE .

YOU FORGOT THE OLD WAYS DEMAND 100% WIFE'S LOYALTY TO THE HUSBAND ?

Now your husband has started acting the way you started you're angry...

THIS IS VERY FUNNY because IT NOT ME OR MY FAMILY...

IF IT WAS YOUR BROTHER THAT COMPLAIN THIS TO YOUR PARENT ..WHAT ADVICE DO YOU THINK THEY'LL GIVE HIM?

YOU'RE AMONG THOSE LADIES THAT EVEN WHEN THEY ARE MARRIED THEY GO AND BUILD HOUSE WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE HUSBAND THAT WAS EVEN YOUR INTENTION .

IF YOUR FATHER FINDS OUT YOUR MOM HAS BUILDING WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE ..DO YOU THINK HE WOULD BE HAPPY ? DO YOU EXPECT THINGS TO STILL BE THE SAME WAY AS IT WAS? A LADY LIKE YOU WILL END UP HAVING THE HUSBAND PAY RENT EVEN WHEN SHE IS THE OWNER OF THE PROPERTY, AFRICAN WOMEN AND THERE SMARTNESS EVERYWHERE...

WHENEVER I TELL MY FRIEND NO TRUE LOVE AGAIN ....THEY WONT HEAR WORDS..SEE TRUE LOVE..RUBISH

YOU HAVE MADE YOUR HUSBAND LOOK LIKE A FOOL NOW HE'S THINKING WHAT OTHER SECRET DO YOU HAVE THAT HE IS NOT AWARE OF.

Atk1nson:


why did you wait for him to find out that you kept a stash of money somewhere. You should have disclosed it as soon as u guys were married. If I were in his shoes, I will also feel betrayed. Why will husband and wife not trust each other with their finances. Whatever both parties earn should be collectively decided on

fluxbush:
Are you for real?
Did you actually go through all the posts on this thread and still say what you did? Wow! I give up.

thotianna:


Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.
Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

thotianna:


How about me?

How am I supposed to feel since he is still hiding his money up till now?

I am tired of repeating myself, I said it earlier in the thread that I had intentions of sharing my financial status with him but when I saw that he didn't share same sentiments I changed my mind.
Like someone said before he is the head, he should lead by example for heavens sake. I am still a human being with feelings and his hiding his money hurts me deeply but yet nobody thinks that is an issue, rather I should forget my feelings and understand why he feels betrayed.

Idon't know why people expect women to be robots that can put up with everything horrible and have to be extremely well behaved in return.