cococandy:
I would marry a 40 year old man if I liked him enough. And I'm not even 28 yet.

It's a matter of personal preference.
I can't deal with immature guys. It's draining. Petty games. And the whining. Argh.

I'm sure you know no one can specifically tell you who to choose. Think about which of them will make a better husband and father. If they both make the cut, You could roll a dice or flip a coin or something #kidding.

But choose wisely.

Yeah it's hard to say who to go to, sometimes being matured doesn't mean he can be a good husband, he might be matured and still decide to cheat and get physical, the younger one trust me I've had immature friends marry and there's nothing that changes your countenance than marriage and real responsibility. All my married friends don mature by force whether they like it or not. Mehn it's hard to give an advice here

sisisioge:
Hmmmm...Biko marry the 40yrs old so long as he doesn't act like your ancestor and you feel strongly enough for him.

The younger one here has the tendencies of making you a serial poster of advice-seeking threads eventually. I think you should save yourself some drama. This isn't to say younger men are grossly immature o, na this particular one I dey talk about.

He already has. This is number one....Lol! And I find myself reading the "how to's" on google, something I had never done before. Arghhh

anitank:


He already has. This is number one....Lol! And I find myself reading the "how to's" on google, something I had never done before. Arghhh

Ain't that too much work sis. In life I think it's a simple case of take it or leave it. All those clichés come out you know like it's your bed so watch how you make it cause you'll have to lay in it.

Have you spoken to him. Not nagging but sharing your fears with him concerning this relationship?

Get a medium age and semi mature man to marry... Confused set of humans.

Thing is, the younger guy has shown you his negatives while Mr. Matured hasn't (is he doing a damn good job of hiding them?), so there's really no basis for comparison.

There's nothing like a perfect guy and I personally am always more worried about people whose flaws I don't know. I want to know your flaws and decide if I can live with them.

Before you make your choice, dig deeper into Matured Guy (you could even try doing things to provoke him to express his other side).

By the way, the fact he's never been married at his age (as he claims) is a major Alarm Bell. And the 'vague' reason he gave makes it worse. You really need to probe deep.

cococandy:
I would marry a 40 year old man if I liked him enough. And I'm not even 28 yet.

It's a matter of personal preference.
I can't deal with immature guys. It's draining. Petty games. And the whining. Argh.

I'm sure you know no one can specifically tell you who to choose. Think about which of them will make a better husband and father. If they both make the cut, You could roll a dice or flip a coin or something #kidding.

But choose wisely.

Girlll you fineeee

anitank,

you are more attached to the younger of the two because you spent more time bonding. If I were you, I would take my time to get to know the older of the two guys better too and then make my decision.

Thank you guys for your contributions.

Like ifyalways adviced, I should definitely cast my net wider and check other possibilities. I've just not been good at handling more than one man at time, much less two or more. But who knows, the best is yet to come.

Darkrebel101 I'd like to think I'm not desperate. I definitely have my reservations about the older man, knowing there could be a much more reason he's not married yet at 40. Maybe he's too picky looking for the perfect trophy wife, maybe he's the type that thinks women belong to only the kitchen and the other room with no career and would want to have total dominance in his home. I've been monitoring him closely, sometimes throwing indirect questions at him to see his view. And trust me the moment I find out he's one like that, I'm out!

Pinkdiamondz:


Ain't that too much work sis. In life I think it's a simple case of take it or leave it. All those clichés come out you know like it's your bed so watch how you make it cause you'll have to lay in it.

Have you spoken to him. Not nagging but sharing your fears with him concerning this relationship?

I have tried several times, but he always avoids having serious conversations. Only recently after I left him sick with a high blood pressure like he claimed, he finally listened to me

None of us live in the same country but my job takes me around the world and I get to see them whenever I travel to the country they live

I'm just speechless, but I have issues with the distance.

So for me, it is NONE until concrete plans get laid.

Mindfulness:
anitank,

you are more attached to the younger of the two because you spent more time bonding. If I were you, I would take my time to get to know the older of the two guys better too and then make my decision.

Doing that already. Thank you

sisisioge:
Hmmmm...Biko marry the 40yrs old so long as he doesn't act like your ancestor and you feel strongly enough for him.

[b]The younger one here has the tendencies of making you a serial poster of advice-seeking threads eventually. I think you should save yourself some drama.[/i] This isn't to say younger men are grossly immature o, na this particular one I dey talk about.

As in ehn

t

JeffreyJamez:
40-28?........that just looks wrong on all levels... Forget all those "calm" talk of that uncle.. .if at 40 he never still get babe something is seriously wrong with him that he is not ready to take the blame for.

As for the other guy... well, he sounds like s good but nonchalant person. And some people are wired that way.

Is being wired to be nonchalant a good trait?

Ishilove:

Is being wired to be nonchalant a good trait?

No it's not, but then again, everyone has a bad trait.

SkinnyDude:
this babymama even has has a choice.. mtcheeeeew

Well I wouldn't be a single mum if my fiancé didn't die in that terrible car crash. Thanks for pointing that out. And yes I do have a choice!

anitank:

[color=#99000]Darkrebel101 I'd like to think I'm not desperate[/color]. I definitely have my reservations about the older man, knowing there could be a much more reason he's not married yet at 40. Maybe he's too picky looking for the perfect trophy wife, maybe he's the type that thinks women belong to only the kitchen and the other room with no career and would want to have total dominance in his home. I've been monitoring him closely, sometimes throwing indirect questions at him to see his view. And trust me the moment I find out he's one like that, I'm out!

What we like to think are not always the truth.

You seem desperate. If you are not, then you wouldn't be considering marrying a man that's at least twenty-five years older than you are.

Do you know what this means? It means at the time of your birth, he was probably just graduating from the university. When you were in kindergaten still learning the alphabets, he was probably doing his youth service, maybe even had a girlfriend too at the time who he planned on getting married to.

Dear, pick somone your age and who is from your era, and who thinks like you. It's just so comical I can't even picture it without laughing my brains out. I wonder how you would discuss topics like sex with him without feeling like you're talking to your pops.

I'm curious, when you guys discuss, what do you talk about? ‘Cause it is for this reason that such marriages/relationships are unravelled – one partner ultimately gets bored of what the other talks about and vice versa, because since they were born at two very different times, their interests and taste(s) hardly overlap, which consequentially leads to extramarital affair and calcification of the love existing in the union.

The generation gap is just too wide. If it were a ten-year difference it could have been manageable.
You may think he's right for you but trust me, such arrangements wherein the age of one partner is disproportionate to the other never last (you can investigate this).

Besides, it's rather easy to hoodwink a woman during courtship, the veneers of deceit usually crack midway into the marriage – so don't think those indirect questions you say you ask him would do the trick. Do you know how many women he must have wooed before you? He must be well abreast of what makes women tick that he could easily cause any woman to fall for him.

The women telling you they would opt for the older man are only telling you what Nairaland wants to hear, in practice you would be hardpressed to find any of them keeping to their word – unless the man is super rich.

Cross the old man out of your list...That he's even on it proves you're desperate. Stick to the immature young man who cares for your child – who's to say that the old man wasn't even more immature when he was much younger. Your problem is you want a finished product.

Put your Bf on probation, if he doesn't shed off his immaturity then chuck him out without looking back.

DarkRebel101:


What we like to think are not always the truth.

You seem desperate. If you are not, then you wouldn't be considering marrying a man that's at least twenty-five years older than you are.

Do you know what this means? It means at the time of your birth, he was probably just graduating from the university. When you were in kindergaten still learning the alphabets, he was probably doing his youth service, maybe even had a girlfriend too at the time who he planned on getting married to.

Dear, pick somone your age and who is from your era, and who thinks like you. It's just so comical I can't even picture it without laughing my brains out. I wonder how you would discuss topics like sex with him without feeling like you're talking to your pops.

I'm curious, when you guys discuss, what do you talk about? ‘Cause it is for this reason that such marriages/relationships are unravelled – one partner ultimately gets bored of what the other talks about and vice versa, because since they were born at two very different times, their interests and taste(s) hardly overlap, which consequentially leads to extramarital affair and calcification of the love existing in the union.

The generation gap is just too wide. If it were a ten-year difference it could have been manageable.
You may think he's right for you but trust me, such arrangements wherein the age of one partner is disproportionate to the other never last (you can investigate this).

Besides, it's rather easy to hoodwink a woman during courtship, the veneers of deceit usually crack midway into the marriage – so don't think those indirect questions you say you ask him would do the trick. Do you know how many women he must have wooed before you? He must be well abreast of what makes women tick that he could easily cause any woman to fall for him.

The women telling you they would opt for the older man are only telling you what Nairaland wants to hear, in practice you would be hardpressed to find any of them keeping to their word – unless the man is super rich.

Cross the old man out of your list...That he's even on it proves you're desperate. Stick to the immature young man who cares for your child – who's to say that the old man wasn't even more immature when he was much younger. Your problem is you want a finished product.

Put your Bf on probation, if he doesn't shed off his immaturity then chuck him out without looking back.

Points noted. But I don't remember saying the man was twenty-five years older than I am. So I don't know where that figure is coming from. Thanks for your contributions all the same

My candid advice? Look to snag a higher status man. Neither of these two men will cut it. You're already scarred and way too picky and calculative/manipulative. Not entirely your fault, but it is what it is.
This is why in the old days, women were married off before they became too old (in years and in experience). Then they become like the dry wood - wizened and inflexible.

DarkRebel101:


What we like to think are not always the truth.

You seem desperate. If you are not, then you wouldn't be considering marrying a man that's at least twenty-five years older than you are.

Do you know what this means? It means at the time of your birth, he was probably just graduating from the university. When you were in kindergaten still learning the alphabets, he was probably doing his youth service, maybe even had a girlfriend too at the time who he planned on getting married to.

Dear, pick somone your age and who is from your era, and who thinks like you. It's just so comical I can't even picture it without laughing my brains out. I wonder how you would discuss topics like sex with him without feeling like you're talking to your pops.

I'm curious, when you guys discuss, what do you talk about? ‘Cause it is for this reason that such marriages/relationships are unravelled – one partner ultimately gets bored of what the other talks about and vice versa, because since they were born at two very different times, their interests and taste(s) hardly overlap, which consequentially leads to extramarital affair and calcification of the love existing in the union.

The generation gap is just too wide. If it were a ten-year difference it could have been manageable.
You may think he's right for you but trust me, such arrangements wherein the age of one partner is disproportionate to the other never last (you can investigate this).

Besides, it's rather easy to hoodwink a woman during courtship, the veneers of deceit usually crack midway into the marriage – so don't think those indirect questions you say you ask him would do the trick. Do you know how many women he must have wooed before you? He must be well abreast of what makes women tick that he could easily cause any woman to fall for him.

The women telling you they would opt for the older man are only telling you what Nairaland wants to hear, in practice you would be hardpressed to find any of them keeping to their word – unless the man is super rich.

Cross the old man out of your list...That he's even on it proves you're desperate. Stick to the immature young man who cares for your child – who's to say that the old man wasn't even more immature when he was much younger. Your problem is you want a finished product.

Put your Bf on probation, if he doesn't shed off his immaturity then chuck him out without looking back.

She is 28 and he is 40. The age difference is 12, not 25.
And because of 12 years you recommend that she sticks to a guy who

1. posts irrelevant stuff on social media like a re.tard
2. plays mind games with her
3. is unsure about his decisions
4. breaks promises
5. does not consider her complaints valid
6. apologizes and then repeats his mistakes
7. she thinks is immature
8. hyperventilates when she breaks up with him



The age difference between Melania and Donald Trump is 24. Does she look unhappy or desperate to you?

anitank:


Points noted. But I don't remember saying the man was twenty-five years older than I am. So I don't know where that figure is coming from. Thanks for your contributions all the same

It was a mildly exaggerated ball park figure. I needed to do that to drive home the point.

Mindfulness:


She is 28 and he is 40. The age difference is 12, not 25.

She didn't include her age in her original post. Alright.

And because of 12 years you recommend that she sticks to a guy who

1. posts irrelevant stuff on social media like a re.tard
2. plays mind games with her
3. is unsure about his decisions
4. breaks promises
5. does not consider her complaints valid
6. apologizes and then repeats his mistakes
7. she thinks is immature
8. hyperventilates when she breaks up with him

She can do what she wants. But I wouldn't advise my sister or female relative to marry a forty-year-old or a Bf with such repugnant characteristics. I'm sure they deserve better than that.

The age difference between Melania and Donald Trump is 24. Does she look unhappy or desperate to you?

I told you I don't care a bit about Melania or whatever she calls herself, stop using her in your analogies. Suddenly everybody is Melania this, Melania that, like it's suppose to pay my house rent or fuel my car.

DarkRebel101:


She didn't include her age in her original post. Alright.

She did but you overlooked it, not deliberately, I know.

She can do what she wants. But I wouldn't advise my sister or female relative to marry a forty-year-old or a Bf with such repugnant characteristics. I'm sure they deserve better than that.

Exactly! She can do what she wants, even date her grandpapa's age mate. She is old enough to make her choice.
I do not even get why you have a problem with people dating older people, you of all.

I am friends with people 20 years older than I am and 15 years younger so your point 'find someone who thinks like you' is weak for two reasons:
1. People who think alike are not necessarily age mates.
2. Why do we have to date people who think alike? Some people find opposites more interesting.

I told you I don't care a bit about Melania or whatever she calls herself, stop using her in your analogies. Suddenly everybody is Melania this, Melania that, like it's suppose to pay my house rent or fuel my car.

I can use whoever I want to in my analogies, whether you like it or not.

Melania for President!

Mindfulness. Love your siggy.

EfemenaXY:
Mindfulness. Love your siggy.

I have just quoted you on some other thread.

I love the song.

anitank:
I don't know why this always happens to me. It's either I'm single with no one saying hi or I have to choose between two people who want me at the same time. It's never in-between.

I met this guy who's just a year older than me (he's 29). He's a nice person with a really good heart but I have a little problem with the fact he's a bit immature. He's always on social media posting very irrelevant stuff, plays mind games with me, not always sure about his decisions and sees nothing wrong with breaking promises. And each time I complain, he thinks I'm overreacting. And even when he apologizes, he goes back to the same thing after a few days. But even with his flaws he has his great sides too. I was really skeptical at first dating someone within my age range because I know the maturity level always differs but I decided to give it a chance and not just assume things, afterall no one is perfect, not even myself. I really do like him but his behaviors gives me concerns. The last time we had a heated argument and I tried breaking up with him, he got really sick and hypertensive and had to take days off work to see a doctor. I had to make up with him. He specifically said he doesn't know if he'd survive if I ever left him.

Now my big sister introduced me to her friend's brother who is way older than I am (he's 40). He's very mature and patient, goes straight to the point, doesn't play any games. He pretty much knows what he wants. We've only spoken a couple of weeks and talked about variety of topics concerning life, family, work, dreams and aspirations etc and trust me nothing beats having a partner you're intellectually in sync with. And although things are not defined yet, you could easily tell where this is going.

The both men have absolutely nothing against me having a son (whose father died few months to our wedding four years ago). The younger guy particularly likes my boy a lot. Never goes a day without asking about him, bought him a game for his birthday and is currently asking what he wants for Christmas. The both men have also introduced me to their parents. I spoke with the younger guy's mum on the phone. The older one took me to his family home and I received a really warm welcome from them. None of us live in the same country but my job takes me around the world and I get to see them whenever I travel to the country they live.

Now this has nothing to do with money or even age but everything to do with me making the right decision and having peace of mind at the end of the day.

Bottom line is I like the younger guy and feel more attached to him and can tell he wants this to work out. He's always talking about having a road trip someday as a family with "our twins" and my son, but it's emotionally draining being with a "man-child" and don't know how long I can wait for him to realize that certain behaviors should be left for teenage boys. If I complain tomorrow, the usual tagline would be "did you not see all those behavior but you stayed thinking he'd change?". At a crossroad now and need a tough-love kinda advice but please don't roast me.

Thanks in advance

from all what you've said, its obvious you like the younger lad more than the older guy, why don't you go with your heart, grow into maturity together with the one your heart has chosen.

grow old together with him, moreover, all this flaws you mentioned are nothing to be worried about cause scientifically he will grow more maturely,

wait until major event happy in his life, like a first child
its like magic, you will see a responsible version of your guy

stay blessed

DarkRebel101:


It was a mildly exaggerated ball park figure. I needed to do that to drive home the point.

So not even an apology or accepting you got it wrong. You typed a whole page for an error and couldn't muster a simple, I'm sorry I got that wrong?

Men Smh.

I can't read so please be stingy with the reply. Thanks.

anitank, hello. In all you have been well advised on this thread. I think it may help to expound a little.

The best piece of advise you received is to "cast your net further". I actually think it's one of a few core pieces your situation requires. You seemed to struggle to comprehend how to do so, with your comment about "juggling more than 2".

Simple, you cut them both loose. Yes, that's right, neither of them at this point meet your specifications for marriage. As such if you proceed with either, you are potentially storing up heartache for yourself.

It is likely to end in a union that is fragile and likely to break, or one in which you'll struggle to be happy, or have to live with the sense that you could have done better, but settled.

You shouldn't need to juggle. Queue potential suitors. What you should do, is set your high mark and spend initial interaction understanding if any potential suitor meets them. If they do not, "CTL" immediately.

Otherwise - and as you are doing now - you are bouncing between unsuitables, are getting used to a "lower quality" (by your own reckoning) man, may potentially marry wrong, and even if you don't commit, you are wasting time while a suitable may pass you by.

Now the second thing I'll touch on - being in a sense more important and a precursor - is you. Yes you. In a way, and putting this as politely as I can, you are not ready to marry. Desirous yes, ready, no.

You need to develop a real understanding of what marriage entails, the core qualities desirable in a spouse, those things that are "nice to haves", things to be overlooked, or considered irrelevant.

It's quite clear you are not there yet. Consider the young man. Do you know that the realisation of the burdens and expectations or marriage can even make a man who is mature and capable panic when they face them starkly?

In fact, cutting him loose, will more likely make him consider his commitment and if he wants to make that step up. If he doesn't, it's better you find out now, then push things to marriage and find out after the fact. This is also why you need to step up, so that you can clearly articulate those expectations to him now, not when it's a done deal.

A man who behaves immaturely and acts like a juvenile (extensive video gaming and social media, when it's not for a living) may well step up when it hits him, but the opposite is much more likely. Beware.

If I were forced to choose (and note my opening), I'd go for the older guy. But you are at present somewhat unappreciative of the qualities he brings. That could lead to discontent and a feeling you could have done better.

Again it's telling that you claim to be attracted to someone who is immature, yet you simultaneously call him nice? Mature attraction is based on quality of character, not "niceness" of person. And one cannot be immature and nice in any meaningful way in a marriage relationship. Unless you are basing that niceness on the "nice to haves" I mentioned.

So to sum;

1. First and forenost, work on yourself - grow up, learn to seek out, appreciate and love the qualities required for the long haul. Not easy, but so beneficial. An almost entire change of mindset may be required. Evolve what you are after, but set a very high mark. Don't doubt yourself or consider settling for anyone not "ball park"

2. Cast your net wider - meet as many as possible, cut to the chase in discerning if they are right for you without coming across as desperate. You can juggle a number if you are merely meeting and acquainting. Ergo, don't throw yourself into relationships head first. That confuses and serves only to tie you down. Tread softly and CTL as soon as you realise there is a deal-braker, or he does not meet your lower (but high ) threshold.

All the very best.


TV

lepasharon:


Girlll you fineeee

Awww. Blushing. Thanks

Mindfulness:

She did but you overlooked it, not deliberately, I know.

Exactly! She can do what she wants, even date her grandpapa's age mate. She is old enough to make her choice.

Then why bring the issue to social media? For validation?

I do not even get why you have a problem with people dating older people, you of all.

I don't have a quarrel with women dating older men or with men dating older women, my only problem is with them getting married. It beggars belief when a twenty-something-year-old girl marries a sixty-something-year-old man. That's just gross. But then again, who am I to pass judgement, it's a free world.

I am friends with people 20 years older than I am and 15 years younger so your point 'find someone who thinks like you' is weak for two reasons:
1. People who think alike are not necessarily age mates.

But those of the same age grade are more apt to think alike. Why do you think parents don't understand their kids sometimes? Or why do you think what a fifty-year-old might consider the fashion du jour, a teenager would regard as passé?

2. Why do we have to date people who think alike? Some people find opposites more interesting.

She is mature, her boyfriend is immature – those are two polar opposites so why isn't she finding it interesting? Let's be honest, no one wants to share the rest of their lives with an opposite. An intellectual descendant of Archimedes would never go for a dümb Bimbo who probably thinks Napoleon Bonaparte is the name of a river in Africa.

We all love those who share similar values e.t.c., and who are like us in the things that matter the most. The rule of opposite poles attracting exist in the world of magnets.

I can use whoever I want to in my analogies, whether you like it or not.

Melania for President!

You are here screaming Melania and she doesn't even know a lick about you. Attagirl! Maybe if you keep this up she might ask that you join her in her next nüde photo shoot in the White House since that's all she does all day anyway.

I just don't understand why fame is thrusted upon those who don't merit in the least. If there's one thing I've learnt about life, it is that it's got jokes.

Pinkdiamondz:


So not even an apology or accepting you got it wrong. You typed a whole page for an error and couldn't muster a simple, I'm sorry I got that wrong?

Men Smh.

I can't read so please be stingy with the reply. Thanks.

Apologies are tendered when one offends another, I'm sure I haven't offended the OP in anyway.

SkinnyDude:
this babymama even has has a choice.. mtcheeeeew

lmbooo