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Mr Death,hafa My 30k? - Literature - Nairaland

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Mr Death,hafa My 30k? by opustjk: 12:30pm On Jan 09, 2017
"I'm the Spirit of death, I've come to take you to the afterlife," the man in white said.
"Why?" She shrugged.
The had a confused expression on his face. "What do you mean why? You're dead!"
She stared awkwardly at her surroundings, "U sure?"
"I can't believe you're even asking me that. Aren't you seeing your body?"
Akome stared at the horrified crowd of people gathered around her mangled body. Like most people, she'd always assumed she'd die in her sleep when she was old and grey, not on a busy market road surrounded by street orange and groundnut sellers.
How could this happen? She'd just turned twenty-one and was on her way to collect thirty thousand naira.
She shook her head, " If I hear say Na me be dat eh?"
"Listen, I have a very busy schedule. Don't waste my t---."
"See me see wahala," she threw her hands in the air, "I say no be me. Na by force?"
He pointed at the corpse. "If that's not your body, whose is it?"
"I be winsh? How I wan know?"
Then she took a closer look at the body. "Chei!" Akome suddenly placed both hands on her head. "na so dis life be?...Chei!"
Mr death put a comforting hand on her back, "It's okay-it's okay. People are often traumatized when they find out that they're dead."
She shook his hand off. "Leave me jor! See as all my breast dey show. The whole market done see my yansh finish!"
"You can't be serious!"
"Chei, see this boy wey I dey do yanga for don see my breast."
Death rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I hate my job. Are you done? Can we go now?"
Akome seemed thoughtful. "Wait oh. Where we dey go?"
He sighed. "I'm taking you to the after life---!"
"Chei! Na hell be that oh!" She placed her hands on her head.
"I didn't say that."
She stopped crying. "...so na heaven?"
"...I didn't say that either."
"Abi you no know?...a whole spirit of death?"
He waved his finger. "There's no need to be rude. I'm just here to help."
She put her hands on her waist. "So you no know if na heaven I dey go? You sure say u no be 419?"
"I don't need to explain myself to you---."
"And which kine cloth be dis wey u wear? U be pastor? No b black Una dey wear?"
Death stared at his clothes. In the passed millennia he'd been to busy to change. Maybe his clothes could use some more colour, black was so 8000 B.C.
He quickly composed himself. "Listen, you're dead and I'm Death. Come with me or else."
She folded her arms and looked away. "Lie-lie!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I must collect my 30k Wey pesin owe me first."
If Death could turn Paler, he would've.
"Is something wrong with you?"
"Na d same question I wan ask you oh!"
This is a nightmare, he thought. "You can't go back...you're dead---."
"So make I leave the 30k for another pesin to chop? U dey fall my hand oh!"
He considered leaving her. But then he remembered his quota. He rolled his eyes. Middle-management issues. If he let her be, HR was going to be pissed.
"I can't...put you back in your body. It's against regulations---."
"So no be u be oga for here?"
He looked at her like he were about to bash her face in. "I'm not going to repeat myself again. I am Death and you're dead. I'm taking you to the afterlife---."
"Wait,wait wait..."A smallish man emerged from the crowd, "I'm a doctor let me through." The man knelt over her body.
"Wetin?...who be dat..?"
Mr Death shrugged. "Doesn't matter, there's nothing the doctor can do."
"Na doctor?" Akoma did a small dance, "God done answer my prayer be dat!"
"Don't get so excited, I wouldn't be here if there was hope for you."
She folded her arms. "Since Wey I meet you Na so so bad you dey wish me. Who my death hepp?"
He shook his head, "This isn't happening. And to think I called off my annual Leave for this."
Akome's human body coughed and jerked on the ground. In that same moment, her ghost form flickered.
"She's alive!" The smallish man said, "we need to get her to a hospital."
Mr Death placed both hands on his head. "I am so screwed!"
"See wetin I tell u?" She was dancing again, "how I go die when I never collect my money. Dis work u no sabi am. After u say u be oga."
"I never said that. I'm an intern and...why am I even explaining this to---."
Just then, an elderly man in white appeared.
"Na ya papa be dis?"
Mr Death had a haunted look on his face. "No...much worse...it's my boss."
"This is going in your report." The elderly man said.
"...sir I can explain---."
"This is the second time you've screwed up."
"In my defence," Mr Death stepped forward, "It was a bad time for me, I was going through a divorce, I just had a pay cut---."
"You must put her back in her body at once!"
Mr Death stared at the floor like a child being scolded by a parent.
Akome raised her hand, "...em...I fit ask one question?"
"NO!" Death and the elderly man said.
She slowly put her hand down and muttered under her breath, "Simple question Na fight...na wa oh!"
"Make sure she doesn't remember anything," the elderly man said then vanished.
Mr Death snapped his fingers and Akome vanished.
Three hours later, Akome woke up in a hospital. Her best friend, Ngozi was standing over her with tears in her eyes.
"...abeg no make me fear like that again," Ngozi said. "you dey like sister, if you die..." She broke into tears and embraced her.
Akome's chest and arms were in agony, but she managed to hug her back.
"...em...Ngozi...?" Akome said.
Ngozi wiped the tears from her eyes and stared into her best friend's eyes. "...yes...?"
Akome propped herself up on the pillows. "...hafa my 30k...?"


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